luna juv Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 Hi everyone So I really need your input and advice about a guy who I've grown close to over the course of 8 months. We started off as acquaintances last Summer and didn't really interact until 2 months after we met. He asked me to meet for coffee to remind ourselves of how we acquainted, and talk about our projects. When we met, we went to a bar/restaurant to only have a coffee but ended up having a dinner and chat for 3 hours. It was an intense conversation, where our friendship started. He dropped me off to the transport that evening and gave me a friendly hug as we parted ways. At the time I considered him as just a friend, and found him to be pleasant and easy to get along with. I guess I felt I could express thoughts and ideas to him without second-guessing. Anyway, he wanted to meet me again but was going abroad with his friend for a charity climb. He didn't return until mid-November, at which time I was recovering from an operation I had. However, before he arrived back to the country, he messaged me to ask how I'm doing after my operation. He expressed an interest to meet up again but at his house for a wine and conversation. I was up for it but my sick leave meant I was inconsistent about it for weeks (I kept changing days/times as well as he did), he was also tired and busy catching up with his friends and work. So we finally met in the second week of December. He liked me to visit his house, but I preferred meeting him at a bar or cafe. So we met there. I was still recovering, so we found a nice cosy bar to sit and talk over a drink or two. This time we hung out for 5 hours, just talking away and enjoying each other's company. However, it was at this point that he was showing subtle signs of interest. For one thing, he rubbed my lower back when we walked to the bar. After that he didn't touch me, but he proceeded to ask me questions like, "What's your type of man?", "What are you looking for?", "What's your biggest fear?", "How can I understand your thoughts better?", etc. They were very reasonable and nice questions, and got me thinking and talking about them. But I also struggled expressing things about them, and as we went out to walk to our transports, he started to tease me a little bit and said, "if I looked at your art, would it get me into your thoughts more?" I knew he was particularly interested in me at this point. Whether as a friend or more, I don't know, but I was somehow modest about it. I'm a bit awkward in these type of situation although I'm social and chatty. Anyway, he went abroad again during Xmas break, and I thought we wouldn't really chat while he was away. But he messaged me everyday - at least once - and before he came back to the country he promised we'd meet up to watch a movie together. I found his offer to watch a movie together at his place quite inviting in the sense that it was friendly and welcoming to his personal space. I guess, because we've been talking over text messages for months despite only met 3 times in person, we were quite comfortable as friends at this point. Anyway, this week I went to his place as he invited me for wine and movie. I intended to stay between 6pm and 11pm, then return to my house which is wayyy far from his house, although we lives approximately 45 minutes distance from each other. When we met at the doorstep, we gave a light hug to each other but it wasn't a special hug whatsoever. He did, however, stare at me the whole first hour as we talked. He prepared me really nice snacks and kept pouring my glass with wine as I was drinking. He played music in the background as we talked. It was really nice and comfy. I was enjoying myself, and felt great in his company. He was listening carefully to everything I was talking about, which adds to that feeling of comfort. I felt like I was being paid attention to. I felt like he was genuinely understanding me, which is rare in my past dates/relationships. Anyway, by the time we watched the movie it was 10pm, so we suggested to either watch it in two parts (today and another day) or for me to stay over-night and return home the next day. I decided to wing it. We went to his bedroom to watch the movie, he sat across the bed from me, and we just paid attention to the movie. Then after a while, he moved closer to where I sat and lay down relaxed to watch the movie. We talked now and then, commenting on the movie, and stayed relaxed. Because we were so comfortable with each other, and he expressed what I perceived as a certain degree of interest towards me, I'd have assumed he'll try to progress it a bit by at least holding hands or something. But that didn't happen. Then he touched my knee for about 2 to 3 seconds, rubbing it gently, and out of awkwardness (being as shy as I am), I commented on the scarf i had draped on my knee, and he said "it feels nice". During the movie he was focusing at the start of it playing, but when he sat closer to me, I noticed each time I looked over to him to say something, he was already staring at me as if in contemplation, and he didn't look away. I shrugged it off (uggggh, I'm so shy!), and just chatted. I noticed this a few times. His gaze was just locked on me, and I felt analysed. He did this before we watched the movie, too, but while I was talking to him. Then he sat back where was sitting at the start of the movie, and I was sharing my thoughts to him, and he listened with a smile, and was just staring at me and concentrating on me. I felt listened to but also wondered what's going on in his head. Despite being so present with me, and showing interest in what I was saying and doing, why didn't he do more than just sit closer to me and touch my knee? When it was time for bed, he suggested I can sleep in his room or the other room, so I decided to sleep in the other room. And the next morning he made me breakfast, and just kept staring at me, making eye-contact, and more staring. We were bantering, but his staring was a bit more intense. However, no move was made still. In my head I was thinking, "he's not interested, so I should chill out about expecting anything more". All I could think was I should just treat this as a friendship because it looks like he doesn't want to go past friendship at all. Maybe he appreciates my presence as a friend and that's why he has sparks around me, but isn't interested in anything more than friends. But then, as I got up to leave his place, I said I love horror movies, and he said, "so it looks like I have to watch horror movies, to impress you". And now that made me doubt that he wasn't interested, because he obviously seemed to have tried impressing me by the way he served me earlier on, and seems focused on making impressions on me. We hugged briefly, and I left. And he instantly sent a message to say "let me know how your event goes this morning", we exchanged a couple of messages where he made me laugh with a joke. That was the last we spoke this week (as he's busy for the rest of the week with guests at his house). So I'm just ultimately confused. I wasn't the one who first took interest in him - it was he who was initiating contact and interest, and really pushed us to meet and get to know each other. I was the passive one and he was the assertive, go-getter one. My interest grew for him a while after our second meet up in December, and a bit more in December/January. But I'm not sure if it's wise for me to continue assuming he's interested if he hasn't made a move? I mean, I'm torn as I feel he's showing interest and attraction yet also treating us like solid friends. Do guys take this much time to decide to make a move? From what you read, what do you think might be on his mind? Is he not interested or does he wish not to rush into things? I'm not expecting him to make a move yet per se, but I'm wondering if it sounds like he's interested, and if you have input or experiences of what might be his method? Is he taking his time and trying to get to know me better first, or is he deciding we should remain friends?
Buddhist Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 But I'm not sure if it's wise for me to continue assuming he's interested if he hasn't made a move? I mean, I'm torn as I feel he's showing interest and attraction yet also treating us like solid friends. He hasn't made a move yet because you haven't responded to any of the moves he has made. Sorry but staring intently at you while you are both lying on the bed....leaves nothing to the imagination. You were supposed to look down at his lips when he did that then lose concentration and stumble on your words a bit. Not sit up in head analysing his facial expression and focus heavily on the conversation. Don't know about you but I've never lolled about on a bed with a solid friend and fondled their knee....
smackie9 Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 He hasn't made a move because you have not reciprocated (OH I'M SO SHY!) He's more confused that you are. YOU make a damn move. Grab his hand and stare into his eyes, slip your hand down onto his ass as you lean in for a kiss!!!!
Author luna juv Posted January 15, 2016 Author Posted January 15, 2016 He hasn't made a move because you have not reciprocated (OH I'M SO SHY!) He's more confused that you are. YOU make a damn move. Grab his hand and stare into his eyes, slip your hand down onto his ass as you lean in for a kiss!!!! Lol yes! But I wasn't sure in that precise moment if it was the appropriate thing to do as I got mixed signals from him throughout the evening. On the one hand he said he's been single for a long while because his focus is on his work/career goals, and he wants a partner who can fit into the grand scheme of things where visions are similar and shared. That made me a bit indecisive about the possibilities of any moves made on that night. He's also emotionally hard to read in that he shows friendship behaviour, then suddenly stares at me all the time and sits closer.
truth_seeker Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 YOU make a damn move. Grab his hand and stare into his eyes, slip your hand down onto his ass as you lean in for a kiss!!!! Grabbing his crotch also works.
testmeasure Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 It sounds to me like the two of you are using a different language. It sounds like he is making all kinds of indirect moves. But you're shy and confused by anything that is not direct explicit or clearly stated. What if he is shy in a way that prevents him from making a clear direct explicitly stated move? That leaves you in a prolonged state where you're shy and can't respond to his indirect moves, and he is shy and can't make an directly state his interest. Sounds like someone is going to have to move a little outside their comfort zone and break the ice. On your side of this, you can try to overcome being shy and reciprocate his indirect moves. But if that's not something you understand, it's possible you might do something that would give the wrong signal. A better answer might be if you need clear and direct communication, then just ask him if he's interested in being more than friends. If you initiate the clear direct communication, that may overcome his shyness of it. He may even be perfectly comfortable with being direct and clear if you initiate it. He may even be doing things this way because he is under the impression that most women respond better to indirect moves than being confronted with a direct explicit question or offer. A an indirect move only requires reciprocation. A direct question or offer requires a big decision. I'm like you, I'd prefer get to know someone, at some specific point make a decision together, and then act on it. I'd be much less comfortable with moves and counter moves while both sides piece things together.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I remember hearing on this one YouTube video by Gary Brodsky, he is a very macho man and criticizes, bashes guys of this generation, I remember on one video he was initiating this one guys situation, he said "maybe if I wait a few years, maybe she'll give me the first kiss" and then he said in a stern voice "NO!!!, your a Man, you got a Balls, you take the ****in' lead, OK, you take the ****in' lead, but guys don't do that today, they don't take the lead" when he said that, I felt like punching him very hard, I guess it's because I hate how us guys have to get labeled pussies or cowards for not approaching or making a move, escalating, so its like I want to react back to those people that have those mindsets on gender roles by saying and reacting to them "would you still think I'm a pussy or coward if I swung at you, punched you in the face?" I know and I'm aware that you can't fight or change reality , but my mindset is, if I can't change reality, that's find, but at least I'd like to leave a scar, dent on it
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