the_entertainer1 Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 My boyfriend and I met six months ago, and became "official" about 4 months ago. He's a really great guy and believes in treating women with respect. I love that he's kinda old-fashioned in that he opens doors for me, buys me flowers, etc. I really like spending time with him. The thing is, we haven't really had any "alone time" together. We haven't really even talked about sex. He's different to other guys I've dated, in that he hasn't really pushed the issue at all. I'm really bad at talking about this stuff, and I guess he's not great at it either. I haven't told him I'm a virgin and I'm not sure if he's figured it out. I don't know anything about his dating/sexual history (I'm not sure if it matters a whole lot, unless it's very extensive - but if it were, I think it would have come up by now!). So for all I know, he could be a virgin too! The only time we've talked about sex was when I was telling him about sex ed classes at the school where I work. We were out at a coffee shop and when there was a gap in the conversation he said something like "I know we haven't really talked about sex, and that it's kind of awkward to talk about but just so you know, I'm happy to wait." I should have elaborated then but got too awkward and kinda just changed the topic. The other time was a couple of months later when I had the house to myself and invited him over for pizza and a movie. I thought it would be a good opportunity for some more physicality but things didn't progress past 2nd base on the couch. So the first issue is that I (or perhaps we) find it difficult to talk about. The second issue is the lack of an available space for more intimacy. We're both 26 and live with our parents. He owns a place and lived there for a while, but didn't like living alone so moved back home and rents his house out. I'm saving to buy my own place so still live with my parents too. My parents (and I think his too) are fairly conservative so I haven't even considered asking them if he can stay over. So ... in a nutshell: I just want to be able to talk about sex with him. I don't know how to raise the issue. I wouldn't mind a bit more physical intimacy either, even if it's not penetrative sex just yet. And, as for the setting for said physical intimacy - other than a hotel room and the car, I'm out of ideas. Any advice?
smudge21 Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 So two people who are clearly in to each other and both uneasy about taking it further or even discussing the subject. It's kinda' sweet in some ways considering how many people just jump into sex these days. You are right, the alone time thing is a big deal as having that style of conversation isn't going to be possible at the dinner table with the folks. You need to find that time, even if it is a weekend away, nice hotel, romantic. It does sound like you are both happy to just carry on and see where things go, so don't rush it unless you both feel it. You should though feel comfortable to discuss this with him and that comes with trust, which I reckon you both have. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 (edited) My boyfriend and I met six months ago, and became "official" about 4 months ago. He's a really great guy and believes in treating women with respect. I love that he's kinda old-fashioned in that he opens doors for me, buys me flowers, etc. I really like spending time with him. The thing is, we haven't really had any "alone time" together. We haven't really even talked about sex. He's different to other guys I've dated, in that he hasn't really pushed the issue at all. I'm really bad at talking about this stuff, and I guess he's not great at it either. I haven't told him I'm a virgin and I'm not sure if he's figured it out. I don't know anything about his dating/sexual history (I'm not sure if it matters a whole lot, unless it's very extensive - but if it were, I think it would have come up by now!). So for all I know, he could be a virgin too! The only time we've talked about sex was when I was telling him about sex ed classes at the school where I work. We were out at a coffee shop and when there was a gap in the conversation he said something like "I know we haven't really talked about sex, and that it's kind of awkward to talk about but just so you know, I'm happy to wait." I should have elaborated then but got too awkward and kinda just changed the topic. The other time was a couple of months later when I had the house to myself and invited him over for pizza and a movie. I thought it would be a good opportunity for some more physicality but things didn't progress past 2nd base on the couch. So the first issue is that I (or perhaps we) find it difficult to talk about. The second issue is the lack of an available space for more intimacy. We're both 26 and live with our parents. He owns a place and lived there for a while, but didn't like living alone so moved back home and rents his house out. I'm saving to buy my own place so still live with my parents too. My parents (and I think his too) are fairly conservative so I haven't even considered asking them if he can stay over. So ... in a nutshell: I just want to be able to talk about sex with him. I don't know how to raise the issue. I wouldn't mind a bit more physical intimacy either, even if it's not penetrative sex just yet. And, as for the setting for said physical intimacy - other than a hotel room and the car, I'm out of ideas. Any advice? First of, if you are dating, you need to be an adult and be able to address issues head on and communicate effectively. He gave you the opportunity to express yourself regarding sex, he was comfortable enough and adult enough to bring it up, you should have taken that cue and followed suit. Are you going to shy away from every conversation that might be awkward or uncomfortable? Communicate. I guess he's not great at it either. -- even if that's true, he was able to push aside his shyness/awkwardness about it to bring it up. Since he has already "gone" there, it's definitely ok for you to say something like "I've been enjoying the time spent with you and I'm not interested in dating anyone else now. We touched on the subject of sex a little while ago and this is how I feel about that now (and then explain your position). Edited January 15, 2016 by Redhead14 1
Blanco Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 I believe the second half of the thread title is "makes Jack a dull boy." 3
MightyQuinn Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 I am sort of in a similar situation with my Guy. Yesterday was actually the 10 month anniversary of our first date, and we haven't really had sex. I say not really, because one night we got a little tipsy and started things, but it was short lived and neither of us finished. He is also a great guy who treats women with respect and is a bit old fashioned. He was OK with waiting. And when we met, I had just gotten out of a marriage and was in the process of divorce. I didn't want to screw things up or rebound, so I was more than OK with waiting, too. So we waited and dated. I think we've determined this is a great relationship with compatibility and chemistry. He checks off all but one thing on my list, and checked off more things that weren't even on the list, that I didn't think it was possible to find in a partner. That one thing that he doesn't check off, though, is that we don't have sex. After thinking about things, and talking things through with him (just this week, actually - Tuesday), I've discovered that he has several health problems that could be the culprit. I had already known he had sleep apnea, which strangely enough can cause low sex drive and ED in men. I think he also has depression, which can crater your sex drive and cause ED in men. There's possibly a 3rd thing that could be causing him to be physically unable, but he didn't seem sure about it and he wouldn't even tell me what it was, except that it was something congenital. Whatever it was, he seemed to have been quite sexually active in the past, so I don't know how much of an impediment it really is. Now I'm not sure what to do or where we're going. I want him to see a doctor, but I can't force him to go. I could seriously see spending the rest of my life with him. I would even be satisfied if, like you said, it was other forms of intimacy besides penatrative sex. I guess what I'm saying is... There could be other reasons why you haven't had sex and why he hasn't really tried to move that part of the relationship forward. He could be depressed and have no drive. He could have ED - sexual dysfunction is hard for a man. He might not be ready, willing or able to talk about whatever reason you're not having sex. It took 10 months of dating for New Guy to tell me he might not be able to do the deed. If that's the case, you might have some sorting out to do. I know I have been trying to sort my feelings out. On the one hand, I love him and if there is truly a verified medical reason why he can't perform, there are anti-depressants and erectile medications available and if they don't work, there are other ways to have fun and be intimate. On the other, if he can't even do something as simple as go to the doctor to find out for sure one way or another, then I have to think it's a psychological reason why, wonder how much he cares about himself and question how much he is truly invested in this relationship. He has been hurt BAD in the past, and I could see him using this as a barrier to protect himself, and an excuse to keep me on the outside looking in. He's "thinking about" going to the doctor but hasn't said yes, or made an appointment, so I'm giving him time - for now. It's got to feel embarrassing to admit he can't perform. I really want him to at last try to see what's wrong. While I'm giving him time, I'm also trying to figure out how to react to whichever choice he makes. Honestly, I don't see a way to move forward if he refuses to go to the doctor, because that means he isn't even trying to see if it can get fixed, which is much worse to me than knowing it can't be fixed. Anyway... Sorry for my rambling, as you can see I'm really trying to sort out my feelings. I saw your message and could identify with it, and thought I'd share my experience. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.
Redhead14 Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 I am sort of in a similar situation with my Guy. Yesterday was actually the 10 month anniversary of our first date, and we haven't really had sex. I say not really, because one night we got a little tipsy and started things, but it was short lived and neither of us finished. He is also a great guy who treats women with respect and is a bit old fashioned. He was OK with waiting. And when we met, I had just gotten out of a marriage and was in the process of divorce. I didn't want to screw things up or rebound, so I was more than OK with waiting, too. So we waited and dated. I think we've determined this is a great relationship with compatibility and chemistry. He checks off all but one thing on my list, and checked off more things that weren't even on the list, that I didn't think it was possible to find in a partner. That one thing that he doesn't check off, though, is that we don't have sex. After thinking about things, and talking things through with him (just this week, actually - Tuesday), I've discovered that he has several health problems that could be the culprit. I had already known he had sleep apnea, which strangely enough can cause low sex drive and ED in men. I think he also has depression, which can crater your sex drive and cause ED in men. There's possibly a 3rd thing that could be causing him to be physically unable, but he didn't seem sure about it and he wouldn't even tell me what it was, except that it was something congenital. Whatever it was, he seemed to have been quite sexually active in the past, so I don't know how much of an impediment it really is. Now I'm not sure what to do or where we're going. I want him to see a doctor, but I can't force him to go. I could seriously see spending the rest of my life with him. I would even be satisfied if, like you said, it was other forms of intimacy besides penatrative sex. I guess what I'm saying is... There could be other reasons why you haven't had sex and why he hasn't really tried to move that part of the relationship forward. He could be depressed and have no drive. He could have ED - sexual dysfunction is hard for a man. He might not be ready, willing or able to talk about whatever reason you're not having sex. It took 10 months of dating for New Guy to tell me he might not be able to do the deed. If that's the case, you might have some sorting out to do. I know I have been trying to sort my feelings out. On the one hand, I love him and if there is truly a verified medical reason why he can't perform, there are anti-depressants and erectile medications available and if they don't work, there are other ways to have fun and be intimate. On the other, if he can't even do something as simple as go to the doctor to find out for sure one way or another, then I have to think it's a psychological reason why, wonder how much he cares about himself and question how much he is truly invested in this relationship. He has been hurt BAD in the past, and I could see him using this as a barrier to protect himself, and an excuse to keep me on the outside looking in. He's "thinking about" going to the doctor but hasn't said yes, or made an appointment, so I'm giving him time - for now. It's got to feel embarrassing to admit he can't perform. I really want him to at last try to see what's wrong. While I'm giving him time, I'm also trying to figure out how to react to whichever choice he makes. Honestly, I don't see a way to move forward if he refuses to go to the doctor, because that means he isn't even trying to see if it can get fixed, which is much worse to me than knowing it can't be fixed. Anyway... Sorry for my rambling, as you can see I'm really trying to sort out my feelings. I saw your message and could identify with it, and thought I'd share my experience. Good luck and I hope things work out for you. All you can do is tell him that intimacy is important to you in a relationship and that you understand that there are some physical and emotional issues for him that are likely causing him to have difficulties. Ask him if he is willing to put serious effort into identifying the cause(s) and working to resolve them at least. And, if he says yes, give him a little time to make and demonstrate the effort. If he says yes and doesn't do that in a reasonable time frame, you tell him you're moving on. If he says, no, he doesn't want to investigate or try, you tell him you're moving on. The fact is that this issue will become a big problem down the road. No matter how understanding or patient you think you are or can be, resentment and insecurity will take over at some point. Sex isn't everything, it's true, however, lack of effort/resolve/desire to work on any problem in a relationship is a very big deal.
preraph Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 Hey could be gay or have sexual fears or erectile dysfunction or anything. I had a guy who considered himself my boyfriend for 4 long years who I knew was gay from Day 1, but he wasn't going to face it as long as he had me for a beard. He had fear about everything sexual, had nightmares about going to hell, etc. I met his mom and can't for the life of me figure out what happened, but his brother was weird too, so something was going on. All he wanted was backrubs -- and his mom always gave him backrubs --creepy. He was gay and he wasn't in any hurry to go to hell for it. Just sayin'. And yes a gay guy can get a boner from a female (because you don't know who they're thinking about). He sounds fearful. You might be a good match, I don't know, since you have this living with the parents thing going, but here is my very best advice: Both of you separately need to move out of the parents' homes and work and rent a place to live either by yourself (preferably) or with a same-sex roommate, because until you move out of your mom's house, you are still children who are being taken care of and you don't know who you are as adults yet. That takes moving out and being on your own to accomplish, and until you do, you do not have a solid foundation to find the right mate. 1
MightyQuinn Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 Sex isn't everything, it's true, however, lack of effort/resolve/desire to work on any problem in a relationship is a very big deal. THIS. This is exactly where I'm at. The sex issue on its own isn't a dealbreaker to me, it's the potential for the lack of effort to even try to address the problem. If he can't make the effort to see if there is a way to resolve this issue, I wonder how much effort he would put in to tackling other issues down the road. All you can do is tell him that intimacy is important to you in a relationship and that you understand that there are some physical and emotional issues for him that are likely causing him to have difficulties. Ask him if he is willing to put serious effort into identifying the cause(s) and working to resolve them at least. And, if he says yes, give him a little time to make and demonstrate the effort. If he says yes and doesn't do that in a reasonable time frame, you tell him you're moving on. If he says, no, he doesn't want to investigate or try, you tell him you're moving on. That is exactly where I'm headed, and those are the exact three options and scenarios I've been thinking of. If he says yes and demonstrates an effort, that would be enough for me to at least continue moving forward. If he makes no effort (whether he says yes he'll try then doesn't, or no, he's cool with things as they are), then he really isn't the type of person I can rely on, and build a life with. And just typing that sentence crushes my heart, but it's a possibility that I'll have to face Thanks for the response.
thejabberwocky Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 Honestly, if he doesn't want to have sex with you, it doesn't sound like he's that into you. Maybe he's a virgin? Is he waiting until marriage? These are things you should feel comfortable discussing with someone you consider your boyfriend! You have to talk to him about this, as intimacy is a very important part of relationships and you need to be on the same page.
brothers343 Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 All woman need the love muscle. Many woman say that they can do with out it but the honest truth is that they can't. Plus sex is part and maybe one of the most important parts of a relationship. Yes...communication is the most essential part but sex is the most flavorable part. Lol
Buddhist Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 So the first issue is that I (or perhaps we) find it difficult to talk about. The second issue is the lack of an available space for more intimacy. We're both 26 and live with our parents. He owns a place and lived there for a while, but didn't like living alone so moved back home and rents his house out. I'm saving to buy my own place so still live with my parents too. My parents (and I think his too) are fairly conservative so I haven't even considered asking them if he can stay over. So ... in a nutshell: I just want to be able to talk about sex with him. I don't know how to raise the issue. I wouldn't mind a bit more physical intimacy either, even if it's not penetrative sex just yet. And, as for the setting for said physical intimacy - other than a hotel room and the car, I'm out of ideas. Any advice? Firstly sex doesn't need to be talked about. It's normal for it to progress naturally as a consequence of spending time together. I've never had a sex discussion with any partner ever! It's just occurred. The longest a guy ever took to have sex with me was 2 months, and that was because he was bisexual and had never been with a woman before. So yeah first time nerves were taking over but once I started it, he was off like a rocket. It is a concern that this guy didn't even try and take things further when he had the chance. Now a 26yr old guy who owns his own house and prefers to live with mum and dad? Yeah that doesn't look good, especially since he has a gf that he'd 'supposedly' like to spend time with. I'm feeling something is off here. My gut reaction here is that he may well be gay or bisexual. Many a gay man has shacked up with a woman before for various reasons. It's a common occurrence, I wouldn't write it off completely. It's also really common for women to adore their gay boyfriends but feel frustrated sexually. That's all I've got for this story. I could be wrong but it's what's immediately springing to mind here. 1
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Honestly, if he doesn't want to have sex with you, it doesn't sound like he's that into you. Maybe he's a virgin? Is he waiting until marriage? These are things you should feel comfortable discussing with someone you consider your boyfriend! You have to talk to him about this, as intimacy is a very important part of relationships and you need to be on the same page. I'm pretty sure it's not that he doesn't want to - I think that I might subconsciously be acting a little closed off, which might be discouraging him from pressing the issue. I agree that we need to talk about it and that we should be on the same page, but how exactly should I raise the issue? Literally, give me a scenario?! Please? Lol.
smackie9 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 My gut says this guy is a virgin. There are guys out there that can't get themselves to do the deed......it's sexual anxiety and it's very real. My advise is when you are making out, that is the time to be the aggressor and take the lead. Even if he hesitates, touch the penis and make him want it. Once he gets over that hump, he will blossom into a man. 1
Sunyata Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 My gut says this guy is a virgin. There are guys out there that can't get themselves to do the deed......it's sexual anxiety and it's very real. My advise is when you are making out, that is the time to be the aggressor and take the lead. Even if he hesitates, touch the penis and make him want it. Once he gets over that hump, he will blossom into a man. I think you're 100% right, you seem to get this stuff. He probably wants it but is too scared to put the moves on or even suggest it, having some illusions about females and maybe feeling it wrong to pressure her? (I have this problem) In any case, I had sex but my ex was so weird in a lot of ways it didn't get me over the hump. Next girl will, but getting older (30 now) and starting to get scared.
IronZ Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Why does it sound like I'm reading about teenagers in high school? I fully appreciate the conundrum you are both in with not having your own space, but why is this such a taboo? You're both in your late 20s. You're grown adults. Go on a romantic weekend getaway like others have suggested. I hear skiing is lovely this time of year. Go up to a cabin/hotel in the mountains. Very romantic.
thejabberwocky Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I'm pretty sure it's not that he doesn't want to - I think that I might subconsciously be acting a little closed off, which might be discouraging him from pressing the issue. I agree that we need to talk about it and that we should be on the same page, but how exactly should I raise the issue? Literally, give me a scenario?! Please? Lol. Literally say, "So I want to talk to you about something. We've been together for a while now and you've never initiated or seem that interested in sex. Is there something wrong? Are you waiting until marriage? etc." These are things that need to be discussed, so don't feel embarrassed! If you aren't mature enough to talk about sex, you shouldn't be having it.
IronZ Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 ^ You could do it that way.. or just let things happen naturally by making a move. Of course this requires alone time away from prying eyes. That's a bit of a doozie since you don't have your own place. Try to think outside the box in this scenario. Idk what else to tell ya.
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