meanthingsisaid Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 When you are with someone do you completely delete or just deactivate your online dating profile? Story -- We met online. She had trust issues of me being there or the possibility of me going back there (apparently she caught her previous bf there while they were dating) so I completely deleted my then-deactivated profile upon learning that information. We are now 5-6 months in (even though the past few months have been up and down). During our last fight she said "WILL go back to dating ..." in anger and then I found her on the dating site we met. She wants to work things out but refuses to completely delete her online dating profile. I want her to focus on the relationship, when things go wrong, rather than go back there (and I actually didn't check whether she was hopping back there from time to time) but she says, now that we had so many fights she is not sure we will work out so she will keep it deactivated until she knows we will work. I don't understand why the answer is not I can always get a new one if this doesn't work out rather than keeping the (now deactivated) convenient ready-to-go online dating profile.
kendahke Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 Is her having a profile online period a bottom line issue for you? Because she can always delete that account and start up a new one if she wants to be on the site that badly and block you so you can't find it.
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 15, 2016 Author Posted January 15, 2016 Is her having a profile online period a bottom line issue for you? Because she can always delete that account and start up a new one if she wants to be on the site that badly and block you so you can't find it. Good point. On one hand, if she doesn't delete I could always check to see if she is there (as I know her nickname). On the other hand, her unwillingness of not wanting to delete shows me how insincere she is in her effort for us to work out.
HereNorThere Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Threatening someone by activating your online dating is passive aggressive and borderline abusive behavior. You'll never have a successful relationship with someone who always has one foot out of the door. She's not good for you and you need to let her go. I PROMISE you that a woman like this will bring you nothing but heartache and pain. Get out while you still have your sanity. 5
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 You'll never have a successful relationship with someone who always has one foot out of the door. That is how I think and that is the reason for my deletion request. She on the other hand says she doesn't like to be told what to do and how I am making every small thing a big deal and that is a controlling behavior. Just to clarify, she didn't threaten me with I am going back there if we ever fight. it was more like we might not work out so I want to keep that deactivated instead of deleting completely.
Toodaloo Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 She isn't all in and she has a foot in the door. To be blunt I don't think this is going to work. I deactivate or hide mine when I do not want to date for what ever reason. It could be that I am starting a relationship, it could be that I just want a break from meeting random strange men. I only have my profile active if I am actively looking to date. Just saying...
kendahke Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 That is how I think and that is the reason for my deletion request. She on the other hand says she doesn't like to be told what to do and how I am making every small thing a big deal and that is a controlling behavior. Just to clarify, she didn't threaten me with I am going back there if we ever fight. it was more like we might not work out so I want to keep that deactivated instead of deleting completely. so, it's pretty much over except for the breaking up if this is her reasoning. Don't hang around til Valentine's day to do it. If she's keeping her options open instead of putting her focus on your relationship, then just cut her loose.
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 When you are with someone do you completely delete or just deactivate your online dating profile? Story -- We met online. She had trust issues of me being there or the possibility of me going back there (apparently she caught her previous bf there while they were dating) so I completely deleted my then-deactivated profile upon learning that information. We are now 5-6 months in (even though the past few months have been up and down). During our last fight she said "WILL go back to dating ..." in anger and then I found her on the dating site we met. She wants to work things out but refuses to completely delete her online dating profile. I want her to focus on the relationship, when things go wrong, rather than go back there (and I actually didn't check whether she was hopping back there from time to time) but she says, now that we had so many fights she is not sure we will work out so she will keep it deactivated until she knows we will work. I don't understand why the answer is not I can always get a new one if this doesn't work out rather than keeping the (now deactivated) convenient ready-to-go online dating profile. THIS line says it all. And if you can't see this then you need to have your head examined my friend. She's a basket of trouble.
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 THIS line says it all. And if you can't see this then you need to have your head examined my friend. She's a basket of trouble. I'm starting to think some of you are reading it as reactivated rather than deactivated. Just to clarify, she doesn't say she will be on there shopping while we work on the relationship. Deactivated means she is not listed at all. So the profile is taken down. Gone. Unless you go and activate your account and list yourself again. Deletion means you have to go and create a brand new account with new summary, questions, pictures, etc. I just want to make sure there is no misunderstanding. So, she is not on a dating site right now.
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I'm starting to think some of you are reading it as reactivated rather than deactivated. Just to clarify, she doesn't say she will be on there shopping while we work on the relationship. Deactivated means she is not listed at all. So the profile is taken down. Gone. Unless you go and activate your account and list yourself again. Deletion means you have to go and create a brand new account with new summary, questions, pictures, etc. I just want to make sure there is no misunderstanding. So, she is not on a dating site right now. Do you hear yourself? It doesn't matter. She's telling you that she doesn't have faith in your relationship which is why she wants to keep her profile active or inactive and not bother having to start from scratch when your relationship hits the skids. She's not in this at all. THAT is the issue. 2
HereNorThere Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I'm starting to think some of you are reading it as reactivated rather than deactivated. Just to clarify, she doesn't say she will be on there shopping while we work on the relationship. Deactivated means she is not listed at all. So the profile is taken down. Gone. Unless you go and activate your account and list yourself again. Deletion means you have to go and create a brand new account with new summary, questions, pictures, etc. I just want to make sure there is no misunderstanding. So, she is not on a dating site right now. Dude, were a bunch of Internet nerds. We certainly know the difference. 1
HereNorThere Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 This is just her passive aggressive way of letting you know that you could easily be replaced with a few clicks. Healthy people try to make their partners feel secure. This woman rules with fear, intimidation and manipulation. That may work for a while but you'll eventually come to resent it. 1
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Do you hear yourself? It doesn't matter. She's telling you that she doesn't have faith in your relationship which is why she wants to keep her profile active or inactive and not bother having to start from scratch when your relationship hits the skids. She's not in this at all. THAT is the issue. Okay. I guess I am not used to females agreeing with me when I mention a girl problem. That was my point as well! "I answered 600 questions in there" Give me a break, right? 1
Maggie4 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 If she has a paid membership, I can sort of understand her not wanting to forfeit the money by deleting her account, when in her mind things are on the way out. Anyway, there are so many dating sites out there, a person can easily be on multiple sites that you don't know about. You can even be married, and one day find your spouse has been browsing. There are a lot people who go online or contact a backup guy/gal whenever they feel unloved by their partner. I think sooner or later they find out that sort of thing never works out, and some innocent person was used as an ego boost.
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Anyway, there are so many dating sites out there, a person can easily be on multiple sites that you don't know about. You can even be married, and one day find your spouse has been browsing. Knowing her I can already imagine she would make that argument. Like I should trust her because if she wanted she would have or easily can and how she doesn't need a dating site to find a guy because even guys on the street want to date her and all that. Maybe valid but that still doesn't explain why you wouldn't want to delete it. The only argument left is that she says she doesn't want to be told what to do. I heard that from others too but that she is not in it with both feet sign is pretty clear to me. If I ended things now she would say I can't believe you are breaking up with me over a stupid dating site but it is what it is. So, how would you break up with this girl then? Give her time and NC to figure it out or tell her to delete or you are out (ultimatum) or just don't bother with anything because she either doesn't get it or gets it and doesn't care.
katiegrl Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Knowing her I can already imagine she would make that argument. Like I should trust her because if she wanted she would have or easily can and how she doesn't need a dating site to find a guy because even guys on the street want to date her and all that. Maybe valid but that still doesn't explain why you wouldn't want to delete it. The only argument left is that she says she doesn't want to be told what to do. I heard that from others too but that she is not in it with both feet sign is pretty clear to me. ***If I ended things now she would say I can't believe you are breaking up with me over a stupid dating site but it is what it is. *** So, how would you break up with this girl then? Give her time and NC to figure it out or tell her to delete or you are out (ultimatum) or just don't bother with anything because she either doesn't get it or gets it and doesn't care. Quote in asterisk above -- to which you respond ..."no, I am not breaking up with you over a dating site ....I am breaking up with you because you have one foot out the door...and I need to be with a woman who's in this with me all the way." Then wish her well and move on.... 1
Popsicle Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 It sounds like a convenience thing. I don't really get the difference between deleted and deactivated anyway. They seem the same to me - no one else knows/sees that you're on there. As long as it's not activated then it's the same thing. I think your main concern should be that she may not be willing to give your R a good enough try for you.
Popsicle Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 These two have been dating for 5-6 months. You people are acting like they are married. She does have a right to throw the towel in whenever she wants if it's not working for her, you know?
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 These two have been dating for 5-6 months. You people are acting like they are married. She does have a right to throw the towel in whenever she wants if it's not working for her, you know? Of course but she is not throwing in the towel, she says she wants to work things out. The way I see it though if you refuse to delete your profile that is not working things out, that is just you keeping me around due to habit until someone else comes along. Not good faith or putting 100% in. I don't see how things can get better if you have a back up plan that attitude.
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 It sounds like a convenience thing. I don't really get the difference between deleted and deactivated anyway. They seem the same to me - no one else knows/sees that you're on there. As long as it's not activated then it's the same thing. I think your main concern should be that she may not be willing to give your R a good enough try for you. That is my point. If she isn't willing to do that, something that basic, what is she willing to do exactly? That shows me she is not going to put any effort other than wait for me to be nicer, more romantic, more this and that. That is not how you work things out I don't think.
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Quote in asterisk above -- to which you respond ..."no, I am not breaking up with you over a dating site ....I am breaking up with you because you have one foot out the door...and I need to be with a woman who's in this with me all the way." Then wish her well and move on.... How would you break up with this girl? - Give her time and NC to figure it out - Tell her to delete or you are out - Don't bother with anything and fade because she either doesn't get it or gets it and doesn't care
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 When you are with someone do you completely delete or just deactivate your online dating profile? Story -- We met online. She had trust issues of me being there or the possibility of me going back there (apparently she caught her previous bf there while they were dating) so I completely deleted my then-deactivated profile upon learning that information. We are now 5-6 months in (even though the past few months have been up and down). During our last fight she said "WILL go back to dating ..." in anger and then I found her on the dating site we met. She wants to work things out but refuses to completely delete her online dating profile. I want her to focus on the relationship, when things go wrong, rather than go back there (and I actually didn't check whether she was hopping back there from time to time) but she says, now that we had so many fights she is not sure we will work out so she will keep it deactivated until she knows we will work. I don't understand why the answer is not I can always get a new one if this doesn't work out rather than keeping the (now deactivated) convenient ready-to-go online dating profile. The hypocrisy is outrageous. 1
katiegrl Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 (edited) How would you break up with this girl? - Give her time and NC to figure it out - Tell her to delete or you are out - Don't bother with anything and fade because she either doesn't get it or gets it and doesn't care None of the above .....and please don't ever tell or *demand* a woman do something (like delete her profile) or anything ...... or you're out. That sounds like a threat/ultimatum..... and that is NOT cool. Makes you sound like a controlling jerk. So please don't ever do that. How you break up with her? You simply tell her sorry, this isn't working for ya anymore. You need to be with a woman who's all in ...and you don't feel she is ......for a myriad of reasons, not because she won't delete profile. Her not deleting her profile is not the issue. That's just a *symptom* of the *disease* so to speak. The disease is she's not in this with ya.....she doesn't have faith or trust in you ..... or your relationship ...and you can't be with someone who harbors such negativity. Be firm and don't allow her to flip this back on you or manipulate you. Say your peace, wish her well and move on. G'luck! Edited January 16, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Author meanthingsisaid Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 (edited) The hypocrisy is outrageous. You don't know the half of it... You know what she said when I first confronted her about being on a dating site. She said she knew I would go back there, so she went there (during what she thought to be a break up, when I wasn't talking to her for a few days) and hoped I would talk to her there. So even when I delete the da*n profile she thinks I would be back there at some point. This girl was really damaged psychologically. There was no way to gain her trust. And because of that she did all kind of horrible things and relationship ended. And if you ask her, she would say she knew I would disappear and she is glad she didn't get rid of the profile. Self fulfilling prophecy. Edited January 17, 2016 by meanthingsisaid 1
safir Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Deleting and deactivating is the same! You can delete a profile and create a new one in 2 minutes. I think the understanding should be on whether being active on a dating site or not, instead of having a profile there. Because everyone has a profile there and it's not a big deal for me as long as they are not actively swiping right and keep seeing and sleeping with other people. The way that she uses that as a threat worries me more than her having a profile. That is an abusive behavior.
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