Update: Decided to stay after the affair

January 15, 2016

An update. I decided to stay with my husband after his affair. Not because I trust him, but because I want to give this marriage another try. He explained to me why he cheated. And what he intends doing from now on to ensure it never happens again. Like I said before, he said the main reason (not excuses) was that I financially took a large load and that made him feel unneeded. All he wanted was to be needed. He explained that he did not understand or see it the way it really was, that instead of just giving up on him when he is financially down and out, I took my role as wife, a HELPER and helped him out.

Oh I know I might be crazy for wanting to see him succeed, for wanting to see my husband happy and not stressed by not having a job. He is seeing a therapist to help him with his personal issues. I know it is not going to be an easy road ahead. Starting with now, I am not sure if I should continue being a helper, or if I should let everything crumple financially. My nature wont allow me to let everything get destroyed financially. I will take care of things, but my heart is scared. I am still afraid that my strength will lead him to other women.

This is the time when you wish you could get a clipse of your future to see what it holds.

January 15, 2016

An update. I decided to stay with my husband after his affair. Not because I trust him, but because I want to give this marriage another try. He explained to me why he cheated. And what he intends doing from now on to ensure it never happens again. Like I said before, he said the main reason (not excuses) was that I financially took a large load and that made him feel unneeded. All he wanted was to be needed. He explained that he did not understand or see it the way it really was, that instead of just giving up on him when he is financially down and out, I took my role as wife, a HELPER and helped him out.

Oh I know I might be crazy for wanting to see him succeed, for wanting to see my husband happy and not stressed by not having a job. He is seeing a therapist to help him with his personal issues. I know it is not going to be an easy road ahead. Starting with now, I am not sure if I should continue being a helper, or if I should let everything crumple financially. My nature wont allow me to let everything get destroyed financially. I will take care of things, but my heart is scared. I am still afraid that my strength will lead him to other women.

This is the time when you wish you could get a clipse of your future to see what it holds.

You are a very nice woman. But I went back to read your story and I must say... well, it's your choice. Cheating twice with the same woman and being stubborn with your request is an indication he won't stop the cheating. He will cheat again because you are asking him to stop. This will be another form of retaliation for him. That decision should come from him and if he keeps blaming you for the choice he makes then I really don't see any changes that will happen in your marriage.

But then again, this is your marriage. It will be you who will experience the possible hurt or pain, so do what you must.

But for me, you are very blessed to be financially stable to be able to get out of a toxic marriage. Imagine all the scorned wife who is stuck and can't do anything due to being financially unstable. Just saying that you have a way out.

Why don't you?

January 15, 2016

Your strength didn't lead him to another woman, his weakness did. I would not allow financial ruin waiting for him to get it together. Maintain what you can so that you won't have that hole to crawl out of if things don't work as you hope. There is nothing wrong with wanting to see someone you love succeeding. I hope he supports you in the same way. Reconciliation is difficult. I wish you luck and much peace. I would suggest finding a forum that is more reconciliation friendly.

January 15, 2016

An update. I decided to stay with my husband after his affair. Not because I trust him, but because I want to give this marriage another try. He explained to me why he cheated. And what he intends doing from now on to ensure it never happens again. Like I said before, he said the main reason (not excuses) was that I financially took a large load and that made him feel unneeded. All he wanted was to be needed. He explained that he did not understand or see it the way it really was, that instead of just giving up on him when he is financially down and out, I took my role as wife, a HELPER and helped him out.

Oh I know I might be crazy for wanting to see him succeed, for wanting to see my husband happy and not stressed by not having a job. He is seeing a therapist to help him with his personal issues. I know it is not going to be an easy road ahead. Starting with now, I am not sure if I should continue being a helper, or if I should let everything crumple financially. My nature wont allow me to let everything get destroyed financially. I will take care of things, but my heart is scared. I am still afraid that my strength will lead him to other women.

This is the time when you wish you could get a clipse of your future to see what it holds.

If you would of just posted on your original post we would be able to know your story. This new post has us dangling in the air with no basis to offer advice.

January 15, 2016

People need to take personal responsibility for their bad behaviour, rather than use silly excuses. You earn too much ..they cheat due to insecurity. ..... you earn too little they cheat because of the huge financial burden. It's all a load of excuses as far as I'm concerned.

Your husband is a serial cheater and with zero consequences for his cheating... why in the world will he ever stop? I hope he's honest with the therapist and that they tell him that having an affair is not a cure for low self esteem and poor financial success.

This is a man who would have left you if not for the money you make..yet it's the same excuse he uses for cheating.

It's your marriage and your decision.. but think about this.....if he suddenly became successful financially...do you honestly think he'd stay with you?

January 15, 2016

Your husband is a serial cheater and with zero consequences for his cheating... why in the world will he ever stop? I hope he's honest with the therapist and that they tell him that having an affair is not a cure for low self esteem and poor financial success.

This is a man who would have left you if not for the money you make..yet it's the same excuse he uses for cheating.

Not only are there no consequences for his crap behavior, but he gets rewarded for it. The OP is staying with him so he doesn't lose his meal ticket and he won't lose his 'mommy' who probably does everything for him at home, she's going to disrespect herself by downplaying her own independence and career/financial success in order to pander to HIS need to feel 'needed,' and she'll concentrate on building HIS ego up while ignoring her OWN emotions and desires, because she's afraid he'll cheat again if she doesn't.

So OP, I see it's STILL all about him. Poor, deprived, broken man just wanted to feel needed, so he chose to cheat, lie, betray, gas light and manipulate.

And in the end, the only one paying the price for it is YOU.

Well played, Mylenie's husband. Well played, indeed.

January 15, 2016

PS: Post-nup.

Now.

January 15, 2016

I think the choice to reconcile is with the individuals concerned. However, what I will say is that it takes a great deal of time and effort and your husband so far has only shown a complete and utter disregard for anything that you want.

What makes you think this will work? What makes you think that he will not start back or has even stopped seeing the OW who he has cheated on you with before?

And

What will happen the next time he feels un needed?

I wish you luck as from your original posts you are going to need it.

January 15, 2016

I am still afraid that my strength will lead him to other women.

I'm sorry, but I can't wrap my head around this? Please reread this sentence aloud several times. If by the second time it doesn't sound really f*cked up to you--keep rereading. As you become a stronger person, the weaker your relationship becomes? Assuming you're not confusing strength with control, how the hell does this not give you an idea about the future? I would tell you, but you're not going to like what I'm seeing. If you're really that strong, prove it to yourself and make the right choice for YOU.

Don't wait for number 5,

OneLov

January 15, 2016

"I am still afraid that my strength will lead him to other women."

Oxymoron.

January 15, 2016

Oh I know I might be crazy for wanting to see him succeed, for wanting to see my husband happy and not stressed by not having a job. He is seeing a therapist to help him with his personal issues. I know it is not going to be an easy road ahead. Starting with now, I am not sure if I should continue being a helper, or if I should let everything crumple financially. My nature wont allow me to let everything get destroyed financially. I will take care of things, but my heart is scared. I am still afraid that my strength will lead him to other women.

This is the time when you wish you could get a clipse of your future to see what it holds.

Certainly wish you well and hope you find marital happiness in whatever choices you've made.

But as others have commented, you seem to be doing all the heavy lifting in terms of change and analysis - and not for the first time in response to his cheating. Something to think about...

Mr. Lucky

January 15, 2016

I truly hope you get your happily ever after... And I am in no position to tell you your decision is right or wrong.

I will say this... Your strength did not contribute to his infidelity. His choice to cheat is 100% on him.

There may have been marital issues... Control issues or something like that but your strength did not cause his weakness.

Please stop blaming yourself. We all have traits that we need to work on to improve ourselves... And only you know if there are things you need to improve.

But please don't twist his weakness to become a burden you are placing on yourself.

He should be so willing to accept blame as you seem to be....

January 15, 2016

An update. I decided to stay with my husband after his affair. Not because I trust him, but because I want to give this marriage another try. He explained to me why he cheated. And what he intends doing from now on to ensure it never happens again. Like I said before, he said the main reason (not excuses) was that I financially took a large load and that made him feel unneeded. All he wanted was to be needed. He explained that he did not understand or see it the way it really was, that instead of just giving up on him when he is financially down and out, I took my role as wife, a HELPER and helped him out.

Oh I know I might be crazy for wanting to see him succeed, for wanting to see my husband happy and not stressed by not having a job. He is seeing a therapist to help him with his personal issues. I know it is not going to be an easy road ahead. Starting with now, I am not sure if I should continue being a helper, or if I should let everything crumple financially. My nature wont allow me to let everything get destroyed financially. I will take care of things, but my heart is scared. I am still afraid that my strength will lead him to other women.

This is the time when you wish you could get a clipse of your future to see what it holds.

So, he is blaming YOU for his choice in having an affair. I see, you held a gun to his head and made him do it... Until he OWNS his behavior and responsibility for his choices, tread carefully. He has to want to earn your trust back, don't just give it to him freely.

January 15, 2016

If you would of just posted on your original post we would be able to know your story. This new post has us dangling in the air with no basis to offer advice.

I actually hate when updates get tacked onto old threads because everyone reads the original opening post and starts replying to that without reading the update. It's easy enough to look up the posters first thread to get the backstory.

OP I did read your first thread and I have to say that your husband sounds like a truly awful individual. Multiple affairs and blames you for everything. I don't think your chances of reconciling and having a happy marriage with this person are very good. I actually think your life will get a whole lot better when you kick your lying childish husband out of it.

January 15, 2016

Do you understand what he's saying? Do you hear him?

He's not sorry he did it because it's your fault.....

Does this sound like a person who is going to stop?

And you decided to give the marriage another try (I thought it took two to do that but never mind) because he changed and his actions match his words? No, not that, but because he came up with a really good reason?

I'm sorry, but cheaters who lack character will gaslight you and make you believe you're to blame. He will carry on with whatever pleases him because there are no consequences.

And if you stop being such a responsible person by not paying the bills, then he will invent another reason like: you weren't there for him!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but he needs to go. You really have no need for an unfaithful husband. That's how he's really unneeded.

January 16, 2016

I actually hate when updates get tacked onto old threads because everyone reads the original opening post and starts replying to that without reading the update. It's easy enough to look up the posters first thread to get the backstory.

OP I did read your first thread and I have to say that your husband sounds like a truly awful individual. Multiple affairs and blames you for everything. I don't think your chances of reconciling and having a happy marriage with this person are very good. I actually think your life will get a whole lot better when you kick your lying childish husband out of it.

It is called use the go to the first unread button so you are brought to the latest posts. Previous pages will be skipped and they are also right there if one needs to refresh their memory.

January 16, 2016

It is called use the go to the first unread button so you are brought to the latest posts. Previous pages will be skipped and they are also right there if one needs to refresh their memory.

In a perfect world....

January 16, 2016

Has HE fixed his problem?

Is he NOW warning more than you? What has he changed?

What happens IF he suddenly loses a job in his future? Does that mean he solves his problem by cheating again?

No. He's still earning less. We talked about how he runs away from problems by cheating and that's why he is seeing a therapist, to help him deal with all the issues that he is going through.

January 16, 2016

No. He's still earning less. We talked about how he runs away from problems by cheating and that's why he is seeing a therapist, to help him deal with all the issues that he is going through.

Well, just don't let it stop. Maybe like someone said - the post-nup. You could stipulate that you have to agree to stopping the therapy, not just him, or something like that.

My husband and I had a confrontation recently. He was complaining about how my attitude toward him and my intensity in general, saying he never felt he could trust me. The sheer insensitivity and apparent return to entitlement knocked me breathless. It was something he hadn't done in a long time: denigrated me for who I am rather than something I'd said or done. Of course, he has to be told the rules every time (you only get to claim authority over your own feelings, etc.). I won't go into more detail—what I did/said; what he did/said—except for the last thing.

Ultimately all of it goes back to the affairs, so finally I said, "It's supposed to take three to five years for the spouse in my position to start getting back to normal. Three to five years. We're only at three and a half. So how do you make any of this my fault?" I didn't even get to add - "... and that's three to five years with a spouse who's actually doing most of the work ..." but wish I had. For some reason, that was the last word and he softened. That's how we roll.

January 17, 2016

Have you read up on codependancy? Some signs are: 1. You seem convinced that you have to help him feel good about himself. You don't want him to fail financially. 2. You want to save him. 3. You allow him to continually mistreat you. ( repeat affair) 4. You seem to think if you hang on long enough he will see the light and change.

There are many people that give their spouse a second chance after infidelity. Probably more do than don't. However, I don't think most deserve it. You have to KNOW what you want and what you will and won't accept. Then stick too those like glue. Additionally, work on yourself. Explore the idea of why you need to rescue your husband if you will. Sometimes things are too broke to fix!

January 18, 2016

An update. I decided to stay with my husband after his affair. Not because I trust him, but because I want to give this marriage another try.

Are you familiar with the definition of insanity attributed to Einstein- doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome?

Nothing has changed. Chances are, nothing will change. I'm f you want to keep trying, go ahead - but don't expect a different outcome. Keep trying, knowing that you will most likely go through it all again. And again. Until, one day, you finally decide you've had enough of trying.

I hope, for your sake, that you don't lose too much before that happens.

January 20, 2016

I see a woman who does so much. Moves heaven and earth to save her marriage, to save her husband (from himself) and at the end of the day, instead of seeing a beautiful soul sacrificing so much... Her husband resents her and everything she does.

By winning, she loses? There is the definition of an impossible situation. Get out, and put all that work on you.

No man should define his manliness on how much he is more powerful than you.

January 20, 2016

I see a woman who does so much. Moves heaven and earth to save her marriage, to save her husband (from himself) and at the end of the day, instead of seeing a beautiful soul sacrificing so much... Her husband resents her and everything she does.

Great point. One hallmark of a truly dysfunctional relationship - no good deed goes unpunished...

Mr. Lucky

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Update: Decided to stay after the affair

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