Should I quit this RS?

[Samuel_22]

Hi,

I just wanna know if my reasons are legit, to quit this RS. Please those who know the story, don't criticize me for getting involved in the RS in the first place.

For those who don't, after my break up about 6 months ago, I was adamant that starting another RS would be as poisonous as hell. However, despite numerous warnings by LS members and my lack of motive for this new RS, I finally gave in to a woman who had offered to make friends with me, claiming she was really into me. Now 3 weeks later, here I am, and I am either paranoid and pessimistic about my most recent break up or I am living with all true red flags. Here is how things are at the moment

* I am the one who always needs to start a conversation, and puts all the effort to keep the conversation going.

Negatives

* If I don't start a conversation, she just shows up, and complains about my not reaching out.

* Sometimes she disappears into thin air, and does not reply to my message, then after 3-4 hours, she calls and complains about my not reaching out for her, when I tell her she was the one who did not answer, she swears she did not see my message

* Despite all my efforts to get to know her, her hobbies, her faviourite leisure activities, foods, plans for the future, she has hardly ever tried to know more about me

* I asked her once about going out, she said she would like to, and we would as soon as she can manage her time

* She always falls asleep at nights while texting.

Positives

* I am trying to show that I don't care, and I don't want to seem needy/clingy at all, once when she asked me why I didn't reach out, and I said it takes two to tango, she said, she would never lose me, or do things to hurt me, indeed she always says that, whenever she faces my objections, she says she is serious about this RS

* Eye contacts are even better comparing to initial days, I sometimes feel ashamed about the way she stares into my eyes at work

Confusion

I don't know if she is really into me or not. I am ready to end the RS, and won't regret it, I feel I am always on the wrong side of the door, when I was single, I wanted a partner, now I just want to be alone. Nonetheless, if I know for a reason she is really into this RS and those negatives are only a part of her characteristic, I won't mind going on.

My thought

She can be involved in another RS, this is how I justify it. For a girl that beautiful, it wouldn't surprise me, if I hear this is the case. In the mean time she wants to keep me around, since I think she does not get the attention from the other end. This conspiracy theory is merely a wild guess. I have outlived that episode of my life to care about these things or losing a beautiful girl. I don't even care if another BU is in the cards, not after what my ex whom I was in love with did to me. I just don't want to waste my time and money, since my goals are more important for me at the moment.

Edited January 14, 2016 by Samuel_22

[mightycpa]

Two things, Samuel.

 

1) You don't need legit reasons to break up. If it doesn't work for you, doesn't feel right, whatever, you're perfectly entitled to break up. It might make you something of an ******* sometimes, but that's perfectly fine. It's your life and no one else's. This is true whether you've been together 3 years, and especially true if it's only been three weeks.

 

2) You seem to have a lot of relationship trouble. I would suggest that you date a lot of girls at the same time, not just one, and don't try and find the love of your life just yet. Just go out, bang a few girls, have some fun, and learn how to be around women by hanging around a lot of them. Don't get sucked in to all this serious stuff. You're clearly not ready, not equipped to be in serious relationships. That's ok, and it is perfectly curable. Do this, and in a few short years of incredibly good times, you'll find yourself to be more thoughtful, more choosy and more prepared to keep healthy relationships, and discard unhealthy ones. It will help you attain what you have so much trouble finding today.

[Miss Peach]

I agree with Mightcpa that you don't need a 'reason' to break up with someone.

 

I would suggest making a list of your must haves and can't stands. Eharmony wrote a nice article on this but LS rules are really odd about posting links from non-academic sites. Figure out what YOU want and what your deal breakers are. THEN figure out if she matches them. If you don't know I would go on a few dates with different women to see what you like and dislike about each of them. That way you can dial down on what it is you want and will know it when you see it. THEN you can put effort into a relationship.

[Miss Peach]

I also suggest reading Natalie Lue's blog and/or books. She really helped me see what a healthy relationship looks like. The writings are gender neutral but there are some male regulars on there. These types of behaviors (i.e., not talking, being flaky, words and actions not matching) are not gender specific IME. I see them in both sexes.

[Samuel_22]

Two things, Samuel.

 

1) You don't need legit reasons to break up. If it doesn't work for you, doesn't feel right, whatever, you're perfectly entitled to break up. It might make you something of an ******* sometimes, but that's perfectly fine. It's your life and no one else's. This is true whether you've been together 3 years, and especially true if it's only been three weeks.

 

2) You seem to have a lot of relationship trouble. I would suggest that you date a lot of girls at the same time, not just one, and don't try and find the love of your life just yet. Just go out, bang a few girls, have some fun, and learn how to be around women by hanging around a lot of them. Don't get sucked in to all this serious stuff. You're clearly not ready, not equipped to be in serious relationships. That's ok, and it is perfectly curable. Do this, and in a few short years of incredibly good times, you'll find yourself to be more thoughtful, more choosy and more prepared to keep healthy relationships, and discard unhealthy ones. It will help you attain what you have so much trouble finding today.

You know my problem, has always been, ''Don't break any hearts'' I have always practiced ''Monogamy'' even when I was a teenager, when my friends used to mingle with a dozen girls. I have become tougher through years, and I have learned a couple of things from each RS I have entered. I have a feeling something is not right about this RS. do you think I should talk to her before pulling the trigger? or do you believe this is another attempt in vain?

[mightycpa]

You know my problem, has always been, ''Don't break any hearts'' I have always practiced ''Monogamy'' even when I was a teenager, when my friends used to mingle with a dozen girls. I have become tougher through years, and I have learned a couple of things from each RS I have entered. I have a feeling something is not right about this RS. do you think I should talk to her before pulling the trigger? or do you believe this is another attempt in vain?

:laugh:

 

Get over yourself. You may disappoint someone every once in a while, or anger them, but breaking hearts is a lot harder than it sounds. You've really got to BE SOMEBODY to them to break someone's heart. I think your trouble is rooted in being afraid to get off of the training wheels. You're just hurting yourself, acting like a teenager when you should be dealing with women like a man. And frankly, that's what they will expect from you, and when they get to know you and find you wanting in that respect? You'll wonder why it always seems to go wrong just when you two were becoming close. It's because that's when they get to know the real you.

 

Put on your cantaloupe skin, Sam. Women are tough. Somehow, someway, they'll learn to get along without you when you say "no thanks" after dating them for a while. Believe me. They do it all the time.

 

As to this one, I wouldn't know, except to say that the mere fact you're asking these kinds of questions means that it's likely to fail in the long run. If you're not sure, and you think there's potential, then trust me. Keep going out with her, and find another one too. You'll find that you'll start to treat this one differently, better in fact.

[quattrob]

Seems like the only thing that's keeping you from breaking up is her "beauty" and her "words". Both of these aren't very strong reasons to keep going on with the RS. Think of the way she makes you feel, your examples of her not responding to your texts and then try to blame it on you and give you some BS excuse. I'm sorry to say if you accept those things it's not love, you might think it is but you will gain no respect from her and in fact you enable her to control you and use you for her own selfish needs.

 

 

I suggest you end this RS with this girl as it doesn't look promising at all. You'll find someone else that is not just beautiful on the outside but more importantly the inside as well.

[Blanco]

If you hadn't start another thread about this "relationship," people could see that as recently as 10 days ago, you two weren't even really an item.

 

Honestly, you both sound needy. You still sound uncomfortable being single and are willing to settle for slop, even if you have a sinking feeling that you don't like it too much.

 

She, on the other hand, is already looking needy without showing much consideration for your own needs. She gets irritated that you aren't arbitrarily starting text conversations, yet she herself will disappear for hours on end when you do start conversations? On top of that, she's shown little interest in getting to know more about you.

 

I don't see the draw here. Are you positive she wasn't with that co-worker? To me, she sounds like the type who needs to always be with someone, even if she's not necessarily that into it. That would explain why she's not much interested in knowing more about who you are. You're just a warm body to her; someone to text (when she feels like it); a theoretical lifeline so she can reassure herself that she's got "someone."

 

Perhaps I'm projecting, but almost nothing you've described about this woman sounds worth the hassle.

[Miss Peach]

I don't see the draw here.

 

It sounds to me like the draw is one of two things. Either he likes the drama or he's a people pleaser.

 

OP - If you have had a lot of these types of relationships I would look at yourself. A lot of people who are not emotionally available tend to want relationships with others because they sub conscientiously know they are not capable of it themselves. If you find emotionally unavailable, high drama types, then this means you must want this on some level. If this isn't what you want then start making different decisions.

 

If you tend to be a people please both Natalie Lue's writings and the book "no more Mr. Nice Guy" might be good reading.

 

Also, there's nothing wrong with just going out on 1-3 dates or meeting women and talking to them. I think it's actually good because it helps give you a sense of what you like and don't like. That way you get into relationships with women where you have a chance and know when to leave when it's not what you want.

[Blanco]

I just finished No More Mr. Nice Guy and it's incredible. I saw a lot of myself in there. It's astounding how it's already affected how I interpret a lot of the threads and posts I read from guys on here.

 

And truthfully, I see a LOT of that with the OP and his various romantic situations.

 

Dump this girl and use the time you would've wasted trying to text her. and instead, read this book.

[Samuel_22]

If you hadn't start another thread about this "relationship," people could see that as recently as 10 days ago, you two weren't even really an item.

 

Honestly, you both sound needy. You still sound uncomfortable being single and are willing to settle for slop, even if you have a sinking feeling that you don't like it too much.

 

She, on the other hand, is already looking needy without showing much consideration for your own needs. She gets irritated that you aren't arbitrarily starting text conversations, yet she herself will disappear for hours on end when you do start conversations? On top of that, she's shown little interest in getting to know more about you.

 

I don't see the draw here. Are you positive she wasn't with that co-worker? To me, she sounds like the type who needs to always be with someone, even if she's not necessarily that into it. That would explain why she's not much interested in knowing more about who you are. You're just a warm body to her; someone to text (when she feels like it); a theoretical lifeline so she can reassure herself that she's got "someone."

 

Perhaps I'm projecting, but almost nothing you've described about this woman sounds worth the hassle.

Her father is dying of cancer at a hospital, she had not told me this because she did not want to sadden me for reasons I don't know, we went to the hospital today, after I confronted her and told her what I wanted in a RS. I made everything clear, we had a long long discussion and finally burst into tears and told me why she was not keeping up. At the hospital she cried for hours, and I was really ashamed.

I am not a nice guy, I am nice to those who have not shown the potential to hurt me. If they do I am just as hurtful myself.

 

I have had the opportunity to be with other ladies, I have a problem of being too picky when it comes to girls, and it feels like I always make a mess of it by choosing the wrong one, I declined 6 offers since 6 months ago when I broke up with my ex, but gave in to this one. You may think it is easy, but when you deal with maybe 200 girls a day (I am a teacher) and find yourself only interested in 1 and after 6 solid months, then you will see the picture I see.

 

I am going to continue, and keep an eye on my emotions, my last RS was the second drama in my life, so no I am not looking for drama, I am looking for genuine love, and it seems it is non existent, not what we see in Hollywood, not such a thing

Edited January 15, 2016 by Samuel_22

[mightycpa]

Yeah, don't look for love. It doesn't want to be found. Go have fun instead. Make some girl friends. Bang a few, some of them will be up for it. Not all, but some. Forget about finding love, just enjoy and treat all the girls nicely, because they deserve it, not because you want something in return. Become very comfortable with that. Disappoint some girls with your disinterest, it's ok. You might have to actually break a heart to fully understand. Be comfortable and content being you, and only you. Then, and only then, love will find you.

 

I can't tell you how many times I've seen that happen. The only thing that I've seen more is what happens to people when they go searching for a relationship and love. You're living that familiar old story.

[Samuel_22]

Yeah, don't look for love. It doesn't want to be found. Go have fun instead. Make some girl friends. Bang a few, some of them will be up for it. Not all, but some. Forget about finding love, just enjoy and treat all the girls nicely, because they deserve it, not because you want something in return. Become very comfortable with that. Disappoint some girls with your disinterest, it's ok. You might have to actually break a heart to fully understand. Be comfortable and content being you, and only you. Then, and only then, love will find you.

 

I can't tell you how many times I've seen that happen. The only thing that I've seen more is what happens to people when they go searching for a relationship and love. You're living that familiar old story.

Interesting, I was thinking about the exact same thing last night, I mean why not, I wanna forget about love, just go around and have fun, love may find me or not, but at least in the end, when I look back, I have had a lot of fun, no love? who cares! thank you! this community has changed the way I look at things, in my current RS, I feel I am in control, at least this is a big change since my last RS, I am not attached to the other person, so I can let go whenever she wants to go....so I am currently doing fine, but I will check my emotions, day in day out... I wanna have everything, including my emotions under my control this time

[Samuel_22]

Well, I did it! I was not enjoying the RS, she was too moody and I was completely clueless around her, I was thinking of your words all the time, why should I continue something I take no pleasure in?

 

I sent 2 messages in the morning, received a cliche' ''thank you honey'' response, whereas my 1st message which had the potential of being discussed for hours was left completely unanswered. Then I decided to ghost for a while to see if anything happens at all. at 10:30 P.M she called me, I did not respond, 10 minutes later I sent a message, said I had left my cellphone at home, and called her back. Her cellphone was busy from 10:30 to 11:15 non-stop. Then she called me again, I answered the phone, asked her about her day and where she were, and that I was worried about her, she only said, she was angry at her parent, so I told her, I did not want to continue the RS, I told her, no matter what I do, I can't understand her at all... so that's it...I am back to my favorite being alone zone again

[mightycpa]

There you go! Step 1, out and done.

 

Have any single, male friends of the same age? Seek them out, or make some, as the case may be. Friendship is key to a good life, women in it or no.

 

Have any single, female friends of the same age? Seek them out too. As long as you don't screw their close friends over with double dealing, they can be and will remain a great source of social activities and meeting new women.

 

Do you do stuff? I don't know what... sports? Hobby? Concerts? Something? It's a place to start.

 

Hey, have fun out there. And remember, take it a little slow with the next one, and don't jump into exclusivity right away. That's the kiss of death to healthy relationships with women.

 

Make plans to host a party at your place in six months. You'll need lots of friends and acquaintances to make it a success. Start working on your guest list now. Hell, you might even be able to invite the recent dropee, if things cool off by then. Maybe she's got a friend, you know?

 

The glass is always at least half full, and your job is to drink from it. Remember that.

 

Drop in from time to time, and let us know how you're doing. Good luck!

[Samuel_22]

There you go! Step 1, out and done.

 

Have any single, male friends of the same age? Seek them out, or make some, as the case may be. Friendship is key to a good life, women in it or no.

 

Have any single, female friends of the same age? Seek them out too. As long as you don't screw their close friends over with double dealing, they can be and will remain a great source of social activities and meeting new women.

 

Do you do stuff? I don't know what... sports? Hobby? Concerts? Something? It's a place to start.

 

Hey, have fun out there. And remember, take it a little slow with the next one, and don't jump into exclusivity right away. That's the kiss of death to healthy relationships with women.

 

Make plans to host a party at your place in six months. You'll need lots of friends and acquaintances to make it a success. Start working on your guest list now. Hell, you might even be able to invite the recent dropee, if things cool off by then. Maybe she's got a friend, you know?

 

The glass is always at least half full, and your job is to drink from it. Remember that.

 

Drop in from time to time, and let us know how you're doing. Good luck!

All the things I have done in the past, got me nowhere. I wanna follow your tips this time, I don't know I have a feeling you are right, I don't wanna be self-sacrificing any more, especially when I see women have a bad habit of victimizing others, and they show no dignity in doing so, so why should I? I have paid my share for humanity, and enough is enough... Who says that I have to be the good guy all the time? I would, had people around me been the same.

 

I am gonna make plans to enjoy my life even more! Thank you for your help!

[Miss Peach]

I spent quite a few years wanting to be in relationships but not finding the right guys. The secret is that you have to get to the point you like your life (and you) as-is without the relationship. Then all the crappy relationships aren't as tempting. Eventually you'll find one that fits well into your life.

 

And don't lose the ability to be a good guy. I went out with guy after guy looking for a good, sane, thoughtful guy. The difference is that a lot of nice guys think that being nice is bending to her every whim, being self-sacrificing, etc. as you did in this rs. They misunderstand that many women also want the guy who can take charge, who can set boundaries, and who had confidence in himself and choices.