jumpman23 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Is this a requirement, my past is extremely limited. Is is important when dating someone to find a little about their past relationships? Also, besides asking about their past relationships what would be other requests to develop emotional intimacy?
mrldii Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 It's important to me...especially the "whys" and "hows" of it being a past relationship. There's a BIG difference between "I've been in 3 relationships. Each of them ended when the person said I was suffocating them because I'd show up at their work during breaks, crawl through their window and into their bed on nights we weren't together, and rented the apartment across the street, so I could keep an eye on them with my binoculars" and "They ended, because we grew in different directions and ended up wanting different things." Likewise, there's a world of difference between "I haven't really met too many people because I've been focusing on my studies" and "I haven't met too many people because I don't like to take my anti-psychotics and - per court order - I'm not allowed out of the house if I'm not on 'em" yanno? Sometimes, it's not the answer that is wrong...it's the reasoning behind the answer that makes it all-sorts-of-ohhhh-so-wrong. So, yeah...these types of questions are important, when getting to know someone. Best of luck to you, OP... 2
HereNorThere Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Oh hell no. It looks like you're going to get different responses on this, but I don't discuss past relationships AT ALL. I would never tell a girl my "number" (i.e. the number of people I've slept with) or number of girlfriends I've had or anything like that. In fact, I would be super pissed if a girl I dated told me hers. So far it hasn't really ever come up, but if it did I wouldn't budge on my position. There a ton of posters here who've screwed up relationships by discussing the past. If you have something you need to disclose (like an STI/STD) that's one thing, but the rest is no one else's business. A lot of men make the mistake of discussing this with women and then freak out when they discover she has more experience. SURPRISE, people have been hitting in her since she was 13, what did you expect? Most men would have higher numbers if they could. If it comes up, pull the trauma card. - "If there's something you feel you need to know for your own peace of mind I will answer your question the best I can, but talking about my past relationships just brings up negative feelings. I would rather us talk about more positive things and build our relationship." Aaaaaaand pivot... The truth is that most people don't want to talk about their past either, so you're probably good. And for god sakes, don't ever ask someone about their past unless you are absolutely prepared to hear it. Trust me, you don't wanna know! 1
mrldii Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Did I misunderstand the topic? Is this a "What's your number?" thread? No. I do NOT tell someone I'm dating/relating with *my number*. Experience proves there is no such thing as a *correct* answer to that question; it's not intended to be a 'get-to-know-you' question; it's a 'let-me-gather-as-much-info-that-I-can-throw-back-in-your-face-when/if-it-pleases-me' question.
Woggle Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 All I care about is if she cheated or used a guy for money or in general mistreated him. Anything else is her business.
HereNorThere Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Did I misunderstand the topic? Is this a "What's your number?" thread? No. I do NOT tell someone I'm dating/relating with *my number*. Experience proves there is no such thing as a *correct* answer to that question; it's not intended to be a 'get-to-know-you' question; it's a 'let-me-gather-as-much-info-that-I-can-throw-back-in-your-face-when/if-it-pleases-me' question. I may have jumped to conclusions, but he's a 30 year old guy worried that he's going to be asked about his limited dating experience. I guess I naturally assumed that would be one of the relationship questions he was referring to. I didn't mean to imply that was the only past relationship question he was wondering if he'd be asked about.
brothers343 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 How does that saying go..the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If she tells me she's had 24 boyfriends in a year that wouldn't work out. If she tells me she's had multiple affairs. That wouldn't cut it. And if she tells me that she will kill for love...well that would be my (Q) to dissappear to a very far away place. 1
testmeasure Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 The older you get, the more baggage people have. You're going to find out about the baggage sooner or later, one way or another. Someone's relationship history is an important part of that. It gets more important the older you are. Eventually you're dealing with people who have been available or dating or in relationships for 10 or 15 years. If you are going to try to form long-term a relationship with someone who has been dating for 15 years but has never had anything that lasted longer than a few months, that kind of tells you what to expect. If they did have longer relationships, the explanation of how and why they ended can be of importance. If someone is honest about who they are and what they are looking for, their past history should support that and where it deviates there will be good explanations. I've always talked about it without being asked because it showed who I am and what I'm looking for. In response they always talked about theirs. Or maybe they went first, it didn't matter, it was an open topic. It's a topic that's important at the point where you are deciding to form an ongoing relationship with commitment. It's not a first date topic. It's probably an anti-topic for someone who is casually "dating" multiple people. But if you're forming a long-term relationship it's an important topic, and it will come up sooner or later because whatever baggage they have will show itself one way or another.
mortensorchid Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 It is and it isn't. For example, if I were to find out that a person had been married before they met me, that is of note. I am in my forties now, and I think it would be a little nieve if you didn't assume that others have not been married at least once or if the person has had at least one or two serious gfs in the past. As to how and why thing didn't work with those others before? Well, you have to go in thinking that this could be a good thing and maybe now you and this person will be a good match. I also think that people, contrary to popular belief, are encouraged to be intolerant rather than tolerant. There is this thinking that I come first and not others, if it's not perfect, change it. LTRs are, as far as I am concerned, based on tolerance because there are a lot of little things about a person that can bother you rather than major things. Once you have that figured out, you have it. I for one don't share much about my past relationships when I meet a person at first. Down the road, I may tell a story or two about them as it relates, but otherwise I don't tell that much about myself. I've been hurt a lot by people who are so called "friends", and I have learned to keep a certain distance with others in general. Does it make me mysterious? Yes, but it keeps people guessing and that's how you create hype about yourself at the same time. So it works in your benefit as well. Just an observation.
Timshel Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Hesitation to discuss is lost on me...it has never caused any problems for me or my SO's and has occurred very naturally. I wouldn't say it's a 'requirement' to reveal details of past relationships, it's more like if it comes up or a question is asked, I've never felt any hesitation or fear of discussing anything relevant to the conversation. My current bf and my past (2 husbands and 2 bf's / 5 in total) knew what ever they wanted to know. All of them have met at least one of each other, lol. Maybe the key is that they were all long term/committed relationships and for me...being so includes complete transparency. If I had/had any casual, short gigs, my opinion may be different. Likewise my bf has openly discussed his past with me and it doesn't bother me a bit. In fact, I feel closer to him because I have a more complete picture of the whole person.....how his relationships and sexual experiences have shaped his perceptions of intimacy. It's all good. In my experience OP, openness about your past occurs when you have established trust, of course you wouldn't elaborate with someone who you've only recently met and not all at once. For me it is something that unfolds organically over time with increased levels of trust and intimacy. 1
Author jumpman23 Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 These are all helpful responses. I will bring it up when the time I feel is right. Just to learn the past and how it may affect the future. But I went on a date last night with the girl she is totally in me but I received mixed signals including arms crossed at times during conversation, appears to be standoffish to me. By nature I am reserved as well, so I can relate to a closed bodily language. She stated she would like to continue to see me again, but each date her natural tendencies is to cross her arms and sometimes not look me in the eye. These are symptons ive typically suffered as someone reserved and shy. Do I discuss or confront these issues to her? Let it go? Move On?
testmeasure Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 (edited) These are all helpful responses. I will bring it up when the time I feel is right. Just to learn the past and how it may affect the future. But I went on a date last night with the girl she is totally in me but I received mixed signals including arms crossed at times during conversation, appears to be standoffish to me. By nature I am reserved as well, so I can relate to a closed bodily language. She stated she would like to continue to see me again, but each date her natural tendencies is to cross her arms and sometimes not look me in the eye. These are symptons ive typically suffered as someone reserved and shy. Do I discuss or confront these issues to her? Let it go? Move On? I would ignore it completely. She may just be comfortable crossing her arms. I found it very relaxing to cross my arms and had to learn not to do it. Lack of eye contact could just mean she's an introvert. She could also just be nervous, which could also be for any number of reasons. I think I probably still look away from people while I'm talking to them too much, probably particularly women. In my case, for some reason I get the feeling I'm staring at them and it worries me that I'm being impolite, so I look around and just keep talking. I probably get the feeling that I'm staring at them because I'm also fairly intense when I talk about things that are important to me. So if I'm talking very intensely and staring intensely at them I kind of get the sense that it's too much. In order to stay passionate and intense about what I'm saying, I look away or around. Or of something makes a noise, I look at it. If she's going to non verbal signals like that when she's still interested, pay closer attention to what she says. And, don't worry if she's looking you in the eye. The more intensely interested she is, the harder it could be for her to look you in the eye when she is expressing that interest by agreeing to go out again. Edited January 17, 2016 by testmeasure
carhill Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Is this a requirement, my past is extremely limited. That's OK. It's your life experience and is just as valid and valuable as anyones. Is is important when dating someone to find a little about their past relationships? Depends on the person. Some like a complete history. Some don't care. Some in between. IME, such matters tended to evolve organically as we got to know each other, in person. Also, besides asking about their past relationships what would be other requests to develop emotional intimacy? It's not a formula, rather happens through shared experience and emotions of attraction and desire. 2 + 2 = 4 doesn't apply here. Think more like fluid flowing. It's unpredictable, even if you think it's flowing a certain way. Think less, feel more. Back when I was dating while a virgin, which was quite a few years actually, I was, the few times I was asked, honest that I had dated and had a few girlfriends (or so I viewed them at the time) but hadn't found the right person for a life partner. I don't recall that being poorly received. Things moved on. 1
kendahke Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 OP-- How do you think your lack of dating experience has impacted you getting a new relationship up and running?
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