RonChalant Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Having one of these feelings alone is bad enough, but all three at once is a disaster. Been with gf 4 years next month and I am just...BLAH about it. I love her to death, she's a good girlfriend in every way expect for some lack in some pretty significant areas. Sex has been an ongoing issue...its boring, I always have to initiate, is not very memorable 75% of the time, and she just is sooo conservative. On top of it all she is ALWAYS around. If I'm not at work or driving to/from work, she is right up under me. I enjoy it sometimes...but I don't get a chance to miss her so often I'm just like "GO AWAY" to myself. The times that I do go out with people which is rarely, she b*tches about it for at least an hour, then covers it with some lame BS reason like "you didn't let me know you were going out after work" or "I haven't spoken to you all day, you should step out and talk to me when your out" which is ridiculous, especially since I actually go out with other people without her MAYBE once every other month because I feel like I have to entertain her. So yeah, when I get free time I do go MIA for a little bit because I want to enjoy the freedom of her not being attached to my hip. The reason she is b*tching is because I'm out and she's just sitting in the house twiddling her thumbs Today, she wants to go do something, but it's Saturday and I just want to do my own thing, which I clues laying in bed until I feel like getting up on my own time so I tell her go do something on your own and her response is "and what am I going to do by myself"....I DON'T KNOW S*IT BUT JUST GO AWAY, JESUS! Back to the sex issue, I'm so tired of beating off because she just doesn't get what it is that I want. We've had the sex talk 4 times and each time she says she will do better, she does one great performance... Then it's back to the basics. If we aren't In the bed, at night, during a full moon with a 4 foot tide, it's just not going to happen. She has been pushing marriage on me heavily, but I duck and Dodge it because I really don't know if I could deal with that for the rest of my life...i feel trapped and we don't even have any real ties. I love her, want to make her happy, blase' blase'...but I feel like doing that is at the expense of my happiness. I'm just outright bored and have been for a long time, but know that I have a good woman so have just been trapped I this weird emotional ace for a while. I feel guilty for feeling the way that I do, but I have no real ME time. She sees it differently, apparently work is enough time for her not to be around me. She always says "go out with other people, iI want you too" but EVERYTIME I do I'm getting b*tched at or dealing with passive aggressive huffs and puffs. What do I do --- Folie de Noir
Httm Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 It is important for people to have their own lives, hobbies, and friends. She does not and that is not healthy, nor will it ever be. This is something you've known for years. Time to make a decision that you should've made within the first few months. 3
fitnessfan365 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I think the most common mistake people make in romance is thinking they can change someone if they stick around long enough. But people are who they are. I mean you've been with her for four years now. So you either like who she is, or you don't. According to you she's a clingy co-dependent that you hate having sex with. So why exactly did you stick around for four years when you should've broken up with her after 2-3 months? 3
ExpatInItaly Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Sit her down and explain in no uncertain terms that the relationship is not working and you are unhappy. If you are not interested in making it work, end it. You say she's a good woman. That's fine and dandy, but that doesn't mean she's a great partner for you. You're not her babysitter or entertainer. Does she not have any friends of her own? Any interests outside of the relationship? Her life sounds like it revolves around you which is a huge part of the problem. Has she always been this way? And sexual chemistry is a big component of a romantic partnership. It distinguishes friends from lovers. Right now, it sounds like you have an annoying roommate, not a girlfriend. Yes, this is going to upset her. But it can't go like this. Stop dodging the marriage question. Be honest and tell her you can't see marrying her when the relationship is already not working and you're not happy. I personally think it's time to just end it for good, OP. 5
thejabberwocky Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 This relationship sounds miserable! She is clearly very dependent and that is unlikely to change. If you are unhappy, end it. You're not going to talk her out of being who she is and it's likely to just get worse from here!
Mjm1014 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Okay maybe I can give you a few things to think about.. 1. To me it sounds like 90% of your post was directed at her being too dependent on you. No wonder you feel resentment and trapped. This leads into her being too "easy" and "annoying." Whether you realize it or not, this affects your sexual attraction to her also. So first, before you throw in the towel, give her an ultimatum. Tell her, "listen, I love you, but you have your life and I have mine. It's not healthy to be attached at the hip all the time, and it's not the type of relationship I envision myself being the rest of my life. I will help you come up with a hobby, or go out with your friends and I'll go out with mine, if you can't accept that...I'm done." You need to be firm about this. To be honest I've been in relationships like this, and this my friend isn't a good sign-she may change, but prob won't... 2. Hopefully if she becomes more independent it will help solve your sex issue. Have you thought about it, maybe she's bored because she sees you too much-basically no passion anymore because she doesn't get a chance to miss you...clearly that isn't your fault but I bet she's subconsciously bored herself. So, you need to solve part 1 first. If you do, the sex should take care of itself. Like I said, you're at the 4 year mark, she's pressuring marriage so it's time to step up to the plate and lay it all out to her in the most serious way possible regardless how tough it is. She doesn't like it, too bad. This is your life, you get to marry one person, and if you're struggling now, how will you feel in 5, 10, 15, or 50 years from now. Give her one month after you laid it out for her, if she doesn't change, you really need to let her go. Good luck man. 1
thecrucible Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 The cynic in me says 4 years is a long time to have been with someone and not thought about marrying them (unless you're very young). How old are you guys? I also think that if she has been like this for a while then she won't change overnight. I'm thinking back to the relationship I was in when I was 18, my first ever relationship in fact. I was so dependent on him that I didn't even realise it. I had my hobbies and friends so it wasn't ridiculous but I was restricting myself and I didn't have to be as attached to him as I had been. I didn't realise that my efforts were making the relationship worse rather than better. It's only after we broke-up and several years of relationship experience since then, that I learned that this isn't the way to act around a man in order to keep him. This change of mindset didn't fully occur for me until over 3 years later. I suppose she is acting this way with the best of intentions so she won't realise that you feel this way. If you do break-up with her, just don't say "You're a wonderful girl. It's not you, it's me. I'm sure you'll find the right guy for you" or something similar. That's got to be the most perplexing sentence to hear from someone breaking up with you, not to mention patronising. Looking back it would have been better to have heard something like "we're too different" or "we want different things". 1
sambolini Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 You are not obligated to provide this woman with happiness. Your happiness is paramount. If you are unhappy, then you are entitled to act on it; just be honorable when you do. Sit her down, tell her that you are unhappy and why, and be honest if you don't believe it'll get better. Under no circumstances are you to marry this woman. Trust me, you will regret it. I speak from experience.
Hopeful30 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 What you do is tell her exactly what you just told all of us. At least this way she will have the opportunity to work on the areas of the relationship you feel are lacking (if she agrees those areas need work). I never understood why people go everywhere but their partner when they have relationship issues. It's as simple as telling your partner how it is, and taking it from there. 1
still_an_Angel Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Its either you settle for a 'good' woman or let her go. She's obviously not a match for you but will be good for someone else. Be fair and let her find someone who will truly appreciate her. Let her go now because marrying her will not change who she is. 1
preraph Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Look, you're both perfectly fine people, but this isn't your life mate. I can't comment on your sexual issues, but I don't think they're the most important thing. But she is better suited for being a Siamese twin than the mate you need. She isn't independent enough. I wonder if she's ever lived by herself on her own and learned to cope. A person should be able to go to a movie or out to eat alone. And where are her friends? That's what friends are for. I hope you haven't objected to her going out with friends and failed to mention it. Anyway, bottom line, she's going to drive you crazy and it's not going to get better. There's no guarantee you'll find someone on the same page as you about sex and I'm not for pressing the issue, frankly. This generation of men watches too much porn and starts thinking a nice girl should act like a paid porn actress and service them like a prostitute. So that's all I can say about that. No woman wants to live that way. If they did, they'd become a paid prostitute! Regardless, your bigger issue is her being clingy. You've done the wrong thing lying and going MIA. When it reaches the point you have to lie and cause fights to catch a breath, it's time to leave. And remember if she decides to make you stay, she will get pregnant, with or without your approval. So you really ought to get out before she sees it coming.
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