Overtexted her on vacation - any chance of recovery?

[nocte]

Been casually dating a girl (28F) for about 2 months.

 

I met her at a social gathering, so we weren't friends beforehand. She gave me her number, got to texting and eventually set up a date.

 

We took our time to get to know each other although it moved very quickly (kissing, sex on 2nd date). She's a very independent person and values her space. Being very busy myself, I respected that and gave it to her consistently throughout our relationship. There was one time where she felt we were moving too fast and needed 10 days of space to figure out her feelings. I gave it to her, was patient and understanding, things were back on track afterwards. We usually texted each other once or twice every 1-2 days and saw each other once a week. There were times where I sensed that she wasn't sure about me, and other times where I felt she was very into me.

 

So two weeks ago, she went on vacation with one of her long-distance male friends from another province. She'd planned this before we met and we haven't had any DTR talks yet, so I didn't let this bother me too much. The night before she left, she was extremely affectionate and told me how much she liked me and would miss me while she was gone. She asked if I would find other "replacements" while she was gone and I made it clear that I wasn't very interested in doing that. We texted each other throughout the day, right up until she was on the plane. We made plans to see each other after she got back.

 

So I was going to give her space during her vacation. I was set on not contacting her at all until she returned. But she sent me a few Snapchat messages 3 days after she left, so I assumed it was OK to contact her. We went back and forth with Snapchat messages every 2-3 days, until one day she stopped replying. Didn't think much of it at the time - she could've been in the middle of something, or busy enjoying her vacation.

 

I sent another snap two days later (just an emoji), again no response. I could see that she read them with no answer. This upset me a little as it takes about 30 seconds to respond.

 

Three days later, the day of her flight home, I sent another snap in the morning. The snap was a video of a scene from her favorite movie that we watched on one of our early dates. In the scene, a dude missed a girl so much that he was moping around on a beach. It was meant to be an inside joke but now I think it was a bit too much. She saw it, and no reply. This devastated me, panic set in a bit. I could've freaked her out big time by sending something like that after 2 unanswered messages.

 

She came back last night. I haven't heard from her yet - she could be busy working, getting settled in, or thinking about what to do with me. I completely messed up by messaging her too much while she was on vacation, not giving her a chance to miss me, always making her feel my presence. I lost control basically, and kept digging myself into a deeper hole by sending her 3 messages in a row without replies.

 

Now I'm worried that I came off way too clingy and unable to respect her space while she was on vacation, which is a total turn-off. Could this be a deal-breaker? Should I wait for her to text me first? Was I being clingy, or am I blowing this out of proportion? What do I do now to salvage this situation? I really like this girl and want things to work out.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

TL;DR: Overtexted a girl while she was on vacation, sent 2 in a row with no reply with 3 days in between each. She's back now and hasn't contacted me, now I'm worried that I was being too clingy and pushed her away.

Edited January 15, 2016 by nocte

[Amelie1980]

You were dating for 2 months. You had sex together. I do not think it unreasonable to send her a message every 2-3 days whilst she was away.

 

I would think it weirder if you didnt contact her. I would want to hear from my boyfriend while I was away. Dont blame yourself, I dont think you did anything wrong.

 

Are you sure she isnt seeing someone on this trip or that guy is more than a friend?

[nocte]

Thanks Amelie, it's just been confusing.

 

We weren't exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend, but I feel we were moving towards it. Just casually dating and feeling each other out (no pun, haha).

 

I'm not clear what their relationship is, she said he was "a friend". I didn't pry into it.

 

Say they slept together during this vacation - is she going cold on me out of guilt?

Edited January 15, 2016 by nocte

[Buddhist]

Now I'm worried that I came off way too clingy and unable to respect her space while she was on vacation, which is a total turn-off. Could this be a deal-breaker? Should I wait for her to text me first? Was I being clingy, or am I blowing this out of proportion? What do I do now to salvage this situation? I really like this girl and want things to work out.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

TL;DR: Overtexted a girl while she was on vacation, sent 2 in a row with no reply with 3 days in between each. She's back now and hasn't contacted me, now I'm worried that I was being too clingy and pushed her away.

 

You are overthinking this big time. Calm your farm. Don't contact her again, wait for her to get in touch. You haven't messed anything up. I mean seriously you sent 2 snapchats.....

 

You know what? You're supposed to be allowed to express affection for another person without it blowing up in your face. You guys have had sex, it should be okay to be messaging her. Surely there is some connection there. Don't start treating her like a startled deer because that will just compound your anxiety and really send things off the cliff.

 

Be calm. Be confident. She will contact you.

[nocte]

You are overthinking this big time. Calm your farm. Don't contact her again, wait for her to get in touch. You haven't messed anything up. I mean seriously you sent 2 snapchats.....

 

You know what? You're supposed to be allowed to express affection for another person without it blowing up in your face. You guys have had sex, it should be okay to be messaging her. Surely there is some connection there. Don't start treating her like a startled deer because that will just compound your anxiety and really send things off the cliff.

 

Be calm. Be confident. She will contact you.

 

Cheers Buddhist, that really puts things into perspective.

 

Right now I'm thinking if I don't hear from her in 2 weeks, I'll send a "It was fun getting to know you - so long" text. And move on.

 

It would really suck to have it end that way and I'd rather not resort to that.

Edited January 15, 2016 by nocte

[TheTraveler]

The guy she went on vacation with put the D in her.

 

As you mentioned, you were casually dating. Sit back and wait. And the follow up text you mentioned two weeks later is awful.

[nocte]

The guy she went on vacation with put the D in her.

 

As you mentioned, you were casually dating. Sit back and wait. And the follow up text you mentioned two weeks later is awful.

 

Something along those lines but more personalized. You guys wouldn't get it.

 

I'm not too fazed by this other guy banging her. Already made my peace with it. He lives 10 hours away and we can move past it if things get more serious. I still haven't decided if I want this girl as my girlfriend yet but I want to see where this goes.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you overdid it with contact while she was away. So don't blame yourself if she's gone cold. I don't think that's what did it. I would love to hear from a guy I was dating if I were out of town. As Buddhist mentioned, you shouldn't be so worried about expressing affection. Many of us ladies would really appreciate such a gesture. So reel in that negative self-talk...you were absolutely not too clingy.

 

What I think is actually a bigger red flag is that she needed 10 days of space so soon. You said you've only been casually dating for 2 months, so what exactly was she taking space from? I think that's where the concern really lies, and this latest distance is somehow connected to whatever was already going through her mind to have needed "space" at such an early stage.

 

Also, as someone else pointed out, this guy may be more than a friend to her. She could be feeling guilty if she wasn't so upfront about that with you. The fact that she's ignored the messages and hasn't been in touch since she got back says all you need to know, I think.

Edited January 15, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[road]

You did not do anything wrong, except you could not see what was happening. For you were blinded by the fact that she was putting out for you.

 

 

You could of been just some dude and she was horny because her main stud was not available.

 

 

As previously pointed out by another poster, a man does not take a woman out on a vacation unless she is willing for him to lay down some pipe on her.

 

 

And, let us not forget the 10 days when she went dark was because Mr Long Distance was in town doing additional pipe work.

 

 

Mr LD saw the texts and said who's that, and said dump him or no more pipe for you.

 

 

Now you know why she has ghosted on you.

[Qboro90]

You didn't over text her at all. I was expecting way worse when I read the title of the thread. The best thing you can do now is wait for her to contact you. Don't be over available and contact her even tho you know she's back. It's a crummy move on her part not to contact you to let you know she's home safe.

 

If I were you I'd make her do a little work to gain your affection back. Let her show you she wants you. Don't give it to her. It sucks but you almost have to start over with her for a couple of days until you can be sure she's invested in you.

 

Again, don't contact her until she contacts you. And even when she does, appear to be busy.

 

"Hey!! I'm back, how've you been"

 

"Everything's good, I'm actually in the middle of something right now but if you're around later tn/after work/in an hour etc, you can tell me about your trip"

[five2nine]

I think she does not like you, otherwise she would be reassuring and communicating with you.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. If I were dating a guy I'd love to hear from him, and often.

[nocte]

Update: it's now 10PM and she's been back last night. I'm already over her, thanks for the advice everyone.

 

I had an epiphany - I'm attracted to her physically and think she's a pretty cool human being.

 

The main reason this is happening is because she's not looking for a serious relationship. She's a career woman and always busy, wants to be free of any attachments.

 

I'm also very busy myself so this can work out.

 

I'm going to wait a week and proposition a friends-with-benefits arrangement. If anyone here has done anything similar, feel free to give any pointers.

[HereNorThere]

Wow, I was really expecting to see that you over-texted, but that's definitely not the case.

 

She was boning that other guy, straight up. Don't blame yourself for something that she did. I'm sure once she gets the taste of him cleansed from her pallete she'll come back around... If you still want her that is.

[xcupid]

Doesn't sound like she wants any sort of commitment at this stage.

[MissBee]

When I read the title I was expecting to read about some situation where you sent her like 10 text messages a day or more back to back or texted her non-stop every hour with no response....but 2 Snapchat messages 3 days a part is hardly overtexting.

 

More women than men seem to post questions like this about whether or not xyz is "clingy" and regardless of if a man or woman is doing this, usually my answer is: no it's not. There are some rare cases where it actually is clingy, like the above, but usually it's someone with a very normal simple situation with someone who let's face it, isn't all that into them, and they read the disinterest as them being clingy or internalize it as their fault when the truth is that they've not behaved in an outlandish way at all, but this other person is the one who isn't into them. Usually if you have to overthink SIMPLE communication or the person makes you feel badly for texting them twice in a row (or something else that is actually reasonable), it means something is wrong with THEM, not you. It usually means they don't like you all that much.

 

I'm a woman who values space, but I think there is the "space" where it's code for, I don't like you all that much but want to have you sometimes so don't want you to expect too much, which is a barrier they set up to keep your expectations low and then the more realistic kind where you just don't want someone to be overbearing. Clingy for me is me going on vacation and you call me 5 times a day, constantly ask what I'm doing, if I don't answer you call and text non-stop etc. But most reasonable women who genuinely like you will be thrilled you're thinking of them and will not read 2 Snapchat messages as overbearing....however, in my experience when I'm not that into a guy it's very easy for him to annoy me.

 

I don't think you and this chick are compatible. It seems she's either not that into you or your styles are too different. I don't think it's worth it to be with someone where you have to over-analyze everything and need to feel badly for sending them a total of 4 messages 3 days apart....come on...

Edited January 16, 2016 by MissBee

[CC12]

I'm going to wait a week and proposition a friends-with-benefits arrangement. If anyone here has done anything similar, feel free to give any pointers.

 

So after she's ignored you for a week (and more while she was on vacation) you're going to ask her to keep having sex with you? I don't think that's a good idea. I think if she wanted to keep having sex with you, she would be doing just that, as long as you allowed it.

 

Anyway, weren't you guys kind of already FWB?

[ExpatInItaly]

So after she's ignored you for a week (and more while she was on vacation) you're going to ask her to keep having sex with you? I don't think that's a good idea. I think if she wanted to keep having sex with you, she would be doing just that, as long as you allowed it.

Anyway, weren't you guys kind of already FWB?

 

As a woman, I totally agree.

 

OP, please don't proposition her for anything. Trust me, she will see right through it and it's a turn-off. She knows where to find you if she wants. I say this as a woman who's had a FWB before. You're already in that territory and actually suggesting it will look...not good.

[HereNorThere]

Nah, if you play it totally cool and give her the space she wants, she'll put you back in FWB category when she's done doing whatever she's doing. As long as you're cool and don't guilt her, you'll get it again.

[road]

Nah, if you play it totally cool and give her the space she wants, she'll put you back in FWB category when she's done doing whatever she's doing. As long as you're cool and don't guilt her, you'll get it again.

 

 

Yes she will need the OP when her LDR stud is too far away to service her.

 

 

Unbelievable that the OP can not see why she went dark with him before the vacation and what it means what she was doing on her vacation with another man, and how she is now dark on him now.

 

 

OP will never be more than her backup so her dry spells will not be too long.

[nocte]

UPDATE: Woke up this morning and saw that she posted a public Snapchat story last night at 1am - didn't click into it to view (she'll know I saw it if I do), but I saw the thumbnail: it's a black and white picture of her face looking pretty damn depressed. We always check each other's Snapchat stories and I know she's expecting me to see this. So.. is she trying to get me to reach out?

 

So after she's ignored you for a week (and more while she was on vacation) you're going to ask her to keep having sex with you? I don't think that's a good idea. I think if she wanted to keep having sex with you, she would be doing just that, as long as you allowed it.

 

Anyway, weren't you guys kind of already FWB?

 

We were in ambiguous territory. Never had a talk about defining what the relationship was, kept it pretty cool. We were romantic and lovey-dovey with each other too at times and I think that's where the confusion is. I took her out on dates but we always ended up at her place. We'd cuddle in the mornings and she'd kiss me goodbye every time.

 

Here's my reading of the situation: she wanted to mess around but thinks I'm in too deep with her, when I'm not really. So she didn't have the guts to bring it up. She likes me as a person, doesn't want to hurt my feelings, so now she's cutting it off. At the same time, she's feeling bad about the whole thing for not being upfront.

 

As a woman, I totally agree.

 

OP, please don't proposition her for anything. Trust me, she will see right through it and it's a turn-off. She knows where to find you if she wants. I say this as a woman who's had a FWB before. You're already in that territory and actually suggesting it will look...not good.

 

I've got nothing to lose here. It's also how I suggest it - not going to make a tacky proposition and make her feel cheap. First, I'm going to send her a goodbye text that shows I'm not upset or mad at her about anything.

 

I'll give her more space and tell her, basically, I'm still up to tango as friends, no strings or hard feelings. And make it clear that I'm over her romantically but I still think she's a pretty cool person. We'll set a few ground rules and have some fun.

 

I doubt she'll reach out to me again if I don't make the proposition - she doesn't want to hurt my feelings by prolonging this and we should finally get on the same page.

 

Nah, if you play it totally cool and give her the space she wants, she'll put you back in FWB category when she's done doing whatever she's doing. As long as you're cool and don't guilt her, you'll get it again.

 

That's the way I see it too.

 

I'm a very non-judgmental person by nature. Sure, I saw potential, but my ego isn't too bruised by her not wanting to get serious with me - she's hinted before that she doesn't want to be committed to anything right now and enjoys her freedom. I know I can find a girl who I'll commit to eventually, it's just not her and that's cool. I think it can be a good FWB arrangement.

Edited January 16, 2016 by nocte

[Omei]

I dont think you should send a goodbye text or anything she used the trip to drop you, she hasn't texted still she doesn't care so why should you.

 

Dont send her anything too many days have passed it will just be ignored and you'll look a tad pathetic to her not getting the hint.

[Mrin]

OP: agree with others you did nothing wrong.

 

That being said, let's take all your feelings out of it for a second okay? You two were dating. Having sex. Friends. Lovers. Casual banter. She goes on vacation with a male friend. But you keep up the causal banter. Then she stops dead. You follow up with a couple more - no reply. She's back and posting depressed pictures of herself on snapchat but still not reply.

 

What probably happened: she had sex with the male friend or another dude while on vacation. She wasn't intending for it to happen but it did. She feels like she screwed stuff up with you and now this dude she had sex with isn't giving her any attention. So she's all sad.

 

What else may have happened: She might have been sexually assaulted by her male friend. Or by someone else. And due to the stigmas associated with sexual assault, she's not contacting you. Her mom might have died while she was on the vacation. She might have found out she has a terminal illness while on vacation. She might have been fired from her job while she was on vacation. And so on....

 

My point is you don't know. So rather than sending a " you wanna FWB?" type message, just be a normal adult and send something like "hey you, welcome back. I know we've sorta drifted apart but just want to make sure you're okay. Hope all is well."

[kgcolonel]

OP, I see no reason to send the text....I see that move as trying to get an answer from her....she will give you the answer when she's ready either by direct communication or by silence. No reason to play your hand out of turn. If she's still interested, you will completely blow it by sending a good-bye text.

 

Just cool off and entertain yourself....don't be the eager boy waiting at her door, just go occupy yourself with things you enjoy doing.....if you meet someone else, great if she comes to you great....don't burn bridges if you're still interested in her.

[Art_Critic]

she went on vacation with one of her long-distance male friends from another province.

 

I wouldn't worry about the over texting.. I would worry about the other guy she is boinking... oh yeah..they are just friends

 

no need for you to be the back up guy, next....

[nocte]

OP: agree with others you did nothing wrong.

 

That being said, let's take all your feelings out of it for a second okay? You two were dating. Having sex. Friends. Lovers. Casual banter. She goes on vacation with a male friend. But you keep up the causal banter. Then she stops dead. You follow up with a couple more - no reply. She's back and posting depressed pictures of herself on snapchat but still not reply.

 

What probably happened: she had sex with the male friend or another dude while on vacation. She wasn't intending for it to happen but it did. She feels like she screwed stuff up with you and now this dude she had sex with isn't giving her any attention. So she's all sad.

 

What else may have happened: She might have been sexually assaulted by her male friend. Or by someone else. And due to the stigmas associated with sexual assault, she's not contacting you. Her mom might have died while she was on the vacation. She might have found out she has a terminal illness while on vacation. She might have been fired from her job while she was on vacation. And so on....

 

My point is you don't know. So rather than sending a " you wanna FWB?" type message, just be a normal adult and send something like "hey you, welcome back. I know we've sorta drifted apart but just want to make sure you're okay. Hope all is well."

 

I agree with your reasoning. Call me selfish, but the problem with this approach is that it'll re-enforce the whole "I'm so in love with you, what's wrong?" thing that she thinks is going on with me. I'm 99% sure nothing ****ed up has happened, otherwise she'd tell me by next week.

 

OP, I see no reason to send the text....I see that move as trying to get an answer from her....she will give you the answer when she's ready either by direct communication or by silence. No reason to play your hand out of turn. If she's still interested, you will completely blow it by sending a good-bye text.

 

Reason to send it is to show that it's no biggie, this wasn't as serious as you thought I was taking it and it's all good. If she's still interested then she'll pursue.