Mary3 Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Guys : How would you feel if you heard the following : " I dont want to get sexual with you . I just see you as a friend . I don't want to jeapardize our friendship by * going there *. I sincerely meant it though too...I dont want to * go there * but dont want to lose him as a friend..... I didn't want to play games . I told him early on. I don't feel bad about what I said because thats how I feel. Thoughts ?
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 When my guy friends hear that, they'll keep trying to get in her pants for a while and if it gets to the point where they see a zero chance at it ever being anything but 'just friends', they move on. Some guys will settle for 'friends' but that doesn't mean their sexual thoughts have gone anywhere. They just get better at hiding them, and keep hoping for the day she says 'yes'. If she keeps paying them attention, or flirting even slightly - they are more likely to stick around. I've only known a precious few guys who were genuinely interested in friends - but that was only with girls they had zero attraction or sexual interest in.
Author Mary3 Posted June 5, 2005 Author Posted June 5, 2005 I am resending this because it did not go through : He began touching me and getting romantic and I told him I felt uncomfortable and just wanted to be his friend. I really mean that. I have hung out with him quite a few times and liked our friendship. I didnt want it to go sexual...you know...
Author Mary3 Posted June 5, 2005 Author Posted June 5, 2005 I should add that he is very attractive and he finds me hot ( lol ) but just because someone is handsome does not mean you want to sleep with them. Its weird because I guess most girls would want to sleep with him. I do not feel a sexual chemistry with him. Okay I said it. Thats the truth..
Curt Posted June 5, 2005 Moderators Posted June 5, 2005 Thing is, you may not find him desirable in that way, but if he has gone as far as it appears he has, then it is clear that he wants ALL of you, not just part of you (i.e., your friendship and companionship). Unless he is willing to forego having a romantic relationship with you, then realize that he may well chose to not stick around to merely be a friend, albeit a close one. That may be difficult to accept from a woman's point of view... you value his friendship, and do not want to lose him as a close companion. However, look at it in this way: Imagine meeting that guy that meets practically every criterion for "romantic relationship material" in your eyes. He has the personality, charisma, intelligence, warmth, and most certainly the sexual desirability that would make him perfect for a FULL partner for you. (you know what I mean ... you get it BAD for him ) Anyways, you both get along great, love being together, but you have this insane desire to BE WITH HIM. You step up to the plate and let him know your desire for him, and ... you get turned down, as he doesn't see you in that light. You want him so bad, and can't have him. You see him with (and hear him talking about) other girls who, in your estimation, have nothing to share with him that you wouldn't gladly share with him yourself ... but, he doesn't want you in that way. Every day you're looking at this hot hunk that you want so badly to ravage yourself. He may be in a similar position. If I were him, that kind of sexual/emotional tension would get troubling (not to mention tiring) after a while. His best bet may be to get out now, while his heart is able to more quickly heal. I dunno ... I could be wrong. Curt
Marshbear Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by Mary3 Guys : How would you feel if you heard the following : " I dont want to get sexual with you . I just see you as a friend . I don't want to jeapardize our friendship by * going there *. I sincerely meant it though too...I dont want to * go there * but dont want to lose him as a friend..... I didn't want to play games . I told him early on. I don't feel bad about what I said because thats how I feel. Thoughts ? If you said this to me I would wish you the best and end our friendship if I had feelings for you. Sorry. Just the way things are between men and women.
chronic Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear If you said this to me I would wish you the best and end our friendship if I had feelings for you. Sorry. Just the way things are between men and women. Agreed. Men and women can't be friends with people they are attracted to. In my case, I can't be freinds with women period.
Merin Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Well I'm not a Guy and come to think of it, I've never had someone tell me they didn't want to get it on.. Seriously.. if you only see him as a friend and you didn't lead him to believe otherwise, then mad props for being honest with him.. and I guess time will tell if the friendship will remain.
Marshbear Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by Merin Well I'm not a Guy and come to think of it, I've never had someone tell me they didn't want to get it on.. Vanity......Vanity..... Thy name is vanity....
alphamale Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by Mary3 Thoughts ? men & women should not be "friends" unless it is in the context of a romantic relationship.
Merin Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear Vanity......Vanity..... Thy name is vanity.... Not meant as Vain, it's just been my experience.. but yeah I also think Men and Women (not all) don't operate the same... a lot of Guys will have sex with someone they don't see as a "relationship" potential (and some women do this as well) while Women (not all) are more likely to NOT become sexually involved with someone they see only as a friend. *disclaimer NOT ALL*
Marshbear Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale men & women should not be "friends" unless it is in the context of a romantic relationship. Agreed Alpha.....
BigB Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale men & women should not be "friends" unless it is in the context of a romantic relationship. What about say, your best buds girlfriend? or your buddy's wife? I hang with my buddy's girls from time to time..
Marshbear Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by Merin a lot of Guys will have sex with someone they don't see as a "relationship" potential (and some women do this as well) while Women (not all) are more likely to NOT become sexually involved with someone they see only as a friend. *disclaimer NOT ALL* Merin, Are you saying you've never had sex with a guy unless you saw him as "relationship potential"? Never had a ONS? Never had a FWB relationship?
Merin Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear Merin, Are you saying you've never had sex with a guy unless you saw him as "relationship potential"? Never had a ONS? Never had a FWB relationship? That's what I'm saying.
faux Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by Mary3 Guys : How would you feel if you heard the following : " I dont want to get sexual with you . I just see you as a friend . I don't want to jeapardize our friendship by * going there *. I sincerely meant it though too...I dont want to * go there * but dont want to lose him as a friend..... I didn't want to play games . I told him early on. I don't feel bad about what I said because thats how I feel. Thoughts ? I would leave this woman alone. Chances are, if a woman said this to me, I would have had to have an obvious interest in her romantically. Such a statement would tell me that the woman is not interested in what I would like to pursue, so I would have to tell her that I wanted something more, and I must leave her alone. I doubt that, if I were to have done something to provoke such a response, that I would be able to sustain a truly platonic relationship in good faith.
moimeme Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 men & women should not be "friends" unless it is in the context of a romantic relationship Oh piffle. It is entirely possible that both sides of a friendship could find each other not attractive physically but good folks to be 'friends only' with. In this case, however, only one of the sides feels that way so you may well lose him.
runner Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 rejected. but then i wouldn't touch a girl unless she wanted me too, thus avoidin this whole embarrasment in the first place.
Sal Paradise Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 If he knows there is no chance of you being with him he will probably break the frienship off, if not right away then slowly over a month or so. If you lead him on he may stay around for a chance at table scraps. But that would be dishonest and cruel.
Author Mary3 Posted June 6, 2005 Author Posted June 6, 2005 I guess I saw him as someone to hang out with and all the times we hung out he never did that but one nite he started touching me and it did not feel right. I guess I like the softer approach ,..the kissing.. the intensity.. the chemistry where that person makes you melt and you really enjoy their caresses and kisses . I did not enjoy his brief touch and he did not kiss me in the way I like. I felt like this is too weird. Its not what I want. I saw him going there and I said what I had to say. It would be cruel to get him really worked up and then say it. He said just laying next to me got him all worked up. Thats when I got off the couch. I told him I liked him but not in that way. I didnt want him to abandon our friendship but maybe he will. I think you can be friends with a guy and do things but I guess I am in the minority... I think we can chalk this up as No Chemistry ...at least in the physical sense.
MySugaree Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 In the context of your relationship, "friendship" carries two entirely different sets of expectations. You're both single, unattached, straight and sexually available. By giving your suitor the "just friends" message you're communicating your sexual unavailability to him, and just to him. That message cuts like a knife. If this guy is quick on the uptake, he'll realize you're serious about NOT getting "serious" with him. If you're not sending mixed messages (flirting is early relationship glue), he's probably not going to remain long as your friend. For you, "friendship" is the end point of the relationship. For him, it's only the beginning. With these clashing expectations about the meaning of friendship, my best guess is that he''ll exit once another woman comes along with whom a sexual chemistry is shared.
Marshbear Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by MySugaree For you, "friendship" is the end point of the relationship. For him, it's only the beginning. Well Put.......
Author Mary3 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 When we became friends and started hanging out we would watch movies and just enjoy the movie and he never made any sexual references or touched me and then when the movies were over , he would go home. There was no sexual tension in the air like we need to consumate something , it was more so a friendship as he was new in town. I thought it was neat that we could do stuff like go to movies...cook dinners....but then he wanted more. I think it would have worked if I felt something stirring inside but sadly I did not. Because I care about him I had to say something. The worst thing in the world would be to let him make out with me and then say stop. Its better to say it when they begin to start touching you and you feel uncomfortable. I dont play games and I dont want them played on me. So you either feel something sexually or you dont. And if you dont , that person has the absolute right to look elsewhere for his physical needs. I told him that and we were close enough that we could talk about something like that. I might lose him as a friend but I think overtime he will hopefully want to hang out again.
Marshbear Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by Mary3 When we became friends and started hanging out we would watch movies and just enjoy the movie and he never made any sexual references or touched me and then when the movies were over , he would go home. There was no sexual tension in the air like we need to consummate something , it was more so a friendship as he was new in town. I thought it was neat that we could do stuff like go to movies...cook dinners....but then he wanted more. I think it would have worked if I felt something stirring inside but sadly I did not. Because I care about him I had to say something. The worst thing in the world would be to let him make out with me and then say stop. Its better to say it when they begin to start touching you and you feel uncomfortable. I don't play games and I don't want them played on me. So you either feel something sexually or you don't. And if you don't , that person has the absolute right to look elsewhere for his physical needs. I told him that and we were close enough that we could talk about something like that. I might lose him as a friend but I think overtime he will hopefully want to hang out again. He might have went into the friendship with the intention of being friends but as you spent more time together and you talked maybe he thought, " you know, She's really a neat person. I like her on so many levels, how about seeing if we are good on the romantic level?" You should not be mad at him if he can't stay your friend. You should view it as a compliment that he liked you well enough as a friend and as a romantic partner. He might be able to be your friend over time if you live close or run in the same circles but when he gets another G/F he will probably move on and you and him will fizzle out. Sorry things didn't work out with you....
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