Natalie8 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) So I finally went on a date with a guy i have been messaging with for almost a month - was away for holidays etc so couldnt do it earlier. My nerves got the better of me and i had a few drinks b4 the date and quite a few more during the date. We were out from the early afternoon until midnight. Had a blast, laughed so much, had great chemistry, he complimented me a lot, was a gentlemen. He is pretty shy, in the beginning he couldnt even look me in the eye. I had to prompt me to kiss me a few hours in. After that he didnt stop. He got drunk as well and shared stuff about his dad who passed away. He told me he was very nervous about meeting me and so happy about how we are both having fun and have lots in common. Anyways, i rarely drink, i can go months without it, but when i do, i go overboard. I became a bit weird. Inviting him back to mine but making it clear the sex was off the table. He was a gentlemen and didnt push anything in bed. But in my stupid drunk state i started feeling him up during the night which freaked him out. We only kissed nothing else happened. I basically i was giving totally mixed messages. In the morning he was cuddly but distant. A few days later we communicated everything in texts- me apologising, him telling me he is feeling weirded out and put off by my sexual agression. I explained about my nerves and that i dont normally take guys home and i told him i would like to see him but i understand if he is too turned off. His reply: "thank you for being honest with me. I know you are not normally like this, it was just nerves and attraction and alcohol. I am not holding any of this against you and now that we had a honest talk im not turned off of you and would like to meet again. I would hate for us to end on a bad note. It is great that we can communicate and be honest and we should stay like this to avoid future problems. Im glad we swiped the slate clean and now start fresh. :)" I said i was glad and agree with the honesty part etc. He made no effort to set up another date. I said "so we are ok? I will see you again?" Him " yes, we are cool And will have another date. Possibly Fri or Sun. " I felt weird that he didnt ask which day just told me kije this but i responded with "sunday us goid for me".His last message " ok, we will sort something over the next few days. Im off to bed. Night." I find his messages a bit abrupt and like he is not very interested in setting up the date. I dont want to reach out and ask about the time and venue because i want to see if he takes the initiative. I worry he wont though. That he is still turned off despite his nice long message above. What should i do? Edited January 14, 2016 by Natalie8
Erik30 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) Everything is fine. He wouldn't have sent that message if he lost interest. He was also trying to take the lead by giving you two options. If think if he was turned off, he would be more vague and say something like "lets do this again some time." Just wait till you hear from him to make definate plans. Like you said, it's a good plan to see if he reaches out again. You'll have your answer soon enough. Edited January 14, 2016 by Erik30 3
Author Natalie8 Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 Everything is fine. He wouldn't have sent that message if he lost interest. He was also trying to take the lead by giving you two options. If think if he was turned off, he would be more vague and say something like "lets do this again some time." Just wait till you hear from him to make definate plans. Like you said, it's a good plan to see if he reaches out again. You'll have your answer soon enough. Thanks. I hope you are right. It is just the fact that after we "made up" in text he didnt try to set up another date. I had to reach out. I dont know if i have the patience to see if he gets back to confirm time and place. I hate this waiting..
Leucine Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) The waiting always sucks but you learn to deal with it when you've been blown off for being clingy on enough occasions and realise that it doesn't bring you any better success. Edited January 14, 2016 by Leucine
Lois_Griffin Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I think he's just being kind. don't be surprised if he does the slow fade. 1
smudge21 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 His level of openness and honesty should be something you feel happy about. So many people just bottle things up but the fact he felt so close to you to say all that says a lot. People do get nervous on dates and react differently, but it's all about learning about the new person in your life. At least with that level of honesty you both know that should either of you make a boob in the future, you can at least just talk about it and move on. I'd be putting my money on him being happy to see you again soon, but wanting to take it slower, maybe avoiding the drink for a while too 2
lilmissjava Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I don't know, when I read his response, I think because you were both engaged into a deep conversation, he was just being polite. As another poster said, don't be surprised if/when he does the slow fade. Now you know what not to do on a first date, especially inviting a stranger (you don't really know someone over text and messaging mediums) back to your house and saying one thing, but doing another. If he does set up another date, suggest a lunch/midday date. 1
Author Natalie8 Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) Thanks everyone for the responses. What i put here was more of a summary of his response. It was a lot longer than this. I understand when some of you said you feel he was being polite when he said it is ok and understands it was alcohol and he doesnt think that i take every guy home on the first date. Yes, it would make sense for him to say this since i apologised and he knew i was mortified so he felt a bit sorry for me. However , would he be just kind and polite and say he wants us to see each other again and that in the future we should carry on being honest if he didnt mean it? What he wrote regarding honesty and communication was word by word this: "I think one thing we can do more to avoid future problems is always communicate openly and be nothing but honest with each other about how we feel. Im glad we had this convo and talked things through and now the slate is wiped clean and we can start fresh. Smiley face" Does it sound like him just being polite and feeling sorry for me and wanting to be kind? Cos this part of his message really gave me hope. Edited January 14, 2016 by Natalie8
smudge21 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Keep him to his word and start afresh. He may totally understand how you feel and therefore the only way to know for sure is come the next date. You may be doing what all of us do in this situation and that's over think things. I personally see a nice guy who's being open and honest, so just be the same with him. 2
lilmissjava Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 You shouldn't put your life on hold while you wait for a date request. How excruciating is that? Keep living your life and if he contacts you with a date and time for your next meeting, that's great. If not, move along. 1
Author Natalie8 Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 You shouldn't put your life on hold while you wait for a date request. How excruciating is that? . Very... Life is not on hold but i like to know where i stand. Even if it is bad news. Uncertanity is the worst.
MightyQuinn Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Thanks. I hope you are right. It is just the fact that after we "made up" in text he didnt try to set up another date. I had to reach out. I dont know if i have the patience to see if he gets back to confirm time and place. I hate this waiting.. He might just be a little more relaxed about his planning. For now, he knows you've planned to spend time together on Sunday, and may follow-up with plans when he has an idea for what to do, or may ask you for ideas. My Guy and I are both this way for many of our dates (not all of them), we're bad at making plans. We figure out how our schedules match up and declare a time/day we'll spend together, and usually don't make real plans on what to do until the day before or even day-of. So for example, on Sunday we made plans to see each other Tuesday. And Tuesday afternoon we were texting each other about what we thought we might want to do that night. On the flip side, we've been talking for a week about our plans for Saturday: He's taking me to his home town to go sledding down the hill he sledded on when he was a kid, then warming up at the local coffee house/bakery. Now if you don't hear anything... And Sunday comes and goes, and you don't see him... Then I would maybe consider what Lois_Griffin said: He might just be being nice instead of honest. 1
Qboro90 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Very... Life is not on hold but i like to know where i stand. Even if it is bad news. Uncertanity is the worst. You can always go on the offensive and ask him. That way you find out if he was just being polite or if he does want to see you again. "Hey what's up, dinner/movie on Saturday?" Is simple enough. Also in the future, hold back on apologizing so much if you think you behaved poorly or not in your character during a date. Once is ok, but the more you point out how "unlike you" something is, the bigger a deal you make it when it doesn't need to be. Now it's this huge talk you guys had after 1 date and that might not bode well for you and him going forward. 1
Robratory Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 i like to know where i stand. Even if it is bad news. Uncertanity is the worst. Yes, but uncertainty often cannot be prevented, and attempts to eliminate it can come across as socially inappropriate and thus off-putting. If I'm getting any red flags, it's not about you but about him. He actually told you he was weirded out by your sexual aggression? But you actually weren't even sexually aggressive. You invited him to your place but made clear it was not for sex. Anyway, worry less. So you two got drunker than usual, but normal people don't bolt over little things like that. When they do, it's all for the best because they'll be nothing but trouble later on. Just wait and see what develops.
Author Natalie8 Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 You can always go on the offensive and ask him. That way you find out if he was just being polite or if he does want to see you again. "Hey what's up, dinner/movie on Saturday?" Is simple enough. . This way i wont find out if he was going to take the initiative and get back to me with a time and place. Im pretty sure if i came up with a time and place he would agree but i want him to want it too. I dont want to go to a date and sit there and think that it only happened cos i made it happen and he just went along. I didnt want to make a big deal. Actually in the morning we woke up in bed he chuckled a bit and told me that i felt him up at night while he slept. I thought he might tease me about this whole thing- me getting drunk, being very full on etc- in the future but i didnt think he would feel weirded out. I told my guy housemate and he just laughed, said this guy is pretty sensitive if he gets so serious about such things. I didnt want to make a big deal but he basically told me didnt know where to go from here as he feels unsure about my mixed messages. So i had to put in a really proper apology.
Author Natalie8 Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 If I'm getting any red flags, it's not about you but about him. He actually told you he was weirded out by your sexual aggression? But you actually weren't even sexually aggressive. You invited him to your place but made clear it was not for sex. . Ah, i was. It is embarassing ..but i kept putting my hands in his pants. Then when he tried the same i pushed him away. I vaguely remembered this and he confirmed it in the messsage.
Qboro90 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 This way i wont find out if he was going to take the initiative and get back to me with a time and place. Im pretty sure if i came up with a time and place he would agree but i want him to want it too. I dont want to go to a date and sit there and think that it only happened cos i made it happen and he just went along. I didnt want to make a big deal. Actually in the morning we woke up in bed he chuckled a bit and told me that i felt him up at night while he slept. I thought he might tease me about this whole thing- me getting drunk, being very full on etc- in the future but i didnt think he would feel weirded out. I told my guy housemate and he just laughed, said this guy is pretty sensitive if he gets so serious about such things. I didnt want to make a big deal but he basically told me didnt know where to go from here as he feels unsure about my mixed messages. So i had to put in a really proper apology. You're over analyzing this way to much. If you ask him to get together and he says yes, then that's all you need to know. He wouldn't hang out with you if he didn't want to. If you guys end up seeing each other down the line then what does it matter who asked who out on the 2nd date? The mind games and wanting him to do this or that so you feel better about this or that is useless at this point. Do you like him? Do you want to see him again? If both are yes then make it happen. Don't wait for the things you want in life. Go get them.
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