Maybe worrying about nothing?

January 13, 2016

Hey, I've been reading this forum for a while, it's really good to see other peoples' experiences so I'd quite like to see thoughts on mine...

I've been dating this guy since last September. We also dated a little bit before christmas 2014 too. We try to see each other once a week but he has quite a busy job and I'm a Nurse, so we have both got quite tight schedules. We're both in our early-mid 20's. He's quite shy and nervous, but very sweet and I can laugh with him. Very conscientious. We've gone out on a few dates to the cinema, for a drink, and as it got colder we watched movies at mine. We haven't had sex while dating atm, but did when we dated a year ago.

Anyway, we both went on christmas break and as neither of us are big texters we didn't speak much, but did message each other on xmas day. He got in touch with me after the new year to see when I was free next. I wasn't coming home until last week, so I messaged him on the Saturday to see if he was free. He told me he was busy studying for his job's exams and had his driving test this week.

I replied with "Ok, good luck." and a few days pass so I message him today just to see how the test went. Good news and I gave my congrats but it didn't really go further than that and my instinct is telling me that perhaps he's losing interest. This is also playing on my mind because this time last year I'd hardly heard from him over christmas and we lost touch.

I don't really know whether to ask if he is free this weekend or not, I know he seems to have a lot on this week and before christmas he'd had a busy week too, and it's quite normal for us not to talk during this but, I don't know. I really like him and I've got a wobbly feeling in my stomach that what happened last year is happening again.

Any advice would be appreciated here!

Edited January 13, 2016 by Lilaby

January 13, 2016

You've known him for a very long time. I think you can ask him if he'd like to do something together this weekend. Maybe he doesn't know you like him 'that way' and he thinks you're going through the motion. I think it's time for one of you to push this a little further, as least if it's what you're wishing for.

So my vote is Yes, ask him if he'd like to get together this weekend.

January 14, 2016

You've known him for a very long time. I think you can ask him if he'd like to do something together this weekend. Maybe he doesn't know you like him 'that way' and he thinks you're going through the motion. I think it's time for one of you to push this a little further, as least if it's what you're wishing for.

So my vote is Yes, ask him if he'd like to get together this weekend.

I think I'll text him tomorrow after work then. I feel like I should be straight to the point and tell him I like him and would like to see him, but I don't want to be too forward and scare him.

It's probably just me feeling a little bit wary after this time last year. I forget that I kind of have known him for quite a while too, and after the last 4 months of dating I still feel quite shy around him and he's quite nervous too. We have only really kissed twice, first time he asked me if he could (I find kinda sweet) and the second was just before christmas. So... okay, thank you Gaeta! I'll see how it goes :0) Worth a shot right?

January 14, 2016

I think I'll text him tomorrow after work then. I feel like I should be straight to the point and tell him I like him and would like to see him, but I don't want to be too forward and scare him.

It's probably just me feeling a little bit wary after this time last year. I forget that I kind of have known him for quite a while too, and after the last 4 months of dating I still feel quite shy around him and he's quite nervous too. We have only really kissed twice, first time he asked me if he could (I find kinda sweet) and the second was just before christmas. So... okay, thank you Gaeta! I'll see how it goes :0) Worth a shot right?

Absolutely worth a try :-)

If you know he's got a full schedule don't wait too late in the week to check with him.

Maybe tell him you've been thinking about him? something that would hint you like him a lot.

January 14, 2016

What did he get you for Christmas?

January 14, 2016

What did he get you for Christmas?

Well I wasn't expecting anything from him if I'm honest, we're not exclusive :0)

January 14, 2016

He told me he was busy studying for his job's exams and had his driving test this week.

I replied with "Ok, good luck." and a few days pass so I message him today just to see how the test went. Good news and I gave my congrats but it didn't really go further than that and my instinct is telling me that perhaps he's losing interest. This is also playing on my mind because this time last year I'd hardly heard from him over christmas and we lost touch.

I don't really know whether to ask if he is free this weekend or not, I know he seems to have a lot on this week and before christmas he'd had a busy week too, and it's quite normal for us not to talk during this but, I don't know. I really like him and I've got a wobbly feeling in my stomach that what happened last year is happening again.

Any advice would be appreciated here!

Yes I would have a wobbly feeling too, especially if he ghosted on you last year.

Is that what you meant by "you lost touch"? Did he just disappear on you?

January 14, 2016

Yes I would have a wobbly feeling too, especially if he ghosted on you last year.

Is that what you meant by "you lost touch"? Did he just disappear on you?

Yeah. We met up a week before our exams. Something didn't seem right... didn't hear from him again until March when he explained he got scared it was getting serious. I just kinda wished him luck and didn't hear again from him until September. When I asked him what happened he then said it was because he gets very stressed about his studies and pushes people away. I think there is truth to both explanations...

January 14, 2016

Well I wasn't expecting anything from him if I'm honest, we're not exclusive :0)

You've been dating him three months, aren't exclusive, and he got you nothing for Christmas. Oh, and he's acting lukewarm.

I would give him space all the way to China. I would not ask him out. Stop texting and let him initiate.

January 14, 2016

You've been dating him three months, aren't exclusive, and he got you nothing for Christmas. Oh, and he's acting lukewarm.

I would give him space all the way to China. I would not ask him out. Stop texting and let him initiate.

To be honest I was in my hometown for 3 weeks over christmas and so was he, they're quite a few hours away from where we are working/studying right now. The present doesn't really matter to me.

But yeah I have sometimes wondered about exclusivity after 3 months but I suppose I'm just taking it slow because he seems quite nervous.

Okay... I think I'm just going to take all the advice you've all given me and maybe figure this out over the next few days.

January 14, 2016

So since September how often do you see each other?

January 14, 2016

So since September how often do you see each other?

Pretty much every weekend during September and October. November and December a little less because I had a lot on my plate with my nursing career, then went back home for 3 weeks over December. We'd still keep in touch during this time apart. But I'll admit our schedules are quite tricky especially right before Christmas.

January 14, 2016

To be honest I was in my hometown for 3 weeks over christmas and so was he, they're quite a few hours away from where we are working/studying right now. The present doesn't really matter to me.

But yeah I have sometimes wondered about exclusivity after 3 months but I suppose I'm just taking it slow because he seems quite nervous.

So you're essentially twisting yourself into a pretzel to suit HIS needs and comfort level.

Please don't do that. Be true to YOURSELF.

If he can't handle it (and wanting exclusivity after three months is totally reasonable), then it's next.

Not to mention, if you stay true to yourself, he will have more respect for you too.

Men do notice when women twist themselves around to suit what they (the men) want....and it can be a turn off to them.... and they lose respect.

It's okay to take it slow if that is what you BOTH want. But never put a new man's needs before your own. Especially one who disappeared on you.... and comes back months later with some lame excuse about how he got "scared."

Come on now.

Edited January 14, 2016 by katiegrl

January 14, 2016

So you're essentially twisting yourself into a pretzel to suit HIS needs and comfort level.

Please don't do that. Be true to YOURSELF.

If he can't handle it (and wanting exclusivity after three months is totally reasonable), then it's next.

Not to mention, if you stay true to yourself, he will have more respect for you too.

Men do notice when women twist themselves around to suit what they (the men) want....and it can be a turn off to them.... and they lose respect.

It's okay to take it slow if that is what you BOTH want. But never put a new man's needs before your own. Especially one who disappeared on you.... and comes back months later with some lame excuse about how he got "scared."

Come on now.

If I was really that bothered about it and wanted that sooner I would have made that clear in my original post. Yes I'm not pushing because of the reason mentioned above. Before Christmas I was extremely busy and so was he, and after coming back from break I want to figure out what's happening right now in the present. It will be something I will want to talk about in the near future if we are still seeing each other.

I did /wonder/, not bothered. Don't think I am turning myself into a pretzel!! I'm a stronger woman than that!

January 14, 2016

If I was really that bothered about it and wanted that sooner I would have made that clear in my original post. Yes I'm not pushing because of the reason mentioned above. Before Christmas I was extremely busy and so was he, and after coming back from break I want to figure out what's happening right now in the present. It will be something I will want to talk about in the near future if we are still seeing each other.

I did /wonder/, not bothered. Don't think I am turning myself into a pretzel!! I'm a stronger woman than that!

Well that's good! Cause many women do.

And I'm sorry I thought you were bothered (given your comment about taking it slow because HE seems nervous).

But if you want to take it slow because you're busy or for whatever reasons, and exclusivity isn't big on your list, then more power to ya.

My bad for misinterpreting.

Edited January 14, 2016 by katiegrl

January 14, 2016

Well that's good! Cause many women do.

And I'm sorry I thought you were bothered (given your comment about taking it slow because HE seems nervous).

But if you want to take it slow because you're busy or for whatever reasons, and exclusivity isn't big on your list, then more power to ya.

My bad for misinterpreting.

That's okay, hope I didn't seem cross just then!

My main concern right now is really just seeing how things are with him after we've had that Christmas break at home and have been busy, but obviously I'm quite wary due to what I said in the op thank you for replying though!

January 14, 2016

Pretty much every weekend during September and October. November and December a little less because I had a lot on my plate with my nursing career, then went back home for 3 weeks over December. We'd still keep in touch during this time apart. But I'll admit our schedules are quite tricky especially right before Christmas.

Ugh...I mean, this is enough contact to decide exclusivity and all that.

Sounds like this guy has issues.

Because...I would expect a guy who has been seeing you once a week since September to want to buy you some sort of a Christmas gift. (I don't care that you don't expect a gift -- a guy who is crazy about you is going to buy you something!) I get that you two are apart during the holiday season, but that doesn't mean you can't celebrate Christmas. I would also expect exclusivity by this point.

Given his actions now and prior, I just don't think this guy wants a relationship.

Honestly, he doesn't sound serious about any of this. I think you should move on and find a guy who is crazy about you. He's out there.

January 14, 2016

He has already said that he ditched you because he thought things were getting serious. No code words or something that could be misinterpreted. He's told you that he likes you enough to hook-up but not enough to seriously commit. Sure, the scheduling provides a really tactful excuse to save face, but when a man is crazy about a woman he will trek across the tundra, cross the mighty oceans and sing from the mountain tops for his fair lady.

It's not the timing; he's just not into you. If you're down to hook up every now and then and be happy with that, continue. If you're going to get your heart involved, get out now because this person will hurt you. Not purposely, but it will happen. He's been honest with you about his feelings and that's more than you can say for most guys.

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