Dealing with inexperience....

January 15, 2016

Hello, I'm Sacha and new to this forum.

I have not had a lot of success with dating over the years, and I am working hard to change my habits and become better - I have come a long way, and am starting to put stuff into practice, but inexperience for me is a big hurdle that can only be overcome as I find success.

So....how do I deal with this on my date? If I say nothing, I can only fake it so much - girls will tend to see right through me, and I'd never know how. If I say something, she would think me a fool and wonder what's wrong with him and run away.

Just a touch of background: first and only girl I kissed was 12 years ago. First and only time ever getting laid was 5 years ago in Amsterdam's Red Light district (not a great experience; more like getting checked out by a doctor, no involvement with a WTF look on my face), and first date ever was 6 months ago. Even though I have 'officially' lost my virginity, for all intents and purposes I still consider myself a virgin. If I was 24......no big deal, as people would generally understand. THIS YEAR I TURN 35!!!!!!! THAT is my problem!

Edited January 15, 2016 by tasev1

January 15, 2016

Just be honest about it? It is not such a taboo as people think it is. Some people even have a preference for people with no experience. The more you try to hide or play around it, the more likely you are just going to make things awkward.

January 15, 2016

I am inexperienced at dating, but nothing wrong with that, I suppose.

January 15, 2016

I know you have heard that saying (practice makes perfect) well meeting and talking to people is almost the same. The more you do it the more better you get at it. Be yourself man. Remember that everyone has gotten turn down at some point in there lives. Even the good looking ones. There's always going to be a lady who likes you for you. That's a promise. Take it from me....an experienced man who was once inexperienced. Good luck.

January 15, 2016

So....how do I deal with this on my date? If I say nothing, I can only fake it so much - girls will tend to see right through me, and I'd never know how. If I say something, she would think me a fool and wonder what's wrong with him and run away.

Your problem isn't that you're 35. Your problem is the above statement. Think about what you just said. I'm faking it, people see through me, I can't. How about this is who I am, there's nothing fake about that. It's okay to be excited about meeting someone, if I'm not for her, that's not a big deal.

This is where you need to start and it helps if you remove or tuck away the expectation of relationship/sex/whatever....in the meantime.

January 16, 2016

Thanks peeps, I appreciate your responses.

Based on your suggestions:

As I don't make a very good liar, I will play my best self, and if she asks, give her a truthful but confident answer. Such as: "it has been a long time since I have dated anyone / I have had little success" without actually labelling my inexperience.

January 16, 2016

What have you been doing? And what changed that caused you to want to start dating 6 months ago.

Tell them what you have been doing as a positive and what caused your new interest in dating.

I was really focused on school and very serious about it. Then I was focused on my job and a particular hobby. Now I'm realizing I want a family.

Don't talk about your history in a way that has negative undertones. The word "Inexperienced" sounds negative. Your history is not necessarily a bad thing. You don't have any baggage from any past relationships.

If it comes up, just tell them you've never really dated or been in a relationship. Explain why you're motivated to try dating now. Do this in just in a matter of fact way. If you're good with humor, you could work in something about not having any baggage as a joke. Once you've done that don't talk about it a lot or make an issue of it unless she brings it up. Just go back to focusing on telling them about what you have been doing.

I don't think your history is going to be an issue for most people. If you, yourself appear to have a big issue with your history, that may be more of an issue to others than the history itself is.

January 19, 2016

To add insult to injury, I have other blockages that are keeping me mentally out of sync with everything else. And these would easily keep good quality women away:

-Still living at home (for financial reasons)

-Overcoming old beliefs and habits due to the way I was raised

-Not having circles of friends congruent to meeting women, and not hanging out with fun people on a regular basis.

-Unsatisfaction with career, and a loss of direction.

-Minor self-consciousness about small penis and body type (even though I am quite fit, I still have belly and man boobs; my penis is well below standard).

I would EASILY get professional help and get bootcamps, etc....if only I could afford it.

January 19, 2016

To add insult to injury, I have other blockages that are keeping me mentally out of sync with everything else. And these would easily keep good quality women away:

-Still living at home (for financial reasons)
-Overcoming old beliefs and habits due to the way I was raised
-Not having circles of friends congruent to meeting women, and not hanging out with fun people on a regular basis.
-Unsatisfaction with career, and a loss of direction.
-Minor self-consciousness about small penis and body type (even though I am quite fit, I still have belly and man boobs; my penis is well below standard).

I would EASILY get professional help and get bootcamps, etc....if only I could afford it.

All these things you can change without money. Everything is at your finger tips on the net. You can look for a new career opportunity on the net, you can read self help articles for free, you can get tips on healthy recipes and weight loss for free, you can find social meet ups posted on local forums, you can get a pair of runner and go out jogging and that costs nothing, you can get tips on exercises you can do at home for free......the only way to start this is to change your attitude, take responsibility for once, and make a true effort ....I think you have been making excuses all your life and look where it has gotten you.....time to man up and finally own it.

January 19, 2016

To add insult to injury, I have other blockages that are keeping me mentally out of sync with everything else. And these would easily keep good quality women away:

-Still living at home (for financial reasons)
-Overcoming old beliefs and habits due to the way I was raised
-Not having circles of friends congruent to meeting women, and not hanging out with fun people on a regular basis.
-Unsatisfaction with career, and a loss of direction.
-Minor self-consciousness about small penis and body type (even though I am quite fit, I still have belly and man boobs; my penis is well below standard).

I would EASILY get professional help and get bootcamps, etc....if only I could afford it.

Are you for real? Is this a joke?

Lets say this is real.

35, overweight, small d-ck, no money, lives with parents. Unbelievably, there is hope! There are so many con artists out there who get what thy want. They're just good salesmen.

First thing, work on you.

- New Hairstyle

- New Wardrobe

- Join a gym

You say you have no money? Use your credit card. Pay the minimum monthly.

It's January so set a goal: February 1st - May 1st - workout at a gym, improve your appearance.

I don't see you moving out of your parents house anytime soon, so if you look good, there will be women out there who will over look this. You will have to convince them though you are working and saving up to buy your own place. This will bide you time.

As for the small d-ck issue. What you mean? Small when flaccid or erect? There are women who are over 30 who just want a loving, caring man and won't make a small d-ck a deal breaker. Also, work on technique on how to please a woman without using your d-ck.

If you are still suffering after changing your appearance, then please seek a therapist to help you sort through these issues.

January 19, 2016

You should also change your diet. Fatty foods lead to the man boobs. Eat more fruits and vegetables.

January 19, 2016

I am certainly trying to work on these issues, hence why I am here on the forum hearing what you have to say, and moving forward. I'm not saying I'm completely inept, because I have come a long way indeed.

I do indeed go to the gym 3-4 times a week, and I ride bike heavily during the summer; hence why I am so fit (still blubbery despite my fitness due to thyroid issue). As far as money, I can support my current lifestyle I just can't afford all the extras that life brings, like going out regularly. For my appearance, I elect to go bald now - my hair is lousy and makes me look older. Wardrobe is limited, but not a huge hurdle to fix.

I have had more dates in the last 6 months than I have had in my entire life (albeit, none successful); I asked a girl out at the gym in front of her sister like a sniper - so I know that part is not an issue for me.

I work retail, so I am talking to people all the time...but on a professional level. I even asked out one of my customers too.

I have had a life of rejection, so that is all I know - what I AM AFRAID OF IS SUCCESS. Once I start succeeding, I get lost and don't know what to do with it (i.e. physical escalation, saying the right/wrong stuff, etc....)

I am certainly not ashamed of myself, but a lifetime of bad messages and mis-information requires work to erase. Like girls always saying the like this, or that, or being told that women want a complete man, etc......all this stuff in the wrong combination brings people down, and I am trying to get out of it.

Edited January 19, 2016 by tasev1

January 19, 2016

You should seek counseling to help you overcome these fears. Your job in retail is also a problem. People in retail can be some of the most negative people in the world. How about working in a more positive environment, if possible?

January 19, 2016

It's true, really. A few years ago, I was EXTREMELY happy and positive; always energetic at work (even working in retail, I had strong career aspirations in management) always hanging out with friends, able to afford stuff, and obtaining my Pilot's License - but at that time, I wasn't actively looking for dates. My industry was aviation, but 9/11 had me change career paths (now it is very difficult to get into my industry of passion, because entry level positions would not be sustainable for me).

Now, it is the opposite, where work and money are not good, I am less happy, but wanting to meet someone. Cost of living has gone up, rent has gone up, and the only work I would be truly interested in is financially and medically high risk - not something I can put myself through at this point in life. I have a few work prospects that I am working on with connections in the industry, but they are more for change than more money.

I finally found a friend that is in a similar position as myself, so we are starting the ball rolling by just going out and cold-approaching in daygame. I would do night game, but I am still feeling a bit sexually insecure to see much success there.

Not too long ago, I met a woman who made a big difference in my life. She was not one that would have lasted (and it didn't), but I did have enough of a chance with her via EXTREMELY honest communication to open my eyes to certain ideas and faults of mine that were wrong - and she is the one that really started this whole process. It was an emotional mess, but it was the catalyst I was waiting for to show me what needed to change.

January 19, 2016

What I am working on currently to help myself:

-Studying "How to be a 3% Man" by coach Corey Wayne.

-Reading "The Art of Mingling" by Jeanne Martinet.

-Following Dating coaches on YouTube that use natural pickup and relationship advice, like Stephan Erdman, Hayley Quinn, and Corey Wayne (as well as some day/night game pros for the entertainment and enticement)

-Working harder at the gym than before.

-Working harder at leaving my current job, even if for a small paycut - I no longer see a future where I am now.

-Not being afraid to approach girls, and working on being socially comfortable.

-Trying to (very) slowly rework my circle of friends (this one is always tough, as I have always had very small circles).

-Posting on forums, discussing, and sharing stories helps me get this off my chest so I can move forward with ease.

-Recognizing and learning about WHAT/WHERE I have gone wrong in the past, and figuring out what I can do about it.

The hard part is actually actioning ALL of this and making it happen; not something I'm used to doing.

Just a side note to Truth_Seeker: Retail is what saved me and gave me a chance at this point. Had it not been for that, I would still be the shy, reserved, anti-social kid I was when I grew up. Retail taught me to be more open and communicative.

Now....do you think I still need a psychologist for my fears?

Edited January 19, 2016 by tasev1

January 19, 2016

The best advice I could give you is to change your goals. It seems like your goal is to have a serious relationship, while you're, according to your own saying, still a virgin. That's like saying you want to be the CEO of this and that company without having any form of managerial experience. It's a great ambition, but it's a very unrealistic goal.

Change your goal to something more realistic and manageable. Such as, to go on a date with a woman and have a great time together, and arrange a second date. That is a realistic goal. Then expand it, to having had sex with a woman after having had several dates with her (voluntary sex, chloroform is cheating ). Keep changing your goals, but only AFTER you have met your previous goal. If every time you are going on a date your goal of dating (and thus the goal of that particular date) is to end up in a relationship, you are going to come off desperate. Keep the relationship as an ambition, but not as a goal.

January 20, 2016

The best advice I could give you is to change your goals. It seems like your goal is to have a serious relationship, while you're, according to your own saying, still a virgin. That's like saying you want to be the CEO of this and that company without having any form of managerial experience. It's a great ambition, but it's a very unrealistic goal.
Change your goal to something more realistic and manageable. Such as, to go on a date with a woman and have a great time together, and arrange a second date. That is a realistic goal. Then expand it, to having had sex with a woman after having had several dates with her (voluntary sex, chloroform is cheating ). Keep changing your goals, but only AFTER you have met your previous goal. If every time you are going on a date your goal of dating (and thus the goal of that particular date) is to end up in a relationship, you are going to come off desperate. Keep the relationship as an ambition, but not as a goal.

Indeed, this is exactly the page I am on. Relationship is long term goal, but I know I have to have experience. I would be very prone to wanting to settle down too early, and I know consciously I must be careful of this. Although I feel one thing inside, I am (hopefully) acting anything but desperate when it comes to dating.....when I can actually get one!. (I had a solid one this past weekend, and we both called in sick to each other).

Dates come so rarely for me, and I have never made it past 2 (and that one was just a mess of a woman).

January 20, 2016

Hello, I'm Sacha and new to this forum.

I have not had a lot of success with dating over the years, and I am working hard to change my habits and become better - I have come a long way, and am starting to put stuff into practice, but inexperience for me is a big hurdle that can only be overcome as I find success.

So....how do I deal with this on my date? If I say nothing, I can only fake it so much - girls will tend to see right through me, and I'd never know how. If I say something, she would think me a fool and wonder what's wrong with him and run away.

Just a touch of background: first and only girl I kissed was 12 years ago. First and only time ever getting laid was 5 years ago in Amsterdam's Red Light district (not a great experience; more like getting checked out by a doctor, no involvement with a WTF look on my face), and first date ever was 6 months ago. Even though I have 'officially' lost my virginity, for all intents and purposes I still consider myself a virgin. If I was 24......no big deal, as people would generally understand. THIS YEAR I TURN 35!!!!!!! THAT is my problem!

So no girlfriend yet?

January 20, 2016

1. Weight is 99% food intake quantity and calories. Going to the gym will do very little compared to diet and could give you more of an appetite.

2. Move out of house and get roommates.

3. Can't become your own person and get rid of old beliefs til you have your own life.

The rest isn't important.

Get that in order and then online dates and meetup.com.

January 20, 2016

1. Weight is 99% food intake quantity and calories. Going to the gym will do very little compared to diet and could give you more of an appetite.

Diet will make you look skinny. Gym will make you look muscular and beefy, won't make you lose weight but it will make you lose fat percentage best way to lose fat is to go to the gym and get an appropriate diet.

January 20, 2016

Funny how everyone keeps side stepping the original question......... Yes I need to work on myself, which is what I am doing.

I am still looking for others experience stories in dealing with this early on in dating. Tell, fake, hold off.

.

January 20, 2016

Diet will make you look skinny. Gym will make you look muscular and beefy, won't make you lose weight but it will make you lose fat percentage best way to lose fat is to go to the gym and get an appropriate diet.

Losing weight is much faster and will give a better look quicker. Additionally, it will train the person to eat healthy, which is necessary to look good, keep the weight off, and eat properly whole going to the gym. People get fat from poor eating. If that isn't taken care of, the gym won't matter.

January 20, 2016

Funny how everyone keeps side stepping the original question......... Yes I need to work on myself, which is what I am doing.

I am still looking for others experience stories in dealing with this early on in dating. Tell, fake, hold off.
.

Forget dating for now. You need to work on your health, IMMEDIATELY move out on your own(with roommates), and start a new mental perspective. Doing this all while trying to date would be a waste of time.

January 20, 2016

Your situation is far from ideal but not completely dire.

You need to be doing everything possible to get some sexual experience. Whatever it takes.

Faking isn't easy but you need to learn to do it because inexperience in a man is heavily looked down upon.

I believe practising it will improve your ability. You say you've already had some dating experience and rejections in the last 6 months, keep going with that.

Considering your situation, rejection rate will be high and it's something you just have to trudge through.

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Dealing with inexperience....

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