WhirlwindGuy Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Hello again. I have some questions about this dating thing. As some of you know who have been following me, I have been in a whirlwind of dating the past few months but have found someone now that I have grown quite fond of. We have been exclusively "boyfriend and girlfriend" for around 2 months now Her and I have become extremely close over the past couple of months and it has been nice. We have a sort of snag though. I am not sure if this is common, because I haven't dated like this in ages, so I wanted opinions. I have a good career, I stay busy during the days, but am pretty flexible and can adjust my schedule when necessary to accommodate things. She doesn't have this ability. She is an MD and works a lot; 6 days a week most of the time, 7am to 6pm usually. When she isn't working, she has classes to attend, conferences, chores to do, etc. When that isn't going on, she has a very demanding mother who also lives with her. So needless to say, her time is very limited. That said, she go's out of her way to fit me in any time she possibly can. We try to have lunch together every day, regardless of what hospital or office she is at for at least an hour. She lives close and often stops by my apartment on the way home at night to just give me a hug and kiss. She is really trying, but the time is just not there. We very rarely have the time to fit in a real date night, or a sleep over. Sleep overs are kind of out of the question anyway, with her mom living with her, as they are very traditional and do not do that before they are married. I am not used to that, but can respect it. We have talked about making up some business trip excuse for her and sneaking away for a weekend out of town, and we may do that soon, although I think to progress, more regularity is probably needed. I'm kind of stuck on how to see this progress any further beyond this. We both agree that we love each other, and we want to see where this go's. We want things to progress, and we have laughingly talked about engagement, living together. I am not sure how to get there. We are obviously not close to engagement time, or moving in time, but its fun to talk and joke about, and its something we both eventually want, should things work out the way they have been. In past relationships, and in observing friends that have been single, things just happen like that. The girl will start staying over more, you start spending weekends together, etc. But what happens when circumstances just don't allow it? what happens when she works every Saturday, sometimes out of town? I cant believe that it would be a lost cause, right? I'm sure there is just some patience needed, and probably extra effort on our part to make it work? Anyone ever had to deal with this, successfully or not? I'm curious. I am willing to be as patient as it takes, she is an amazing woman and we click very well together, I just have trouble seeing how or what to do next. Should I just not worry about it and let it happen? Thanks!
smackie9 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Either you accept the way things are, because I'm tell you right now she is in a demanding career that will ALWAYS take up her time (so very little will ever change), or you find someone who has a more compatible schedule. 1
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted January 13, 2016 Author Posted January 13, 2016 Either you accept the way things are, because I'm tell you right now she is in a demanding career that will ALWAYS take up her time (so very little will ever change), or you find someone who has a more compatible schedule. I completely get that, I don't necessarily mind the nature of her career. It was one of the things that I heavily pondered before I decided to pursue a relationship with her. When or if we ever live together, I will obviously see her when she comes home at night, and the off chance she has weekends available, etc. Of course vacations, etc. She has also mentioned trying to scale back now that she has a significant other in her life, to a more manageable schedule, not that I am encouraging that. I'm wondering though, how do you get a relationship going and progressing like that? If you are basically held to being able to see each other an hour or so a day, sometimes, how do you ever know if you are ready for living together, or engagement?
soph-walker Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 I'm wondering though, how do you get a relationship going and progressing like that? If you are basically held to being able to see each other an hour or so a day, sometimes, how do you ever know if you are ready for living together, or engagement? If your pseudonym is anything to go by, Whirlwind Guy, then I suggest you change to a gentle breeze;) It's been 2 months, what's the rush? Get to know her more before deciding on life decisions.
ses Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 I feel for you. My boyfriend's finishing his last year of medical school and will be applying for residency later this year. Due to his career we knew we had to be serious about our expectations, especially if we wanted the relationship to last. Our eventual goal is to live together after he matches in a year. You should talk about expectations to ensure you two are on the same page—not just a casual conversation in passing. It's not easy when one or both parties are in medicine, so patience and understanding are imperative. Communicate, communicate, communicate. It's easy to get frustrated. I know I've let my loneliness get to me sometimes but it's a minor thing because I love who I'm with and I see our future. Since my guy is busy finishing his rotations and studying for his boards I rarely see him. We stay connected through video chats and texts until we're able to see each other in person. Time is limited which makes every minute we spend together bittersweet and cherished. I remember staying with him for a few weeks which helped us get comfortable around each other. There was one occasion where he had night float from 8pm-8am. My schedule was flexible so I stayed up until he returned home, and then went to work. What's your girlfriend's specialty? Some specialties like surgery are killer during residency and a personal life is difficult due to the unpredictable and crazy hours; other fields like primary care offer a more flexible work/life balance. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Our situations are pretty similar man. I'm a personal trainer and make a great living off part time hours. So a lot more flexibility. My GF does 50-60 hour weeks as a hairstylist. She doesn't finish a typical work day until 9-10pm..LOL Plus, her two days off are Sun/Mon and Mon is my busiest training day. So that leaves a sleepover weekday after she's off work, a late date night on Sat (after 8pm) and a full Sun. Do we wish we saw each other more? Of course. But when you care about someone and make the most out of the time you have, you can still have a very rewarding loving relationship. Traveling together also adds a lot to. We have our third vacation together coming up on a month, and a few more later this year. 1
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I feel for you. My boyfriend's finishing his last year of medical school and will be applying for residency later this year. Due to his career we knew we had to be serious about our expectations, especially if we wanted the relationship to last. Our eventual goal is to live together after he matches in a year. You should talk about expectations to ensure you two are on the same page—not just a casual conversation in passing. It's not easy when one or both parties are in medicine, so patience and understanding are imperative. Communicate, communicate, communicate. It's easy to get frustrated. I know I've let my loneliness get to me sometimes but it's a minor thing because I love who I'm with and I see our future. Since my guy is busy finishing his rotations and studying for his boards I rarely see him. We stay connected through video chats and texts until we're able to see each other in person. Time is limited which makes every minute we spend together bittersweet and cherished. I remember staying with him for a few weeks which helped us get comfortable around each other. There was one occasion where he had night float from 8pm-8am. My schedule was flexible so I stayed up until he returned home, and then went to work. What's your girlfriend's specialty? Some specialties like surgery are killer during residency and a personal life is difficult due to the unpredictable and crazy hours; other fields like primary care offer a more flexible work/life balance. Doesn't your bf have kids from a previous relationship? 1
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 I feel for you. My boyfriend's finishing his last year of medical school and will be applying for residency later this year. Due to his career we knew we had to be serious about our expectations, especially if we wanted the relationship to last. Our eventual goal is to live together after he matches in a year. You should talk about expectations to ensure you two are on the same page—not just a casual conversation in passing. It's not easy when one or both parties are in medicine, so patience and understanding are imperative. Communicate, communicate, communicate. It's easy to get frustrated. I know I've let my loneliness get to me sometimes but it's a minor thing because I love who I'm with and I see our future. Since my guy is busy finishing his rotations and studying for his boards I rarely see him. We stay connected through video chats and texts until we're able to see each other in person. Time is limited which makes every minute we spend together bittersweet and cherished. I remember staying with him for a few weeks which helped us get comfortable around each other. There was one occasion where he had night float from 8pm-8am. My schedule was flexible so I stayed up until he returned home, and then went to work. What's your girlfriend's specialty? Some specialties like surgery are killer during residency and a personal life is difficult due to the unpredictable and crazy hours; other fields like primary care offer a more flexible work/life balance. She is a pulmonary doc with a private practice. It is probably not the MOST demanding, but it can be pretty tough. I appreciate the insight. I am glad she is past residency. Her sister is in residency as an ER doc, and I hear stories about how crazy demanding that is. 1
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 Our situations are pretty similar man. I'm a personal trainer and make a great living off part time hours. So a lot more flexibility. My GF does 50-60 hour weeks as a hairstylist. She doesn't finish a typical work day until 9-10pm..LOL Plus, her two days off are Sun/Mon and Mon is my busiest training day. So that leaves a sleepover weekday after she's off work, a late date night on Sat (after 8pm) and a full Sun. Do we wish we saw each other more? Of course. But when you care about someone and make the most out of the time you have, you can still have a very rewarding loving relationship. Traveling together also adds a lot to. We have our third vacation together coming up on a month, and a few more later this year. I wish we had that much time...but I hear you, its tough. She came over last night, she got out early and was able to stay from around 430 to 8. I made dinner and we just "netflixed and chilled" haha...It was a great night, we were able to really focus on each other and talk about expectations a bit. We started talking about trying to plan a weekend get away somewhere. Even if its just here in our home town, just go get a room downtown and act like tourists for the weekend.
ses Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Doesn't your bf have kids from a previous relationship? Haha, nope. If you're looking at my previous threads from a few years ago, I did have divorced fathers interested in me but I never dated them. My current guy and me are without children.
ses Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 She is a pulmonary doc with a private practice. It is probably not the MOST demanding, but it can be pretty tough. I appreciate the insight. I am glad she is past residency. Her sister is in residency as an ER doc, and I hear stories about how crazy demanding that is. Yeah, ER has high burn-out rates and is stressful, next to surgery. My boyfriend wanted to be a surgeon but the crazy hours and the 5-7 years of residency (including fellowship) convinced him otherwise, thankfully. He may still apply for EM but is primarily considering family/internal medicine. It was really sweet when he told me he wanted to consider spending time with me in his lifestyle. I've spent several nights in hotels with my boyfriend, in addition to traveling to see him which has greatly strengthened our relationship. I think you should continue seeing her and keeping your expectations in mind. Doctors are very type-A, driven individuals, and a lot of them will let their career take precedence, which makes sense when you've spent hundreds of dollars in tuition and a decade studying for your chosen profession. 1
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Haha, nope. If you're looking at my previous threads from a few years ago, I did have divorced fathers interested in me but I never dated them. My current guy and me are without children. And both of you are in your 20s I'd imagine
MightyQuinn Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I wish we had that much time...but I hear you, its tough. She came over last night, she got out early and was able to stay from around 430 to 8. I made dinner and we just "netflixed and chilled" haha...It was a great night, we were able to really focus on each other and talk about expectations a bit. We started talking about trying to plan a weekend get away somewhere. Even if its just here in our home town, just go get a room downtown and act like tourists for the weekend. So it's not exactly the same thing, but I work a 9-5 with weekends off and my Guy works retail with unpredictable hours, and usually ends up working a lot of nights and weekends. During the holidays, it was really hard because obviously busiest shopping season and he was scheduled a lot of hours. But when both people view the relationship as worthwhile, you both find ways to see each other. We do the "netflix and chill" a lot, but also get out to go bowling and to the movies occasionally. I have way more PTO than I could probably use, so I've been taking a weekday off here and there to spend with him when he has a day off. Now 2 weekends from now is the first full weekend he's had off since Halloween I think. I brought up the idea of having a weekend getaway and he's onboard, but now we're having a hard time trying to figure out where to go and what to do, because its the dead of winter! Hope you're able to work things out and get to see your sweetheart. 2
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) Yeah, ER has high burn-out rates and is stressful, next to surgery. My boyfriend wanted to be a surgeon but the crazy hours and the 5-7 years of residency (including fellowship) convinced him otherwise, thankfully. He may still apply for EM but is primarily considering family/internal medicine. It was really sweet when he told me he wanted to consider spending time with me in his lifestyle. I've spent several nights in hotels with my boyfriend, in addition to traveling to see him which has greatly strengthened our relationship. I think you should continue seeing her and keeping your expectations in mind. Doctors are very type-A, driven individuals, and a lot of them will let their career take precedence, which makes sense when you've spent hundreds of dollars in tuition and a decade studying for your chosen profession. I agree, and at first I really thought about not even trying with her. It seemed like she would be perpetually unavailable. When she isn't working, she is going to seminars, doing volunteer work, dealing with her mother, etc. But I decided she was worth it. Gorgeous girl, extremely caring and loving, we just get a long so well. She has made a tremendous effort to make time for me in her schedule. I am just trying to adjust my expectations. That said, every time I adjust them down, she exceeds them, so there is that. I know she is trying to adjust. Today she took a call and offered one of her weekend days coming up to volunteer. She hung up and I asked her, are you giving up more of your limited free time? It kind of dawned on her. I told her I don't intend for her to change her life, but eventually she may have to make a choice with something. She cant continue to do it all. I am just not sure how to move a relationship forward (when it is ready) like this. We usually see each other for an hour at lunch (she surprised me and showed up at my office today, looking amazingly cute in her scrubs), every so often we catch an hour or two in the evenings. And even more rare, we get 4+ hours for a date. She has been surprising me lately and texting me to come downstairs at night, and she is parked at my apartment building for a quick kiss and embrace before she heads home to clean up and go to bed. I think that is the most endearing thing ever, personally. I guess it will happen if it is meant to be... Edited January 14, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy 1
ses Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 And both of you are in your 20s I'd imagine Yes, and children are not in our plan.
ses Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I agree, and at first I really thought about not even trying with her. It seemed like she would be perpetually unavailable. When she isn't working, she is going to seminars, doing volunteer work, dealing with her mother, etc. But I decided she was worth it. Gorgeous girl, extremely caring and loving, we just get a long so well. She has made a tremendous effort to make time for me in her schedule. I am just trying to adjust my expectations. That said, every time I adjust them down, she exceeds them, so there is that. I know she is trying to adjust. Today she took a call and offered one of her weekend days coming up to volunteer. She hung up and I asked her, are you giving up more of your limited free time? It kind of dawned on her. I told her I don't intend for her to change her life, but eventually she may have to make a choice with something. She cant continue to do it all. I am just not sure how to move a relationship forward (when it is ready) like this. We usually see each other for an hour at lunch (she surprised me and showed up at my office today, looking amazingly cute in her scrubs), every so often we catch an hour or two in the evenings. And even more rare, we get 4+ hours for a date. She has been surprising me lately and texting me to come downstairs at night, and she is parked at my apartment building for a quick kiss and embrace before she heads home to clean up and go to bed. I think that is the most endearing thing ever, personally. I guess it will happen if it is meant to be... Yeah, absolutely. Honestly, I think a lot of physicians date other physicians or medical professionals because they're used to the "schedule," and have adjusted to it—whereas 9-5, weekends off, is traditional and expected for most everyone else. It's easy for them, plus there's no need to worry about your significant other getting lost in medical jargon or grossed out when cases are discussed at the table. :rolleyes: I remember going on a date with a resident before meeting my boyfriend and was shocked when he showed me how many consecutive days he was on call. 12-15 hour days are tough. It's difficult to have a personal life when you enter a demanding field with limited availability. You may feel like second fiddle to their work unless they actively choose to make you a priority. I'm fortunate that my boyfriend has emphasized that, and I know I can be needy/clingy sometimes. How old are you two? Has she spoken to you about marriage/children in the future? A lot of female docs scale back their hours when they choose to have a family which is why so many are concentrated in primary care (better hours). So many docs are invested as MDs, and that is their sole identity. It's a prestigious career and the income isn't bad at all. I wish you guys the best. Have an abundance of patience and empathy. 1
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 Yeah, absolutely. Honestly, I think a lot of physicians date other physicians or medical professionals because they're used to the "schedule," and have adjusted to it—whereas 9-5, weekends off, is traditional and expected for most everyone else. It's easy for them, plus there's no need to worry about your significant other getting lost in medical jargon or grossed out when cases are discussed at the table. :rolleyes: I remember going on a date with a resident before meeting my boyfriend and was shocked when he showed me how many consecutive days he was on call. 12-15 hour days are tough. It's difficult to have a personal life when you enter a demanding field with limited availability. You may feel like second fiddle to their work unless they actively choose to make you a priority. I'm fortunate that my boyfriend has emphasized that, and I know I can be needy/clingy sometimes. How old are you two? Has she spoken to you about marriage/children in the future? A lot of female docs scale back their hours when they choose to have a family which is why so many are concentrated in primary care (better hours). So many docs are invested as MDs, and that is their sole identity. It's a prestigious career and the income isn't bad at all. I wish you guys the best. Have an abundance of patience and empathy. I'm 38 and she is 35. We have tossed around the idea of marriage and kids definitely. She is very traditional, and Muslim. She isn't strict, but follows certain rules that I am also new to. She isn't used to dating for instance, in fact I think its discouraged. So needless to say, she isn't looking to date long. She wants kids, but doesn't want to have them right away. Her words are that she would like to enjoy her husband a little while before kids come along. She has also talked about scaling back her hours as things get more serious between us. I am not sure she is capable personally, she is a workaholic and very dedicated, but that's completely up to her. I make enough money that she doesn't really have to work if she doesn't want to. We may not be able to have the lifestyle she is interested in with only my income, but we could get by. Obviously her income would be a huge boost for us long term. I don't care though, it isn't about the money for me. I just enjoy her. She went to USC for her undergrad, grad, and medical school, and has quite a bit of student loans to plow through (USC isn't cheap). We did "blue sky" one evening about her opening a couple of offices and hiring younger docs to work and her scaling back her involvement somewhat, to focus on family. Ultimately I think that is what she would like to do, if that can happen. I suppose we will see in time. Maybe I quit and start working for her. She is admittedly bad at the business side of her practice, and that's what I do...so perhaps there is that. I think we will be fine, its just going to take time and patience. I just need to adjust what I am used to. I am typically the busy one and the bread winner, so this is all new ground for me. It is probably better this way honestly. It forces me to pace things and slow down, which im typically not good at.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 I'm 38 and she is 35. We have tossed around the idea of marriage and kids definitely. She is very traditional, and Muslim. She isn't strict, but follows certain rules that I am also new to. She isn't used to dating for instance, in fact I think its discouraged. So needless to say, she isn't looking to date long. She wants kids, but doesn't want to have them right away. Her words are that she would like to enjoy her husband a little while before kids come along. She has also talked about scaling back her hours as things get more serious between us. I am not sure she is capable personally, she is a workaholic and very dedicated, but that's completely up to her. I make enough money that she doesn't really have to work if she doesn't want to. We may not be able to have the lifestyle she is interested in with only my income, but we could get by. Obviously her income would be a huge boost for us long term. I don't care though, it isn't about the money for me. I just enjoy her. She went to USC for her undergrad, grad, and medical school, and has quite a bit of student loans to plow through (USC isn't cheap). We did "blue sky" one evening about her opening a couple of offices and hiring younger docs to work and her scaling back her involvement somewhat, to focus on family. Ultimately I think that is what she would like to do, if that can happen. I suppose we will see in time. Maybe I quit and start working for her. She is admittedly bad at the business side of her practice, and that's what I do...so perhaps there is that. I think we will be fine, its just going to take time and patience. I just need to adjust what I am used to. I am typically the busy one and the bread winner, so this is all new ground for me. It is probably better this way honestly. It forces me to pace things and slow down, which im typically not good at. Wow, boyfriend and girlfriend in late 30s? Usually people don't have those types of relationships anymore, its usually marriage
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted January 15, 2016 Author Posted January 15, 2016 Wow, boyfriend and girlfriend in late 30s? Usually people don't have those types of relationships anymore, its usually marriage Well. You gotta start somewhere, right? Im not sure how she would have reacted if we went straight from a few dates to engagement. 1
ses Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 Well. You gotta start somewhere, right? Im not sure how she would have reacted if we went straight from a few dates to engagement. Pretty common among strict Muslims, actually. Several of my friends took the traditional route and had a short engagement prior to their nikkah (Islamic marriage ceremony). The nikkah permits consummation of the marriage which is why engagements are often short, and a "walima" is the reception for family and friends. Among the orthodox view, all forms of sexual contact is considered a sin which is why marriage is often encouraged when you're young. A lot of my friends were married before 25—two at 18, but the girls had already graduated college and wanted to settle down immediately. Even if she's not strict, she might still expect that her children are raised Muslim—pray and observe Ramadan, among other things. Do you know her feelings on these issues? Fertility tends to decline rapidly and quite precipitously after 35 so if she wants to have them, she should decide sooner rather than later (no pressure, however). I'd also separate business from pleasure, unless you want to bring the work with you. It sounds like a good idea since you possess the business acumen but could add unneeded stress to your relationship, especially if she's the boss and you're used to the alpha role. Fwiw this is my first relationship as well but I would've been comfortable waiting 'til I was 30, lol. 1
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted January 15, 2016 Author Posted January 15, 2016 Pretty common among strict Muslims, actually. Several of my friends took the traditional route and had a short engagement prior to their nikkah (Islamic marriage ceremony). The nikkah permits consummation of the marriage which is why engagements are often short, and a "walima" is the reception for family and friends. Among the orthodox view, all forms of sexual contact is considered a sin which is why marriage is often encouraged when you're young. A lot of my friends were married before 25—two at 18, but the girls had already graduated college and wanted to settle down immediately. Even if she's not strict, she might still expect that her children are raised Muslim—pray and observe Ramadan, among other things. Do you know her feelings on these issues? Fertility tends to decline rapidly and quite precipitously after 35 so if she wants to have them, she should decide sooner rather than later (no pressure, however). I'd also separate business from pleasure, unless you want to bring the work with you. It sounds like a good idea since you possess the business acumen but could add unneeded stress to your relationship, especially if she's the boss and you're used to the alpha role. Fwiw this is my first relationship as well but I would've been comfortable waiting 'til I was 30, lol. We haven't really discussed raising kids Muslim, but I have a feeling she wouldn't have strong feelings either way. I wouldn't either. I think a strong spiritual background is a good foundation for children to learn, but I am not concerned with how it manifests itself. I would say she is more spiritual than super orthodox, but she does follow some of the main tenants and then also has to pay respect to her mom, which is a little more strict (her mom hates me for some reason, btw). Hence, we date, but we cant really tell her mom that. We hold hands and kiss, etc. While we have had sex already (just recently), that is not something she takes lightly and was quite a big step for her to do so. She has only slept with one other person in her whole life, and it was someone she thought she was going to marry that ended up betraying her. I didn't pressure it, just the opposite really, I was trying to talk her down to make sure she wasn't going to regret it later. I would have been ok to wait till whenever. It is kind of funny and cute, but it is like dating a 35 year old teenager. She is very naïve and inexperienced, and I can tell she is just wanting to bust out of her constraints she has dealt with her whole life. For example she tells me in one ear that she doesn't agree with PDA (public display of affection), yet we are at the mall she grabs me and starts making out with me in the middle of the walkway with people around everywhere, for a long time...I am pretty liberal with PDA, but even I am like "whoa, easy!" We had another last minute, unexpected date last night which was so nice. She text me at 430 and said her afternoon patient canceled and to meet her somewhere. We ended up at this outdoor mall, had dinner and just strolled around and talked till around 830. The more time I spend around her, the more real and in love I feel. its pretty awesome. Her sister is going to be in town this weekend, and since her mom seems to hate me, I am not really going to see them all weekend, as they will be doing girl things. Kind of bums me out, I have no clue why her mom doesn't like me. I would love to be able to take the three of them to dinner and meet her sister, and I know she would like that too. I have tried to reach out to her mother to talk, and she ignores my requests, so I have given up at this point. Either way, we wont really talk or see each other until Monday now. Thanks a lot for all the feedback. Helps me see the light a little. 1
ses Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 We haven't really discussed raising kids Muslim, but I have a feeling she wouldn't have strong feelings either way. I wouldn't either. I think a strong spiritual background is a good foundation for children to learn, but I am not concerned with how it manifests itself. I would say she is more spiritual than super orthodox, but she does follow some of the main tenants and then also has to pay respect to her mom, which is a little more strict (her mom hates me for some reason, btw). Hence, we date, but we cant really tell her mom that. We hold hands and kiss, etc. While we have had sex already (just recently), that is not something she takes lightly and was quite a big step for her to do so. She has only slept with one other person in her whole life, and it was someone she thought she was going to marry that ended up betraying her. I didn't pressure it, just the opposite really, I was trying to talk her down to make sure she wasn't going to regret it later. I would have been ok to wait till whenever. It is kind of funny and cute, but it is like dating a 35 year old teenager. She is very naïve and inexperienced, and I can tell she is just wanting to bust out of her constraints she has dealt with her whole life. For example she tells me in one ear that she doesn't agree with PDA (public display of affection), yet we are at the mall she grabs me and starts making out with me in the middle of the walkway with people around everywhere, for a long time...I am pretty liberal with PDA, but even I am like "whoa, easy!" We had another last minute, unexpected date last night which was so nice. She text me at 430 and said her afternoon patient canceled and to meet her somewhere. We ended up at this outdoor mall, had dinner and just strolled around and talked till around 830. The more time I spend around her, the more real and in love I feel. its pretty awesome. Her sister is going to be in town this weekend, and since her mom seems to hate me, I am not really going to see them all weekend, as they will be doing girl things. Kind of bums me out, I have no clue why her mom doesn't like me. I would love to be able to take the three of them to dinner and meet her sister, and I know she would like that too. I have tried to reach out to her mother to talk, and she ignores my requests, so I have given up at this point. Either way, we wont really talk or see each other until Monday now. Thanks a lot for all the feedback. Helps me see the light a little. This sounds horrible and is quite discriminatory but her mother may hate you BECAUSE you're not Muslim—most traditional, orthodox Muslims believe Muslim women can only marry other Muslim men. Strict interpretations are found in the Qur'an, and Islamic orthodoxy holds that the man is the "amir" (leader) of the household, so a non-Muslim man may choose to raise their children non-Muslim. Most mosques/imams wouldn't recognize or agree to perform your nikkah were you to try to have one—the only way is through conversion (saying the testimony of faith/shahada). I have Muslim friends whose partners are non-Muslim but they're very liberal and have had to jump through hoops to find someone Muslim who's down with their relationship. Unless you convert, your relationship will probably be considered haram (forbidden) and you two would also be commiting zina (extramarital relations), also forbidden.
ses Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 Is your girlfriend from an immigrant background, also? That may also explain the mother's resistance to you. She may not be warning up to you because you're not from her cultural/ethnic background and worries her daughter will lose ties to her heritage and become too "Westernized"—a common belief among immigrant Muslim families. Even though her daughter is in her mid-30's her mother may think her daughter is sowing her wild oats and will settle down to an arranged marriage in the future. My boyfriend was born/raised here in the US but his family's South Asian. His mother's not too traditional as she's let me spend the night at the house with him and has also invited me over independently while he's away, but we're not close yet. I'm lucky that my boyfriend has openly stuck by my side and is committed to our relationship because it would be difficult, otherwise. He's also not religious so that doesn't affect our relationship, either.
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted January 15, 2016 Author Posted January 15, 2016 Her mom is Saudi and was arranged to marry an Egyptian that was living here in the states. My girlfriend and her sister were born here, but have a pretty big family back in the Middle East that they visit quite often. I have been nothing but nice with her mother since I've known her, but other than the first time we met, she doesn't really acknowledge me. My gf has made it clear that she is going to confront her mother eventually about this. Her father is not in the picture.
ses Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 What is "eventually"? Do you think your girlfriend will drag her feet about it until you confront her directly? I don't know about the Arab mindset specifically, but the immigrant Muslim mentality is not only hard to crack but you're coming from a foreign, Westernized background. Among Muslim countries, including the Gulf states, Saudi Arabia is the strictest about gender segregation and Islamic ethos. I'm not surprised your girlfriend is acting out her sexual urges with you because she's probably been segregated from men throughout her life. She probably still feels some guilt for having had premarital sex which is why she's hot and cold with you right now. I remember being super religious in my early 20's and choosing to abstain from sex/dating. When I finally had sex I went crazy because I was so repressed. It was very unhealthy, and it took me until late last year to settle down and realize how messed up my brain had become because I internalized and repressed my own sexual thoughts and felt shame. I was so conflicted about my own sexuality yet engaged in it, nonetheless. Your girlfriend probably feels a lot of cognitive dissonance, also. Do you think she's very Westernized, or do you anticipate she could be more religious in the future? She may be liberal among Saudis but the arrival of children could change her thinking. Will her mother always be in the picture? Most immigrant children feel an obligation to take care of their parents so she might be living with you two until she passes away. Are you okay with that?
Recommended Posts