Hot and Cold or what?

[upnorth]

I'm generally of the mind, when it comes to dating, follow your intuition...and if you have to ask, you usually have your answer.

 

However. I met a man this summer who was significantly older than me. 21 years older. ( I'm 34, he's 55) He made it known he was interested in me, I was not. However, one night on a whim, I decided to hang out with him and see where it went. We surprisingly had a lot in common, I had a blast.

 

I am not looking for a serious relationship right now, for a multitude of reasons.

 

We were intimate on our third time hanging out one on one. ( I should add, we are both involved in the music scene in this small city, so run ins are often).

 

Now. For some reason, there were some sexual issues....as in it just didn't work. I've not had that experience before, and he seems to have some ED. however, he is able to please me in other ways that are more than satisfactory, so I kind of let that go. Sorry if TMI.

 

So after a few times of this happening one night after having drinks he said to me, " You know...I'm actually surprised at how much I enjoy your company, but I'm not looking for a relationship, but I enjoy what we're doing". I said " cool, me too".

 

We were getting together about once a week for about three months. Then all off a sudden he dropped off the radar, didn't hear from him, texted him once, didn't hear back, left it alone. Ran into each other each other a couple of weeks later, did the head nod, but didn't really talk. A couple of weeks after that, we ran into each other again, ended up talking, went home together, were finally intimate in a manner in that we hadn't been before, and it was really good. I assumed he had met someone he had been interested during that month, then it hadn't worked out, but where I wasn't looking for a relationship, it didn't bother me.

 

So we started talking again...hung out a few times, and the next slip up was definitely on me...where our hang outs had always involved being sexual, on this occasion, it didn't. He also abruptly woke me up in the morning and said " I'm taking you home". I asked him about it, and he said " don't worry, its fine, we're good". I did kind of push him to talk about it, and he clearly didn't want to. I was feeling insecure due to the issues we'd been having and asked him if he found me attractive, despite the fact he had told me so many times.

 

So. The next time we get together, he says to me " I think you're absolutely awesome, but I don't think we should sleep together". k.

 

However, since then, we've been getting together and just hanging out. We have really good talks and have been getting to know each other on a different level.When we do hang out, we'll get together for a coffee and end up talking for 6 hours kind of thing. He often tells me I'm good looking, and he is always laughing when we're together. He has also started having text conversations with me, something I know he hates ( which I've witnessed first hand, people texting him and him getting irritated and saying, don't people understand I don't text) but he was doing in the early stages when he was pursuing me.

 

We had a conversation yesterday where he said to me " well, why don't you just come down to xxx?" where he was playing that night, but I was staying in last night...where it's not a dating situation, and we are no longer intimate, I figure, I should have no qualms about it me being me to ask him to hang out. So during our text conversation today, during which he said " you're a good person :)" and I said " haha, somewhat debatable..depends on who you ask" he said " pretty sure it's true", and also I had jokingly told him to come shovel my driveway and he said " hold on, I don't like you THAT much... jk :)" and just other banter...I said " hey feel like getting together later?" and he dropped the conversation. Where typically he will end it with a goodnight or whatever.

 

Obviously, I wouldn't be typing this novel out if I didn't want the sexual part of our " whatever" to restart again. In this situation, do you think it's possible that perhaps where he has some um difficulty performing, that could be what makes him keep pulling back? A girlfriend seemed to think that it may have to do with the fact that I am a professional, much younger and quite active socially and that he is intimated by that?...he is not in the best financial position right now and was laid off a couple of months ago from a labour job. I don't know? In our social circle, what you do for money is rarely an issue, it's more of the artsy crowd, and jobs here are scarce, so being laid off isn't anything shocking. Also, he now refers to our time prior as " when we were dating"..." oh, it's probably because he knew we were seeing each other", so perhaps he thought more was there than I did and I didn't act accordingly?

 

I mean, I know he enjoys my company. He tells me he finds me attractive. I've seen him get jealous when other men hit on me. I don't really buy into the theory of men being " intimidated " by women. I honestly took this whole thing as he doesn't enjoy being intimate with me, for whatever reasons, but he made an off the cuff remark the other day about me being very good in that regard.

 

I guess I just don't get it.....is this something I should bring up again, not right away, but maybe after a few more times of hanging out? Should I start playing games and ignoring him ? ( which I've noticed actually works with him, but I hate playing games...not my thing, I'm way too straight forward for that...only found out when I thought things had " ended" the first time around, and then lost my phone for a week lol)

 

Any thoughts? I apologize for the length!

[Scarlett.O'hara]

The thing that stood out to me the most was how he referred to "when we were dating", which is past tense, meaning he only sees you as a friend. A younger, attractive friend, but still just a friend.

 

He also stated that he liked the casual (friends with benefits) arrangement you had at the time, so he obviously thought he could end it without any explanation. The fact that he hasn't been very considerate of your feelings isn't a good sign.

 

From what you have said, it sounds like he has no interest in pursuing a relationship, so I would caution you against trying to reignite a friends with benefits situation because I think you will end up getting hurt.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best.

[IronZ]

Yeah he was never considerate of your feelings at all. Used you for sex and very casually dropped it on you 3 months into everything that he's not looking for a relationship. Sorry but if I'm seeing someone on that intimate of a level for 3 months, I'm calling it a relationship. And then he just dropped off the map for a long time like you were nothing. You got played. Stop giving this guy your time and attention, especially since it sounds like you're sorta into him and he's definitely not into you anymore for whatever reason.