After how many days/months you started to feel better?

[RandomTraveller]

I'm talking in a dumpee perspective. I wonder if any of you guys that are in this section have already moved on and feel completely happy (or close to it...).

 

Of course is personal, everyone is different, etc... but it would be interesting to see after how many months usually a dumpee should start to feel better...

 

Proably it changes also the fact being a male or female. Probably even the age, so if you decide to answer follow this scheme:

 

Example: me.

 

Gender: Male

Age: 25

In relationship from: 2.5 years

Dumpee/Dumper: dumpee :|

 

Of course I doubt that many users around here have already completely healed... but who knows it may be interesting

[kace]

Gender: Female

Age: 24

In relationship from: 3 years

Dumpee/Dumper: dumpee

 

My ex left me for someone else last March they are now engaged and expecting a baby exactly a year later this March (All planned). The relationship was rocky but it still took me by surprise. It took me around 8 months to finally accept it was over as he kept leading me on telling me he was confused, loved me etc. Finding out he was having a baby forced me to accept it and move on.

 

10 months since the break up I have no desire to see him or to respond to his messages anymore. I wouldn't say I'm happy yet but I feel content and looking forward to the future.

[sportygirl89]

Age: 26

In relationship: 6 months

I was dumpee

 

It took me a couple years due to the fact it was my first serious relationship that I had. We were planning on moving in together by end of the year. His background: PTSD and divorced 6 months.

 

Finally moved on when he got engaged to this girl he is currently dating. He which informed me you could not fall in love in four months. He was engaged by 4 months with this new chick.

 

Clearly he did not respect me or our friendship past that.

While I am happy for him, I want nothing to do with him.

[SoThatHappened]

Similar to Kace.

 

Gender: Male

Age: 35

In relationship for: 7 months

Dumpee/Dumper: forced to dump (cheated on)

 

Took 10 or 11 months for the physical pain to go away.

 

16 months after the breakup and NC, I found out she was engaged to the guy she cheated on me with. She moved in with him within 4 months of our breakup, and engaged 4 months later.

 

Got to read all about their "story" on her wedding website, and how they started "dating" when her and I were together... ouch. Threw me for a loop after I was finally starting to feel better.

 

And then... a couple months after finding out about the engagement, I just let go...

 

So, it took me longer to get over a relationship than the length of time I was in it. It wasn't "normal" though either, but I finally got there.

 

You will too.

[StrangerThanFiction]

Gender: Female

Age:29

Relationship length: 7 years, give or take

Dumpee/Dumper: Mutual? Lol

 

Found out my ex had been cheating on me for two years with another woman, we got into a fight about it, he beat me up. The end.

 

It took about 2 months to start feeling somewhat normal. 4 months to start feeling good on a regular basis. 6 months to realize that days would go by without me thinking about him even once. 8 months (now) to feel nothing towards him at all. He's tried contacting me again recently and I feel nothing.

Edited January 14, 2016 by StrangerThanFiction

[Gretzky99]

Gender: Male

Age: 32

Relationship length: 1 year

Dumpee/Dumper: Dumpee

 

We were very compatible, so I thought, and she was the closest I ever felt to finding "the one". I was a complete mess for the first 2 months, which was the most difficult time after the breakup. (I thought of her every single moment of the day. Felt so bad when I would go to bed/wake up. Hard to function normally at work. Cried on several different times during this span. Didn't want to even go out on weekends). By the 4 month, things started getting better as I wasn't in emotional pain anymore. I wasn't effected when I would think of her, and slowly started going out again and started self-improving. However, even tho I thought of her less, I still clinged on that false hope of reconciliation that she would eventually contact me. By the 6th month, I was finally over her. I still thought of her, but they were just random emotionless thoughts. I started going on a few dates (none really sucessful) but it just showed me that she wasn't as special as I thought she was. That there was another world out there and that it was possible for me to find an even better girl than her. Keep in mind, it's been 7 months now and I have never reached out to her since the breakup nor has she reached out to me. So, this is a very key component because when enough times goes by and you don't hear from them, you finally accept the fact that it's over and that cancer that is false hope, dies. =)

[geronimo]

Gender: Male

Age: 23

In relationship for: about 5 years

Dumpee/Dumper: dumpee

 

Everything was perfect, so I thought, then out of the blue she used the excuse that her parents would never be ok with my religious background (a problem we did have from the beginning). This forum later helped me realize she just used that as an excuse to get out of the relationship cuz she had another guy lined up and got GIGS or whatever. Pretty much left me for this guy. Was in pure agony for quite sometime, went NC right away, but had contact with her 6 months post BU to get some things cleared up (basically wanted to know if the parents thing was really true, she just stuck to her story) in the end I realized I need to stop being an idiot and take it for what it is and move the f*ck on. I would say it took me about a year to get over it (its been officially a year and 2 months post BU) now even if she did come crawling back, i would tell her to go f*ck herself.

 

Oh and I hear that her and her new bf broke up and he was the one that initiated it and played her like a toy, I guess Karma is a thing

[GlobeTrotter9]

Gender: Male

Age: 22

In relationship for: 3 years

Dumpee/Dumper: dumpee

 

My girlfriend broke up with me very suddenly in early December and was seeing another guy within 5 days of doing so. I didn't see it coming at all which is what made it 100 times worse. I was absolutely crushed and 6 weeks down the line, I'm nowhere near over it yet. But I'm definitely heading in the right direction. I spent quite a while in denial that it had even happend and convinced myself it was only temporary and that we would get back together soon. I've reached a point now though where maybe its for the best that we're not together anymore because she's clearly not the girl I thought she was.

 

We live quite close together so I still see her around often. Yesterday was the first time I've run into her and not felt an attraction like I used to. I'm counting that as a major step because previously when I ran into her she was on my mind all day and it really upset me seeing her. I wouldn't say I'm anywhere near being over her completely yet and I still have nights when I really miss what we had together. But every day gets easier and hopefully I'm over the worst of it now.

[DexterLS]

Gender: Male

Age: 25

In relationship for: 6 years

Dumpee/Dumper: dumpee

 

Quite similar to Kace. My ex left me for someone else (actually cheated on me) when she went abroad for work. Last I heard, they got married a year after.

 

Took me around 8 months to fully be over it. Ex led me on quite a few times and there was a whole scene about her not returning my ring etc. So it took more time than I would have wanted.

[RySant]

QUESTION:

 

For Dumpees who got replaced/cheated on: How did you manage the self-esteem effects? This is what I fear the most in a relationship. Being dumped for someone else. I can just imagine the my ego and self-esteem destroyed and how I will feel like a loser/inferior/inadequate etc etc. Like I am less of a person than the one he/she'll replaced me with......

[Amelie1980]

Still not there yet. Hardly with him much but he strung me along for ages giving me hope and future faking.

[Amelie1980]

QUESTION:

 

For Dumpees who got replaced/cheated on: How did you manage the self-esteem effects? This is what I fear the most in a relationship. Being dumped for someone else. I can just imagine the my ego and self-esteem destroyed and how I will feel like a loser/inferior/inadequate etc etc. Like I am less of a person than the one he/she'll replaced me with......

 

It's happened to me twice in a row. It has a devastating effect on your self esteem.

 

it makes you look the other person up and compare yourself and ask yourself what do they have that I dont.

 

It has really messed me up and I feel not worthy of anyone or anything.

[kiki2015]

It's happened to me twice in a row. It has a devastating effect on your self esteem.

 

it makes you look the other person up and compare yourself and ask yourself what do they have that I dont.

 

It has really messed me up and I feel not worthy of anyone or anything.

 

I had four relationships before, two long terms, two less than 10 months. Each time the guy has left to be with a younger doe-eyed brunette. In the short term it's easy to let your self esteem take a hit, but really, as somebody pointed out to me many years ago, it's not about you it's about the person branch swinging/cheating.

 

In each case none of the relationships with these women lasted (I don't expect this latest one to last either, and all of them at some point have tried to 'come back') but the important thing I asked myself instead is not what's wrong with me and why they don't want you/how is this other person better, it's better to ask why am I attracted to these kind of partners?

 

I though there was no pattern, and I went to counselling and I found out that perhaps there is.

 

The important thing is to remember that they aren't better/worse, just different. Also don't judge from the outside and compare to your inside.

[kiki2015]

Gender: Female

Age: 34

In relationship from: 7 years

Broke up: 5 months ago

Dumpee/Dumper: Dumpee

 

Ex probably had someone lined up, I know he is seeing someone. Cried for two months, feeling better by the end of the third month, wobbled again in the fourth at Christmas and feeling much better in fifth month. No contact for a few days now (I wanted my expensive kitchen equipment back!) so saw ex last week and I was fine.

 

Am not open to a serious relationship at the moment, I'm happy with healing, and creative projects for the forseeable future. Also reading a lot of personal development books etc.

[Amelie1980]

I had four relationships before, two long terms, two less than 10 months. Each time the guy has left to be with a younger doe-eyed brunette. In the short term it's easy to let your self esteem take a hit, but really, as somebody pointed out to me many years ago, it's not about you it's about the person branch swinging/cheating.

 

In each case none of the relationships with these women lasted (I don't expect this latest one to last either, and all of them at some point have tried to 'come back') but the important thing I asked myself instead is not what's wrong with me and why they don't want you/how is this other person better, it's better to ask why am I attracted to these kind of partners?

 

I though there was no pattern, and I went to counselling and I found out that perhaps there is.

 

The important thing is to remember that they aren't better/worse, just different. Also don't judge from the outside and compare to your inside.

 

This is absolutely right.

 

If they are the type of person to do this then his value system doesnt match mine.

 

Once I was left for someone considerably older than me. Which messed me up even more.

 

Why am I attracted to branch swingers indeed.

[Nickr3023]

Gender: Male

Age: 33

In relationship from: 9 years (2012) 1 year (2015)

Dumpee/Dumper: dumpee

 

I guess I can give some insight from both sides, the side of me that's healed, and the side of me that's now crushed again.

 

Dated/lived almost married a girl I was with for just about 9 years. She cheated on me in 2010 with multiple guys, I forgave her, and we lasted until 2012. She left me for another guy (that she is now marrying) That took me a long time to completely get over. We started talking again a few months after the breakup for about a month, and then I went complete NC for about a year and a half. We ended up at a mutual friends wedding and acted like complete strangers and that was extremely difficult. Finally about 6 months after that, so roughly 2+ years after the relationship ended I broke contact, messaged her and forgave her for everything that happened. We now speak usually once a month or so to see how the other one is doing. Keep in mind this is the girl I thought I was going to marry and be with the rest of my life.....so I guess there is hope that eventually, it does get easier.

 

Now I'm going through the same thing. Was with a girl for only a year, but it was an extremely intense but toxic and off/on relationship. She ended up cheating on me in November and we broke up the next day. This has been an extremely difficult 2 months. I'm sure the other breakup felt the same way, but it's so long ago that this one just feels more intense. I've started counseling and anti-depressants because I just want to feel normal again. So 2 months in and I'd say I'm still not in the best frame of mind. Hopefully it starts getting easier at some point now.

 

Hope this helps.

[Snix0805]

Gender: female

Age: 25

In relationship from: 4 years

Dumpee/Dumper: dumpee

 

My ex cheated on me with his co worker. It's not even the first time it happened and I should have left then and there but I was too blind and too afraid to be alone. He was devastated when I found out and said would fix things. We went back and forth with it until he decided to dump me and told me he was tired, didn't know what he wantwd and just wanted to be alone. A week after that I found out I was pregnant but ha a moscarriage due to stress ans he wasn't even there and thought I was using it to get him back. I have seen him thrice since the BU last year with that girl he cheated on me with. He has been blatantly telling our mutual friends too that he's a lot happier without me and does not regret leaving yhe relationship at all. My self esteem really took a blow and it's still in pieces right now.

 

It's been 3months since the BU and I'm still nowhere near feeling better. 2 months of NC since he has bocked me everywhere, I was forced to do NC. I do hope my post counts as valid though even if I am not yet healed as I am looking for hope that I will get over everything soon

[mightycpa]

My resume is way too long to respond as you've asked. I'll tell you this much, each one is different. I think it all depends on how much you bought in to the whole "we" thing... how much your identity is tied up into the relationship.

 

If you feel like that, it can take years. If you harbored doubts, or never quite thought of it that way, days to weeks to months is more likely.

 

What's for sure is that as much data as you might gather with this line of inquiry, it won't give you any insight into your particular situation. My dumpee misery lasted for as little as a day to years. It all depends.