drenaline Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Hi Love shack! I'm a bit of a peculiar situation and have been needing good advice for quite some time now. I was with my ex for about 9 months. I know, not a lot, but we lived together for 7. Honestly I had never had an easier connection with anyone. We were very happy and in love (mutually) until he got involved with a religious institution. Now this is a smaller subsect of a broader religion. Many have called it a cult but I can't say for sure. What I do know is it changed him a lot. He slowly devoted more and more time to his temple and our relationship began to suffer as I started to feel like I was taking a back seat. Sure enough we broke up around Halloween. He's now decided he wants to go abroad for a couple years with them if he gets the opportunity. He once valued being a personal trainer, doing marathons for heart and stroke, his band and music and now his only love is his diety. He became a dull person and although once in a while his old personality would shine through as we spent the past few months hanging out as friends. Unfortunately we have fooled around a couple times which left me feeling hurt as he would come around one day as himself and the next as the cult personality. I had to tell him I can't deal any more for now because it's affecting my health. We cried and he feels awful and still wants me around but Im keeping back for now so I can heal. I know it's a long shot but we were perfect before the outside influence. I'm wondering if after some time without me he'll maybe wake up? I know either way I need to push on but I'm just wondering if there's any hope for the future. He's still an amazing guy just self admittedly messed up right now and unsure what he wants from life as he gets older. I would hate to think someone I had such an intense soul connected with won't be around. We both agreed it was the most intense we've ever had. I'm hoping his honeymoon phase with the group will wear off. Do I have any grounds to think that or am I just being naive?
still_an_Angel Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 It will be him who will make the decision to leave the cult if and when he's had enough. Being his lover is not enough to change his mind I'm afraid. It seems he's pretty engaged with the group and there's no timeline when he is able to see beyond the cloud that you see.
Author drenaline Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 That's what I've come to learn. Which is why I've stopped pressing all together. As I mentioned we're not currently speaking as per my request though I did receive well wishes yesterday. I'm just wondering if there's any sense in me having any form of hope for a better future between the two of us or if I should just forget he was ever a part of my life? I do value him as a person but when he goes through with abandoning his birth name for a temple one I'm not sure I'll be able to look at him the same way
mightycpa Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Buy a copy of the New Testament and leave it at his place. If he digs in, you'll know he's still searching for answers, and you have something to work with. If he badmouths it, you'll know he's drunk the Kool-Aid and it's time to go.
salparadise Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I'm just wondering if there's any sense in me having any form of hope for a better future between the two of us or if I should just forget he was ever a part of my life? No I don't think there is any sense in holding out hope. He chose a different path and continues to make that choice with full realization. Even if he came back after a few months, could it be even remotely the same relationship now that you know he's predisposed to joining religious cults? You don't have to forget that he was ever part of your life; remember and take what you can to become a wiser person with a better picker.
Nilfiry Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 From your point of view, he may be a dull person with his head in the clouds, but have you tried to see things from his point of view? This clearly seems to be something that is very important to him, especially if it tumps your relationship. Whether it is right or wrong, the more you try to press the matter, the more you are likely to risk damaging your relationship even further because faith is a volatile topic. The better and more respectful thing to do is to let him do as he wish, and if you still want to be with him, then you have to learn to adapt. You have to accept that his faith will probably always comes first, but if you cannot accept his changes then you should walk away. Talking sense is not always feasible in love because then no one would have problems, but it is something that only you can decide conclusively for yourself. There is always hope, but you have to ask yourself whether that is a gamble you are willing to accept. Is this person worth betting/wasting all of your time and effort on, even if you have to wait and abstain for years? Decades? Or would it be better to use that time to explore your options and find something better? Maybe discover someone you never knew could make you feel even more intense. One's time is limited and not something that can be taken back. However, it seems clearly to me that these changes are not something you can accept. You already have an inkling of the direction you want to take, so you just need to decisively push yourself in that direction. Letting things go may not always be easy, but you will be less stressed emotionally after you have readjusted to life without it.
Author drenaline Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 Oh I've definitely put myself in his shoes but please don't make this about respecting religion. I respect religion but the RCMP themselves have told me it's more of a cult group than true and true religion. I've done my research.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 A quick shout-out to my fellow Canuck! I caught your RCMP reference, OP. I live abroad now but am an Ontario girl through and through Anyways - Don't hold out hope, no. He has a different life plan if he's considering going abroad with them for an extended period too. He made a choice to prioritize his religious convictions over you and the relationship. That right there says you're not compatible, if he was so easily swayed. He doesn't place the same value on the relationship as you do, unfortunately. Can I ask how you met? In other words, did you know each other before you started dating? I ask because you moved in together quickly, so it's entirely possible you're getting to know the real him now.
Author drenaline Posted January 15, 2016 Author Posted January 15, 2016 Well, the general consensus seems to be to just let him go with his nuttery so I think I'll have to do that. We actually met through tinder. It's sad though because his friends and family made it clear i was the only person he's dated whom they've actually liked "ive never seen him so happy" is a direct quote, but no we didn't know eachother prior. It was just very fast an intense. When you know you know and we both knew up until they sunk his teeth in him. But it looks like ill be cutting my losses and forgetting that one happened lol
ExpatInItaly Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 Well, the general consensus seems to be to just let him go with his nuttery so I think I'll have to do that. We actually met through tinder. It's sad though because his friends and family made it clear i was the only person he's dated whom they've actually liked "ive never seen him so happy" is a direct quote, but no we didn't know eachother prior. It was just very fast an intense. When you know you know and we both knew up until they sunk his teeth in him. But it looks like ill be cutting my losses and forgetting that one happened lol Honestly, I don't really agree. At one point in my life, I would've. But with more life and relationship experience under my belt, I can say that it's not always true. A lot of us get caught up in the thrill and honeymoon phase. I say that because decisions made based on so little information about someone (2 months is very little n the grand scheme of things) are often hasty at best, ill-advised and detrimental to our well-being at worst. You barely knew him, and at 9 months you still are usually getting to know that person. The truth is that they wouldn't have been able to "get their teeth into him" if he hadn't allowed it. He's not some naive kid; he's an adult capable of making decisions, however crappy they seem. This is what he chose. You learned something important about his character and ultimate vision for the future here, which is why I would say it's in your best interest to just close this chapter. Chalk it up as a learning experience and take your time getting to really know someone before making a big commitment to them. Best of luck in the future!
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