GF left me after 14 years - wrecked

[Cm01]

Such a mind ****. She ups and leaves after 14 years right when I'm going thru some tough **** of my own and needed her.

 

Depressed, can't eat, sleep, drinking a lot which I know I should not.

 

She was so cold towards me as well, zero ****s given on her end. I've gone full NC not trying to win her back. More hurt by her lack of consideration to drop it on me when I'm at my lowest and not caring at all. Almost more hurt by her leaving when I needed her the most than discovering the past cheating. It shows how little she truly cares about me considering I'd always been a solid rock for her and always been there to pick her up. I had been getting a bit of depression/anxiety for 3-4 months but was working thru it and it's just skyrocketed now that she left, she obviously knew this would happen but did not care at all. When I finally got her to admit she did have sex with the guy all those years ago she said I tricked her into telling me and was mad at me!

 

Quick cliffs

- Date girl for 14 years

- 6 years in she cheats and I stupidly take her back(though she never came fully clean, said no sex took place)

- Begged and pleaded for me to take her back and she'd do everything she could to make us work. She even offered to take a polygraph test! Slowly over time she stopped doing many of the initial "nice" things she was doing to get back into my good graces. And often told me to "get over it" it's been long enough. All the while still never admitting the truth even though I questioned her many times.

- Work thru things for 8 years, trust issues etc.. Finally think we are on solid ground now

- She gives marriage/kids ultimatum I agree

- Says she is no longer happy 2 weeks later - Nice of way of saying she doesn't love me anymore??

- I go slight beta and try to keep her, she says we can work on it but than changes her mind again and says no a day or two later.

- During arguement she finally admits after 8 years she did in fact have sex all those years ago and it was ongoing, basically she had two boyfriends, me & him.

- Even after full affair revelation I was still willing to work it out with her due to time invested and our ages, fact we want kids and a life etc.. She told me she'd give me 3 months at this point to "prove" myself and I lost it cause I was like you lied to keep me in your life out of selfishness, harbored said lie for 8 years, realize you aren't happy and you want to give me a timeline?! Well after that she said its done right now and I more or less tried to reason with her to no avail.

- Was cold as ice and very detached during final stage of break up.

- Been over a week now and she not contacted me at all

[RySant]

Do you really want to be with a person like that? I know time and familiarity are things that hold you back but I dude, whenever a thorn is pulled on you, it will hurt like a lot. But that doesn't mean you want the thorn back.

[Cm01]

Do you really want to be with a person like that? I know time and familiarity are things that hold you back but I dude, whenever a thorn is pulled on you, it will hurt like a lot. But that doesn't mean you want the thorn back.

 

I guess I kind of thought she changed but the fact she was not fully honest about her affair says a lot. I wanted the truth and she lied for 8 years while we were apparently working on us. How can she be sorry or serious about us when she was still lying. All this just leads me to believe she was not sorry at all but just lied to keep me out of selfishness. Still hurts though.

[GlobeTrotter9]

First off really sorry to hear about your situation mate. I agree though, while it may hurt like hell now, if this woman has been two timing you for years and still has the audacity to be angry at you then she really isn't the one and you deserve better. Emotions will always cloud logical thinking, it may seem like the end of the world now but trust me things do get better. A few months down the line and you'll wonder what you ever saw in this woman.

 

Keep up the NC for now and take some time to really focus on yourself. Get any help you need for what you're going through be that through friends or a specialist. Times like this are a true test of character. Pick yourself up and get on the road to recovery. I wish you all the best

[Cm01]

First off really sorry to hear about your situation mate. I agree though, while it may hurt like hell now, if this woman has been two timing you for years and still has the audacity to be angry at you then she really isn't the one and you deserve better. Emotions will always cloud logical thinking, it may seem like the end of the world now but trust me things do get better. A few months down the line and you'll wonder what you ever saw in this woman.

 

Keep up the NC for now and take some time to really focus on yourself. Get any help you need for what you're going through be that through friends or a specialist. Times like this are a true test of character. Pick yourself up and get on the road to recovery. I wish you all the best

 

Thats the thing I try and convince myself she messed up but has changed in the past 8 years, maybe she has but I don't know. I just know she was never fully honest with me. Her affair was probably 2-3 months and he was her "boyfriend" apparently. I also had to find out on my own and she denied it until she was literally busted.

 

I guess I am just thinking with my heart instead of my brain and I became to comfortable with her forgetting what she had done. And to boot I started getting some slight depression/anxiety about 3-4 months ago but was working thru it and moving forward and she leaves right now! I stood by her thru so much, gave her a second chance when she did not deserve it and she wants me to prove myself, its crazy... The fact that she lied for 8 years and left me at my weakest point speaks volumes yet I still miss her and want her which just kills me. I know this is wrong but I feel it nonetheless.

[LetGGOO]

Wow. I'm really sorry to hear this. I just want you know that you deserve better and have deserved better for a long time. Don't blame yourself. If she wasn't happy, which clearly she wasn't, she should have let you go all those years ago.

 

I have a somewhat similar experience. My BF and I dated for 8 years. We broke up 3 times during this time, the latest breakup being a week ago. He left me with no clear reason the first time and came begging 2 weeks later saying he didn't know what came over him. Then did the same thing again for the 2nd break up. The 3rd break up was due to him cheating on me twice, the second cheating episode being with one of my closest friends (which obviously she is no longer). He begged and begged and promised the world and the universe.

 

I believed EVERYTHING, all his sorries and all his promises, and thought he was sincere. I mean after all those years I thought I could trust and forgive. At the time I was already very weary because of the past breakups and his inconsistency. I knew of "future fakers", people who will do anything at the time to have you because it suits them, then shortly after their behavior goes back to the same old same old. Nevertheless I accepted him and he said we could heal together. Went to therapy, the whole nine yards. Few months later, when I'm still getting over him cheating on me with my friend, he decides it's 'too hard' and tells me that the reason he can never be consistent with me, why he always drops me like a hot potato after all I do for him and our relationship, is because he actually doesn't love me as much as I love him. His words.

 

Anyway, like you said, you wonder why you miss them even though they've been complete s#it bags, but you do. It's normal. It's grief. It's someone you not only loved but still love. It's not going to go away over night. NC is very important. The sad thing about my situation is that most of my friends I lost because of my debacles with him - which is fine because I realized they weren't good friends, so It really feels like i'm starting from scratch with everything.

 

Don't despair though, due to my ups and downs with him, one thing I know for sure is that it gets better after some time, time really does heal all wounds, so rest assured. Take care of yourself, keep busy. Soon you'll only look back and hopefully laugh and see the lessons.

[Cm01]

Wow. I'm really sorry to hear this. I just want you know that you deserve better and have deserved better for a long time. Don't blame yourself. If she wasn't happy, which clearly she wasn't, she should have let you go all those years ago.

 

I have a somewhat similar experience. My BF and I dated for 8 years. We broke up 3 times during this time, the latest breakup being a week ago. He left me with no clear reason the first time and came begging 2 weeks later saying he didn't know what came over him. Then did the same thing again for the 2nd break up. The 3rd break up was due to him cheating on me twice, the second cheating episode being with one of my closest friends (which obviously she is no longer). He begged and begged and promised the world and the universe.

 

I believed EVERYTHING, all his sorries and all his promises, and thought he was sincere. I mean after all those years I thought I could trust and forgive. At the time I was already very weary because of the past breakups and his inconsistency. I knew of "future fakers", people who will do anything at the time to have you because it suits them, then shortly after their behavior goes back to the same old same old. Nevertheless I accepted him and he said we could heal together. Went to therapy, the whole nine yards. Few months later, when I'm still getting over him cheating on me with my friend, he decides it's 'too hard' and tells me that the reason he can never be consistent with me, why he always drops me like a hot potato after all I do for him and our relationship, is because he actually doesn't love me as much as I love him. His words.

 

Anyway, like you said, you wonder why you miss them even though they've been complete s#it bags, but you do. It's normal. It's grief. It's someone you not only loved but still love. It's not going to go away over night. NC is very important. The sad thing about my situation is that most of my friends I lost because of my debacles with him - which is fine because I realized they weren't good friends, so It really feels like i'm starting from scratch with everything.

 

Don't despair though, due to my ups and downs with him, one thing I know for sure is that it gets better after some time, time really does heal all wounds, so rest assured. Take care of yourself, keep busy. Soon you'll only look back and hopefully laugh and see the lessons.

 

Sorry to hear about your experience. I hope you're doing better now.

 

I still feel like **** right now but I know I'm better off, even if I don't I still have to believe it regardless. If someone can lie, cheat and leave in my time off need I don't know why id want them in my life but that's love I guess.

[wow123]

1- Stop drinking immediately. It'll add to your depression. Trust me!

 

2- She admitted to cheating on you regularly. You do NOT want this person in your life. You just think you do because you're in pain and believe she will fix that.

 

3-you will eventually heal even though you don't believe that now.

[jonesey0]

Been there..know what youre going through.

Im 10 months out of a 14 year relationship, which ended out of the blue, at least for me.

Dont make the same mistakes i did, keeping in low contact for months, actually helping her going through the breakup, and putting myself into a deeper hole each day that passed.

 

Cut all contact immediately, let her experience what is life without you around.

 

Put yourself first, and believe me in this, if she valued your relationship in the same way as you did, she would never take the risk of losing you.

 

Take your time, it will be amazingly hard some days, but you will make it.

[basil67]

To play Devil's Advocate briefly: 14 years without a proposal - that's a really long time. During all this time, did the two of you ever discuss marriage? Did you know she wanted marriage? And what do you mean by going 'slight beta' to try and keep her?

 

The reason I ask is to try and give you answers to your confusion about why she turned off so quickly. When someone falls out of love as quickly as your partner, it's usually because of an epiphany relating to long term dissatisfaction and I'm wondering if you knew she was unhappy.

[Cm01]

1- Stop drinking immediately. It'll add to your depression. Trust me!

 

2- She admitted to cheating on you regularly. You do NOT want this person in your life. You just think you do because you're in pain and believe she will fix that.

 

3-you will eventually heal even though you don't believe that now.

 

I'm not drinking now, it definitely wasn't helping and made me more down like you said.

 

Yes for the first six years she did cheat regularly and probably a lot of times I am unaware about also but suspected. She brushes this time period up to bring young and silly... And if I never caught and confronted her about her affair she would have kept it going with no regard for me. Her denying she slept with the guy fit the past eight years just shows me she wasn't really sorry but rather just sorry she got caught.

 

 

Been there..know what youre going through.

Im 10 months out of a 14 year relationship, which ended out of the blue, at least for me.

Dont make the same mistakes i did, keeping in low contact for months, actually helping her going through the breakup, and putting myself into a deeper hole each day that passed.

 

Cut all contact immediately, let her experience what is life without you around.

 

Put yourself first, and believe me in this, if she valued your relationship in the same way as you did, she would never take the risk of losing you.

 

Take your time, it will be amazingly hard some days, but you will make it.

 

Well I've had no contact with her at all, it's almost two weeks now. I'm not going to contact her and it seems like she doesn't care to speak to me ever again either, she was so cold towards me.

 

Also just read your story and its very similar to mine except for me and her having contact post break up.

 

To play Devil's Advocate briefly: 14 years without a proposal - that's a really long time. During all this time, did the two of you ever discuss marriage? Did you know she wanted marriage? And what do you mean by going 'slight beta' to try and keep her?

 

The reason I ask is to try and give you answers to your confusion about why she turned off so quickly. When someone falls out of love as quickly as your partner, it's usually because of an epiphany relating to long term dissatisfaction and I'm wondering if you knew she was unhappy.

 

We were young and she cheated on and off for the first six years, the next eight we essentially were working on things, trust etc I knew she wanted marriage and I did agree but was just not in a rush and she knew this. According to her timeline we were still with it.

 

Slight beta means during the break up I didn't just agree and let her go easily. I kind of got weak and showed how upset i was and that i really needed her etc really i should have just said okay cya.I did fight to keep her, at least try. I tried to reason with her but really she wasn't having it. I'm sure she emotionally detached from me much earlier and waited to pull the plug to make it easier for herself.

Edited January 15, 2016 by Cm01

[Cm01]

I feel so bipolar, one minute I convince myself to leave her be and maintain no contact and the next i'm justifying calling her in a last ditch effort! I don't know why... I should not even want her after all the **** she put me thru. I feel so mentally exhausted right now.

[TheTraveler]

I feel so bipolar, one minute I convince myself to leave her be and maintain no contact and the next i'm justifying calling her in a last ditch effort! I don't know why... I should not even want her after all the **** she put me thru. I feel so mentally exhausted right now.

 

You are going to feel this way for a while. It's going to take time. I would recommend exercise, hobbies/new, etc. Eventually you will be ready to date again. This is day by day. Keep updating the thread. And good luck to you.

[Cm01]

You are going to feel this way for a while. It's going to take time. I would recommend exercise, hobbies/new, etc. Eventually you will be ready to date again. This is day by day. Keep updating the thread. And good luck to you.

 

I did exercise today and it does help, the alcohol does not though. Will start exercising everyday and just try to be productive. Might take a solo trip ala forgetting Sarah Marshall, may not be a bad idea. Still really messed up from her doing this though...

[Hoosfoos]

When the going gets tough, the women start quitting.

[Thistooshallpass21]

When the going gets tough, the women start quitting.

 

So true, it's really sad how true this statement is

[Cm01]

So true, it's really sad how true this statement is

 

Sounds cliche at first but you're right it is very true. People's true colors always tend to come out when the other person hits a rough patch.

[Cm01]

Still having a hard time sleeping. Trying to keep busy which does help but still feel lousy alot of the time.

[renny]

14 years is a long time. If you really love her, go after her. Follow your heart otherwise you will never get closure, and it will just take longer to heal. Also be prepared that you may NEVER get her back, she sounds like she has issues that may be to complex for you to overcome.

[TheTraveler]

I did exercise today and it does help, the alcohol does not though. Will start exercising everyday and just try to be productive. Might take a solo trip ala forgetting Sarah Marshall, may not be a bad idea. Still really messed up from her doing this though...

 

You're going to be messed up for a while. If you want to take a solo trip? DO IT!

 

You will shut down from society. But, the best way is to get back into it and make new experiences. The only healing is time. GL!

[Cm01]

14 years is a long time. If you really love her, go after her. Follow your heart otherwise you will never get closure, and it will just take longer to heal. Also be prepared that you may NEVER get her back, she sounds like she has issues that may be to complex for you to overcome.

 

I don't think it's wise to go after her considering she cheated on me and left me in my time of need. I don't think a good person would do such things if they truly love someone. I already tried to work it out when she wanted to break up and lost face in the process, if I pursue her further I'll just look even worse. Not too mention she will think her behavior is okay.

 

14 years is a long time I agree but she did a ton of bad stuff to me. If she loved me she wouldn't have left, three 14 years clearly is not a big deal to her.

[Cm01]

You're going to be messed up for a while. If you want to take a solo trip? DO IT!

 

You will shut down from society. But, the best way is to get back into it and make new experiences. The only healing is time. GL!

 

Ya right now I'm just a bit disconnected and in my own world which is okay, need to get back to myself above all else.

 

It's been 2.5 weeks no contact, obviously she doesn't care at all.

[mightycpa]

When they go all cold like that all of a sudden, there is a lot of self-loathing going on and she's taking it out on you.

 

I think she feels pretty disgusted about her own behavior, because she's known for a long time that you're not the guy for her, but she didn't have the balls to just pull the plug. She was no doubt hoping you'd hesitate or balk on the marriage thing. That would have given her the excuse she needed to end it, but you gave the wrong answer to the question. That's when she figured out that you weren't going to bail her out, and she knew that she would have to do her own dirty work.

 

Rather than come clean and admit this to you by telling you this unflattering (to her) and devastating (to you) news, she's chosen the coward's way out once again, and she took on the demeanor of Ice Queen.

 

Not only is it a mask, it's a message, too. Don't come back. I don't want you.

 

Better listen! She hasn't cared about you for a long, long time.

[Cm01]

When they go all cold like that all of a sudden, there is a lot of self-loathing going on and she's taking it out on you.

 

I think she feels pretty disgusted about her own behavior, because she's known for a long time that you're not the guy for her, but she didn't have the balls to just pull the plug. She was no doubt hoping you'd hesitate or balk on the marriage thing. That would have given her the excuse she needed to end it, but you gave the wrong answer to the question. That's when she figured out that you weren't going to bail her out, and she knew that she would have to do her own dirty work.

 

Rather than come clean and admit this to you by telling you this unflattering (to her) and devastating (to you) news, she's chosen the coward's way out once again, and she took on the demeanor of Ice Queen.

 

Not only is it a mask, it's a message, too. Don't come back. I don't want you.

 

Better listen! She hasn't cared about you for a long, long time.

 

It's weird though cause even a month or two prior we were discussing trips and stuff, even going to visit her family abroad and she was putting photos of us out on display. Maybe she was faking it and just trying to be happy but in the end just couldn't? I guess it's possible.

 

I'm so tempted to email her but I don't think I should. I don't even know what I'd want or gain by sending it, surely no good could come from it. Her true colors have been shown and I can't unsee them.

[basil67]

14 years is a long time I agree but she did a ton of bad stuff to me. If she loved me she wouldn't have left, three 14 years clearly is not a big deal to her.

 

I get that you're hurting, but enough self pity from you Sir.

 

If you loved her, you wouldn't have made her wait 14 years for a marriage proposal. Yes, I get that she cheated on you 6 years in, but if you couldn't sort through the **** in a couple of years, you had no business making her wait 8 years. Thing is, she's probably waited so long for you and has just given up. 14 years of waiting will do that to a person.

 

You know, if she wrote online here about the time line - many would have advised her to give up on any proposal and walk away long ago.

 

I think that one of the first steps in your recovery will be in recognising that you both did wrong. You are not a victim - you are equally culpable.