Eternal Sunshine Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I recently became interested in a guy that is 43 but has 3 children. The oldest is 19yo girl and she still lives with him but he shares the custody of 2 others 50%. We click well and I started to feel really hopeful but once he told me about the children, I immediately starting freaking out (inwardly). I am not sure if I should continue. I was willing to accept a guy with a child but this is a lot. Dunno :/ 1
carhill Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 What are your long term relationship goals, if any, of course presuming you're meeting men for long term relationships? I would presume, if casually dating or taking a lover, their children wouldn't be a major concern but could be mistaken about that. I dated a number of women with two kids, none with three, when I was your age. I liked kids and met some of them, depending on how things went with mom. I don't recall any significant issues. However, the lady I married was childless. I don't think that was purposeful, just the way things worked out. Immediately prior, I had been with a lady who had two daughters, one grown like with this man here, and had one grandchild. No issues. She was a ER doc and her daughter still at home was an adorable teenager. IMO, much depends on, one, whether one really enjoys children and can accept those not of their own lineage, and, two, whether one wants to have children of their own lineage and does their potential partner want to, or is able to, have more. That's probably what tipped things away from the doc and towards my future wife. The doc, at 46, was done with having children and I wanted to have children 'of my own', meaning biological offspring. It wasn't a dealbreaker but when a more compatible candidate appeared, I made the choice. Maybe dumb in retrospect but there it is. See how things go. I'm sure your answer will appear. In general, you seem to have a good sense of what works for you. Go with that. 2
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 We had a really good date and he is smart, funny and VERY attractive. Even though he is in his 40s, he easily looks 10 years younger. Just an example what keeping in shape can do, I have seen many men that age go the other way. I can't say that I am too excited though because 3 children still freak me out. He has 2 of them for a week tomorrow and he basically said that the week he has them he has no time for dates so will see me after they leave. His ex wife is stunningly gorgeous and they divorced 3.5 years ago and don't speak anymore. I find this slightly concerning. I have never dated men with children or even men that are more than a year older than me so this is all new to me :/
smackie9 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Don't let his charm and good looks over shadow the reality he has kids, he is much older, doesn't talk to his ex wife, and he can't make time for "dates" when he has the kids. You have to always work around his life and his responsibilities, so he will have less freedom with you. I'm not saying there isn't someone for him because he has kids BUT this is about YOU and your expectations. It's ok to say "no not for me". 5
dobielover Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Teenagers are much less time-needy than kids under 10. They're independent, want to be with their friends more than their parents, can be alone at home or out and about, etc., unlike younger kids. Parents do spend time at their activities, if they do them (sports, and the like), though. But overall, less time is spent with teenagers than younger kids. They're pretty much more like young people rather than children. I find them easier when dating single dads than younger kids. My only concern in your shoes would be if you want kids of your own. A man who's had three that age might be done having them. 3
xxoo Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 What is it specifically that bothers you about him having kids? Kids that age are tough on the parent, but aren't needy in terms of time and attention. They are also a lot of fun Of course, they will naturally be his first priority, too. 2
Erik30 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 (edited) Up to you, but I wouldn't want to be dealing with young teenagers and all the drama that comes with it. (I'm assuming you're still pretty young yourself) I'm surprised about all the positive comments here about teens He has them 50% of the time so they would be a huge part of your life together. Edited January 16, 2016 by Erik30
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I would think hard if I were you. 1 week out of 2 he has his kids that also means 1 weekend out of 2 he won't be available. You're getting yourself a part-time boyfriend till he considers it long enough to introduce you to his children. Even on the week he doesn't have his kids there will be football night, recital nights, tournaments and such to attend. Teenagers are super cool. I like them and I look forward to play board games or video games with them. There will be many evenings your dates will be pizza with the kids than a movie of their choice. Hope you like the Ninja Turtles :-) 1
truth_seeker Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 You okay being instant-mom to these kids? You know there will be days, nights you will be around them and they will look to you as a mother figure. If this isn't your "cup of tea" then bail... unless you're interested in FWB only?
central Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 The kids will all be gone in 6 years or less, if they go to college or go off on their own. You are facing the same dilemma many men face when considering dating women with children. The younger the kids - and the more there are - usually the tougher the decision. The older and fewer, the easier it is - as you know that in a long relationship, their constant presence is a short time. And if they spend half or more of their time with their mother, you still get sufficient alone time to focus on the relationship. 1
xxoo Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 You okay being instant-mom to these kids? You know there will be days, nights you will be around them and they will look to you as a mother figure. If this isn't your "cup of tea" then bail... unless you're interested in FWB only? I highly doubt kids this age would look to dad's gf as mom--esp since they have a mom. 3
kendahke Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Some people have great kids who have adjusted well to the divorce/break up. Other people have great kids who are not down with the change and aren't quiet about it when someone new shows up. A lot of times, you're dealing with a parent who hasn't figured their way out of the guilt and are confusing boundaries and expectations in their rush to find someone new to not be alone. Tread carefully here. Not everyone has wonderful teenagers.
truth_seeker Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I highly doubt kids this age would look to dad's gf as mom--esp since they have a mom. You can't be so sure. They may have a mom, but she could become their second mom... especially if she's sleeping in Dad's bed the night's they are in the house.
PrettyEmily77 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 (edited) My BF of 9 months has primary care of his 2 teenage boys (16 and soon to be 15). I was a little freaked out at first because it's not exactly how I envisaged my ideal relationship to be (I have no kids and had zero experience with teenagers allbut things have changed a little since then ) but he gently eased me into it and he's such an amazing role model to his boys that it put my mind to rest. It's been trial and error on my part a few times but the boys respect their father a lot and were accepting of me very quickly. They're very independent and so far, my involvment with them has been minimal/fun. I did have a 'bonding' w/e with them when my Bf was away on a conference trip which was 'interesting' though (basically got bombarded with questions about girls and what to do with them) but other than that, his kids haven't been an issue at all so far. We both have demanding jobs but he's always made time for me and I met the boys fairly early on to allow us to see each other without having to plan ahead etc. I'd say a lot of it depends on the type of parent he is and his relationship with his kids, but more importantly on how much you actually like the guy/see a long-term future with him. I see my BF's boys as part of the deal and I care about him too much to let the fact he has kids come between us, but we're all different. Edited January 16, 2016 by PrettyEmily77 2
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I think it has a lot to do also if he has daughters or sons. You are more likely to find resistance from daughters I think. 1
Emilia Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 The fact that the 19 year-old chose to live with him rather than the mother is a good sign, IMO. Scary as hell though. Just get to know him but it seems he is a good guy. Most dads are happy for the mother to have primary custody because of the hassle factor. A former colleague of mine had her ex husband only see the kids on Wednesdays, one day/night a week. He cheated on her as soon as the 2nd was born and is happy for his current gf to do most of the childcare. This guy is clearly not like that.
Lois_Griffin Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I think it has a lot to do also if he has daughters or sons. You are more likely to find resistance from daughters I think. Teenage girls tend to be a nightmare. Drama, drama, drama - and they just love manipulating daddy because they're his little princess. Ugh. Seen it happen too many times. If I HAD to date a guy with dependent kids (which I never would), I'd only do it if the kid was a boy.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 I am not sure exactly why they ended their marriage. He said something like that she got pregnant on their fifth date and then he felt he should really give it a try so married her too quickly and then tried to make it work for nearly 14 years. His parents divorced when he was very young so he didn't want to do the same to his kids. And how once he made a decision to divorce, his life improved immensely. Daughter called him while we were on a date yesterday and he showed me the phone as it was ringing (with daughter's name) and then talked to her for a couple of minutes telling her "I really have to go sweetheart, we will talk later.." He also calls me every day, even when he has the other 2 kids... He seems like a nice person but time will tell I guess and I am still not 100% if the 3 kids are a deal breaker for me or not.
sambolini Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I have one 8 year old daughter, whom I have 50% of the time. I've personally never experienced me having a daughter being an issue with dating, but I definitely understand your reservations. I've recently decided that it's best for me to date women who either have only child like myself, or none at all. I once dated a woman with two kids, one who was 3. That was tough. I will agree that the older the child is, the easier it is to get away. I wouldn't speed time up and miss out on watching my daughter grow up for anything, because I want to experience every stage in her life. But I'd be lying if I said I've never fantasized about what life will be like when I can leave her home alone, even for just a few hours. The fact that you even came to this website and posted your situation tells me you have, or would like to have, a significant emotional investment in this man. In spite of his children, he's ticking all your boxes. I'd say that means something. If things are going well now, I don't see harm in going with for a bit longer and seeing how things unfold. But I wouldn't argue if you eventually decided his kids are a dealbreaker; my most recent ex's young daughter played a huge role in us breaking up. But again, in my case, the child was very young. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 I just saw that he updated his OLD profile. This is enough for me to completely lose interest. FML
Leigh 87 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I just saw that he updated his OLD profile. This is enough for me to completely lose interest. FML I hear you:( I never date men who had stunning exes. Men fall the hardest for wildly beautiful women. That factor alone would be enough to make me not want to date him:lmao: And the best relationships, as you know, start out kind of intense; where the guy is so besotted that updating his profile simply wouldn't cross his mind.... Sorry:( 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 I hear you:( I never date men who had stunning exes. Men fall the hardest for wildly beautiful women. That factor alone would be enough to make me not want to date him:lmao: And the best relationships, as you know, start out kind of intense; where the guy is so besotted that updating his profile simply wouldn't cross his mind.... Sorry:( I agree with this. I can't do slow burn or go through a period of dating others. All my relationships were exclusive from date 1. In all honesty though, I had some pretty big reservations about him.
Emilia Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I actually disagree. I don't like men who have unattractive exes, that tells me he isn't picky and will go with any woman who is available enough or that he is passive. 1
ASG Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 You can't be so sure. They may have a mom, but she could become their second mom... especially if she's sleeping in Dad's bed the night's they are in the house. My step dad has been part of mylife since I was 8. He's never been my dad. Or second dad. He's my step dad and my mom's husband. I have a dad. This is NOT a thing. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 He is still calling me every day and wants to see me. I think I shouldn't explain about the updated profile, we are not exclusive yet and he has a right to date others. So even though he did nothing technically wrong, I need to move on because of personal preference for a guy to have enough attraction to only want to date me from the start. I'm just going to tell him something generic "it's not going to work"... 2
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