Mjm1014 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 so it seems like every girl I've ever dated in my 28 years, regardless if they broke up with me or I broke up with them, always had a guy on the back burner incase we broke up. Same story every time, they would always tell me "oh he's just a friend don't worry." Boom we break up and less than a week later they are dating. I don't know many guys that do that...girls why are you like this?? and it makes me mad because it's no wonder that I felt like they didn't put in 100% effort because they were too busy stringing guy #2 along. Sorry a rant post. Frustrated this has happened a bunch of times. Makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong (confident I'm not since I treat them like they deserve to be treated)....either give 100% or gtfo 1
HereNorThere Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Lol, my college roommate once told me "HereNorThere, that's just how girls break up". Joe Rogan has a great bit about how women's guy friends are really just wolves sniffing the phone line for weakness. This is just completely normal for decent looking girls. You'd probably be the same way if the majority of your female friends were really just hanging out because they actually have a crush on you. Just be like my college roommate and acccept it. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but that's just how they are. Who wouldn't like the idea of a soft landing if it was available? Found the bit for you. Have a good laugh about it and relax - 2
anduina Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Hate to say it but guys do hang around and when we break up, some are pretty quick to be a shoulder to cry on and then ask us out. This doesn't mean they were led on or kept on the backburner. That's not necessary.
HereNorThere Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I have no issues with women dating their "friends" afterwards. My is issue that during the relationship they are disingenuous about the true nature of the friendship. They will always make remarks about they aren't attracted to them, would never date, the aren't like that, etc. You feel duped by believing them in the first place. You wonder if they didn't give that friend negative, one-sided information about the relationship that wasn't ultimately used against you by their opportunist "friend." A lot of these "friends" go to great links to sabotage relationships so they can get in at just the right moment of vulnerability. Since so many comedians have touched on this, I'll leave you with some Chris Rock.- "Guys don't have friends, they have women that haven't f-ed yet" 5
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Every even remotely desirable guy I have ever met has a number of back up girls at any point. Contrary to popular LS opinion, there is no difference between guys and girls in that respect. 5
Emilia Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I think a lot of people have the equivalent of a little black book - though mine is very slim right now. They aren't friends and there isn't much contact with them when seeing someone - if any. It's partly an age thing though, boundaries get stronger as you get older, or maybe just become less desperate for attention. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I have not had "back-up guys" who I suddenly started dating after a break-up. But a lot of guy friends do hover and put out feelers when a female friend becomes single. However, there are a heck of lot of men who do this too.
Natalie8 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I never had a back up guy. Every time a guy broke up with me i was heartbroken and lost, couldnt even think of dating anyone else. Actually, this one time i went onle and created a profile then spent a date talking about an ex.. So obviously not in the right frame of mind.
MoreAmore Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I never start dating anyone immediately after a breakup but I have only seen a guy as a friend and changed my mind. If I'm in a monogamous relationship, I certainly am only seeing a guy as a friend. With social media, I think men and women both are kept in contact with people who might be interested if single that they wouldn't otherwise maintain a friendship or contact with and they jump up with real contact the second there's a breakup without any boundaries being crossed during the relationship. I know if we broke up my guy or myself could be dating again as soon as we wished. Though neither of us regularly talk to those that we know are interested in more; I suppose mistakes in reading a person could be made.
Leucine Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I'm an attractive guy and have never managed to have a backup girl. Post-breakup is guaranteed no sex until meeting someone new, while the females that I've ran across seemed to agree that most girls have their options whilst searching for that someone.
Art_Critic Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Women having orbiters is normal operating procedure for many guys, it isn't the girl as much as they many times will think the guy is just a friend but he always has other plans and when there is a male vacuum in her life he is there to fill it In my past I've been an orbiter before but never turned it into anything so I always preferred to spend my time around women who didn't already have a BF and if the girl wanted me to be an orbiter I just excused myself... 4
Revolver Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I don't think it's just you, most women have a back up guy(or 2) on stand by 2
truth_seeker Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Not everyone is the same. If the girl you're dating or want to date has many guy friends that's a red flag... just like a guy who has many female friends that would also be a red flag. I'm sticking with women here as that's the topic. They'll have some guy friends they will sleep with until the next boyfriend comes along. If she breaks up with the boyfriend, she'll use her guy friends for intimacy until the next guy comes along. Be wary of women with many guy friends. Don't believe they're just friends. Maybe the girl considers them only a friend, but that guy wants into her pants.
truth_seeker Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I have no issues with women dating their "friends" afterwards. My is issue that during the relationship they are disingenuous about the true nature of the friendship. They will always make remarks about they aren't attracted to them, would never date, the aren't like that, etc. You feel duped by believing them in the first place. You wonder if they didn't give that friend negative, one-sided information about the relationship that wasn't ultimately used against you by their opportunist "friend." A lot of these "friends" go to great links to sabotage relationships so they can get in at just the right moment of vulnerability. Since so many comedians have touched on this, I'll leave you with some Chris Rock.- "Guys don't have friends, they have women that haven't f-ed yet" You're so point on about this. Right now I'm interested in this woman and I can tell all of her male co-workers want to sleep with her. I just know these hawks will do whatever it takes to get her - even if it means trashing another guy to make sure they have a shot with her. 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Women having orbiters is normal operating procedure for many guys, it isn't the girl as much as they many times will think the guy is just a friend but he always has other plans and when there is a male vacuum in her life he is there to fill it In my past I've been an orbiter before but never turned it into anything so I always preferred to spend my time around women who didn't already have a BF and if the girl wanted me to be an orbiter I just excused myself... Never be friends with a woman you want to date, but you can be friends with women that you don't want to date. 1
jen1447 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 so it seems like every girl I've ever dated in my 28 years, regardless if they broke up with me or I broke up with them, always had a guy on the back burner incase we broke up. Same story every time, they would always tell me "oh he's just a friend don't worry." Boom we break up and less than a week later they are dating. I don't know many guys that do that...girls why are you like this?? Then who are all these guys waiting in the wings?
Glitters Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 It's not gender biased. Many men have female friends hovering around them, giving ' advice ' on relationships only to get the guy break up and jump in with him.
HereNorThere Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Then who are all these guys waiting in the wings? Maybe his friends aren't bottom feeders who need to wait around for emotionally vulnerable women to prey on. It takes a special kind of creep to go his female friends during their relationship's rocky times or breakup. Some men truly are friends with women and do not have ulterior motives. 1
truth_seeker Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 The only time I've ever seem to have a female friend was co-workers or friends of the girl I was dating. Even then, with the friends, I didn't really consider them friends because once the relationship was over I would never speak to them again. I was only "friends" with them because of the ongoing relationship.
HereNorThere Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) It's kinda funny because in nearly ever break-up initiated by a woman, the male already knows who his replacement is. Chances are he's already tired of hearing about the guy in one context or another. Most men would never bring a girl that he is attracted to around his girlfriend, but for some reason women tend to. In some sick way I think it helps relieve their guilt if it looks like she isn't hiding the friendship. Then you find out after the break up they're dating and ask "Why didn't you tell me you were dating so and so?" And the response is always "because I knew you would think I was cheating on you and I wasn't. This happened long after we broke up" Ummm no, you were just emotionally cheating on me. Since you hadn't crossed a physical line you consider yourself free of guilt, but I'm not stupid. You certainly wouldn't have accepted that kind of behavior from me, but I can see we are not holding ourselves to the same standard. Good luck with the rationalizations and what not. See ya!!! Edited January 14, 2016 by HereNorThere 1
loveweary11 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I have tons of female friends I see like sisters and wouldn't hook up with. But I've also seen the op's observation happen in nearly every female originated breakup. 1
Miss Peach Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I think it takes awhile for women to realize that often male friends aren't really interested in being friends. It doesn't apply to all men but it is quite common. Since learning that I have chosen my male friends very carefully. I have no desires for anyone right now that I am with BF. But I have a lot of guys messaging me on social media, who at IRL events ask me if I'm still with BF, etc. I ignore the messages, invite the BF, etc. so there isn't anything for the BF to worry about. But yes, I do know if something happens to BF I will not have to worry about finding new guys. In a way it's good because even though I don't have an interest in other guys I know there is a life out there without him if he's not a good match for me down the road. I would rather just enjoy my time with him than feel he is the last man alive or something as so many women do as they grab onto a man like it's their last chance.
Emilia Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I think the key is to hang out with male friends in groups, certainly never around alcohol. Regardless whether I'm single or not, I don't spend much time with a man just by himself if he isn't a romantic interest. We usually do activity based stuff in a group like watching sport, fishing, etc. WTF would we talk about one on one for hours?
HereNorThere Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 WTF would we talk about one on one for hours? Your boyfriend problems, duh. 1
carhill Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Ha, ha, OP, what'll really cook your noodle is wait until you get married What you described in your OP was how life was around here for, oh, 15+ years. Even the lady I married had hanger's on until she brushed them away, mostly, when we got engaged. Don't bobble buddy. You'll be filleted and in the soup before you can spit. Heh. 1
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