Author Cm01 Posted January 20, 2016 Author Posted January 20, 2016 I get that you're hurting, but enough self pity from you Sir. If you loved her, you wouldn't have made her wait 14 years for a marriage proposal. Yes, I get that she cheated on you 6 years in, but if you couldn't sort through the **** in a couple of years, you had no business making her wait 8 years. Thing is, she's probably waited so long for you and has just given up. 14 years of waiting will do that to a person. You know, if she wrote online here about the time line - many would have advised her to give up on any proposal and walk away long ago. I think that one of the first steps in your recovery will be in recognising that you both did wrong. You are not a victim - you are equally culpable. I only made the comment you had quoted in regard to the poster who suggested I should still pursue her. My logic was after everything if the years do not matter to her I should not put myself out there either, that's all. She had also wanted marriage by a certain age to which I agreed, she wasn't in any rush otherwise. In addition to cheating 6 years in she continued to lie for the next 8 until the very end. I always suspected more and often told her to move forward you need to be totally honest to be truly forgiven so we can carry on. She would always say there was nothing else to say or admit to. Even after finally admitting it at the end she said I tricked her. So in hindsight she didn't deserve any ring or marriage, imagine I found out after. 1
DarkHorizon Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Been there..know what youre going through. Im 10 months out of a 14 year relationship, which ended out of the blue, at least for me. Dont make the same mistakes i did, keeping in low contact for months, actually helping her going through the breakup, and putting myself into a deeper hole each day that passed. Cut all contact immediately, let her experience what is life without you around. Put yourself first, and believe me in this, if she valued your relationship in the same way as you did, she would never take the risk of losing you. Take your time, it will be amazingly hard some days, but you will make it. Lots of wisdom here. I can directly apply every single sentence to my current situation right now. Thank you so much.
DarkHorizon Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Exactly. If you go after her, you will just get hurt again. Over and over. And the next time is always worse.
DarkHorizon Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 I don't think it's wise to go after her considering she cheated on me and left me in my time of need. I don't think a good person would do such things if they truly love someone. I already tried to work it out when she wanted to break up and lost face in the process, if I pursue her further I'll just look even worse. Not too mention she will think her behavior is okay. 14 years is a long time I agree but she did a ton of bad stuff to me. If she loved me she wouldn't have left, three 14 years clearly is not a big deal to her. I only made the comment you had quoted in regard to the poster who suggested I should still pursue her. My logic was after everything if the years do not matter to her I should not put myself out there either, that's all. She had also wanted marriage by a certain age to which I agreed, she wasn't in any rush otherwise. In addition to cheating 6 years in she continued to lie for the next 8 until the very end. I always suspected more and often told her to move forward you need to be totally honest to be truly forgiven so we can carry on. She would always say there was nothing else to say or admit to. Even after finally admitting it at the end she said I tricked her. So in hindsight she didn't deserve any ring or marriage, imagine I found out after. The reason why she turned the guilty towards you is just so she can feel a bit better about herself and her actions at your expense. Obviously, don't fall for that. She is unable to hold herself accountable for her mistakes. I had the exact same problem with my ex, and, these incidents are the best real life examples of why you shouldn't be with her, or pursue her ever again.
Author Cm01 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 Exactly. If you go after her, you will just get hurt again. Over and over. And the next time is always worse. Very true, she hurt me a lot thru the years, each time worse and this final time she went for the kill.
Author Cm01 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 The reason why she turned the guilty towards you is just so she can feel a bit better about herself and her actions at your expense. Obviously, don't fall for that. She is unable to hold herself accountable for her mistakes. I had the exact same problem with my ex, and, these incidents are the best real life examples of why you shouldn't be with her, or pursue her ever again. Yup if she was sorry and owned her actions she would have told me the entire truth, admitted everything and then let me decide if I wanted to stay or not, instead she selfishly lied and kept the secret to just keep me in her life. She wanted marriage, kids all based on lies, so evil! 1
cichlids Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 If she loved me she wouldn't have left, three 14 years clearly is not a big deal to her. She obviously doesn't love you, she probably doesn't care about you at all. At one time maybe she did, but even when things are supposed to be at their best, early in the relationship, she cheated on you. So even if she did love you, her sort of love is not the sort of love anyone needs.
Author Cm01 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 She obviously doesn't love you, she probably doesn't care about you at all. At one time maybe she did, but even when things are supposed to be at their best, early in the relationship, she cheated on you. So even if she did love you, her sort of love is not the sort of love anyone needs. I'm beginning to think the same. She probably just loved having me around, being in a relationship etc not so much me. Was probably more out of convenience than anything else. If it was real love, well I probably wouldn't be sitting here typing this. Actions speak far louder than words. 1
mightycpa Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) It's weird though cause even a month or two prior we were discussing trips and stuff, even going to visit her family abroad and she was putting photos of us out on display.Not weird, really. Lots of "soon-to-be-dumpers" do that, I think in an effort to convince themselves that they do love you, even though deep down inside they know they don't. It's like they feel guilty or something for losing interest.Maybe she was faking it and just trying to be happy but in the end just couldn't?Faking it? Yes. Trying to be happy? No. Struggling with something far more basic than that. I guess like going overboard, probably to "pour on the coal" to make her feelings spark up again, or maybe to give you a nice memory to remember after she was gone. It was not about happiness at that point. That ship had sailed. It was more like the final struggle, that last grasp of nothing but air by a drowning man. I'm so tempted to email her but I don't think I should. I don't even know what I'd want or gain by sending it, surely no good could come from it. Her true colors have been shown and I can't unsee them.Correct. Nothing good will come from that, even if you get your anger, disappointment, pining, whatever it is you're feeling, even if you get it out. Fuggeddaboutit. Your job now is to simply catch up to her. Chances are you'll never hear from her ever again. And if you do, don't answer the knock on the door, in whatever form it comes. Edited January 21, 2016 by mightycpa 1
Author Cm01 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 Not weird, really. Lots of "soon-to-be-dumpers" do that, I think in an effort to convince themselves that they do love you, even though deep down inside they know they don't. It's like they feel guilty or something for losing interest.Faking it? Yes. Trying to be happy? No. Struggling with something far more basic than that. I guess like going overboard, probably to "pour on the coal" to make her feelings spark up again, or maybe to give you a nice memory to remember after she was gone. It was not about happiness at that point. That ship had sailed. It was more like the final struggle, that last grasp of nothing but air by a drowning man. Correct. Nothing good will come from that, even if you get your anger, disappointment, pining, whatever it is you're feeling, even if you get it out. Fuggeddaboutit. Your job now is to simply catch up to her. Chances are you'll never hear from her ever again. And if you do, don't answer the knock on the door, in whatever form it comes. Thanks I needed to hear that. Everything you said is likely true, just have to keep reminding myself. 1
DarkHorizon Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Thanks I needed to hear that. Everything you said is likely true, just have to keep reminding myself. That is the best part of this forum. Use it to remind yourself. Bookmark it. Print a message that speaks to you. Carry it with you. Whatever. It is all here. These messages are the voice that you need to hear when the desire to reconnect returns.
Author Cm01 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 That is the best part of this forum. Use it to remind yourself. Bookmark it. Print a message that speaks to you. Carry it with you. Whatever. It is all here. These messages are the voice that you need to hear when the desire to reconnect returns. Absolutely. It does help keep my mind in check! Crazy I can even think of contacting her after everything she's done. 1
Author Cm01 Posted January 26, 2016 Author Posted January 26, 2016 Past two days I've been so tempted to email her. I have not done so yet but can't stop thinking about her.
Author Cm01 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 Keep composing emails but deleting them and not sending. The last one I saved as a draft in my inbox...
Author Cm01 Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 So earlier this morning I was editing the draft email that I was *not* going to send to my ex and I stupidly sent it! Afterwards I felt fine though and did not expect any response back and was kind of relieved. Around 4pm in the afternoon I get a call on my home phone and its her work number. She says she just got my email and sounded visibly upset. She went on to say things haven't been easy for her either and she's having a rough time. I gave her a letter when we broke up as well when I returned her things and she said she wished I had not as that one upset her as well. Now it's been almost 4 weeks and she's trying to move on and she gets this email and she feels like she's back to square one again. I didn't say a whole lot on the phone, we talked for maybe 10-15 minutes. I just told her I'm trying to better myself and do good, that's it. Really I was totally caught off guard by her just calling me right after reading the email. She said she needs to think about things - whatever that means, and will call me in a couple days - not holding my breath. I honestly expected no reply in regard to my email and just figured that would be it. Will see if I hear back from her or not but for now going back to NC. I've said all I needed to say there is nothing else left to say. Thoughts?
jonesey0 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Do you really want her to come back to you because of pity or guilt? How long would it last until she breaks your heart again and you come back to this forum? Let her be, set her free. If she really loves you, she will come back. Because she wants to, not because you want her to. Stay strong. 1
Author Cm01 Posted February 5, 2016 Author Posted February 5, 2016 Crap. So we meet for coffee and talked, we both decided to try to work it out. Lasted almost a week and she left again.... 1
louxor Posted February 5, 2016 Posted February 5, 2016 (edited) Crap. So we meet for coffee and talked, we both decided to try to work it out. Lasted almost a week and she left again.... Well you were warned Exactly. If you go after her, you will just get hurt again. Over and over. And the next time is always worse. Just take that as the final nail in the coffin and be grateful this only lasted one week before she did her usual up and run. PLEASE don't let this woman waste more of your time and prolong your pain. She will not change, the proof is in all those years since she cheated on you. Remove her from your life, for good! Edited February 5, 2016 by louxor 1
Author Cm01 Posted February 5, 2016 Author Posted February 5, 2016 Well you were warned Just take that as the final nail in the coffin and be grateful this only lasted one week before she did her usual up and run. PLEASE don't let this woman waste more of your time and prolong your pain. She will not change, the proof is in all those years since she cheated on you. Remove her from your life, for good! Yes I was warned but I was foolish and fell for her trap. She screwed me over again but I am glad we were not married or had children or it would be a lot worse. I learned a very valuable lessons. This still kills me but I am hoping it will get better? I am at the end of my wits and in a very dark place right now....
DarkHorizon Posted February 5, 2016 Posted February 5, 2016 Unfortunately we all know that dark place, cm01. It will get better, but you are back to square one now. I know this path feels like climbing a mountain, but you gotta keep moving. Please stay NC, so that wound can stop bleeding. Block her in every way possible. Disappear from each other's lives. From now on, it's like she died.
Author Cm01 Posted February 5, 2016 Author Posted February 5, 2016 Unfortunately we all know that dark place, cm01. It will get better, but you are back to square one now. I know this path feels like climbing a mountain, but you gotta keep moving. Please stay NC, so that wound can stop bleeding. Block her in every way possible. Disappear from each other's lives. From now on, it's like she died. I am going to try my hardest to stay no contact, I'm sure I will after she cheated on me and dumped me twice. This really sucks and hurts a great deal but I'll try and block her out like she's dead because in reality who I thought she was is truly not her.... Still baffled by how she could even be so cold.
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