Eevee Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Ok so I'm writing this with the risk of sounding like a cold-hearted b*tch but I really want to know what other people think about this situation. So me and my bf have been going through a rough patch since I found out that he spent the night with his ex girlfriend when I was away on holiday. He says nothing happened between them and I actually believe him because he's not the cheating type. In fact I wasn't mad that he saw her only that he felt the need to keep it a secret from me, I'm not normally the jealous type so I don't know why he decided to hide this. Admittedly it hurt a little especially since whenever he's spoken about his ex it's always been negatively to put it mildly. She cheated on him and dumped him so he never has a good word to say of her to me on the few occasions we've discussed her. Now sadly, recently my bf's ex died in a car crash. It was horrible because she was young and had her life ahead of her and I knew her mother reasonably well so I feel awful for her family. My bf was understandably upset and at first I was there for him. I understand that it takes some people a long time to move on from a death but it's starting to get quite difficult to be around him now. All he ever wants to do is talk about her, he told me that his life is empty and meaningless without her and whilst I appreciate the pain he's going through it can get quite tough to hear this considering I was under the impression he no longer liked her (they broke up 4 years ago) And now I feel awful because I'm resenting feeling second best to his ex. He cancels plans with me so he can have heart to hearts with her friends, he takes time of work to visit her grave (he's never taken time off for anything to do with me) and he praises her all the time which again, makes it difficult to know what to say to him considering what he used to tell me about her. What's really awkward now is that we never really resolved our argument about her spending the night with him (they apparently slept over each other's houses) and now I can't because I'm not allowed to say anything negative about her in his presence. I can't even ask him why he still had the up to date mobile number of this ex after 2 years of being with me and 4 years apart from her. How do I explain to him that it's putting a strain on our relationship whenever he brings his baggage to me. I'm not his comfort blanket I'm his girlfriend and whilst of course I'll be there for him when he needs me I just feel he's forgetting what we have together and focussing on what he lost with his ex. Sorry if I sound heartless but it's so difficult to talk to him without him getting upset. Thanks everyone
smackie9 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I read the first line.....dump him and be done with it. 2
Nilfiry Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 How long has this grief period been? I think a few weeks for a past love might be fair, especially if they are still friends. You should give him a bit more time. No one wants to lose things that are close to them, and it tends to leave an emotional longing simply because one is used to the presence of that person. Any longer and just maybe their relationship were much closer than you were led to believe, especially considering the reaction; although, this may be arbitrary since different people grieve differently. Many people tend to over-react to news of death even though it is someone they are not even close to or do not know, but I have never seen anyone go so far unless the deceased was a close person. Nevertheless, the best thing to do is talk about it first. You should never have to be afraid to offend or upset in a well built relationship, so you should just be blunt but understanding at the same time. Just tell him how you feel and ask if he needs more time to cope. Then sprinkle on a little bit of patience and see how it works out.
Redhead14 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 he's spoken about his ex it's always been negatively to put it mildly. -- Yet, he's kept in touch and visited with her since you two have been together. Being so negative in his conversations with you about her was a ploy to disguise and deflect possible suspicion on your part that they were still having a relationship . . . I'd bet there have been things about him/behavior that made you feel insecure in the relationship over the last couple of years. (He doth protest too loudly . . . ) ( Sure, even if it's been 4 years since they split, he'd be somewhat upset by her death but to the extent of pushing you away because of it is, at best, an overreaction if he's truly committed in his heart to you.
walkingonair Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Definitely stop seeing him! Don't ever be anyone's option!!!! You need to be the one and only girl on his mind, if not then leave! You deserve respect and real true love!
Lois_Griffin Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 So me and my bf have been going through a rough patch since I found out that he spent the night with his ex girlfriend when I was away on holiday. He says nothing happened between them and I actually believe him because he's not the cheating type. Said every woman on earth - until she found out the TRUTH. You need to take those blinders off. Seriously. 3
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