Not a date but friendly meeting

[pepco]

Ok. So here's the thing...

After four months of chasing and two rejections I asked her out for the third and last time. It was after I did something quite cool and sweet during her birthday. She said yes but immediately told me that it's just "friendly meeting". I thought: 'Well, maybe it's not that bad. I mean, it was four months and maybe she just didn't want to say direct yes to a date. Maybe she'll give me a shot...'. But a day later my mutual friend told me that she really means that and she just doesn't see it that way. And that's my decision whether I still want to meet.

I should add that we didn't even meet in private before. Just public bus station and on the way to it. And quite a lot texting. She's always been playful but there was something missing. Yet I've kept trying.

I just cannot understand why she made that decision before A REAL meeting.

I know, I know. I should move on... But she's just perfect for me - literally she's the dreamt one and I don't mean only her appearance. I'm completely nuts about her. I notice and like SO much things and little details about her that I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't do ABSOLUTELY anything I could (Sorry for my English, this sentence is quite weird.)

I've got a few advice from my friends and every single one tells me something different.

1. Don't meet her.

2. Meet her, she's got to know you better.

3. Meet her, have a nice time, and just confess your feelings to her during the meeting.

I don't know how I should act. Well, I definitely know one: I'm trying really hard but I won't pretend to be someone else etc. just to impress her.

Of course I want to impress her somehow. But I want to remain myself while doing that. So...

Should I respect it completely and treat it as a 'friendly meeting'?

Should I treat it that way but try to make it something more during the meeting?

Should I confess my feelings? Of course not at the beggining but when the meeting will be coming to an end? (I mean, yeah, I asked her out but never told her how I feel)

 

I thought about playing it smart - giving her compliments (not too much ofc, one or two), acting like a gentleman... And if she had anything against it - well, it's nothing big, isn't it? Can't a man be nice to a woman while meeting her?

 

 

And an extra question. I thought about it way before asking her out.

There's that song that she just LOVES. It's nothing popular etc but she found it during one of our text conversations. Of course sent it to me etc. We're going for a coffee to a place with some music. Should I try that hard and try to arrange that song to be played while we're there?

 

I know I asked a lot of questions. It's just... There are so many of them in my head and I don't know how should I handle it.

Edited January 14, 2016 by pepco

[smudge21]

You got a lot of hope there my friend. I don't see this going the way your dreams are telling you it will. Sorry, but I think you need to go in to this (if you do) as it will just be a friendly meeting. If you jump in expecting more and hoping that anything you do will win her over, you may end up being hurt. At least going in not expecting anything could turn out better.

 

I'd go through with the meeting personally, and just plan to see how it goes. No pressure or expectations and all that. However, can you head and heart really handle it being just that. You clearly have strong feelings for her and you need to be careful of getting seriously hurt here.

[Hughes101]

I would say you need to get out and date multiple women.

Then you'll have other options.

 

She's already rejected you. I wouldn't even bother persisting with this.

 

IF you start getting the interest of other women watch how she will magically become interested in you all of a sudden.

 

I wouldn't even bother seeing her again. You have to ask yourself what makes her different from any other girl out there?

[BrocasHelm]

If she said she doesn't feel that way with you before a real meeting, she probably has someone else on her mind or something like this, so your chances are slim, sorry. My advice, try anyway. Have a good time with her, be a gentleman but don't overdo it (you can open doors for her but don't rush for any door to open if you see what I mean, you can pay but if she insists on paying her share, don't discuss it too much - it's gonna be weird). Be charming, be flirty (but don't overdo it, read her body language), and most of all, be fun. Offer her a great night, and at the end of it, if you see she still doesn't feel like she could get closer to you, well, at least you tried your best. What you should NOT do:

 

_ Confess your feelings. NO! NO! NO!

_ Try too hard to please her or to be the "perfect" guy. Just relax, she's got to know the real you.

_ Go too hard on the physical contact. Say, you touch her hand and she seems to stiffen or appears uncomfortable, then take your hand away but not too fast and treat it like it's no big deal. If you're stressed out and uneasy, that will make her uneasy.

_ Absolutely try to kiss her. Follow your guts, if she didn't respond too warmly to your touching, then she doesn't want to be kissed. On the other hand, if you've really had a great time, with flirting, touching and stuff, then yeah, you can try. And if she rejects the kiss, take it like a man, smile, say it's okay, no drama or anything.

_ As for the song thing... not so sure. Seems like trying too hard to me.

 

In a nutshell, just be nice, fun, relaxed, make her have a good time but keep in mind that you two might not be more than friends in the end. Don't have too many expectations so as not to be disappointed. And, who knows, if you two don't kiss but she had a good time, she might reconsider and call you back

[pepco]

Thank you all for your quick replies.

And yeah, I think you're right.

I'll go for it, make it a simple meeting, just be myself and I won't have any expectations. I'll just try to have the best time I can.

Moving on... Hell, I had no idea it's that hard

[BrocasHelm]

Moving on... Hell, I had no idea it's that hard

 

I don't know how old you are or your experience, but trust me, you get used to it, and you'll find out that after a rejection, you always find another girl who sparks your interest

[Robratory]

I think you made it a little hard on yourself.

 

You know, affection is not something women reward us with for being nice and attentive. You can't nice your way into someone's heart, and that goes for both sexes. Think of a girl who, for whatever reason, just totally turns you off. Now imagine if she was always, like, can I get you a beer? Can I iron your shirt? I'll wait in line at the DMV for you! Yes, you can borrow my car to take another girl out. Would that melt your heart? Would you say to yourself, wow, she's really a nice girl, I will now be attracted to her? Of course not. That can't work. You can't make yourself attracted to someone.

 

If you are looking for a girlfriend, then be honest about it and don't settle for "friends" who just happen to be girls and who aren't even true blue friends anyway. Ring this girl up who wants to be your friend at 2am and tell you've been arrested and can she come down to bail you out. Let's see what kind of friend she is then.

 

At this point, yes, go on the date because you'll look like a sulking jerk if you don't. Just promise yourself, never again. If they don't want to play ball, take your balls to a different court.

[introverted1]

Pepco, this girl is actually doing you a favor because she is telling you in no uncertain terms that she is not interested in you romantically/sexually.

[GemmaUK]

If you have romantic feelings and she clearly doesn't for you from what she has told you then you're better off not meeting at all.

[fitnessfan365]

If you have romantic feelings and she clearly doesn't for you from what she has told you then you're better off not meeting at all.

 

THIS 100%.

 

I mean look at it this way OP. If she was interested, you would have gotten a yes the first time. You wouldn't have had to chase for four months to wind up with a "friendly meeting" after two rejections.

 

Just because you feel strongly about her, doesn't mean she'll feel the same way. So when a woman doesn't feel it and just wants to be "friends" don't waste your time. Instead you simply be honest and say "I'm way too attracted just to be friends with you, so I'm going to cancel our meeting. But if you change you mind give me a call". Then you don't contact or talk to her again unless she reaches out to you. Otherwise, you're just going to torture yourself.

[pepco]

Well, if anyone would like to know...

It all went worse than I assumed in my worst scenario.

She has just cancelled it