trueloveexists Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 (edited) My new boyfriend and I just officially began dating. We had been talking for a couple months (since around Halloween time) and have known each other since June of last year. Just by that info alone, you can gather that I am still in the process of getting to know him. Although there are many great qualities that I have come to discover about him, there have been red flags along the way already and I was hoping to get some unbiased opinions. I am at a point where I feel I need to either reevaluate my decision or proceed with the intention of accepting these personality characteristics. “Here's what I've learned about deal-breakers. If you have enough natural chemistry with someone, you overlook every single thing that you said would break the deal.” – I think Taylor Swift might have been onto something. First off, he just moved out of his roommate’s house this past weekend. He had been dating her for about a year. They had broken up months ago, but he decided to stay there post break up out of convenience for the time being. She was home during the week, he worked during the week (he travels for work out of state) – He was home on the weekends, she worked during the weekends. In addition, he has a dog and she offered to continue to help take care of it while he was traveling. However, although he has been over her for months, she still clearly isn’t – She went haywire when she came across one of my social media accounts two weekends ago and saw pictures of us together. This was alarming and puzzling to me since they have been broken up for a good while now.. so it’s made me wonder if things have really been over between them. He told me he’s sat down with her three times for the break up convo and all three times she didn’t accept the break-up was occurring.. Not only does she sound delusional but also neurotic. What I’m getting at with all of this is that I can’t understand why someone would continue to shack up in their ex’s place solely out of convenience for months after a break-up, when you know that they aren’t over you. It seems cruel and selfish to me. Am I overthinking this? The second red flag is that he is consistently looking at/talking of/making comments about other women in front of me. Yes, I have told him this bothers me and he understands.. Yet it still continues, which leads me to believe this is just part of who he is and not particularly something he could or wants to work on. I don’t expect a man to NEVER make a comment or check out a woman in front of me, but when it begins to become excessive, I feel it’s disrespectful and it leads me to eventually feel insecure and like I’m not enough for him. Before I begin to list some examples, I also want to add that he has a lot of female friends and way more than I’m used to a man I’m dating having. The fact alone doesn’t bother me, but more so how this relates and ties in to this red flag (see examples below): - On our first date, he spoke about other beautiful women multiple times and what bothered me most in particular is how he kept mentioning how a woman I work with is one of the most beautiful women he’s ever seen in his life and how she has the best butt in the office. - While we were out at the mall and passing a woman in a tight fitting maxi-dress, he turned to me asked “Doesn’t that dress fit her nicely?” - While out to dinner one night, a woman walked by our table and he out loud tried to guess her age and referred to her as “a smoke show”. -He went out to a concert with a female friend last weekend and commented before going that she is somewhat overweight but still very beautiful. - When we went out to a basketball game with his friends (a couple), his friend's girlfriend was wearing a very low cut top exposing her massive, fake breasts. It was the first thing he commented on upon her walking into the room, in front of me. - Last week on a week night, he went out to get a few drinks with a female friend. He called me while with her and the first thing I heard on the other end was him saying “Your boobs got huge!” – He was speaking to her and didn’t realize I had picked up yet apparently. Later at around midnight, he showed up at my place wasted and confessed to me that the friend he met up with is a porn star. He then told me drunkenly that “I’m not the most beautiful girl in the world, but the most beautiful girl he knows.” - He has brought up threesomes on multiple occasions. He has made it known that some time further down the road, he would like to have one. These are just some examples and unfortunately there are many more to add to the list above. I don't like feeling like I'm the jealous type, because I usually am not. Does it seem like I'm being jealous or do you think I am justified to not find this behavior acceptable? I am a trusting person and I am not worried that he's out cheating on me or being unfaithful- I give my trust until that trust is broken. I simply feel disrespected and hurt. As far as the first red flag goes, I feel I am in my right to feel uneasy with the whole ex situation and it almost seems there is something being left out of the story. If you have read up until this point, I appreciate your time and I would be grateful for any advice. Edited January 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
GunslingerRoland Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 I guess it depends on what you are willing to live with. Nothing you've said guarantees that he is a cheater or anything. But he sounds like quite the player and I don't see his ways changing that much at this point. If you want to watch your boyfriend and maybe later husband flirting with beautiful women in front of you all the time, then by all means stay with him, but I imagine this is going to get old really fast. 1
soph-walker Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Re his comments about other women...he's either disrespectful or has no self awareness/knows nothing about women. I'd make it clear you don't feel comfortable with him talking about other women like that in front of you. 3
VeveCakes Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Ew. Dude is oblivious to how to act in front of a lady. Sounds like he's obsessed with women, can't break up with his gf nor give his side chick the attention she wants. You are the side chick in this. What's appealing here? 6
TheTraveler Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Those are huge red flags IMO. You are a stepping stone to him finding someone else. 2
contel3 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 What I’m getting at with all of this is that I can’t understand why someone would continue to shack up in their ex’s place solely out of convenience for months after a break-up, when you know that they aren’t over you. It seems cruel and selfish to me. Am I overthinking this? I don't think you are overthinking this. It is cruel and selfish to continue messing with her. Which is what he is doing by not moving out. The second red flag looks like he is trying to manage down your expectations. By talking about others girls he opens you up to the possibility of him cheating. Talking about threesomes serves the same purpose. He is testing your boundaries. If you stay with this guy I'd expect the disrespect to get worse with time. 2
smackie9 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 come on now, he is totally being disrespectful, secondly, he is pretty selfish staying with his ex because it was more convenient for him. Hun it's all about him and nobody else....he's a narcissist. Dump this chump..... 5
hippychick3 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 I didn't have to read past your first example (although I did), to know that this guy is a disrespectful jerk. None of that would be okay with me, even once. I personally couldn't accept any of those behaviors. 3
lemonadekiwi Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 the way he speaks about women in front of you is such a lack of respect. If he does this in the beginning, trust me it will get worse. Huge red flags IMO. But, it comes down to what you will be able to live with. There's not enough evidence to suggest he's a cheat, he may just be very vocal. At the beginning you show your best side, it's true - this is the best you have with him. Is that what you want? 1
Redhead14 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 (edited) You need to have a conversation with him about what it is he wants for himself out of his dating journey and let him know what it is you want for yourself out of your journey. By his behavior, it appears he either just wants some kind of casual relationship or is just treating you like a buddy. If you are looking for a serious relationship for yourself -- he's not going to be that guy . . . he sounds extremely immature and/or clueless about how to treat a woman if he's interested in dating her for a relationship at best. He's behaving like he's looking for a casual/sexual, FWB or just plain old F Buddy to me. “I’m not the most beautiful girl in the world, but the most beautiful girl he knows.” -- Right now, at least . . . he'll keep looking for more beautiful women to know. Tell him you've enjoyed the time spent with him but that it's not working for you and that you're moving on. Edited January 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
WhirlwindGuy Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 (edited) As a guy, I am blown away that another guy would act like this in front of a female he was apparently involved with. I couldn't imagine any scenario in which this would be considered acceptable. When I am in love with someone, I find myself not even noticing other women around me, I am into and completely satisfied with the woman I am with. I am 38 though, so maybe that comes with maturity and age? Either way, I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. I hope it works out best for you. Edited January 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
GemmaUK Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 She went haywire when she came across one of my social media accounts two weekends ago and saw pictures of us together. This was alarming and puzzling to me since they have been broken up for a good while now.. so it’s made me wonder if things have really been over between them. He told me he’s sat down with her three times for the break up convo and all three times she didn’t accept the break-up was occurring. Sorry, I only read the first post but if this is what he has told you (alongside all of his other comments) then big red flag for me. Is she contacting you and going 'haywire'? If she is that bad then heck she would be wouldn't she??!! I would be running fast from this guy personally.
mrldii Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 IMHO, OP, the first "red flag" wasn't so bad; as a matter of fact, I took it the other way, that out of respect for you and your blossoming relationship with him, he did get out of the otherwise-convenient situation for him. Even if there were no other red flags, the fact that I've already indicated to him that his comments about/to other women in my presence bother me and he still continues to do it, is THE deal-breaker. Then, add to it that he has, after all, told you at some point he wants a 3-some and you're still with him indicates your tacit approval and willingness to go along with it. Yeah...I would have kicked his thirsty a** to the curb oh-let's-see probably around Halloween Eve, let alone still be wondering about him and his relationship-worthiness come mid-January. Best of luck to you, OP... 1
William Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Folks, when responding to long starting posts, please don't quote such posts in their entirety. If seeking to respond to a specific area, quote that area only. Otherwise, respond to the first post without a quotation. This makes it more readable, especially for members who read LoveShack.org on small mobile devices. I edited out some full quotes but made no other content changes. Thanks! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 I wouldn't be able to date a guy who so openly disrespected me by making comments like that in my presence. You've already explained that it bothers you; he didn't make any changes. That would be all I needed to know about how seriously he takes me. Next. Out of pure curiosity, how old is this guy? 1
Author trueloveexists Posted January 13, 2016 Author Posted January 13, 2016 I wouldn't be able to date a guy who so openly disrespected me by making comments like that in my presence. You've already explained that it bothers you; he didn't make any changes. That would be all I needed to know about how seriously he takes me. Next. Out of pure curiosity, how old is this guy? He is 29 years old.
venusishername Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 (edited) I'm with Smackie- reading your post reminded me of my ex. Total narcissist. I'd run fast from this guy. His comments about other women are extremely disrespectful. I realize it's a given that men are occasionally going to make remarks about other womens' appearance.. but not in a way that is demeaning or disrespectful in general, i.e. 'Your boobs got huge!' or calling someone while you are on a date a 'smoke show'. He sounds very immature. I wouldn't ignore the red flags that you've picked up on... your intuition is telling you something isn't right. The fact that he lived with his ex even though they've supposedly been broken up for some time, and also the fact that he badmouthed her (did I read that correctly?) is a HUGE red flag. No honest person continues living with their ex. I'm sorry. I don't care how 'convenient' it might be. It's disrespectful, inconsiderate, and sounds like a whole heck of a lot of drama too. I wouldn't trust that they have been 'broken up' for some time. As to the threesome comment: my ex mentioned having a threesome repeatedly, as if he was 'opening up the door' to him cheating. He actually ended up cheating during a brief separation in our relationship... I did not find this out til after we split. Anyway, he was testing my boundaries by bringing it up. My current boyfriend asked me (just in curiosity) if a threesome interested me, or if I was ever attracted to women. He said he was open to the idea, was just curious if I was, and then he dropped it.. so far. If he were to keep mentioning it, or talk about it in a way that was disrespectful and made me feel uncomfortable, I wouldn't tolerate it. I didn't hear you say that you told him that you agreed to doing it, what I am reading is that he told you that HE wants to have one, but didn't ask YOU how YOU felt about it. It's all about him, honey. The topic of a threesome seems to be something that pops up in a lot of relationships... I think the difference is someone who presses you about it after you've already made it clear you aren't interested... that's a problem. I guess most men would like to have more than one woman at the same time (they don't get the double standard that women do).... so I guess they feel that they may as well see where the other person in the relationship stands with it. I guess it doesn't hurt to ask. If my boyfriend ever brings it up again, I'm going to respond with 'hey, how do you feel about bringing your male friend so and so in for a threesome? I'd be ok with whomever he is, as long as he's attractive'. Ha! I love it. I just re-read your first post.. that he told you the friend he met was a porn star. Let's be real. Do you really want to date a guy who hangs out with porn stars? I sure don't. What is it that you see in him? Ask yourself that question and see if what you come up with outweighs the red flags you mention. Edited January 15, 2016 by venusishername
xcupid Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 Ditch him. Too many red flags. He's immature and you deserve better IMO.
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