married4life Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 Hey everyone, I really need some help here. I'm 38 and have been married for 13 years and have two kiddos. Everything is ok on the homefront and married life is good. Lately, for the past couple of years, married life is stale. There's no excitement and our sex life is lacking. It's not dead, just lacking. My wife and I started a new company 3 years ago and work together every day and come home to each other every night. So, the absence makes the heart grow fonder thing doesn't play a part here. I'm worried I'm just getting tired of the same old same old. So, here's the situation: I met this girl, 25 years old, who is a student in my city and she's a bombshell! She is only the second woman I have ever met to hold my attention like this. I can't stop thinking about her and it's killing me. We work out in the same gym and see each other 3 - 4 times a week. I will approach her and just say hi or ask how her weekend was. Just little stuff like that. She is always receptive with a huge smile and stops whatever she's doing to talk to me. I know I'm being juvenile and need to let this be, but it's just killing me. I feel a need to talk to her whenever possible. I need help! I have stated fantasizing about getting divorced and running off with her more than once and know I need to let this go, but I just can't. I need help and don't want to wreck my marriage and hurt my kids. What can I do to get over this girl???????? I mean, I haven't asked her out for anything, coffee or a date, and feel pretty confident she would say no. BUT I keep entertaining the possibility, because she seems so eager to talk to me whenever I approach her. Can anyone offer advice? I need HELP!
Poppy47 Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 When you ask her for coffee...say... "Hi, I,m married. Care to have coffee with me to relieve the boredom of my wife". That should intrigue her no end. Stop before you start. You have everything you could ever want. Don't even think of putting it jeopardy. Do some reading in the Infidelity forum and here. Poppy. 7
privategal Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Find a new gym. Read the stories here then decide if you want to start an A. This affair by the way starts out fun, steamy, exciting....then fizzles and gets old just like your marriage. It becomes complicated quick and heavy until you desperately want out and feel horrible about everything and wish you never got involved. Its worse if you get caught. 4
sandylee1 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 How good is your marriage really if your having thoughts of running off with this woman? It's one thing to have a crush..but the leaving fantasies are concerning. I think you and your wife need to spend romantic time together..... without the kids. You need to get back that emotional connection ...so that other men and women don't enter your thoughts. If you're thinking this way..... about the sex.. do you think it's mind blowing for your wife? What if she decided to crush on someone and want to take it further? I'm sure you'd feel terribly betrayed if your wife had these thoughts about another man... and you know if she feels neglected because your attention is elsewhere (i.e. with the crush).....she may well seek comfort.... think carefully. Remember..you're in the SAME marriage...it's how you deal with issues that defines who you are. Do date nights..where you each take turns to arrange something. Do you truly love your wife? It's always good to think through the consequences of how this could end if you get entangled in a relationship with your crush. You could start going to the gym a different time. When you think about the woman....just picture your children's happy faces..... work on a better marriage... bringing in a third party isn't the answer. 3
lemondrop21 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 This was basically my MM in the beginning although he claimed his marriage was very bad (I have no way of knowing if that was true). Please don't do this to this unsuspecting girl who is probably just a friendly person, like I was. I very much doubt she wants an affair, and once you fall down that rabbit hole it changes your life and there is no going back. After 9 months of this hell, my MM apologized to me for ever dragging me into it. You would likely end up doing the same, but may also have to face apologizing to your wife and kids and watch your marriage go to hell if you get caught... Can you imagine? Talk to your wife about the sex and whatever else. My MM assumed his wife wouldn't talk and had given up on the marriage... When he emphasized to her how bad things were for him and that he was prepared to leave, she completely changed her tune. They worked on things and their marriage is stronger now, but it all would have come crashing down had the affair been discovered, not to mention the fact that he is now in inner turmoil, having fallen in love with me but not wanting to leave a good-enough marriage. You're not in love with this girl yet, you're just crushing or in "limerence" or whatever. Trust me, you DON'T want those feelings to deepen. Just leave it for now and focus your energy on your marriage. Also consider individual counseling if you are up for it, as these feelings may be coming from somewhere else that has nothing to do with your wife. Sometimes identifying the source of your feelings can be very freeing. 3
Popsicle Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 If you sign up for a forum with that handle (married4life) then I think it's safe to say that you're never going to divorce, so as long as you don't act on it, it's just a silly crush. Plus, I'm sure this young woman won't be impressed that you are married.
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Talk to your wife and arrange the grandparents to take the kids for a weekend, you two go away (even to a nice spa hotel in your city) for some husband wife time. You can't let the passion die between you two and most of all DO NOT let yourself lust and chase after that OW. If you do that, it'll be the beginning of the end of your marriage and life as you know it. STAY AWAY from the OW. Make special efforts for your wife, send her flowers. Write her sexy notes, have a bath together once the kids are in bed. Tell her you love and appreciate her. Remember what you have to lose...
RySant Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Oh gosh.... We can only do so much advice. But it's still your decision to plunge into this nightmare. Remember: Temptation always clothe themselves as very appealing.... don't make the same mistakes of LOTS AND LOTS of people who plunge into infidelity.
Author married4life Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Thank you all for the sound advice. I'm going to take it and put extra effort into my marriage. I won't approach the OW anymore and let it fizzle out. I don't want to destroy what I have and put my kids through hell. I do want to restate, that I didn't go looking for this, it just fell in my lap. I know that sounds cliche, but that's what it is. Knowing that, I will focus my attention on my marriage and not some fantasy that will end up a nightmare. I really like the idea of individual counseling and will pursue that avenue to figure out where the heck these feelings are coming from, bk I don't want them to pop up again in the future. This sucks and I don't want it at all. I'm just having a hard time getting the OW out of my head. I will work hard and keep my focus in the right place. Thank you all for taking the time to help guide me 2
minimariah Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Can anyone offer advice? you need to start being honest with YOURSELF 1st & then others. that means -- recognizing the true state of your marriage (no, your marriage isn't "OK" or "good" if you keep having fantasies about divorcing); recognizing the danger you're already in and recognizing how vulnerable your marriage is ALREADY! this -- Lately, for the past couple of years, married life is stale. There's no excitement and our sex life is lacking. It's not dead, just lacking. is a problem. talk about it with your wife, communicate with her + tell her about the new girl - be honest about your fantasies so your wife could be aware of how troubled your relationship really is. needless to say - move to another gym.
Popsicle Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 This was basically my MM in the beginning although he claimed his marriage was very bad (I have no way of knowing if that was true). Please don't do this to this unsuspecting girl who is probably just a friendly person, like I was. I very much doubt she wants an affair, and once you fall down that rabbit hole it changes your life and there is no going back. After 9 months of this hell, my MM apologized to me for ever dragging me into it. You would likely end up doing the same, but may also have to face apologizing to your wife and kids and watch your marriage go to hell if you get caught... Can you imagine? Talk to your wife about the sex and whatever else. My MM assumed his wife wouldn't talk and had given up on the marriage... When he emphasized to her how bad things were for him and that he was prepared to leave, she completely changed her tune. They worked on things and their marriage is stronger now, but it all would have come crashing down had the affair been discovered, not to mention the fact that he is now in inner turmoil, having fallen in love with me but not wanting to leave a good-enough marriage. You're not in love with this girl yet, you're just crushing or in "limerence" or whatever. Trust me, you DON'T want those feelings to deepen. Just leave it for now and focus your energy on your marriage. Also consider individual counseling if you are up for it, as these feelings may be coming from somewhere else that has nothing to do with your wife. Sometimes identifying the source of your feelings can be very freeing. Excellent post. I truly believe that many MM have never even spoken to their wives about the problems they (the men) are having. It's just too hard for them to bring up and they've been going on in their marriage for so long without saying anything that they don't know how to say it. So it goes unsaid and nothing gets resolved. I'm pretty sure my xMM was in this boat too, except I ended it before it came to a head. 1
Popsicle Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 married4life, if you want to know why you are feeling the way you're feeling, read the book "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel.
Noideanow Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 so sad when a grown up man takes advice from other people instead of following his own heart:(
MissBee Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 (edited) Hey everyone, I really need some help here. I'm 38 and have been married for 13 years and have two kiddos. Everything is ok on the homefront and married life is good. Lately, for the past couple of years, married life is stale. There's no excitement and our sex life is lacking. It's not dead, just lacking. My wife and I started a new company 3 years ago and work together every day and come home to each other every night. So, the absence makes the heart grow fonder thing doesn't play a part here. I'm worried I'm just getting tired of the same old same old. So, here's the situation: I met this girl, 25 years old, who is a student in my city and she's a bombshell! She is only the second woman I have ever met to hold my attention like this. I can't stop thinking about her and it's killing me. We work out in the same gym and see each other 3 - 4 times a week. I will approach her and just say hi or ask how her weekend was. Just little stuff like that. She is always receptive with a huge smile and stops whatever she's doing to talk to me. I know I'm being juvenile and need to let this be, but it's just killing me. I feel a need to talk to her whenever possible. I need help! I have stated fantasizing about getting divorced and running off with her more than once and know I need to let this go, but I just can't. I need help and don't want to wreck my marriage and hurt my kids. What can I do to get over this girl???????? I mean, I haven't asked her out for anything, coffee or a date, and feel pretty confident she would say no. BUT I keep entertaining the possibility, because she seems so eager to talk to me whenever I approach her. Can anyone offer advice? I need HELP! Talk to your wife about your feelings. I'm not saying it to be facetious, I'm dead serious. We're human, these things happen, it's what you do before it becomes full blown that counts. If at the end of the day things are stale but you love your wife, focus on spicing things up with her, discuss what you've told us here, tell her you've began noticing other women more and don't want to and wanted to let her know right away so that you can both refocus on you, I'm sure with her knowing you can both get back on track. Afftairs are strengthened and fostered by secrecy, hiding things, not communicating and then living in a fantasy land, like you're doing. Running off with gym girl is obviously a fantasy, as you don't know her from a can of paint and in the end, everyone gets stale, even gym girl will too. The idea of her and novelty and your boredom is what's fueling this to epic proportions, but when you take a step back she may ultimately not be that special. Focus on your marriage, talk to your wife and be frank about your fear of straying, plan a trip together or even an overnight date, something. But don't ruin your perfectly good relationship for a stranger, who, like I said, will eventually become stale too. If there are fundamental problems it's one thing but like your case, many affairs are not about fundamental issues but simple boredom then allowing that to lead you into boundary crossing into this exciting new territory, where you can imagine running off and all this and even engage in an affair where the fire works are going off and you start being delusional and making promises you can't keep and start to believe no one will ever find out and you can have an OW and wife...then reality hits. Look around the forum, it doesn't just hurt your wife and your family but the OW as well if she really falls for you or buys into your fantasy escape spawned by boredom. It's good that you've posted so that some OW may see what goes into the thought of an affair for some MM, i.e. they don't hate their wives and aren't on the way to divorce, but may be enamored with her because of boredom so cross the line and start future faking, usually unintentionally, like you, the affair hasn't even started and you're already at running off. Boredom or staleness is not worth all that drama and the fall out and no, there isn't a way to guarantee no fall out. Sure, some people go undiscovered but many others don't and beyond discovery, like I said, look around, even when there is do dday, the OW who falls in love and is left while you come to your senses, with your wife none the wiser, will be left licking her wounds and devastated about what it all meant. Edited January 16, 2016 by MissBee 1
anika99 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 so sad when a grown up man takes advice from other people instead of following his own heart:( So you were born knowing everything and have never benefited from the advice of people with experience? Taking advice isn't the same as being told what to do. Besides I think he is following his heart. He said in his first post that he doesn't want to wreck his marriage or hurt his kids so I think that is where his heart truly is. Pursuing the OW would be following his penis and romantic fantasies and if he did that a whole bunch of people are likely to wind up devastated, including the OP and the OW. Would that be sad to you as well? OP everyone's long term relationships get a little stale and boring sometimes and everyone can become attracted to someone other than their spouse, but that's when your loyalty, integrity, and honesty are put to the test. It's easy to say we are loyal and honest when there is nothing tempting us away from those values buts when we are faced with the choice and temptation to do the wrong thing is when our true character comes out. Making the right choice in this situation will strengthen and build your character but the wrong choice will weaken it. You say this just happened, you didn't go looking for it and of course we can't help who we are attracted to, but sitting around fantasizing about leaving your family and running off with the OW is going looking for it. Being the one to always approach her and make small talk is going looking for it. This isn't some force greater than you that is making this happen. You are feeding your feelings by your thoughts and your actions. 4
LAGirl65 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Sexual attraction and chemistry happen. You need to handle it. The best thing is to limit your contact with her. Then, nothing can "happen" If you can't limit contact, like you work together (not in your case looks like) talk incessantly, positively about your wife and kids. This will scare off a good person. If she's not scared off, she's really not a good person, and you should lose respect for her. During my 20 years or marriage, I had one or two times I met someone with a great "spark" or "chemistry" so I RAN AWAY AS FAR AS I COULD. These happened on trips where I would not have been found out, but I knew it was wrong and could only hurt my marriage and my own goals. If you goal is to have a good marriage and happy family, then get away from this crush as fast as you can. Be a grown up. Its like passing up fries when you think you want them because you know they are bad for you. :-) only the outcome is much worse than gaining an extra pound or two. If you are having trouble motivating yourself, imagine your wife's reaction when this girl shares naked pix or you, or your sexting messages, or recordings of your phone calls.....your children's faces when their mom is destroyed by your behavior.....what kind of future do you want? Is she worth the risk (NO). 1
Noideanow Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 So you were born knowing everything and have never benefited from the advice of people with experience? Taking advice isn't the same as being told what to do. Besides I think he is following his heart. He said in his first post that he doesn't want to wreck his marriage or hurt his kids so I think that is where his heart truly is. Pursuing the OW would be following his penis and romantic fantasies and if he did that a whole bunch of people are likely to wind up devastated, including the OP and the OW. Would that be sad to you as well? OP everyone's long term relationships get a little stale and boring sometimes and everyone can become attracted to someone other than their spouse, but that's when your loyalty, integrity, and honesty are put to the test. It's easy to say we are loyal and honest when there is nothing tempting us away from those values buts when we are faced with the choice and temptation to do the wrong thing is when our true character comes out. Making the right choice in this situation will strengthen and build your character but the wrong choice will weaken it. You say this just happened, you didn't go looking for it and of course we can't help who we are attracted to, but sitting around fantasizing about leaving your family and running off with the OW is going looking for it. Being the one to always approach her and make small talk is going looking for it. This isn't some force greater than you that is making this happen. You are feeding your feelings by your thoughts and your actions. i dont agree with you, i would though advice you () to follow your heart and not even listen to your own advice (if im making myself clear:)) have simply heard of too many sad stories of people taking the wrong course following others advice, and living a life without love, but again one can argue if your not mature enough to walk your own way maybe love wasnt yours to be at the time:confused: i though would like to think that that isnt the case:love:
Sassy Girl Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 so sad when a grown up man takes advice from other people instead of following his own heart:( Ridiculous. Guess you missed the part where he said married life is good. Clearly his heart is with his family. And he's recognised it's just a crush. If only more Married men had this introspection before plunging little head first into an affair.... 2
Noideanow Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Ridiculous. Guess you missed the part where he said married life is good. Clearly his heart is with his family. And he's recognised it's just a crush. If only more Married men had this introspection before plunging little head first into an affair.... dont agree:cool:
minimariah Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 ...have simply heard of too many sad stories of people taking the wrong course following others advice... really...? and you somehow missed all the sad stories (on this particular Forum) of folks who DID follow their hearts? you're ignoring those sad stories on purpose or...? ...but again one can argue if your not mature enough to walk your own way maybe love wasnt yours to be at the time:confused: i though would like to think that that isnt the case:love: you're pushing YOUR way into the OP's way -- he is having a crush on a woman & he has a problem with that. you somehow managed to turn it into LOVE already & you're implying that you know better than the OP what's right for his life. where do you see maturity in that thought process, honey? how do you know that this crush will develop into something more - let alone LOVE? can you guarantee the OP that? 1
nightshift Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Well, you know this is wrong. You just need to work on getting past the feeling. There are a couple of things you can do. One, when you find yourself sitting and fantasizing about her, actually change your body position. Stand up and say "I don't think she's all that attractive. I don't want her." I know that sounds silly, but, if you do it enough, it really does start to work. You basically just lie to yourself until the lie becomes the truth. Also, think about some physical flaw she might have. I know it's tough because you are idealizing her, but everyone has something. Now, amplify that flaw in your brain about 100 times. Close your eyes and picture her as ugly and unappealing. Really dwell on this image. That can help too.
sandylee1 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I dont agree with you:) honey:cool: These forums are here for advice and support.....as such the OP is doing the right thing to seek other views. Following 'your heart' has resulted in a lot of bad things in the past and it's sensible to use your head... assuming one is capable of doing so. OP - well done on deciding to refocus on your marriage..... The pain and devastation just isn't worth it. Take care 1
xxoo Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Court your wife. Have a love affair with your wife. There is no reason you can't do so! I'm sure your wife misses the excitement and lust, too. If it's boring for you, it's probably boring for her. You two are way to young to be done with romance and hot sex! Get on it! 3
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