pursuitofhappiness Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 (edited) Been with my girlfriend for a year and I really care about her. We always have a good time with each other. We have pretty much all the same interests. We are very respectful to each other (though she has a bad tone she got from her bad father that she shows every once in a while). But as one year came up, I got to thinking. Are we something that is worth both of our time? Is a permanent relationship possible or wise? Our differences may not shine through immediately, but we have some variant stances on big things. Growing up, our background was very very different. She has a bit of a past (drugs, alcohol, promiscuity) but I truly believe she has cleaned all that up for the most part. She still does drink while I don't (usually). I'm not necessarily against it, I just don't care for it. She, however, did have a major slip up while out of town where she went out and blacked out. She didn't even remember calling me to tell me she threw up about four times. She says nothing happened other than that, but that's all she can remember. So I still feel uneasy about that despite it being so long ago. Anyways, she has worked on and improved on her drinking but still likes to get drunk. She also still has light interest in getting high but doesn't. Our views on politics, finances, environment, parenting, etc. all largely differ. Politics- one of us is pretty liberal, the other one conservative Finances- different views on spending Environment- we actually agree for the most part, but she gets upset and defensive when we talk about it if I ever correct some statistic or fact (I'm a biologist) Parenting- ooooweeee She was raised in an extremely dysfunctional family and has an odd mix of views here. She says she wants to let her future kids throw parties at the house with alcohol and all when they're in high school but. Then she also says she wants to be real strict with them and make them do a bunch of house work. Then she says she wouldn't quit her job or take an hour cut to be with her kids even when they're newborns. (If that were the situation in my future, I would prefer to compromise, though she wouldn't, so I would probably quit work. Those first 5 years are hugely important) And just a plymouth of other core values that we really clash on. But anyways (again) theres my situation. What do you guys think? The passion is burning hot and we always have a great time with each other, but the core values that haven't quite had enough time to work their way into our relationship are very different. Edited January 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 She still does drink while I don't (usually). I'm not necessarily against it, I just don't care for it. She, however, did have a major slip up while out of town where she went out and blacked out. She didn't even remember calling me to tell me she threw up about four times. She also still has light interest in getting high but doesn't. Our views on politics, finances, environment, parenting, etc. all largely differ. Parenting- ooooweeee She was raised in an extremely dysfunctional family and has an odd mix of views here. She says she wants to let her future kids throw parties at the house with alcohol and all when they're in high school but. Then she also says she wants to be real strict with them and make them do a bunch of house work. Then she says she wouldn't quit her job or take an hour cut to be with her kids even when they're newborns. (If that were the situation in my future, I would prefer to compromise, though she wouldn't, so I would probably quit work. Those first 5 years are hugely important). Your title kind of threw me off. Are you really compatible? You are not compatible at all. What is the goal in dating here? Are you looking for a long term partner with whom you'll buy assets and raise children? If yes then no it's not going to carry you long term. For a long term relationship to work you need more than love and common interests. You need a common goal and common values. May I ask how old are you both? Let talk about her drinking now. Someone that drinks to the point of blanking out is not someone responsible enough to engage in a long term relationship. Unless your idea of fun is to call your neighbor to watch over your babies cause she is completely wasted and you need to go get her. Your girlfriend admits she is still fighting the desire to use drugs (pot I think). That's not gonna last. She basically stopped using to please you. That never works long term. As for the rest, if you are completely on opposite ends in terms of politics, finances, environment, parenting, it will have your marriage turn into a living nightmare within the first year. I assure you. At that point having common interest will be of no help. So in my views, you and your girlfriend have nothing of what it takes to make it long term. All you have is common interest and that will not carry you far. 1
Toodaloo Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 If your core beliefs and values differ so greatly you will not work. Sorry OP but I think you need to cut the cord. 1
smackie9 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 It's the drinking issues and her past is worrisome. Her past is very much present. She may keep it under wraps when she is around you but the kicker is when she is not she falls off the wagon pretty hard. I agree that her dysfunctional up bringing, (which is truly sad and unfortunate), never gave her the opportunity to learn how to be responsible or a good parent. You have every right to be concerned because you are about to invest your life with this person....I don't think this is the one.
Author pursuitofhappiness Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 @Gaeta I'm 22 she's 23 Deep down there's been a nagging feeling that we aren't meant to be long term, but I have the tendency to really doubt myself. But even my friends say she's more of a "for the now" girl.
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 You really need to put any notion of a 'long-term, permanent' relationship completely out of your mind until you hit maybe 25 or 26. Until then, you're not in a fit state of mind to be able to knuckle down rationally with any logical sense of direction. And that's not insulting you. That's Biology. Your neurons aren't properly connected. There's still a fair bit of misfiring going on. As the notorious Judge Judy often states "You're not 'fully-cooked' yet." GIve yourself the time to meet more people, spread your wings, live a little and enjoy the diversity of life. If all goes to plan, you have about another 4-score years left in which to settle down and do the conventional stuff. Right now, it's time to let your hair down.
Maggie4 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Can you list some examples of the "same interests"? If these are like, " we both like this song", it's not significant compared to the stuff you listed under your differences.
mortensorchid Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 You might as well ask what the meaning of life is as long as you're at it, because there is no one answer to this question. You automatically know if someone is not the one for you, but you also know if the person is the one for you. As for all the ones in between who ultimately are not or you don't know at first. You're just bouncing around between pinball bumpers.
Author pursuitofhappiness Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 @Taramaiden2 I wasn't even thinking about that. That is a valid point. @Maggie4 Well, you got that one right. That's the first thing I noticed between us. We both have a real similar taste in music that a lot of people may not have. But that aside, we both like doing the same things for fun. For example, we're both adventurous and aren't much into the club scene. But actually, now that I'm thinking about it, she seems more interested in that than she used to be and the difference in drinking interests are pretty big. She often likes to go to a bar or something while I prefer sober social scenes. I'm even fine being at bars and what all, but I won't drink. She does seem bothered when I don't and always thinks I'm judging her for drinking (Though I'm not. It's not a matter of principle for me, I just don't care for it.) Thanks for asking that. It got me thinking some more.
safir Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I think in the long run your core values can become strong disagreements. It all depends on goal of dating really. Unfortunately loving someone doesn't always mean that two people are compatible. However the other end to this is, is there a such thing being a perfect match? I'm not quite sure. When I first started dating, I had a very strict checklist (not about money etc but mostly about character) and I was extremely picky. However now, I'm not as picky I don't pay attention to every little detail as much as I used to and I am still in a happy relationship which I find emotinally satisfying. It all depends on how you look at this issue, of course her drinking and drug issues do raise a red flag in the long run if you're looking someone to have a family with.
thecrucible Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 If you're having trouble trying to determine how much of a deal breaker your preferences are, just set up a thought experiment. Imagine how these differences will play out practically living together and if in the future you have children for instance. The big thing for me would be the view on finances as I reckon a great deal of arguments surround money and if you disagree on how to bring up children then that's not a recipe for long-term success.
Author pursuitofhappiness Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 Soo, oddly enough, in the midst of my doubts I heard this piece of information about an hour ago. About a year before we met, she got involved with a guy who was in a relationship and was the cause of their breakup (he left his gf for her). She doesn't have a past with cheating, but that happened.
Author pursuitofhappiness Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 I really like her and have never felt this kind of passion before, but my mind is on board with you guys. How should I handle it? If I break up with her, I don't want to hurt her, and I know I'll be hurting afterwards. I'm just really bad with things like this.
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 OK, let me, as an old woman, give you some hard-earned and well-lived advice: Always be honest, always be gentle always be unambiguous. If you are to develop as a man of integrity and honesty, with the dignity you should cultivate, tell her soon, tell he plainly, and tell her kindly. You have a right to your life, and the only apology you should make is if your parting hurts her. You don't want to hurt her, but you feel it's for the best in the long run.
Author pursuitofhappiness Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 @TaraMaiden2 I'm a really doubtful guy at times. How can I keep myself from doubting my decision so I can actually do what's right?
Gaeta Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 You're 22 yo, give yourself a break. You are not at the point of choosing a wife. Enjoy life and just live what you're suppose to live at 22. You can start thinking marriage and babies at 28. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 I suggest you suggest a break. BUT (and here's the clincher) A break is only a break when: 1: You BOTH agree a definite, fixed date, time and location to meet up again; 2: You BOTH agree that during this time you will not date, speak, link up or meet anyone else of the opposite sex, but you will remain exclusive to each other; and 3: you remain in total No Contact during this time, and both dedicate yourselves to thinking about the relationship, what you want out of it, what you intend to put into it, and what you feel you'd like your partner to contribute. I would suggest three weeks, at the outside, one month. But emphasisie that you're the one suffering confusion, that you are the one who needs the break, but it's important to you that she knows you love her and consider her very special. Otherwise, it's not a 'break'. It's a break UP. And it's of paramount importance thst if either of you feel that the relationship is not one you can comfortably go back to - you meet up ahead of schedule, be completely honest about it, and break up. And cheating is completely out of the question. It's so far off the charts, even thinking about it is a deal-breaker.
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 You're 22 yo, give yourself a break. You are not at the point of choosing a wife. Enjoy life and just live what you're suppose to live at 22. You can start thinking marriage and babies at 28. That's exactly what I told him previously... But it seems he's uber-anxious about this...... 1
VeveCakes Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 There is no way at 22 you can know your parenting style unless you are already a parent. Slow the train.
contel3 Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 This is the third post about her already. The pot issue obviously bothers you. You seem to have a habbit of picking girls you know won't work out and you're not really crazy about - and then dump them. Why not stay single for a while? Unless you're looking for temporary companionship and fun you're wasting your time with those girls. There's nothing wrong with wanting nothing serious (especially being so young), but then you have to be honest about it to yourself.
Author pursuitofhappiness Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 @TaraMaiden4 She wouldn't be down for a break. And yeah, that's the exact issue. I get very anxious and start doubting things like this because they are so final. I'm very afraid of regret. I know if I am with her leaving is always an option. But if we break up, I may not be able to get back with her. Buuut, if I stay with her, I worry that one day it won't work out and I will regret not leaving her when I had these feelings. And that's the circle that keeps me where I'm at. @VeveCakes I agree, but I don't want to be investing a ton of time into someone that I might regret doing down the line, so the best I can do right now is just try to estimate how things could be. But prenting isn't the only core difference.
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 @TaraMaiden4 She wouldn't be down for a break. And yeah, that's the exact issue. I get very anxious and start doubting things like this because they are so final. I'm very afraid of regret. I know if I am with her leaving is always an option. But if we break up, I may not be able to get back with her. Buuut, if I stay with her, I worry that one day it won't work out and I will regret not leaving her when I had these feelings. And that's the circle that keeps me where I'm at. You're way, way over-thinking this. Let me ask you a couple of questions: If you knew a child your partner was carrying, had a handicap or malformation that would severely affect their quality of life, and yours, would you considr aborting it? If the company you work with, had to re-locate 250 miles away, and asked you to go along, with the promise of a promotion, but your spouse just got a top job in management where you were, would you move - or stay? If your father was dying of a terrible, debilitating illness, and he begged you to end his life, because he couldn't stand the pain, but doctors told you there was a possible treatment that would help his recovery, but it was expensive, which would you choose to do? THOSE - are the important issues. THis? This is just a brain-teaser. Don't sweat it. Break up. FInd your way in life and take a leap of faith. Your lifetime happiness sincerely does NOT hinge on this, and compared to other situations, this is a no-brainer... For goodness' sake, let your hair down, live a little and scatter caution to the wind. Regret is too big a word. you're taking this whole thing far too seriously. And let me tell you - being so young, this relationship does not have 'permanence' written all over it anyway.... Why not suspend it while you're both "in a good place" rather than wait for the heartbreak of a more serious reason...?
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