limited Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) I met a man on OKC and we've had four brief meetings so far (10 minutes to 2 hours). After the first two meetings, I wasn't sure if I liked him or wanted anything to do with him. First meeting, he was just so awkward (nothing like his texting personality, but because I had liked our text chats, I decided to give him another chance since he did say he was nervous. Second meeting was better. He was more relaxed and I was also more physically attracted to him. However, 5 minutes into our meeting, he told me out loud that he was supposed to meet another woman earlier for coffee, but that he didn't tell her where they were supposed to meet. I was like, ok? Why is he telling me this? Like I need to know. I was immediately turned off and it ruined the whole night for me. I don't even know if he really did have another date, or if he was just trying to make me jealous. It didn't end there, but when I asked him if he was still on some dating sites, he told me NO. It's a lie because he's still on match.com and goes on everyday. We're not exclusive yet, but I just didn't like that he lied to me. It would've been better if he said yes and be honest about it. Also, I only asked him because he talks a lot about his OLD dating experience to me in almost each conversation we have. Again, after the second date, I was really thinking that I didn't want to go forward, but I did. After our first date, he's been texting me everyday, several times a day, revealing more about him. And after our second date, he told me he wanted to see me again. We talked on the phone for over an hour, and I found myself liking him again. The next day, I asked him to come over to my place for our 3rd date (he had originally suggested meeting, but I finally offered a plan). It was a good 2 hour in person conversation that I had with him on our 3rd date. He never touched me or even tried to sit close by me. Actually, I can tell he was really blushing and I could tell his high level of attractiveness for me. I found myself falling for him again. He even picked me up the next morning to go to work. He discussed with me that he wants a partner - someone he can share a home with and go on vacations with. It sounded like he had already started to picture me in his life because he had mention a home that would work for his kids and "hers." He even sent me a link to a home that he'd buy in the future. Then he also started asking me about travel locations. So, I thought we were going stronger, but then last night I logged into Match to check up on him, and he was on there for a few hours. I know we are not exclusive yet, but it really bugs me. I think he wants more, but I don't want to go more because I can't trust him at this point. Should I bring this up to him, and if so, how? AT the same time where I don't want to sound clingy, it also really bothers me because I am not on any more dating sites. The second date when he mentioned the other date he had and how he lied to me really has been bugging me. Besides those things, I really do like him and he seems to like me too. I just don't know why he keeps going back to match when things seem to be going so well. Edited January 14, 2016 by limited
smackie9 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 You are not exclusive so he can do whatever he wants. He has no idea if things are heading that way, you only met up twice... he lied, so take that as someone you can't trust and stop seeing him then. Cornering him on it is a fruitless venture....it is what it is. 3
Author limited Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 You are not exclusive so he can do whatever he wants. He has no idea if things are heading that way, you only met up twice... he lied, so take that as someone you can't trust and stop seeing him then. Cornering him on it is a fruitless venture....it is what it is. We met up 4x now and been chatting for over a month. I don't think of us as exclusive, but the way we've been communicating seems to indicate we are heading in that direction, except it is me that doesn't want to go further yet because of my low trust level in him.
smackie9 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 We met up 4x now and been chatting for over a month. I don't think of us as exclusive, but the way we've been communicating seems to indicate we are heading in that direction, except it is me that doesn't want to go further yet because of my low trust level in him. If you have low trust then you are just wasting your time. 1
katiegrl Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 We met up 4x now and been chatting for over a month. I don't think of us as exclusive, but the way we've been communicating seems to indicate we are heading in that direction, except it is me that doesn't want to go further yet because of my low trust level in him. You are smart to not want to go further with him. He's a proven liar for heaven's sake. Trust your instincts and next him. 3
Robratory Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Maybe I'm being too harsh, but this guy sounds damaged, and worse, not yet healed. There were red flags from the start. A grown man so nervous that he can't even make small talk with someone he just met in person after being acquainted online? Sorry, but not charming, and not endearing. And four meetings is way too early to discuss a future. It's one thing to acknowledge that they're looking for a long term relationship with someone. But this is the house I'm going to buy? Red flag. Even if he hadn't lied, he comes across as a little too strange.
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Confront is a harsh concept. I agree with Smackie9 since you already know he's a liar there is really no point in continuing because even if he gets off the sites now, I'd still have a hard time trusting him. But if you must do show him that you caught him in the lie. Explain that you would have been OK with the truth that he was still OL but that you are very troubled by his choice to lie. Gauge his reaction. If it's anything other than conciliatory, there is absolutely no future here; don't waste your time. 1
TheArtist Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I also agree with Smackie. It's not a big thing that he's still on the dating site but the fact that he didn't tell you the truth isn't a great start, is it? If you can't trust him after such a short time, just wait until the big lies start coming. It doesn't sound like you have a lot of in-person chemistry either, from what you've said at least. I'd let this one go. 1
GunslingerRoland Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 On the one hand he did lie. On the other hand why are you even asking him that question when you haven't even been on a full date yet? Are you trying to trap him?
Redhead14 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I met a man on OKC and we've had four brief meetings so far (10 minutes to 2 hours). After the first two meetings, I wasn't sure if I liked him or wanted anything to do with him. First meeting, he was just so awkward (nothing like his texting personality, but because I had liked our text chats, I decided to give him another chance since he did say he was nervous. Second meeting was better. He was more relaxed and I was also more physically attracted to him. However, 5 minutes into our meeting, he told me out loud that he was supposed to meet another woman earlier for coffee, but that he didn't tell her where they were supposed to meet. I was like, ok? Why is he telling me this? Like I need to know. I was immediately turned off and it ruined the whole night for me. I don't even know if he really did have another date, or if he was just trying to make me jealous. It didn't end there, but when I asked him if he was still on some dating sites, he told me NO. It's a lie because he's still on match.com and goes on everyday. We're not exclusive yet, but I just didn't like that he lied to me. It would've been better if he said yes and be honest about it. Also, I only asked him because he talks a lot about his OLD dating experience to me in almost each conversation we have. Again, after the second date, I was really thinking that I didn't want to go forward, but I did. After our first date, he's been texting me everyday, several times a day, revealing more about him. And after our second date, he told me he wanted to see me again. We talked on the phone for over an hour, and I found myself liking him again. The next day, I asked him to come over to my place for our 3rd date (he had originally suggested meeting, but I finally offered a plan). It was a good 2 hour in person conversation that I had with him on our 3rd date. He never touched me or even tried to sit close by me. Actually, I can tell he was really blushing and I could tell his high level of attractiveness for me. I found myself falling for him again. He even picked me up the next morning to go to work. He discussed with me that he wants a partner - someone he can share a home with and go on vacations with. It sounded like he had already started to picture me in his life because he had mention a home that would work for his kids and "hers." He even sent me a link to a home that he'd buy in the future. Then he also started asking me about travel locations. So, I thought we were going stronger, but then last night I logged into Match to check up on him, and he was on there for a few hours. I know we are not exclusive yet, but it really bugs me. I think he wants more, but I don't want to go more because I can't trust him at this point. Should I bring this up to him, and if so, how? AT the same time where I don't want to sound clingy, it also really bothers me because I am not on any more dating sites. The second date when he mentioned the other date he had and how he lied to me really has been bugging me. Besides those things, I really do like him and he seems to like me too. I just don't know why he keeps going back to match when things seem to be going so well. Yeah, he lied about it, but the reality is that it isn't any of your business - yet. And, you are still on Match as well apparently . . . whether or not you are using it for viewing profiles, he doesn't know what you are doing there either. Do you want to tell him you were "spying" on him? Kinda tit for tat as far as I'm concerned. And, he did tell you he had other dates, kinda tacky, but honest at the same time. He doesn't owe you anything -- explanations or otherwise. Let him lead, observe how he dates you, and when you've become intimate and/or the subject of exclusivity comes up, you tell him that you've closed your OLD accounts and expect that from him as well. If you decide to bring this up before the subject of exclusivity is actually brought up, you can simply make a statement "I've closed my OLD accounts". And, then let him talk. You don't "confront" per se, you just tell him what you've done. If he follows suit, great.
SwordofFlame Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I think he wants more, but I don't want to go more because I can't trust him at this point. If you don't want to go more than why are you asking this question about confronting him about his OLD activity.
Redhead14 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) We met up 4x now and been chatting for over a month. I don't think of us as exclusive, but the way we've been communicating seems to indicate we are heading in that direction, except it is me that doesn't want to go further yet because of my low trust level in him. but the way we've been communicating seems to indicate we are heading in that direction -- Great, let it go that way naturally. Don't start complicating it. This isn't a big deal at this point. Of course, you have a low trust level, trust develops over time and over a period of more than a month or 4 dates, and it's about so much more than OLD profiles and visits that a person makes before they actually become exclusive with you. Too much emphasis is put on social media and spying and assuming and, and, and. If you kill every new dating scenario over "blips", you'll never get anywhere. Technically, if there were no OLD sites, you wouldn't know whether or not he was looking or dating others anyway. Take that out of the equation for now. What really bothers me about all this is the RUSH to pin someone down. It reminds me of going to Walmart at Christmas time -- everybody trampling other people to get the toy of the year . . . there isn't much of anything I need so badly as to make myself nuts over it . . . Edited January 14, 2016 by Redhead14
Author limited Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 Update - He tells me via text and on the phone how much he finds me attractive, what a great person I am, and how he'd be "stoked" if I told him I wanted us to be in a relationship. He gives me so many compliments, texts me several times a day everyday, and even started sharing pictures of his kids with me. I was starting to feel that we could be something too, so I suggested dinner at my place as our 5th date. Two hours before our date, he texts and then calls me that he has some kind of stomach flu, and won't be able to make it. It was a Saturday night. It was the second time in less than a month that he cancelled on me, and I sensed BS right away each time. After we hung up on each other, I texted him, "Please stop lying to me." He then writes me what it seems hundreds of words that he's not lying, etc. I then brought up the doubts I had about him, including the match.com lie. He lied again. I told him he's selfish and that I don't want anything to do with him. I'm so disappointed because I did like him too and felt things may be heading towards a relationship, but lying to me and cancelling twice among other red flags told me I'm being fooled. I told him to stay on match since it feeds his ego so much. There I am, a real person with all the qualities he said he wanted, and he showered me with compliments. He even acted like he could really be into me. Why?? Why do all that just to disappoint me again, and keep lying to me while going on a dating site looking for other women? I just don't get it. And this guy must be obsessed with OLD because he even told me he came up with a short story about a person who invented OLD, and how that person become like Mark Zuckerberg.
Toodaloo Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 We met up 4x now and been chatting for over a month. I don't think of us as exclusive, but the way we've been communicating seems to indicate we are heading in that direction, except it is me that doesn't want to go further yet because of my low trust level in him. Oh no no no... Get rid. This one is "future faking" while still being honest so he doesn't have to feel guilty... He hasn't treated anyone with respect let alone you. Time to run and cut your losses. Better luck with the next one.
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