Superman2024 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I've been experimenting with another way to meet and connect with women other than OLD since that's been frustrating lately (lots of responses but only one date in the last month) and wanted to get some input on it. I have 3 female cousins in their early-mid 20's and some other female friends who I think can be helpful for me (I've figured out guys are terrible at match making lol). The first thing I do is ask if they know of anyone who's single. I've had a few suggestions so far but none have been very attractive to me or a good match. If they can't think of anyone else, I'll browse through their Facebook friends looking for an attractive, single, decent match for me. I'll then ask my friend or relative about this person and if they know them and have good things to say, the next step is to have them send an introduction message for me. I figured this would be better than me randomly messaging a woman I'm not connected with on FB, especially since it wouldn't likely reach their inbox. So far I've only tried this a couple of times and it didn't go very far, but I'm thinking I might have better odds than with OLD since there's a family/friend connection. Any thoughts on this? For the women on here, how would you react if a FB friend of yours tried to introduce you to one of her relatives?
CC12 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 For the women on here, how would you react if a FB friend of yours tried to introduce you to one of her relatives? If a friend sent me an "introduction message" from someone I'd never met, I would think it's strange. I mean, what am I meant to do with that? I'm supposed to write to them and introduce myself? Eh. It would be awkward. I think it's okay to ask friends/family if they know any single women, but if they don't, I don't think it's cool to browse their facebook friends as if you're online shopping for a new pair of shoes or whatever. Also I feel like if you're asking these favors from your friends, you should do your best not to reject (lack of a better word) their suggestions. What would be the harm in grabbing coffee with a new person? By being picky, you're sort of guaranteeing they won't try to hook you up again in the future.
CalvinJ23 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 If a friend sent me an "introduction message" from someone I'd never met, I would think it's strange. I mean, what am I meant to do with that? I'm supposed to write to them and introduce myself? Eh. It would be awkward. I think it's okay to ask friends/family if they know any single women, but if they don't, I don't think it's cool to browse their facebook friends as if you're online shopping for a new pair of shoes or whatever. Also I feel like if you're asking these favors from your friends, you should do your best not to reject (lack of a better word) their suggestions. What would be the harm in grabbing coffee with a new person? By being picky, you're sort of guaranteeing they won't try to hook you up again in the future. I agree wholeheartedly with everything said here. but also you could just talk to random women around you. there are women all around you.. many of them single. they won't all entertain a conversation but i promise if you start a random convo with 10 women, at least 2 or 3 will give a pleasant response. you're afraid of failure and as soon as you realize that's a part of the game you'll be in a much better place. 1
Author Superman2024 Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 If a friend sent me an "introduction message" from someone I'd never met, I would think it's strange. I mean, what am I meant to do with that? I'm supposed to write to them and introduce myself? Eh. It would be awkward. I think it's okay to ask friends/family if they know any single women, but if they don't, I don't think it's cool to browse their facebook friends as if you're online shopping for a new pair of shoes or whatever. Also I feel like if you're asking these favors from your friends, you should do your best not to reject (lack of a better word) their suggestions. What would be the harm in grabbing coffee with a new person? By being picky, you're sort of guaranteeing they won't try to hook you up again in the future. I appreciate the points you're making. By introduction I mean they would say something like "Hey, my friend/cousin saw you were friends with me on here and would like to know more about you". From that point I'd expect her to say I'm not interested or tell me more about him. I'm not sure why that would be awkward as I've had this happen to me before and I really appreciated it. Two of my cousins who I've talked with about this have no problem with me looking at their friends list. It actually helps since they don't know exactly the type I'm attracted to. All the suggestions I've had, with the exception of one who ended up moving far away, have been quite unattractive and I knew immediately it wouldn't work. It would be pointless to go out with someone I know I'm not remotely attracted to. My last GF and the girls I get responses from on OLD have all been more attractive, but of course lately they've been flaky as a pastry lol. I agree wholeheartedly with everything said here. but also you could just talk to random women around you. there are women all around you.. many of them single. they won't all entertain a conversation but i promise if you start a random convo with 10 women, at least 2 or 3 will give a pleasant response. you're afraid of failure and as soon as you realize that's a part of the game you'll be in a much better place. As bad as OLD is, I think I'd have an even lower chance of finding a good match talking to random women in public. I've approached a couple of women at my church before but it's never worked out and there are hardly any young adults going to church anymore. I even cold approached a girl at Home Depot once and have been doing OLD for a while, so I wouldn't say I'm afraid of failure! Approaching women like that has always been difficult for me though and for some reason I get social anxiety from being in small group settings where I'm forced to participate, so those are two weaknesses of mine. That's why I've gravitated towards OLD and trying to meet someone through a friend or family member. I have no problem holding a phone conversation with a new prospect or meeting someone one-on-one.
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Forget about FB. Tell everyone you know, family, friends, colleagues, that you are looking and if they know someone you're open to a blind date. Also, bend your personal rule a little on 'she is not that attractive to me'. Unless she is completely repulsive to you then ok, but other than that get on a date with the girl. 1
Maggie4 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 What you described is the old fashioned way of dating, has been going on for centuries (minus the facebook). One advantage of meeting someone through friends and family is that because of the social connection, people behave better, and they don't get weird or disappear on you. 1
HereNorThere Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I don't think using match makers is a good strategy. The reason is that when you introduce a 3rd party, your potential date could feel obligated to go out with you simply because they don't want to offend the person doing the match making. Add that in with the fact that they'll figure out you Facebook stalked and it's recipe for disaster. Plus women dig guys who have the balls to ask them out. Using someone else to do your dirty work comes off as cowardly and insecure. Surely you can see how a large percentage of women would find this creeptastic. If you want girls, you have to go out there and get them. There is no magical way to make them just appear in your life. 2
SoleMate Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I understand there may not be many women in your target age range at church. However, their moms, dads, aunts, uncle, neighbors, and friends are there. Make friends with all ages at church and let them all know you're looking for that special someone. (This assumes your intentions are more or less honorable of course - won't work for kinky hookups, threesomes, sleazy casual etc.) Good luck! 1
Author Superman2024 Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 What you described is the old fashioned way of dating, has been going on for centuries (minus the facebook). One advantage of meeting someone through friends and family is that because of the social connection, people behave better, and they don't get weird or disappear on you. That's exactly why I'm thinking this could work better than OLD because of the social connection. Most of these prospects have at least 3 mutual friends with me. I don't think using match makers is a good strategy. The reason is that when you introduce a 3rd party, your potential date could feel obligated to go out with you simply because they don't want to offend the person doing the match making. Add that in with the fact that they'll figure out you Facebook stalked and it's recipe for disaster. Plus women dig guys who have the balls to ask them out. Using someone else to do your dirty work comes off as cowardly and insecure. Surely you can see how a large percentage of women would find this creeptastic. If you want girls, you have to go out there and get them. There is no magical way to make them just appear in your life. I doubt they'd be all that pressured to go out with me. I see it as just an ice breaker and it goes where it may. Good grief, this creepy stalker talk on here is pretty ridiculous and is getting old. I've not gotten any kind of feedback from my friends, cousins, or the ones I've contacted that they felt uncomfortable with it. Mostly it's been a normal or positive response but it ultimately didn't lead to a date. How can it not be better for a mutual friend to make first contact? They don't know me and my message would go to a "filtered" folder anyway. It has nothing to do with not have the "balls" as you put it to ask them out. It's a matter of the best strategy to use. I ask women out all the time. Creeptastic, dirty work, cowardly, insecure...seriously? Maybe you should think about the words you use before you post so you don't come across so offensive and foolish. As I said before, I ask my friend/family about a person first. If she knows them from real life and has good things to say then we can move forward. I just don't see anything wrong with that and there's nothing to lose by trying. I think these prospects will be less flaky than people from OLD. On another note, I just got back from attending a new church 3x bigger than mine. If I get plugged in there I'm bound to meet someone but again I saw very few young adults there.
CC12 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 It would be pointless to go out with someone I know I'm not remotely attracted to. Look, if a friend/family member of mine were pestering me to set them up, and I offered to introduce them to a single friend, I'd be annoyed if they then told me, "Nah, she's not attractive enough. Keep trying." Hopefully you were much more tactful in the way you rejected their friends. But I would be done trying to set you up. There's no harm in getting coffee with a girl you find unattractive. Maybe you'll actually like her as a person and make a new friend. Maybe you should think about the words you use before you post so you don't come across so offensive and foolish. Don't forget that you asked for the opinions of others. I'm not sure what the point of this thread is if you're just going to get offended and try to explain to everyone why their opinions are wrong. 3
mrs rubble Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I've got a (male) friend who's currently single and has been asking all his friend's (me included) if we know of any women for him, and he's actually had 2 introductions from my partner (his single female friends), in the beginning I was considering who I could introduce him to, but now he's been through 2 of my partners friends as well as a long list of OLD prospects. I'm very very reluctant to. He just seems too desperate and needy. I just wish he'd give up looking so hard!! I'm sure if he relaxed and enjoyed life without the constant need to find a soulmate, I'm sure he'd attract one. 1
Author Superman2024 Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 Using someone else to do your dirty work comes off as cowardly and insecure. Look, if a friend/family member of mine were pestering me to set them up, and I offered to introduce them to a single friend, I'd be annoyed if they then told me, "Nah, she's not attractive enough. Keep trying." Hopefully you were much more tactful in the way you rejected their friends. But I would be done trying to set you up. There's no harm in getting coffee with a girl you find unattractive. Maybe you'll actually like her as a person and make a new friend. Don't forget that you asked for the opinions of others. I'm not sure what the point of this thread is if you're just going to get offended and try to explain to everyone why their opinions are wrong. I appreciate the opinions of others here but when I see a jerk comment like the one at the top I'm going to call it out. I'm not pestering or annoying anyone and my friends/family are more than glad to continue making suggestions. Of course I don't reject their friends like that. Basically I'll say I appreciate the suggestion and let me know if you think of anyone else too. I just don't think it's productive to go out with someone I have zero attraction to. I'd just be leading them on which I don't want to do. There's absolutely nothing creepy about me and I'm not being ungrateful to anyone, though some on here like to make negative assumptions and be overly critical for no reason. I've got a (male) friend who's currently single and has been asking all his friend's (me included) if we know of any women for him, and he's actually had 2 introductions from my partner (his single female friends), in the beginning I was considering who I could introduce him to, but now he's been through 2 of my partners friends as well as a long list of OLD prospects. I'm very very reluctant to. He just seems too desperate and needy. I just wish he'd give up looking so hard!! I'm sure if he relaxed and enjoyed life without the constant need to find a soulmate, I'm sure he'd attract one. It's nice that your friend has given him 2 introductions, so hopefully he's grateful for that. Unfortunately with OLD no one sticks around to give things a chance so it's easy to go through a bunch of prospects. Generally guys can't just sit back and let someone come to them since they are the pursuers. I wish it worked like that but I'd never get anywhere waiting on someone to come to me.
MidwestUSA Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I noticed a guy on Facebook with whom I shared a lot of mutual friends. I simply friend requested him. We're going on three years married. I'm a creep. And a cradle robber. My bad. 1
TheArtist Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 My last two relationships actually started on Facebook. Common interests and ideas start to show on pages where you see them often, and from that you send each other a message about the topic that you couldn't post on the page. Then you gradually stop posting on the page so often and talk more in private. It's a natural progression and nothing is forced. It just happens. Another thing you might like to try is a dating app called Happn. I think it's based on friends of friends on Facebook, but this way you know which are single because they're on the app. I've never tried it myself though so I could be wrong. Let us know if you try it though! 2
mrs rubble Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I appreciate the opinions of others here but when I see a jerk comment like the one at the top I'm going to call it out. I'm not pestering or annoying anyone and my friends/family are more than glad to continue making suggestions. Of course I don't reject their friends like that. Basically I'll say I appreciate the suggestion and let me know if you think of anyone else too. I just don't think it's productive to go out with someone I have zero attraction to. I'd just be leading them on which I don't want to do. There's absolutely nothing creepy about me and I'm not being ungrateful to anyone, though some on here like to make negative assumptions and be overly critical for no reason. It's nice that your friend has given him 2 introductions, so hopefully he's grateful for that. Unfortunately with OLD no one sticks around to give things a chance so it's easy to go through a bunch of prospects. Generally guys can't just sit back and let someone come to them since they are the pursuers. I wish it worked like that but I'd never get anywhere waiting on someone to come to me. I didn't say sit back and wait for someone to come to you (or my friend) I said "relax and enjoy life" don't carry the desperate needy vibe. Concentrate on the things you are good at and enjoy doing, when we are happy with ourselves we are the most attractive to others. 1
MidwestUSA Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 My last two relationships actually started on Facebook. Common interests and ideas start to show on pages where you see them often, and from that you send each other a message about the topic that you couldn't post on the page. Then you gradually stop posting on the page so often and talk more in private. It's a natural progression and nothing is forced. It just happens! Bingo! In my case, we were commenting on the same posts a lot, often music related. We found we had the same opinion on a lot of things. Then one day, I posted that I had two tickets to Rascal Flatts, if anyone was interested. He replied. I asked if he wanted to buy them, or go with me (kinda jokingly). I prefaced the latter with 'I don't know if you're married or not, or whatever'. He was living with me before the concert date, LOL! 2
No_Go Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 (edited) Bluestealth, what are your criteria? Do you set the bar very high? I'm asking because it is just strange you didn't like all but one of the suggestions of your friends / family. As a woman, I've never responded to cold approach / FB messages. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Many female friends share the same. It may work with very extroverted women, just forget about the rest. Just go to something that interests you (meetup group, dancing lessons, language class.... Whatever). There you'll see the same women repetitively and can safely ask them out after you've established minimal connection. Plus you have an icebreaker topic, so it will be easier. Edited January 17, 2016 by No_Go 1
Author Superman2024 Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 Bluestealth, what are your criteria? Do you set the bar very high? I'm asking because it is just strange you didn't like all but one of the suggestions of your friends / family. As a woman, I've never responded to cold approach / FB messages. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Many female friends share the same. It may work with very extroverted women, just forget about the rest. Just go to something that interests you (meetup group, dancing lessons, language class.... Whatever). There you'll see the same women repetitively and can safely ask them out after you've established minimal connection. Plus you have an icebreaker topic, so it will be easier. Being that I'm a conservative Christian, that limits my prospects dramatically and makes dating much more complicated. I search for prospects in the 20-30 age range but mostly I've communicated with and dated 23-28 year olds. Of course I'm looking for someone who's pretty/cute, in decent shape, and looking to settle down. I'm athletic and want someone who's at least somewhat active. Being even a little overweight is a major turn off to me and unfortunately it's kind of an epidemic these days. I'm very well off financially but really don't care what my partner's financial status or career is since I'd highly prefer her to be a stay at home mom when the time comes. I don't think I'm being too picky but the importance I place on being Christian certainly narrows my prospect list. There are very few young adults going to church anymore and it seems they are matching up in more secular places. Even the large church I went to last night only has 6 young adults (28-35) in their singles group and half of them are guys! Do you know what it is about the FB messages that makes you uncomfortable? I could definitely see an inappropriate or sexual one being an issue, but what if you get a nice, respectful message from a guy you have several mutual friends with or a suggestion from one of your friends? I agree that going to something like a church group would be one of the best ways to meet someone. The challenge is finding the right group but I'll keep my eyes open. Luckily one of my friends gave me a great prospect last night so I'll be contacting her today!
No_Go Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 ok, so you look for a woman who is - practicing Christian - slim/fit - cute - active - not a career woman type - under 30 - looking for marriage/kids (if that's what settling refers to) Being cute/pretty is subjective (assuming slightly overweight is BMI 25, not 20), but the rest is well defined and achievable Look at: - churches as you say (where are you located? My BF is Christian and I go with him to a nondenominational church that has a few branches, literally the oldest person is he (38), the rest are 23-33) - if you're not saying 100% no to OLD - Christian mingle (my friend, Catholic, met her fiancée there), eHarmony (I met my BF there, I think 90% of the people are looking for LTR/marriage) - volunteering events (many young people, many associated with churches) I'm against FB because I use it as a safe heaven to message established friends and I'm not happy strangers to look at my data (exchanging messages makes some information visible). Maybe more extroverted people will look at it differently.. Good luck with the new prospect Being that I'm a conservative Christian, that limits my prospects dramatically and makes dating much more complicated. I search for prospects in the 20-30 age range but mostly I've communicated with and dated 23-28 year olds. Of course I'm looking for someone who's pretty/cute, in decent shape, and looking to settle down. I'm athletic and want someone who's at least somewhat active. Being even a little overweight is a major turn off to me and unfortunately it's kind of an epidemic these days. I'm very well off financially but really don't care what my partner's financial status or career is since I'd highly prefer her to be a stay at home mom when the time comes. I don't think I'm being too picky but the importance I place on being Christian certainly narrows my prospect list. There are very few young adults going to church anymore and it seems they are matching up in more secular places. Even the large church I went to last night only has 6 young adults (28-35) in their singles group and half of them are guys! Do you know what it is about the FB messages that makes you uncomfortable? I could definitely see an inappropriate or sexual one being an issue, but what if you get a nice, respectful message from a guy you have several mutual friends with or a suggestion from one of your friends? I agree that going to something like a church group would be one of the best ways to meet someone. The challenge is finding the right group but I'll keep my eyes open. Luckily one of my friends gave me a great prospect last night so I'll be contacting her today!
HillValley Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 Yeah, I feel like being a Christian should make it a bit easier. Try visiting a different church in your area a couple times a month. Volunteer through events at those churches if you enjoy the congregation. You still will hopefully get a good sermon at least but you'll also make yourself known/seen to a larger number of women.
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