My gf doesn't want me to move out in her apartment :(

[kryptoknight]

My gf and I are seeing each other for like 3 years now, shes 19 and Im 24. She is going to college and will be working part time. Once in a while we've talked about our wedding and future plans once we live together. Yesterday she told me that she wants to move out of her parents house and move by herself in an apartment. I suggested that I want to move out with her so we can both share the rent bills and save up, since I work full time and still living with my parents. She keeps on insisting that she wants to have an oppurtunity to live by her self and spend time grow on her own space. She also mentioned that shes still young and doesn't like the Idea of going home everyday with me together. I felt that she is not looking forward of spending the rest of her life with me anymore and I have this feeling that living with her would make her life borring. I felt upset about her reasons and I want to ask her, whats the point of looking forward to our wedding and future if she doesn't want me to move out with her? She also told me that I was the reason why she wants to have kids and start a family.

 

I know that she loves me, but is she still too young to be in a situation where we both live together even if we are not married yet?

[LucreziaBorgia]

The two of you cannot stand together if one of you can't stand on his own. It doesn't sound like she wants 'space' away from you - it sounds like she wants to establish her own space: period. I can totally understand wanting to get on her own and experiencing what its like to live on her own, in her own space - and take time to figure out herself and her boundaries in the context of living by herself. Yes, its pretty practical to split the rent or whatnot - but she may see it as going from one place where she was in the context of 'part of a group' to moving into an apartment as 'part of a couple'. It may well be that she wants to see what its like to be on her own.

 

There is no need to make the future an obligation - moving out and on your own brings a lot of changes to a person: self sufficiency, building of personal boundaries, self-exploration, learning to be alone without being lonely - all things that both of you need to be well experienced in before you decide to move in together. There is nothing that says you can't see her often from the comfort of your own place - which you may want to consider yourself, even if it is with a roommate that isn't her.

 

Pressuring her to sacrifice a chance at personal growth and being on her own this early on, just because you are afraid of a dim future will cause her to build some resentment toward you, and a long slow emotional distancing from the relationship in general.

[scarlyjones]

Oh, honey,.....its ok,....I think that its perfectly normal for her to want to have her OWN space for a while. I also think that its perfectly normal for you to be hurt by this. Normal,...but not right. Im sure she loves you. Im guessing with you being 24, you've lived on your own in an apartment or college or SOMEWHERE, right? Well, she just wants that experience. Thats all. I think its very healthy for any future relationship, to have had that experience. If it were anything else, you would have felt threatened. Change is threatening. If someone changes a major aspect of their life while in a relationship, it always throws off the other person in some way. Especially living situation change. Shes only 19. I know you MAY not want to hear this, but, its a possibility. She may not know that she wants to marry you yet. 19 is young. She isnt really even considered an adult yet in alot of ways. "Experience"... being the #1 way. This is a coming of age type thing,...this wanting to have her own place. That is completely normal. Its got nothing to with you actually. Its got everything to do with her showing her parents, the rest of the world, and most of all herself,...that she can be responsible. That she can be an asset to the world and not a liability. I think we all would be better people had we all had the opportunity to live on our own. This is a good thing. Dont go CAUSING problems by getting in the way of this. You have the power here to make or break your relationship. Sounds like shes headstrong about doing this. Which means she will no matter what. So you had better get on board or there could be trouble. You can make huge points by being mister supportive,....or you can sabotage your relationship by secretly hoping she fails,...which will show in your behavior. 19 is too young to be married anyways. Let her blossom. If you two share TRUE love,...she will be there in a couple of years still ready to marry you and move in!! Good luck, sweetie ! Its soooo totally not as bad as you think. If at all.

[scarlyjones]

One more thing I thought of after the fact,...............I have known alot of GF's of mine that went from daddy's little girl in the parents home,....right to marriage. Never had a chance to live out on their own. ALot of the time this takes a toll on their minds. They get bored and start wondering what could have been. What might have been. If only they had that chance. This sometimes leads to the wife MAJORLY resenting her husband. Then they start looking the "D" word in the face. Now,.....if the wife in any of these cases was a stay at home Mom or housewife........they dont have anything to fall back on in life if they get a divorce. Which means they must "take her husband to the cleaners" in the divorce to make sure she has $ to live. Sorry guys. Thats the truth. This way of thinking is called in recovery systems as "Playing the tape all the way through". Decisions like this must be analyzed all way to their possible failure or successes,.. so as to be planned accordingly. Just food for thought.

[kryptoknight]

Thank you both for the advice and clearing out some of her point of views. It just hits me in a negative way when she told me that "going home everyday with me is not something shes looking forward to and she also said that it will be borring". That bothers me, because I want to live with her and share my space and all the things I have. I don't find my life borring going home everyday with someone I love. But I guess she wants to live with me but not at this stage in life. I've been very supportive to her and always there whenever she needs me.

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by kryptoknight

It just hits me in a negative way when she told me that "going home everyday with me is not something shes looking forward to and she also said that it will be borring". That bothers me, .

 

DUDE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!,...............shes 19.

 

Paying bills to her is boring.

ANYTHING that doesnt involve partying,....drinking,.....shopping,...hanging out,....theme parks,..the mall,...Brad Pitt,....is boring.

 

THATS WHY YOU LET HER DO THIS NOW. Get it out of her system.

 

If you are worried that this will somehow lead her to cheat on you or something,...well I got news for you,......living WITH her wouldnt stop that. If she is,....she is. And its good to find out NOW if shes the cheating type. Rather than later when she can take you to the cleaners in a divorce. Remember,.....women "lead the league" in most testicles held in purse pockets.

[sky81]

Wow, hey man, I completely share your thoughts and feelings on this matter.

 

I'm 24, like you and I've been in a relationship for 10 months with a fantastic girl, who is 17.

 

I just graduated college and she just graduated high school.

 

Before anyone says anything about cradle robbing and the age difference and so forth.. let me first say that I do have my limits, that I do not like "little girls", and I was rather cautious when I first met her due to her age. However she's the first girl that hasn't lied to me about her age, and as I got to know her better I felt she was much more mature for her age then most high school girls. She acts like she is 19 or so... so I guess it's kinda the same with you.

 

I am very open-minded and so is she but we still have a lot of traditional values. I'm atheistic and more rational then emotional whereas she is a Jehovahs Witness and more emotional then rational. So we kinda fit like the ying-yang, we're the necessary balance in each other's lives.

 

Anyway, more to the point about what you said that your girlfriend wants to live on her own. My girlfriend now wants to live by herself, in a completely different state and 2,000 miles away from her "to have her own experiences". I'm living in Maine, and she's from Maine too, but she has a lot of family in Florida, so that's where she wants to move to live for a few months.

 

Like you I was also hurt very much by this sudden change of plans, because we had been planning to be together after we both graduated early - as a matter of fact she graduated high school early "to help our relationship" she said. I feel bad now because I don't know if I pressured her too much to graduate early or not, and I have told her before (while she was still in high school) that I was sorry for that and I will support her if she wants to stay another year in high school to have the usual "senior year experience". Well, she decided herself to graduate early anyway. One of her good friends is also in a similar situation with a 24 year old guy, and also graduated early. I've met her and she's extremely mature, don't let my girlfriend see this, but probably more mature then my girlfriend, heh!

 

After she graduated, she came and stayed with me in my apartment for about 5 days. We both agreed to this because we knew it would be a great test if we could live together or not. During that time I got the feeling she was always so bored, because she comes from a very dramatic family that could make a huge drama scene out of nothing. Her mom is extremely crazy and I have to deal with that and it pisses me off a lot, but I get the feeling her mom provides her with "something to do" in her life, cause I know she's not bored when she's at home. Her mom makes everything overly dramatic and it's really annoying. She also likes to interfere in out relationship a lot.

 

Now she wants to move to Florida and support herself. At first I was really hurt cause she kept emphasizing that she wanted space, and I knew that she meant she wanted space from me. I was taking it too personally. I know it's good for her though to experience her own things, have her own job, and experience some kind of independence to find out who she is - just like I had the chance to do when I went to college. I don't want to deprive her of that chance, but I guess I am worried about one thing and that is during all of this partying and so forth she will meet some other guy.

 

Oh, by the way, she's moving into her brother's house in Florida - not exactly 100% independence. I've told her that it's a lot different living by yourself, and living with your family, even though she is out of her parents house when she moves to Florida. Am I being wrong for thinking that living with any part of her family won't help her to be more independent, or is it OK to live at her brother's house temporarily while having a job, etc?

 

Wow, reading your post has really helped me out a lot in my relationship. We had a huge discussion last night and our relationship is hanging in the balance at this point. This living apart from me 2,000 miles away isn't the only issue, there are some other issues, but I have a feeling that living on her own will help her resolve her other issues with me as she will see what I have had to deal with.

 

So she's gunna go to Florida, I'm gunna go to Maine, and we'll see what happens after a few months.