Update from last thread ( her wanting space again)

[ExpatInItaly]

But she's been used and in an abused relationship. She truly knows how it feels to be used... I don't think she's using me for that, maybe as a safety net ( which I am not okay with if she doesn't want to be in this relationship) but I don't think she is flirting with other guys, but maybe she just wants something different from me ?

 

Just because she has been used does not mean she isn't capable of the same behaviour.

 

Do you not think you deserve someone who's as invested as you are? She isn't interested enough to stay with you. Requesting space like this is a clear indication of her feelings for you; they're just not that strong.

 

Anyway, it's obvious you're not going to go anywhere. It's sad because you seem like a decent guy. But you've got no backbone, and as a woman, I should point out how unattractive that is. We don't love men who appear weak, you know? We lose respect for guys that don't stand up for themselves and pander to us all the time. If you really want to get her attention and bring her back to you with some level of commitment, you're doing it all wrong.

[Coollaxer]

Just because she has been used does not mean she isn't capable of the same behaviour.

 

Do you not think you deserve someone who's as invested as you are? She isn't interested enough to stay with you. Requesting space like this is a clear indication of her feelings for you; they're just not that strong.

 

Anyway, it's obvious you're not going to go anywhere. It's sad because you seem like a decent guy. But you've got no backbone, and as a woman, I should point out how unattractive that is. We don't love men who appear weak, you know? We lose respect for guys that don't stand up for themselves and pander to us all the time. If you really want to get her attention and bring her back to you with some level of commitment, you're doing it all wrong.

How do you suggest I do it right?

[Qboro90]

Dude cmon you're being so naive about this. She's telling you everything she knows she can that will keep you there as a safety net while not spelling out to you that she wants to see what else is out there and have fun like her friends are.

 

When she told you that her friend broke up with her BF and now she's having a blast being single, that right there should tell you that she wants to do that as well. You should've said "ok, call her up then because I'm done with you"

 

You say you "don't have the heart to break up with her". When really you don't have the balls and are holding out hope that the 1% chance of her realizing you're the one for her suddenly happens and she confesses her love for you and everything is butterflies and fairy tales. I'm legit telling you that this girl is going to leave you before the summer. She's just prepping you now for the eventual break up.

 

The ONLY way you can ever date this girl and have things work out is if you beat her to the punch and break up with her first. You have to tell her that you tried to give her the benefit of the doubt but when she's publicly snapchatiing and talking to other guys, and telling you she's curious about being single and having fun, and is worried about the risk of breaking up with you then realizing it was a mistake .... But enough is enough. If you break up with her and she's faced with losing you for real, that's the only way she'll have to make a decision.

 

When you go along with what she says and let her "figure things out" , all you're doing is showing her that you're not a guy who commands respect from his gf. If she can walk all over you and know you're gonna be there every time, then she's going to lose all attraction for you. Girls, especially high school girls her age, don't date guys who they know are always available and safe. You need to make her feel like you have other options and aren't gonna put up with a high school chick stringing you along. The longer you let her, the less she's going to want you.

 

So either finally become a man and take control... Or wait for the inevitable. She's either gonna cheat on you and cry apologizing, fall for another guy and break up with you... Or break up with you before summer starts or before she leaves for college. I'll bet my salary on it.

[kendahke]

If she's in high school, where exactly does she want to go away to to clear her head? Doesn't she have to show up for classes?

[Coollaxer]

Dude cmon you're being so naive about this. She's telling you everything she knows she can that will keep you there as a safety net while not spelling out to you that she wants to see what else is out there and have fun like her friends are.

 

When she told you that her friend broke up with her BF and now she's having a blast being single, that right there should tell you that she wants to do that as well. You should've said "ok, call her up then because I'm done with you"

 

You say you "don't have the heart to break up with her". When really you don't have the balls and are holding out hope that the 1% chance of her realizing you're the one for her suddenly happens and she confesses her love for you and everything is butterflies and fairy tales. I'm legit telling you that this girl is going to leave you before the summer. She's just prepping you now for the eventual break up.

 

The ONLY way you can ever date this girl and have things work out is if you beat her to the punch and break up with her first. You have to tell her that you tried to give her the benefit of the doubt but when she's publicly snapchatiing and talking to other guys, and telling you she's curious about being single and having fun, and is worried about the risk of breaking up with you then realizing it was a mistake .... But enough is enough. If you break up with her and she's faced with losing you for real, that's the only way she'll have to make a decision.

 

When you go along with what she says and let her "figure things out" , all you're doing is showing her that you're not a guy who commands respect from his gf. If she can walk all over you and know you're gonna be there every time, then she's going to lose all attraction for you. Girls, especially high school girls her age, don't date guys who they know are always available and safe. You need to make her feel like you have other options and aren't gonna put up with a high school chick stringing you along. The longer you let her, the less she's going to want you.

 

So either finally become a man and take control... Or wait for the inevitable. She's either gonna cheat on you and cry apologizing, fall for another guy and break up with you... Or break up with you before summer starts or before she leaves for college. I'll bet my salary on it.

 

So how do I gain control? What do I do just break up with her? I don't know where to start...

[Coollaxer]

Last time we took space and I wanted to take my space I didn't text her, she texted me. And she was upset that I didn't even check to see if she was okay or not, and plus she said she lost the connection was because she thought I didn't care about her... So when I give her attention she thinks I'm attractive but when I give her less she gets upset? Latley every time she gets up set and getting annoyed at me I have been getting annoyed right back.. So what do I do now??

[Qboro90]

Last time we took space and I wanted to take my space I didn't text her, she texted me. And she was upset that I didn't even check to see if she was okay or not, and plus she said she lost the connection was because she thought I didn't care about her... So when I give her attention she thinks I'm attractive but when I give her less she gets upset? Latley every time she gets up set and getting annoyed at me I have been getting annoyed right back.. So what do I do now??

 

Just told you what to do. When you let your hs girlfriend dictate the relationship you are bound for problems like this. Assert yourself and make her make a decision or walk. It's gonna take balls to walk away... But if you stay you're letting her cut them off anyways. So make your choice

[Qboro90]

So how do I gain control? What do I do just break up with her? I don't know where to start...

 

The next time you're with her or talking to her and she brings up not being sure about what she wants. Or if you really want to take control you send her a text and ask her if you can meet up with her tonight/ next time she's free. Don't say anything else. Just let her freak out for a little like she's making you freak out.

 

You tell her that exactly what I wrote in my precious reply. About you giving her the benefit of the doubt with everything she's said and done, but at this point you can't live everyday on edge wondering if your girlfriend is going to like me next week, or next month. Tell her you want to date someone who you know will love you in 6 months, a year etc without question. And if you were telling her the things she told you, would she keep dating you?

 

Then you say that you believe she's confused and unsure and scared of losing you in the event she realizes she made a mistake. But it's unfair to you to have a girlfriend that can't be sure of her feelings and the direction of the relationship. She has to accept the risk of losing you and making that mistake.. And you have to accept the risk that she ends up feeling like it wasn't a mistake. Either way... It's over for the time being.

[Coollaxer]

The next time you're with her or talking to her and she brings up not being sure about what she wants. Or if you really want to take control you send her a text and ask her if you can meet up with her tonight/ next time she's free. Don't say anything else. Just let her freak out for a little like she's making you freak out.

 

You tell her that exactly what I wrote in my precious reply. About you giving her the benefit of the doubt with everything she's said and done, but at this point you can't live everyday on edge wondering if your girlfriend is going to like me next week, or next month. Tell her you want to date someone who you know will love you in 6 months, a year etc without question. And if you were telling her the things she told you, would she keep dating you?

 

Then you say that you believe she's confused and unsure and scared of losing you in the event she realizes she made a mistake. But it's unfair to you to have a girlfriend that can't be sure of her feelings and the direction of the relationship. She has to accept the risk of losing you and making that mistake.. And you have to accept the risk that she ends up feeling like it wasn't a mistake. Either way... It's over for the time being.

Okay but do I do this now? Or wait till she gets back from her trip? I don't want to ruin her trip for the next 4 days... And let me ask you something, when ever I get upset around her or like for ex: she told he that she didn't know if she wanted to be just friends or not, I cried. Is it bad to cry in front of her?

[campeo]

No, its not bad to cry in front of her. It means you have feelings and are sincere.

 

It is, however, not attractive to cry and then stay together. Crying is fine during an actual breakup. A woman understands that and doesn't view you as weak for mourning an ending. But if she's staying with you because you are crying, it lowers her endearment.

 

You are young. You will have many more relationships. This is time to assert your needs and boundaries and be willing to walk away. It won't be the first time in your life you will have to do that, and its better to experience at a young age so you know you can stand your ground later when more is on the line.

[katiegrl]

Anyway, it's obvious you're not going to go anywhere. It's sad because you seem like a decent guy. But you've got no backbone, and as a woman, I should point out how unattractive that is. We don't love men who appear weak, you know? We lose respect for guys that don't stand up for themselves and pander to us all the time. If you really want to get her attention and bring her back to you with some level of commitment, you're doing it all wrong.

 

This is by far (IMO) the best and most constructive post on this thread.

 

Guys really REALLY need to understand this.

 

I cringe when I read posts from guys telling us they've begged, cried, and/or otherwise tolerated crap from women that no self-respecting man should ever tolerate.

 

Not that the OP has begged or cried.... but you are certainly tolerating a great deal of BS from her.... which trust me is NOT scoring any points.

 

You want her respect? Tell her to eff off and have a nice life.

 

Okay if you don't wish to be that harsh....but somehow, in some manner that is comfortable for you, WALK AWAY.

 

If she's inclined to respect you at all.... it won't be UNTIL you do that.

 

Because right now.... don't be surprised if she's laughing with her friends behind your back telling them she has so has you whipped and wrapped around her finger....

 

You don't think she's like that? Think again....

 

I am sorry to be this harsh with you....but not sure any other way to say it....so it sinks in.

 

Gather up all the self-respect you can muster and walk away. Wish her well and then block....and move on with your life and learn from this.

Edited January 16, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Last time we took space and I wanted to take my space I didn't text her, she texted me. And she was upset that I didn't even check to see if she was okay or not, and plus she said she lost the connection was because she thought I didn't care about her... So when I give her attention she thinks I'm attractive but when I give her less she gets upset? Latley every time she gets up set and getting annoyed at me I have been getting annoyed right back.. So what do I do now??

 

She sounds like a spoiled princess.

 

All the more reason to dump her.....

 

You can't win with a girl like her, you DO realize that, don't you?

 

Nevermind, apparently you don't.

 

How would you EVER make her, or any self-centered, spoiled princess, happy.

 

When you respect yourself and pull back, she accuses you of not caring....and claims to lose the connection because of it. wah wah..... what a bunch of crap....and utter manipulation which YOU allow.

 

When you give her attention...she gets bored and seeks the attention of other guys (yes she is).

 

What the hell....why do you tolerate such nonsense?

 

Boggles the mind......

[Coollaxer]

She never used to be like this.. I don't know why this is happening but I guess her true colors have shown. I do love her so I'm gonna try again. But tell me if this is okay or not, if I wait till she gets back and tell her this. " we need to talk ( in person) I need to know what went on in your head this weekend. I need to know if you are in this 110% because I always have been. But I can't keep being put on an emotional roller coaster like this. It needs to stop because I can't deal with it anymore it's too much, it's throwing me off for my work, school, lacrosse. I need to know if your in or out. I'm trying to make this work but it takes 2 people to make it work. but this cannot happen again. I don't deserve this, and I shouldn't be on edge every day trying to weigh on that if your gonna be having a problkem with our relationship in 2 days or 2 weeks or 2 months. And this cannot happen again, I'm not saying you can't tell me your feelings but you can't bring me on this roller coaster anymore, if it happens again then we either need to take a break or break up. But I love you and I wanna try this if you do"

[Qboro90]

Okay but do I do this now? Or wait till she gets back from her trip? I don't want to ruin her trip for the next 4 days... And let me ask you something, when ever I get upset around her or like for ex: she told he that she didn't know if she wanted to be just friends or not, I cried. Is it bad to cry in front of her?

 

Despite what others said here, yes.. It is bad to cry in front of her. You make yourself look desperate and weak. If the roles were reversed and you were questioning whether or not you wanted to continue dating her and she started crying and saying "pleaseee! I want this to work out, what should I do to make you want that too?!".. What would you think.?

 

I'd think "jeez lady, get a grip, you were hotter when I didn't know what an emotional sap you were"

 

Your in college, on a lacrosse team. You can do better.

 

She fed you some line of crap about "not having service" while she's away. Dude, it's 2016.. She has service, she just doesn't wanna talk to you and said that so she could have a few days off from your relationship. If I were you I'd pretend I was single until she came back and contacts you. Then you take it from there. Since you can't contact or speak to her until she's back, there's no use torturing yourself thinking about it until then.

[katiegrl]

Despite what others said here, yes.. It is bad to cry in front of her. You make yourself look desperate and weak. If the roles were reversed and you were questioning whether or not you wanted to continue dating her and she started crying and saying "pleaseee! I want this to work out, what should I do to make you want that too?!".. What would you think.?

 

I'd think "jeez lady, get a grip, you were hotter when I didn't know what an emotional sap you were"

 

Your in college, on a lacrosse team. You can do better.

 

She fed you some line of crap about "not having service" while she's away. Dude, it's 2016.. She has service, she just doesn't wanna talk to you and said that so she could have a few days off from your relationship. If I were you I'd pretend I was single until she came back and contacts you. Then you take it from there. Since you can't contact or speak to her until she's back, there's no use torturing yourself thinking about it until then.

 

This^^ and all other posts from Qboro....he KNOWS.

[ExpatInItaly]

She never used to be like this.. I don't know why this is happening but I guess her true colors have shown. I do love her so I'm gonna try again. But tell me if this is okay or not, if I wait till she gets back and tell her this. " we need to talk ( in person) I need to know what went on in your head this weekend. I need to know if you are in this 110% because I always have been. But I can't keep being put on an emotional roller coaster like this. It needs to stop because I can't deal with it anymore it's too much, it's throwing me off for my work, school, lacrosse. I need to know if your in or out. I'm trying to make this work but it takes 2 people to make it work. but this cannot happen again. I don't deserve this, and I shouldn't be on edge every day trying to weigh on that if your gonna be having a problkem with our relationship in 2 days or 2 weeks or 2 months. And this cannot happen again, I'm not saying you can't tell me your feelings but you can't bring me on this roller coaster anymore, if it happens again then we either need to take a break or break up. But I love you and I wanna try this if you do"

 

My friend, she is in high school. You're not dealing with a fully mature woman here. I'm not sure why you don't get that. She's changing and exploring and not ready to settle down with one guy. Her taking space and then freaking out when you don't pay attention to her is a very clear sign of that emotional immaturity. This is about her ego, not about her feelings for you.

 

And please avoid telling her if this happens again "we need to take a break or break up." For heaven's sake OP, she's already taking breaks from you. Find them cojones and tell her this behaviour stops or you're gone. For good. She won't take you seriously whatsoever if you tell her you need a break. Big deal. She's already calling all the shots and taking space when she wants.

 

What is so awesome about this girl that you're clinging on like this? I'm darn certain you can do better. Can't you?

[Gaeta]

My friend, she is in high school. You're not dealing with a fully mature woman here. I'm not sure why you don't get that.

 

He doesn't get it because he is 18 as well.

 

 

OP: When we're young we need to learn our lesson the hard way. If your heart tells you to wait around for her than do it. But in a couple of weeks-months when she ignores most your text please remember everything we said and next time recognize when someone doesn't want to be with you anymore but just does not have the heart to say it out loud.

 

Good luck with everything.

[Coollaxer]

So far I told her what I wanted, I told her that she needs to get her feelings in line if she wants this to work, and she told me she felt this way bc she felt I didn't want her, well I got mad and kinda wnt off on her and she understood, seems like she is super lovey Dovey now. And she sent me this today:"And I feel terrible because I feel like for so long I was taking my emotions out on you because I was so used to people treating me like **** that I was just waiting for you to start treating me in that way and now I know that it was just me taking out my emotions on someone I'm so vulnerable to and I'm very sorry for not treating you the best I can and I hope we can mend our relationship and start fresh and be the strong, in love couple that we are" what do you guys think? I think it's starting to go north but if Anythjng comes up I'll most likely get very upset and tell her I can't do this anymore. But I feel like things are bring info up.. What do you think?!

[smackie9]

i think the answer still remains the same.....breakup.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think nothing has really changed. When someone is really in love with you, you don't need to campaign for their love. They give it openly and they don't need so much space.

 

Sorry OP.