every girl I dated had a backup guy...wtf

[GravityMan]

A substantial percentage of both men and women will already have someone new lined up (or at least find someone new quickly) when they break up with their ex. It's pretty common. Kinda similar to how most people don't leave their current jobs until they have a new one lined up.

 

It's a bit weird for the OP to get all bothered by this, unless the woman is actually cheating during an established relationship (i.e. beyond the "dating" phase). Many attractive and decent people are social, get out of the house regularly, and have diverse circles consisting of both genders (and meet new people rather easily). So unless the breakup is at the end of a long relationship and a healing period is needed...it's pretty much normal for someone to already have someone new lined up right away or soon after. Most decent and attractive adults do not remain single for very long periods of time.

 

The above isn't quite the same thing as having an actual "backup" or "orbiter", but it's close enough.

[Woggle]

My wife has male friends but she is smart enough to know the difference between a real and genuine friend and an orbiter looking for one weak moment to go in for the kill. She cuts the latter right out of her life.

[phineas]

Every even remotely desirable guy I have ever met has a number of back up girls at any point. Contrary to popular LS opinion, there is no difference between guys and girls in that respect.

 

Yep.

I have known women who are just waiting for a guy's GF to screw up and him to dump her so she can move in.

[lino]

I've never known any woman who didn't employ this tactic.

I've been the 'back up/stepping stone' guy way more times than I've been the 'primary' guy

 

The sad truth is that many women simply don't know how to and can't handle being genuinely alone.

You can see it on this board as well. There are women on here who have been serially dating for years now. Literally living out a sex and the city lifestyle.

 

I can count on one hand the amount of women I've ever known or even heard of who've gone years without any intimacy yet there are scores of men like that around.

 

Look at this forum for proof.

 

Never be friends with a woman you want to date, but you can be friends with women that you don't want to date.

 

Well said.

 

I'm friends with several women, some of those friendships go back almost 12 years and I don't want to date nor would I ever date any of them.

[lino]

A female acquaintance of mine once told me that relationships were kinda like jobs, to make sure you had another lined up before you quit one.

 

I've heard this as well.

 

Nice to know we're just interchangeable commodities like jobs... Never mind our human or emotional component ladies

[shyguy3543]

Unfortunately this seems to be the exact truth.

 

My ex-girlfriend of 7.5 years was seen by my friends at a movie theater less than 2 weeks after our breakup holding hands with a guy she had mentioned to me in the past. I was hurt tremendously by that. I didn't learn of this until months later but I couldn't believe it. At 2 weeks post-breakup, I was wishing we'd get back together and meanwhile, she was already dating that guy and had another one lined up apparently when he told her that he felt she couldn't be trusted for a relationship.

 

My ex-girlfriend of almost 2 years always told me about her best friend's boyfriend's best friend and how she hated him so much and didn't feel safe around him because he tried to take advantage of her when she was drunk one time (before we dated). I found it odd that a couple of times when she went up to Boston to visit her friend, there'd be pics of the weekend with that guy there and in one pic, they even looked sort of like a couple with him smiling with his arm around her and stuff. I told her it made me uncomfortable and she assured me she couldn't stand the guy but was just being friendly for the sake of making things easy for her best friend and her boyfriend. Oh, and this guy used to tweet about me and make fun. But yeah, she reassured me that she "honestly" couldn't stand the guy and found every ounce of his being absolutely repulsive.

 

Well, I'd say the last 6 months of our relationship, she said he had started acting much more respectful towards her and he was actually tolerable... okay. I didn't love this because I had never been up to Boston to visit her friends.

 

Then she broke up with me but "loved" me so much and claimed she needed time but couldn't wait to get back together once she sorted out her life. We remained great friends and still hung out all the time and I supported her with all of her issues for another 6 months. Then she posted two pics of her at a wedding cuddling up to a guy. I didn't recognize him in the first pic, but in the second one it was clear. She got with that guy. And now they're dating from what I've heard.

 

It's hilarious because she said that part of the reason why she needed to step away from our relationship was because she couldn't bear the fact that every relationship she's been in ended because she started having feelings for someone else and had them lined up for when she called off the old relationship. I should've seen it coming! She wasn't telling me that she needed to erase that stigma from our relationship, she was telling me that she had already lined up the next one. I just laugh about it now but man, girls can be brutal with how they do this.

[HereNorThere]

When you are already hanging out with someone else, texting them, bringing them to social functions, discussing things your partner wouldn't approve of, etc and then start dating that person within a month of breaking up, that makes you a dirty, trifling cheater.

 

I'm also willing to bet a big percentage of these situations have already passed the physical stage. It's usually right after they "accidentally" sleep together that the guilt kicks in and they initiate the break-up. The crossing of that line creates a huge trip, so they break up really quick so they can re-write history and hide the cheating. This isn't a theory of mine. I've seen both girl and guy friends pull this one off.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yep.

I have known women who are just waiting for a guy's GF to screw up and him to dump her so she can move in.

 

Exactly. I have been close friends with a guy in my 20s that I really liked for years. I waited for him to break up with his gf and hook up with me. It didn't last and I would never be in that position again. After me, he had a number of other female friends waiting in the que.

 

It's alll the same really. Attractive and charming people of either sex have a ton of options. Nothing new there.

[LoveRefreshed]

My girlfriend has admitted to dating a 'friend' just because she doesn't like to be alone. Now that 'friend' continues to hover and annoy me, but I realize there will always be an orbiter if you've got a desirable girl.

 

I now call him bub, "back up boyfriend" and just keep reminding her as HereNorThere mentioned- he's no friend to our relationship, so our problems are never discussed with him and you never use him for advice. She's agreed.

 

I think it just hurts guys to think that they moved on so quickly, but we all know that it's the gaping hole you left in them is why they've latched onto someone else so fast.

[phineas]

Unfortunately this seems to be the exact truth.

 

My ex-girlfriend of 7.5 years was seen by my friends at a movie theater less than 2 weeks after our breakup holding hands with a guy she had mentioned to me in the past. I was hurt tremendously by that. I didn't learn of this until months later but I couldn't believe it. At 2 weeks post-breakup, I was wishing we'd get back together and meanwhile, she was already dating that guy and had another one lined up apparently when he told her that he felt she couldn't be trusted for a relationship.

 

My ex-girlfriend of almost 2 years always told me about her best friend's boyfriend's best friend and how she hated him so much and didn't feel safe around him because he tried to take advantage of her when she was drunk one time (before we dated). I found it odd that a couple of times when she went up to Boston to visit her friend, there'd be pics of the weekend with that guy there and in one pic, they even looked sort of like a couple with him smiling with his arm around her and stuff. I told her it made me uncomfortable and she assured me she couldn't stand the guy but was just being friendly for the sake of making things easy for her best friend and her boyfriend. Oh, and this guy used to tweet about me and make fun. But yeah, she reassured me that she "honestly" couldn't stand the guy and found every ounce of his being absolutely repulsive.

 

Well, I'd say the last 6 months of our relationship, she said he had started acting much more respectful towards her and he was actually tolerable... okay. I didn't love this because I had never been up to Boston to visit her friends.

 

Then she broke up with me but "loved" me so much and claimed she needed time but couldn't wait to get back together once she sorted out her life. We remained great friends and still hung out all the time and I supported her with all of her issues for another 6 months. Then she posted two pics of her at a wedding cuddling up to a guy. I didn't recognize him in the first pic, but in the second one it was clear. She got with that guy. And now they're dating from what I've heard.

 

It's hilarious because she said that part of the reason why she needed to step away from our relationship was because she couldn't bear the fact that every relationship she's been in ended because she started having feelings for someone else and had them lined up for when she called off the old relationship. I should've seen it coming! She wasn't telling me that she needed to erase that stigma from our relationship, she was telling me that she had already lined up the next one. I just laugh about it now but man, girls can be brutal with how they do this.

 

This %100.

I have a few attractive female friends.

 

One for example:

She has an ex that dumped her for another woman & all she does is demonize him and claim he just wants her as a side piece.

Yet she allows him to text her daily & hangs out with him now and then but makes it seem like He's the one just showing up where she is and he asked to stop by, ect. But still ends up alone with him at night then texts all her friends complaining he tried to kiss her or saying she can't believe he tried to kiss her. I LOL! because she puts herself in that situation time & time again with that guy for a reason.

 

She has another guy who is 10yrs younger she claims she doesn't like because he sent her a dic pic but she texts him regularly now and calls him her friend from work.

 

she has a few guy "friends" like this.

 

Hell, she tells all our common friends i'm just her "buddy" and she has no interest in dating me but we slept together & she made me promise to keep it a secret. LOL!

 

I would not be surprised if she has slept with those guys she claims to have zero interest in at least once and her ex's a few times also post breakup.

 

I personally don't care as long as they arn't shady when with me.

Once it's over, it's over. I won't take a woman back after she breaks up with me.

Never.

 

This is why as a man you never drop your female friends when get into a relationship.

You never cross a line or get shady with female friends but you keep them as friends.

 

Like I said before, odds are one of them is waiting for your ex to screw up or drop you.

Edited January 15, 2016 by phineas

[truth_seeker]

There are women on here who have been serially dating for years now. Literally living out a sex and the city lifestyle.

 

These serial daters (on here and in general) don't know how to settle with one man. I don't think they can. They might date one guy for years, even marry, but eventually will divorce and be with another man. I think when women get to a certain old age, when the options are all dried up, they stick with one guy... but even then, privately they have the itch to get up and move on to another man. If they can, they will!

 

People need to do a better job of filtering. You should be able to spot both men and women who are out for themselves, have psychological issues and display patterns of disruptive and despicable behavior (lying, cheating, stealing, etc...)

 

If you're dating a woman who has a history of sleeping around, cheating on all her boyfriends, what makes you think she will be honest and loyal to you?

 

If you're dating a man who is abusive and narcissistic what makes you think he will treat you like a lady?

 

It's funny how I've read on this board how it's a red flag if a person has zero to none dating experience, yet no qualms about people with lots of dating experience. I tend to believe if you've been in 2-3 serious relationships that each went beyond 2 years and never resulted in marriage, something is wrong.

 

Hey, these are just my opinions on a dreary Friday morning... what do I know...

[Ruby Slippers]

A female acquaintance of mine once told me that relationships were kinda like jobs, to make sure you had another lined up before you quit one.

A male friend of mine suggested the same.

 

I used to insist upon very clean breaks and I'd just get through the hard times on my own. Then I figured out there's really no reward for whatever kind of honor I thought was in that. So now I've relaxed my behavior and let lines blur more, basically as a survival mechanism.

[smackie9]

I never dated friends.....I'm friends with guys I have no interest in dating. As for back up guys, plenty, like the other poster mentioned, if you are attractive/desirable, there will be no shortage of suitors hovering around. You have no control over that they are there. There is some bitterness about a girl having "orbiters"....in my case they were not the reason or cause for a breakup. The relationship sucked, and I got out. Just because I was fresh out of a relationship didn't mean I was dead. I went out on dates, and had some mini relationships to have some fun...and why not eh?

[carhill]

I used to insist upon very clean breaks and I'd just get through the hard times on my own. Then I figured out there's really no reward for whatever kind of honor I thought was in that. So now I've relaxed my behavior and let lines blur more, basically as a survival mechanism.

Good point. Will we die better for having followed a rigid set of rules while being laughed at as dopes? I opine not! Well, in my life I did everything perfect so I'll be admitted to a better heaven. Heh

 

In my demographic, if a woman even suggests that her relationship or marriage is shaky, the men start circling like sharks. The reverse may be true for the wealthiest and most successful of men but men substantially outnumber women here so it's more universally applicable to women. Do the women want that? Heh, well, like some said, it's nice to have options and, since they've known the same thing their whole lives, to them it's normal to seek out another man when they've decided the current one isn't working out. Put on the 'I'm available' face and, wedding ring or not, watch the guys go to work.

 

Do the guys have to be the backup guy? Absolutely not! I used to say that for years, giving myself remarkable comfort while going through life alone. Hey, I followed the rules. Don't hit on married women. Other guys? Heh, carhill's a dope. One less competitor. Loser. Yep, pretty much.

[Hopeful30]

Youre dating the wrong women. Anyone who has a backup is either too insecure to be alone or is afraid of being single, both of which are qualities you dont want in a partner.

 

Its her loss bro.

[Ruby Slippers]

In my demographic, if a woman even suggests that her relationship or marriage is shaky, the men start circling like sharks.

That is my experience. With promises of, "I'll treat you so much better than he does."

[phineas]

That is my experience. With promises of, "I'll treat you so much better than he does."

 

That never works with the women I know.

If they wanted a guy who treated them good they wouldn't keep dating a-holes.

[HereNorThere]

My girlfriend has admitted to dating a 'friend' just because she doesn't like to be alone. Now that 'friend' continues to hover and annoy me, but I realize there will always be an orbiter if you've got a desirable girl.

 

I now call him bub, "back up boyfriend" and just keep reminding her as HereNorThere mentioned- he's no friend to our relationship, so our problems are never discussed with him and you never use him for advice. She's agreed.

 

I think it just hurts guys to think that they moved on so quickly, but we all know that it's the gaping hole you left in them is why they've latched onto someone else so fast.

 

Meh, you're being too nice. It's not kosher for a male or female to keep a friendship alive if there is a recent history or mutual attraction. Sure, maybe a quick text or email to update on life, but an actual friendship and hanging out, nah, I hold myself to a higher standard than that. I know some of my female friends would jump my bones and unless I'm 100% not attracted to them, I don't hang with them while I'm committed. It's just selfish, dangerous and I know my partner wouldn't appreciate it.

 

And if someone can "move on" from a relationship overnight, it wasn't a real relationship to them. In any serious, intimate relationship I've ever been in, regardless of who ended it, I couldn't just go out and sleep with someone else the next day. The thought of it just disgusts me to my core.

[Bo34]

This has always been the case since the dawn of time, but with the advent of social media, it's now on a quantified level!!!

 

Even going back so far back, as say, 10 years ago, this wasn't nearly a factor as it is now, but nowadays, with most people have social media it creates a real problem since anyone can remain in touch with a click of a mouse button.... I can attest to this being the case in my prior relationship a few years ago when I broke up with my gf, only to later find out one of her guy friends who I had met on several occasions and thought nothing of him as far as being a potential suitor (Nerdy, ugly etc.), ended up dating her after our break a few months later.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if I could have been a bit more wise and remained friends with my most recent ex who broke up with me as she so desperately wanted. I don't know whether she has a BF since I haven't heard from her since our breakup, but I do have a suspicion that she is. I couldn't remain friends with her because I loved her too much. I went NC from day 1 and now it's been 7 months and not a word since. Maybe if we had remained friends it could've opened a line of communication for her and been more easy if she had 2nd doubts on her decision since she is way too prideful of a person. But I for one, either go ALL IN or don't give anything a shot. I also cannot even consider a girl being a potential if she has a BF and remain distant and respect their relationship.

[TheTraveler]

To all the men out there. Do the exact same thing! Have women on standby as well.

[HereNorThere]

A male friend of mine suggested the same.

 

I used to insist upon very clean breaks and I'd just get through the hard times on my own. Then I figured out there's really no reward for whatever kind of honor I thought was in that. So now I've relaxed my behavior and let lines blur more, basically as a survival mechanism.

 

This is one of the best posts on the thread because it shows the difference between the two types of thinking. For me, the reward is upholding my integrity and principles.

 

I recently had the displeasure of breaking someone's heart. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I genuinely did not want to be in the relationship. Sure, the vultures were circling afterwards, but I chose not to date for a while because I knew how it would effect my ex. Seeing me with someone new directly after I broke up with her would hurt her even more than the breakup itself. I chose to save her that pain and wait a while until I got back out there. Even if you have to leave a relationship, there is an ethical way to do it. You can still care about the other persons feelings.

 

When I've been dumped, I always waited a little while because I wanted to mourn the loss of the relationship and not carry my baggage into something new. We all the know the famous line "To get over someone, get under someone" but that's just being slut. If your self worth is so low that you have to sleep with your friends or strangers to get over a relationship, maybe you shouldn't be in relationships.

 

There is such a thing as integrity and principle and that seems to be lost on the other side. Their actions are completely based on their "reward" and if it doesn't benefit them, they don't do it. Unfortunately it seems to be getting worse, but that doesn't mean you have to participate it in it. When you're one of the dirty type daters, you get what's coming to you. You forfeit your right to complain because you are part of the problem.