4th breakup in 8 years - WHAT IS THIS!! FUTURE FAKED.

[LetGGOO]

Here to share my ridiculous story...Oh man...

 

HISTORY:

We started dating 8/9 years ago, both in our early twenties. Everything was great, a few months in, I had to move to another country so we did long distance for a few years. We were both convinced that we were meant for each other so we pushed through and made it, then we moved in together, apart from the normal challenges of living with someone for the first time everything went very well. We were happy. A few months in, he proposed, I said YES. Best time ever. We decided we both wanted to go back to school, so we put the marriage on hold and then moved to another country for our post-grad degrees.

 

A couple of months into school, he started acting up, coming back home the next day, insane partying, not showing up for dates, we started fighting a lot, then I took off the ring and told him I can see his heart isn't in the same place. Stayed together though...a few more months after, our first breakup hit. We were fighting a lot, over things I can't even remember, i took a break and visited a friend in another city, then he called me whilst i was there and said he's done. I was crushed that he didn't want to work through it after all those years. He came back 2 or so weeks later begging and begging, i considered it, but eventually saw he wasn't serious and so we were then apart for 2.5yrs.

 

We reconnected when I moved back to the city where we initially met. We started dating again, it was fun, we felt 'that bond' and thought we should give it a go. So we did. (Important detail: during the 2.5 yr break, he married the girl he started dating after our break up, and then they separated 6months before him and I reconnected. During their marriage, he was emailing me the whole time about how he wants me and misses me) Anyway, A couple of months in after reconnecting, he says he doesn't know what he wants and breaks up with me - out of the blue. Once again, crushed. I reached out to him a few months later to check on him, he said wanted me back. What do I do, I take him back and think it will work better this time. A few more months in, BOOOOM! He cheats on me twice in a space of month or so, the second time with a new friend of mine I had considered at the time one of my closest friends. Me, crushed, devastated.

 

He comes back 2 weeks later, begging and begging, saying it's the biggest mistake of his life and he couldn't believe it. He seemed SOOOOO sincere guys, I saw the guy I met all those years ago creeping in, the guy I fell in love with. We went to therapy etc etc. He said he would wait however many years for me to be okay again given the infidelity. Months later (a week ago from today), we are ready to take the next step and move in together, apartment paid for, everything, but guess what, BOOM! He says he's not ready to lose his independence, can we rather get separate places. I say EFF it, if you're not ready to take this step after all this time and the work we put in, let's end everything and let each other go for real this time. He agrees. Then tells me, actually he has realized that maybe I love him more than he loves me, and that every time we get back together he thinks it's gna be great (hence why he begs for me) but that there is something that's always missing!

 

Okay WTFFFFFF?!? Biggest Mind ***!

(sorry for the length of the post)

[PegNosePete]

Oh my goodness. Sorry to say but you invited all of this drama into your life by taking him back. Not once, not twice, but 3 times! What on earth were you thinking!

 

Now you need to cut him off for good, and move on with your life.

[LetGGOO]

Oh my goodness. Sorry to say but you invited all of this drama into your life by taking him back. Not once, not twice, but 3 times! What on earth were you thinking!

 

Now you need to cut him off for good, and move on with your life.

 

I hear you. When you love someone and think you know them so well because you spent so many years together, you tend to make reference to the good moments and that was the blunder. I used my heart to make decisions all those years "oh it feels right" and "oh he is really genuine this time" but I think logic is the way to go going forward, it has hurt way too much. At the same time I hope logic won't be my demise. Bleeh

[Toodaloo]

I say EFF it,

 

So do I.

 

You have wasted enough time on this one - don't bother wasting any more.

 

Just walk away.

[Thistooshallpass21]

Here to share my ridiculous story...Oh man...

 

HISTORY:

We started dating 8/9 years ago, both in our early twenties. Everything was great, a few months in, I had to move to another country so we did long distance for a few years. We were both convinced that we were meant for each other so we pushed through and made it, then we moved in together, apart from the normal challenges of living with someone for the first time everything went very well. We were happy. A few months in, he proposed, I said YES. Best time ever. We decided we both wanted to go back to school, so we put the marriage on hold and then moved to another country for our post-grad degrees.

 

A couple of months into school, he started acting up, coming back home the next day, insane partying, not showing up for dates, we started fighting a lot, then I took off the ring and told him I can see his heart isn't in the same place. Stayed together though...a few more months after, our first breakup hit. We were fighting a lot, over things I can't even remember, i took a break and visited a friend in another city, then he called me whilst i was there and said he's done. I was crushed that he didn't want to work through it after all those years. He came back 2 or so weeks later begging and begging, i considered it, but eventually saw he wasn't serious and so we were then apart for 2.5yrs.

 

We reconnected when I moved back to the city where we initially met. We started dating again, it was fun, we felt 'that bond' and thought we should give it a go. So we did. (Important detail: during the 2.5 yr break, he married the girl he started dating after our break up, and then they separated 6months before him and I reconnected. During their marriage, he was emailing me the whole time about how he wants me and misses me) Anyway, A couple of months in after reconnecting, he says he doesn't know what he wants and breaks up with me - out of the blue. Once again, crushed. I reached out to him a few months later to check on him, he said wanted me back. What do I do, I take him back and think it will work better this time. A few more months in, BOOOOM! He cheats on me twice in a space of month or so, the second time with a new friend of mine I had considered at the time one of my closest friends. Me, crushed, devastated.

 

He comes back 2 weeks later, begging and begging, saying it's the biggest mistake of his life and he couldn't believe it. He seemed SOOOOO sincere guys, I saw the guy I met all those years ago creeping in, the guy I fell in love with. We went to therapy etc etc. He said he would wait however many years for me to be okay again given the infidelity. Months later (a week ago from today), we are ready to take the next step and move in together, apartment paid for, everything, but guess what, BOOM! He says he's not ready to lose his independence, can we rather get separate places. I say EFF it, if you're not ready to take this step after all this time and the work we put in, let's end everything and let each other go for real this time. He agrees. Then tells me, actually he has realized that maybe I love him more than he loves me, and that every time we get back together he thinks it's gna be great (hence why he begs for me) but that there is something that's always missing!

 

Okay WTFFFFFF?!? Biggest Mind ***!

(sorry for the length of the post)

 

All that can be said about this whole situation is fuuuuuck that. You deserve so much better for being so patient and loving. You do not want someone whose going to be playing these games with you. Remember this for the future, if you feel like your being played, you're probably being played. Good luck with your battle with heart break we are all routing for you and are here for you.

[xxoo]

Did your gut really tell you it was a good idea to trust him time and time again? Or did you ignore your gut?

[LetGGOO]

All that can be said about this whole situation is fuuuuuck that. You deserve so much better for being so patient and loving. You do not want someone whose going to be playing these games with you. Remember this for the future, if you feel like your being played, you're probably being played. Good luck with your battle with heart break we are all routing for you and are here for you.

 

Thank you. I'm glad I shared the story. I realize more now than ever how much I deserve better. My brain got so skewed to the happy times that I kept accepting the BS over and over. But no more. I know it's going to be a hard road - because this IS really the end, but in a weird way, because I have gone through similar heartache with his past BS, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I appreciate your words.

[LetGGOO]

Did your gut really tell you it was a good idea to trust him time and time again? Or did you ignore your gut?

 

I have recently questioned whether I really was following my gut. To be honest, the first break up, my gut said no. Hence the 2.5 year break. When we got back together after that, it felt right, then shortly after I could see the relationship or him rather, just slipping away, and then it would hit me "you've got to get out", but I would somehow find ways to justify the doubt. The time he begged for me after cheating on me with my (ex)close friend, my gut said to trust him. That I remember very well because I was sooooo weary of taking him back, I kept making it a point to listen to gut to make sure I'm making the right decision. I absolutely thought it was the end of the heartache and we were on the road back to good old days...but...apparently not...He was just saying/doing what he had to in order to get his one foot in the door once again...for whatever effed up reason.

 

Even today, the way he was so genuine that time, makes me think he's bipolar (not being offensive or anything) because it soooo believable. SIGH.

[Downtown]

Even today, the way he was so genuine that time, makes me think he's bipolar (not being offensive or anything) because it soooo believable.

Another possibility, LetGo, is that he has strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). BPDers generally are "soooo believable" -- as you say -- because they generally sincerely believe the outrageous statements coming out of their mouths. Then, a week later when their mood has changed, it is common to hear them saying the exact opposite -- and they genuinely believe that nonsense too. This strange behavior occurs because BPDers frequently experience feelings so intense that those feelings distort their perceptions of your intentions and motivations.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you decide whether your situation is sufficiently serious to warrant spending money on professional guidance -- and may help you avoid taking your exBF back or running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, LetGo.

[five2nine]

He sounds like a commitmentphobe and an unpleasant nightmare. I don't know how you lived through it. At least it is over now and hopefully you've learned some things after being with that time-waster.

 

If a guy leaves don't let him come back, especially not twice! Don't talk to him anymore either! Block him, change numbers, stop torturing yourself.

[LetGGOO]

Another possibility, LetGo, is that he has strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). BPDers generally are "soooo believable" -- as you say -- because they generally sincerely believe the outrageous statements coming out of their mouths. Then, a week later when their mood has changed, it is common to hear them saying the exact opposite -- and they genuinely believe that nonsense too. This strange behavior occurs because BPDers frequently experience feelings so intense that those feelings distort their perceptions of your intentions and motivations.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you decide whether your situation is sufficiently serious to warrant spending money on professional guidance -- and may help you avoid taking your exBF back or running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, LetGo.

 

Wow. I read through the descriptions and you know, it's not the first time I look at the traits of BPD and wonder if it's him. When I look at your descriptions they are 85% spot on. I can relate so much to that thread it's scary. Looking back at everything, it makes perfect sense. Not to mention, the couple's therapy we went to, she mentioned that she isn't diagnosing him but that it seems he has "bipolar tendencies", she just never placed too much emphasis on it so we didn't take it as seriously. She gave us a few techniques on how to deal with arguments etc, but in the moment, they just escalated as usual over nothing, he wouldn't really use the strategies we got...Altogether, the explanations you gave for the lady in that thread, is HIM. Scary.

[LetGGOO]

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you decide whether your situation is sufficiently serious to warrant spending money on professional guidance -- and may help you avoid taking your exBF back or running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, LetGo.

 

I've just found more of your explanations in those threads that I find insightful and will read shortly, otherwise here are some of the signs that I have seen:

 

1. When he was good, he was VERY good. Above and beyond expectation. Sweetest man in the world. It lasted a few months at a time. Then there will be moments when he would just switch and be the complete opposite. I remember countless conversations we had about his bad language and rudeness. To a point where I'd be like, do you realize you are still talking to me? The person you love? It was a serious switch that always left me baffled. In arguments, I would literally just let him go on that tantrum until a couple of hours later where he will come back and slowly start to showcase 'normal' behavior.

2. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. He got ticked off pretty easy and could be about anything really

3. People around him were always categorized in extremes. Making best friends over night who really didn't have his best interests at heart. He literally 'falls in love' with various individuals (in the friendship sense), but these friendships also ended very abruptly over something that was said etc. Very believable reasons he would give though...

4. Substance abuse - at one point we had a huge issue with alcohol. He even at one point attended a couple of AA sessions. Ever since a drinking binge that ended very badly where he was hugely disappointed with himself, he stopped drinking - this is a couple of months ago, to my knowledge he hasn't had a drink since. I thought this was very good and would stop a lot of our fights, but it clearly wasn't the alcohol itself that was the problem.

5. From our conversations and reflections, we had classified him as a 'runner', in that when things get tough, instead of "dealing", he would rather not, he would rather just exit the situation. He agreed with this analysis and said it's definitely him. From reading your explanations in other threads Downtown, I think this is those moments of feeling "engulfed'.

6. When these moments creep in, he would slowly start to push me away in a very slick way. I later would be very good at spotting what he was doing. Unnecessary arguments, devaluing me, intense rudeness followed by, how can you be around me whilst I'm being this rude, hahah. To me, it was, "oh gosh he's acting up it'll be over soon"...but most of the time no matter my realization that he was pushing me away for no reason and making him aware of it, it didn't change anything, and always ended in a breakup.

7. When he is in his highs, he shows remorse and apologizes for his mistakes etc, but when he starts to push away, and when he is in that phase where I'm no longer as important or important at all, he doesn't acknowledge at all the mess he has brought us in, where we made life plans and then dumping them at the last minute. This most recent breakup - a week ago, he hasn't apologized for the position he put me in where I now have to find another apartment last minute.

8. I also found out that he has been talking to my ex-friend, the one he cheated on me with, about what, I have no clue. But the mere disrespect here has got me dumb-founded and extremely hurt.

9. After some reflection I think I may have been codependent, when things got bad, I did want to leave, but could never bring myself to, I felt bad, thought we could work it out, loved him too much, thought he would snap out of it, kept saying "this isnt you"...scary. I have a lot of work to do on myself, that's for sure, where to start though?!?! Leaving and focusing on me first i guess...

 

After reading that thread I could go on and on really... I'm really interested in these childhood wounds that we seem to have that are making us act out as our young selves and not adult selves...I have more learning to do about that.

 

In any case, I'm very ready to move on and I guarantee myself that this is the end of the road. It has to be, there is a better life waiting for me ahead. I do hope he heals from the wounds that are making him act in this way.

[LetGGOO]

As I'm reading more and more on the subject. It's getting even more real. I'm starting to see where his intense fear of abandonment could have stemmed from (going to boarding school from 7yrs old...). I'm starting to see how the toxic relationship was due to both of us, with my part being less obvious but definitely present. I can see my extreme caretaker behavior, how I enabled his behavior and lowered my boundaries therefore allowing him to continue to use his childhood coping mechanisms.

 

I'm not angry though, I'm feeling really sad for him. I know I have a lot to work on but at least I know I'll be okay. I just can't help to feel really sad that he may not be able to rid off his ways. I've learned that some BPDers are more self-aware than others, I have a feeling he's a bit more self-aware. For example, he would say he can feel there is something wrong with his inconsistency/mind, our last reconciliation he was so determined to be consistent, not because I told him to be, but because he really wanted it for himself it seemed. He even said some days ago, that "maybe what the therapist said about bipolar tendencies is true", granted I thought at the time, it's a way for him to push me away but maybe that was it. He even said, "i don't know whether I feel all this or if I'm saying it to just push you away".

 

Inasmuch as he did play victim and I ended up feeling crazy at times, there are moments where I could really see his pain and confusion. I would urge him to meditate etc (me always trying to help - gosh), but he just never got around to. He is very intelligent, very smart, and I would always question, how could someone so career smart not be able to manage his personal life!

 

His mother also added to my codependence, her and I are very close. This last breakup when I could feel him slipping -and I just wanted to break away from the RS, I reached out to her and she was adamant on making us work because she believed in us so much. She would keep saying she doesn't know what is wrong with him but that we need to protect him and stay around him because if he does go out and we leave him alone "other girls won't care and will take advantage of him", things like that. Sounds dysfunctional just reading it.

 

My caregiver self inside is saying "I wonder how he will find his way?"..."Should I tell his mother about this discovery of possible BDP?" that way I can move on knowing someone is looking out for him. I know, EFFD up how I still think like this right. But it's okay, at least now I'm more aware of my thinking and feelings, and I can seek to understand them rather than act them out. I must say though, I'm glad he pulled the plug because I probably would have still been in there fighting for nothing. Really looking forward to learning more about myself.

[xxoo]

It sounds like your gut gave you signs along the way, which is a GOOD thing. Yes, he's a skilled manipulator and convincing, but you knew it wasn't right deep down.

 

Fakers gonna fake. I don't mean to be glib at all, but to point out that there is no way to prevent running into another faker. It is 100% about trusting your own good judgment and taking good care of yourself. Don't "future fake" yourself, no matter what the guy tries to pull.

 

The best news is that you never have to go through this again. Ever. It is completely in your control to avoid it.

[Downtown]

The couple's therapy we went to, she mentioned that she isn't diagnosing him but that it seems he has "bipolar tendencies."

LetGo, perhaps she is correct about him having bipolar. The warning signs you describe here, however, are those for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), not bipolar. Moreover, therapists have difficulty distinguishing between these two disorders in a 50-minute meeting held every week or two because it may take them two years to witness the dysfunctional behaviors you see all week long. It therefore is common for BPD to be misdiagnosed as "bipolar."

 

I mention this distinction because, whereas bipolar arises from a body chemistry change that usually can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is very difficult to treat and medications will not make a dent in it. BPD is believed to arise from a lack of emotional maturity. The result is that there are important differences in the warning signs (i.e., symptoms) for these two disorders. If you're interested, I describe twelve differences between BP and BPD in my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW).

 

I felt like I was walking on eggshells.

This complaint is so universal among the abused partners of BPDers that the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to those abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Substance abuse - at one point we had a huge issue with alcohol.

If he is a BPDer, this is to be expected. One of the nine defining traits for BPD (i.e., symptoms used in defining this behavior) is the lack of impulse control. This is why a study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 71% of male BPDers have an alcohol abuse disorder. Moreover, when you include other drugs, that figure rises to 81% for "substance abuse disorder." See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

I've learned that some BPDers are more self-aware than others, I have a feeling he's a bit more self-aware.

There are no available statistics on the incidence of self awareness among BPDers because no randomized studies have yet been done (that I know of). My guess is that about 5% of BPDers are very self aware. By itself, however, self awareness is no guarantee the BPDer will get better. It also is essential that the BPDer have sufficient ego strength to do the hard work -- and remain in therapy long enough -- to make a real difference.

 

Based on my experience, I would guess that no more than 1% of BPDers have the self awareness and ego strength needed to do that. Shari Schreiber is far more pessimistic. She tells abused partners that they have a better chance of riding to moon strapped to a banana than ever seeing a BPDer stay in therapy long enough to make a real difference.

 

I must say though, I'm glad he pulled the plug because I probably would have still been in there fighting for nothing.

Likewise, I likely would still be married to my abusive exW if she had not had me thrown into jail on a bogus charge and then filed a R/O barring me from coming back to my own home for 18 months. Walking away from a BPDer is extremely painful for caregivers like us. BPDers have a purity of expression and a warmth and exuberance that otherwise is seen only in young children. Hence, trying to leave them seems -- to our way of thinking -- to be the equivalent of abandoning a young child. It is very VERY painful to accomplish -- even when that is exactly what we should be doing.

 

I'm not angry though, I'm feeling really sad for him.

You should be angry. Even if your exBF does have full-blown BPD, it does not give him a free pass to abuse his loved ones. It therefore is important, for his welfare as well as your own, that he be held fully accountable for his bad behaviors.

 

I therefore suggest you hold on to your anger for another six months or a year. With excessive caregivers like us, our righteous anger usually is the only thing that allows us to walk away. This means it is important to use that anger like a crutch that enables you to walk away and then, a year or so later, kick that crutch aside when you no longer need it.

 

I mention the importance of anger because, for us caregivers, the notion of walking away from a sick loved one is anathema. Hence, our best chance of doing it is (a) to recognize that our enabling behavior is harming, not helping, that BPDer and (b) to hold on to our anger until we are safely away.

 

I have a lot of work to do on myself, that's for sure, where to start though?!?! Leaving and focusing on me first i guess...

I agree. Leaving and focusing on healing yourself. Toward that end, I suggest you read Shari Schreiber's Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved?. I do not like Shcreiber's description of BPDers (because she confuses them with narcissists and sociopaths) but I do like her insightful blog article about excessive caregivers like you and me.

[LetGGOO]

LetGo, perhaps she is correct about him having bipolar. The warning signs you describe here, however, are those for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), not bipolar. Moreover, therapists have difficulty distinguishing between these two disorders in a 50-minute meeting held every week or two because it may take them two years to witness the dysfunctional behaviors you see all week long. It therefore is common for BPD to be misdiagnosed as "bipolar."

 

I mention this distinction because, whereas bipolar arises from a body chemistry change that usually can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is very difficult to treat and medications will not make a dent in it. BPD is believed to arise from a lack of emotional maturity. The result is that there are important differences in the warning signs (i.e., symptoms) for these two disorders. If you're interested, I describe twelve differences between BP and BPD in my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW).

 

Absolutely. Thanks, there is a clear distinction between the two now and I can see that it is BPD. Thanks for your comments on everything. They have brought me a lot of insight.

 

I hear you say anger is best but surprisingly I'm not at the moment. I don't know how but I think I'm at the acceptance stage even though it seems soon. Or maybe the anger will still come? Not sure. I know damn well now that he has to face responsibility and be accountable - what and how he did all those things was complete s***. It's really time for him to face the music, and I won't be around when it happens. He needs to go learn how to self-soothe etc, that relationship to me is damaged beyond repair - TOO MUCH has been said and done. The only way him and I will be better, is apart.

 

I understand your reasons for the anger emotion, you are saying it allows one to kind of create a buffer for them getting through to us again. I'll make sure to remain strong and observant, I've gone through all this, I'm definitely stronger than I think. I'll be working on channeling all that energy I was putting towards him and "US" to myself.

 

Thank you, I'm going to read those other articles you suggested. I really appreciate your help. This is the first time I have shared my story in this way, I think opening up like this is huge first step, and the help that comes with it is a constant reminder of what was and what should be.

[LetGGOO]

Downtown, I started reading that article by Shari Schreiber's "Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved?". It makes so much sense it's scary, almost overwhelming. I have moments where I don't look forward to dealing with myself...just so heavy you know. I told myself that I gotta do a little something for myself everyday, I was going to go for a hike this morning with a group of people but cancelled. I guess I'm just not ready to be around people and fake a smile. Yesterday I was convinced it's what i needed but I couldn't get myself to leave home today, it's okay I guess, it will take time.

 

Another update, he sent me an email saying he knows my post breakup rule (NC) but that he believes that people who love each other should continue to care for one another beyond romantic elements? That we "need to protect each other" - his words. He also said, if I want to care for him from afar, he'll respect that too.

So basically he is asking if we can be close friends. Now I know for a fact I can't do it - I simply won't move on because of constant reminders of this and that and basically having something to admire etc...

So my response, I told him that I have to heal and get over him first. I told him I've been wired to think of a future with him for 9 years, and I need time unwire that to a point where I no longer see him and I romantically. (Mind you he STILL obviously hasn't apologized or shown any remorse for anything). I also then said I will allow VERY LOW contact (whatever that means) and that I hope he understands. He responded with just "completely".

 

I'm 80% sure soon I will switch to NC completely...

What do you think?!

[Downtown]

I'm 80% sure soon I will switch to NC completely... What do you think?!

If I were you, LetGo, I would bump that figure up to 100%. Otherwise, you likely will have to deal with him trying to come back and back and back. If he is a BPDer, his self identity is so weak that he absolutely HATES to be alone by himself. So, even though he will never be happy living with you long-term, he will much prefer that to being by himself. This is why the #2 best-selling book (targeted to the abused partners) is called I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!