Kids say the darnedest things....

[Popsicle]

Uhm. The part I notice is the young man saying his crush is a cheater and "cheated" on him because she got frozen yogurt with another boy.

 

I'd be more concerned about him having jealousy/ control issues about his crush going out with easily a male friend for frozen yogurt at 13.

 

That seems like total overkill.

 

I regular hung out with male friends into my early 20s. There were no boundary issues or "secret friendships" or "dates" that came of it. Nor was it because I was "friend-zoning" them. We were friends. Start to finish.

 

Frozen yogurt isn't some illicit affair!

 

True. She is 13. At that age, kids have to be free to socialize.

 

And, not only that, he (the son) at the age of 13 has many years ahead of him in dealing with girls, and he is going to have to get used to dealing with them having male friends for a while until the girls get old enough to want just one guy who is her boyfriend to also be her best friend too.

[dichotomy]

She could (did ) cheat and you "could" leave.

 

People who cheat seem to think there ought to be some 100% reconciliation, forgive and forget, move on, no lasting changes or consequences.

 

My wife used to say things along the lines of "you stayed for the kids" "or you will leave when they are older"....I never corrected her or responded to her statements, because I did not know how to respond - explain all my reasons for staying? tell her I did not know if I would leave at some point, or she might, or if she would ever cheat again, or if I might cheat. Still don't know.... but that's life isn't it ? Especially after the vows are broken.

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. I have two kids, one is older. Relationship issues from cheating to love have come up in their life or as questions to me. Its interesting when you have been affected by this and try to talk to them - or your WS does.

Edited January 17, 2016 by dichotomy

[aliveagain]

I do not see your answer as a punishment to your wife, but a true reflection that you still hurt. Your son's question to you was a trigger. You used humor to diffuse the question. Your answer to your wife reflected your continued insecurity with your marriage and was perhaps an unconscious way of letting your wife know you still do not feel secure. I know I felt insecure for years and I think my wife had thoughts that I may leave after the kids turned 18. Over the years, we moved two more times and each time we bought a new house I considered the divorce implications.

 

 

We actually had a similar conversation last night. We both knew divorce was on the table for years. The trust had not been completely restored. While I do not think you ever fully recover from this type of betrayal, you do eventually fully trust again and throw the divorce options out the window. We are both fully committed to our marriage, trust each other and more in love than ever. It has taken us years to get to this point. When I read the stories on here, people often expect quick results, things to return to normal in a fairly short amount of time. Healing takes years.

 

The truth is you will always hurt, the degree of hurt changes over the years even when you forgive. We never survived her affair and even though she has been gone from my life for years some degree of pain is still there. When I think of her even now my first thoughts are of the pain she caused before any thoughts of the good times we had can happen. I forgave her years ago but that doesn't change the reality of what she did to us. You never forget. I learned from that experience and do my best to not allow what happened between us affect new relationships. You never forget cheating behaviours and I do my best to point them out to others on LS.

[gettingstronger]

My husband was talking with my 16 year old about integrity last night- he rolled his eyes at his Dad (my boys know "something happened but they do not want to talk about it)- when I told him it was disrespectful to roll his eyes like that he said- you know Mom, integrity talks from Dad just call for an eye roll.

Its a tough thing when you bring infidelity in to your home, it spills over in to everything. We also talked that night and touched on some pretty heavy things including the "this may not be forever like we once thought" talk- and no, its not a threat, its reality and oh how my husband wishes he did not change my views on our marriage by cheating-

 

We all pay a price and its difficult to navigate-

[TrustedthenBusted]

Thanks All. As usual, lots to chew on. I always appreciate all perspectives, and usually walk away with a useful nugget.

 

Few things to clarify. My son wasn't really all that upset. He was being dramatic to the point of it being funny, so when he asked the question, it wasn't one of those scenarios where he was looking for a serious answer or a discussion. We've had those. Plenty of em. This was not one of those. He was being sort of a smartass with the question, so he got a smartass answer.

 

I do use humor a LOT in life, and in our home. I don't think it's disingenuous. I think it's a fun and easy way to sometimes address complicated issues. I also find that my kids pay more attention, and listen up better when I'm kidding around with them, rather than lecturing them or getting too heavy. I hear them repeat my funnier lessons to their friends using my comedic material verbatim, but never my stern material. So there's that.

 

On my wife's reaction. For those who don't know...we're like 6, almost 7 years past D-Day. So the pain is really gone at this point. The only thing left is the void where unconditional trust used to sit. So as mentioned somewhere along the way, this is the roommate that never moves out, or the stain that never quite comes out of the fabric.

 

So occasionally ( after a certain scene in a movie, or quip in a conversation, or inappropriate joke around the campfife ) my wife will ask me if the roommate is too much to bear.

 

It isn't. At least I don't think it is.

 

When I said " I don't know" what I think I meant was " I have no plans to leave when the kids turn any certain age. And I'm really trying to watch the game right now."

[MuddyFootprints]

Nooooo!

 

Please tell me you clarified and apologized, even if you think things returned to normal the next day.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Nooooo!

 

Please tell me you clarified and apologized, even if you think things returned to normal the next day.

 

That's what the whole conversation was actually about. Clarifying that I have no plans to leave or anything like that.

 

What was moved to front and center of the conversation was her wondering whether I trust her completely or not, as she views that as the linch-pin that holds our marriage together.

 

She knows I wouldn't leave over what already happened, but fears I will leave due to concern of it happening again.

 

This is something that half of me wants to just put to rest with comforting words about how I trust her completely again, and that another affair is the furthest thing from my mind.

 

But that's the thing... I just can't bring myself to say those words, because they aren't true, and never will be again. Even the Adams couple on here would probably agree that you can never say never. Not today, not 30 years from now. To do so would be to put back up the blinders that were so violently ripped off on D-Day.

 

So no. I didn't apologize. But I did make my position clear(er) to her, and in the best way I could.

 

I think she keeps trying the conversation out, hoping one day I will tell her I have 100% trust and confidence in her again.

 

I hope she learns to accept reality though. I have NEVER said that I specifically DON'T trust her. I have only ever said that I will never consider our marriage ( or anyone's marriage for that matter ) affair-proof again.

 

YOu hear it said all the time that trust is the foundation of a successful marriage. I now challenge that notion.

Edited January 19, 2016 by TrustedthenBusted

[Buckeye2]

I hope she learns to accept reality though. I have NEVER said that I specifically DON'T trust her. I have only ever said that I will never consider our marriage ( or anyone's marriage for that matter ) affair-proof again.

 

Put another way, your wife taught you that no one could be blindly trusted.

[Mrs. John Adams]

TTB....no marriage is affair-proof. I thought ours was...and I am sure you thought yours was...but the reality is...infidelity can happen to anyone.

 

I understand some of the insecurities your wife feels....because sometimes as way wards....we fear that our betrayed husbands will suddenly decide that they can no longer live with what we have done. Just like I am sure you and my john have moments where you fear that we could cheat again.

 

As time goes by....as you begin to grow more comfortable in your decision to stay together....the trust you are building together....will also feel more secure.

 

Once in a while...even 32 years later...john will say something cutting. He doesn't mean anything by it...but obviously...something was said or something that happened that caused his response. He has every right to those moments....and while it may sting for a second...i also see immediate softening in his eyes that says...where did that come from? ...and i know he was just as surprised as i was.

 

You did not mean to hurt her....and truly i think you handled it well. It is important to be honest and keep the lines of communication open...you want to be able to discuss those moments and to empathize with one another.

 

She is a lucky woman...and she knows it. I believe she is doing her part to prove to you she deserves that second chance you have given her.

 

Reconciliation is forever....it is an ongoing process...that lasts the rest of your lives....and it is worth it. We learn as we go......allow yourselves that.

You were not perfect before...you aren't perfect now. Hopefully the difference is....we have all learned to handle those imperfections with love and compassion.

 

Best of luck to you and your beautiful family.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

This is something that half of me wants to just put to rest with comforting words about how I trust her completely again, and that another affair is the furthest thing from my mind.

 

But that's the thing... I just can't bring myself to say those words, because they aren't true, and never will be again.

I think then just say, no, I won't ever really trust you completely ever again.

[MuddyFootprints]

.

When I said " I don't know" what I think I meant was " I have no plans to leave when the kids turn any certain age. And I'm really trying to watch the game right now."

 

If this is an accurate account, I think this is a statement worthy of reflection and an apology.

 

I'd have a difficult time having my concerns dismissed that way.

 

You're allowed to make mistakes and apologize for them, too.

[dichotomy]

its reality and oh how my husband wishes he did not change my views on our marriage by cheating-

 

We all pay a price and its difficult to navigate-

 

Nail on the head.