Men and caving early on in a relationship?

[hippychick3]

Why are you assuming these are games? That he's ignoring YOU? He's shutting down from everything, he's taking care of an immediate crisis in front of him. The world does not revolve around you.

 

This might be his coping method of dealing with the loss of his job. Is it the best? No. But that you'd respond to that loss by thumbing your nose at him and dating another man, that quickly, is pretty heartless, IMO.

 

I mean, this is unbelievable to me.

 

2 days. He lost his job. Give the guy a break. Wait until he circles back around to address that you don't like how he handled it, but don't do what you're doing now. It's not right.

 

I disagree.

 

He has shut her out and shown disrespect by basically blowing her off last weekend and ignoring her text and phone call. She doesn't owe him her undying devotion after just one month. He's a grown man who is still responsible for his actions despite his current "crisis." There is no excuse to not responding to her at all.

[Gaeta]

Why are you assuming these are games? That he's ignoring YOU? He's shutting down from everything, he's taking care of an immediate crisis in front of him. The world does not revolve around you.

 

This might be his coping method of dealing with the loss of his job. Is it the best? No. But that you'd respond to that loss by thumbing your nose at him and dating another man, that quickly, is pretty heartless, IMO.

 

I mean, this is unbelievable to me.

 

2 days. He lost his job. Give the guy a break. Wait until he circles back around to address that you don't like how he handled it, but don't do what you're doing now. It's not right.

 

I am sorry, those are not acceptable behavior for a man his age. For a 20 yo maybe but when we've reached a certain age we've known worse in our life than to lose a job and we're suppose to have evolved and emotionally matured.

 

I am sure he's got his nose on his phone and continues talking to his brother in France or his friends here. It takes 2 seconds to reply to my text: Gaeta I'm sorry give me a few days I will call you next week.

 

Asking of him to not leave me in the dark is not wanting the world to revolved around me. I am not asking for his time, I am not asking for him to talk to me, I am asking for nothing from him.

[Redhead14]

This is common sense to me. It's like Male Psychology 101, actually.

 

Moreover, how she responds to this first crisis will determine whether he caves the next crisis.

 

There is more to it than that. When she first started the thread we all told her to give him some room. But as she revealed more info further into the thread, it's become clear to most of us that something else is afoot.

[Gaeta]

This is common sense to me. It's like Male Psychology 101, actually.

 

Moreover, how she responds to this first crisis will determine whether he caves the next crisis.

 

If you knew psychology 101 you'd know that caving is for men to desire some time along it's not an excuse for disappearing and ignoring.

[katiegrl]

I am sorry, those are not acceptable behavior for a man his age. For a 20 yo maybe but when we've reached a certain age we've known worse in our life than to lose a job and we're suppose to have evolved and emotionally matured.

 

I am sure he's got his nose on his phone and continues talking to his brother in France or his friends here. It takes 2 seconds to reply to my text: Gaeta I'm sorry give me a few days I will call you next week.

 

Asking of him to not leave me in the dark is not wanting the world to revolved around me. I am not asking for his time, I am not asking for him to talk to me, I am asking for nothing from him.

 

People need to read the entire thread to get the full story. There is SOOOOO much more to this than him merely ignoring you for two days.

 

He's been blowing you off since last Friday, that's a week tomorrow, which you have mentioned previously in the thread.

 

And his behavior has been elusive prior to that.... talking about needing distance, ignoring texts....not to mention his "work" excuse is extremely shady.

 

Gaeta, you're doing the right thing, which you already know.

 

1-2 days no contact is one thing, but combined with the rest of it (only a month in)..... no thanks, you deserve WAY better..... which thank the lord, you already know!!

Edited January 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

I'd like to add that this is not the first time he's done dark on her. The way a man handles crisis is also important to a woman. If he cuts her out every time, there is going to be distrust, insecurity and resentment . . . a day is not a big deal, even up to a week depending on the relationship and specific issue, but if there's a chronic pattern of cutting out and going dark, it's no fun for a woman. It becomes disrespectful. I have other reasons for not "liking" this guy, but men who "cave" or go dark for periods of time, often end up disappearing without explanation or a single word at some point down the road.

 

This "relationship" developed very quickly too. Exclusivity within only a month. That's not boyfriend or girlfriend yet, but it does carry some responsibility in terms of keep each other in the loop. He owes her at the very least a text to say "thanks for you concern/support. I'm fine, but need a couple of days" or some kind of feedback.

[Gaeta]

and dating another man, that quickly, is pretty heartless, IMO.

 

I'm not dating anyone else. I'm not gonna pick up with biologist calls tonight, if he calls. It was a knee jerk reaction I had to contact him. I am disappointed, very disappointed at guy from France and it was a way to get my mind on something else.

 

2 days. He lost his job. Give the guy a break. Wait until he circles back around

 

Trust me, I have been doing this dating for a long time, I got instinct, he's not coming back.

[dobielover]

People need to read the entire thread to get the full story. There is SOOOOO much more to this than him merely ignoring you for two days.

 

I've read the whole thread. This is ridiculous.

[dobielover]

I'd like to add that this is not the first time he's done dark on her. The way a man handles crisis is also important to a woman. If he cuts her out every time, there is going to be distrust, insecurity and resentment . . . a day is not a big deal, even up to a week depending on the relationship and specific issue, but if there's a chronic pattern of cutting out and going dark, it's no fun for a woman. It becomes disrespectful. I have other reasons for not "liking" this guy, but men who "cave" or go dark for periods of time, often end up disappearing without explanation or a single word at some point down the road.

 

Yes. And he warned her that this might happen, that this is how he handles stress.

 

I'm not saying that the way he handles stress is okay.

 

What I'm saying is how she's handling him is most definitely not okay. It is petulant, quite frankly.

[lino]

Perhaps if such massive emphasis wasn't put on a man's job by women, this would happen less often.

 

No man actually WANTS to be in that 'cave' but he knows how harshly and unnecessarily looked down upon he'll be once the money thins out.

[Leigh 87]

Yep this happened to me.

 

The ones that go into the caves and come on strong, only to seemingly retreat and then get back to you the next day as though nothing happened. .......eventually retreat for good.

[Gaeta]

What I'm saying is how she's handling him is most definitely not okay. It is petulant, quite frankly.

 

Petulant? really.

 

All he got is:

 

* A call from me Tuesday pm saying I was thinking of him and hoped to talk later.

 

* A text today saying I knew he got things to solve but to not leave me in the dark.

 

There is nothing petulant about this. That is a total of 2 contacts from me in 1 week. Short, neutral and respectful contacts.

[TaraMaiden2]

Perhaps if such massive emphasis wasn't put on a man's job by women, this would happen less often.

 

No man actually WANTS to be in that 'cave' but he knows how harshly and unnecessarily looked down upon he'll be once the money thins out.

 

What a ridiculous comment.

Massive emphasis is put on a man's job, by other men. Most times it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, not a '[woman]-eat-dog"....men are by far the biggest threat to other men's jobs, the pressure to compete, do well, exceed, meet demands and hit the deadline is all applied by more often than not, male colleagues....so don't come with the "women make us do it!" excuse.... If you can't take the heat,...

Edited January 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[TaraMaiden2]

Am I understanding that it's been like 2 days since you heard from him and you've now decided it's over because he's not handling the loss of his job well?

 

No. Your understanding is totally skewed.

 

He's being rude and unsociable. This is a woman with whom he's supposed to be embryonically starting a relationship with. As far as 'first steps go, he's tripping up, badly.

If anyone is petulant, it's him.

[Woggle]

What a ridiculous comment.

Massive emphasis is put on a man's job, by other men. Most times it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, not a '[woman]-eat-dog"....men are by far the biggest threat to other men's jobs, the pressure to compete, do well, exceed, meet demands and hit the deadline is all applied by more often than not, male colleagues....so don't come with the "women make us do it!" excuse.... If you can't take the heat,...

 

True to a point but with some women the minute he starts showing weakness and an inability to provide she turns on him and treats him with contempt. I have seen it many many times.

Edited January 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[Maggie4]

Perhaps if such massive emphasis wasn't put on a man's job by women, this would happen less often.

 

No man actually WANTS to be in that 'cave' but he knows how harshly and unnecessarily looked down upon he'll be once the money thins out.

 

Some different understanding of what caving means. Don't know who first coined that phrase but I understood as saying all men want to be in that cave, for no apparent reason, just a primitive instinct, that's why it's called cave.

[Maggie4]

Yep this happened to me.

 

The ones that go into the caves and come on strong, only to seemingly retreat and then get back to you the next day as though nothing happened. .......eventually retreat for good.

 

When a man retreats without any explanation, he knows she may not tolerate it, but he does it anyway, because she is expendible to him. He retreats because he CAN, he can afford to lose her, no big deal. I think that's why he eventually retreats for good.

[tuxedo cat]

Hey Gaeta. I only read the first few pages but I have a bad feeling about this dude. Combination of things from the fact that he seemed kind of methodical/going through the motions in terms of his pacing and communication style, that he has only been in your country for a year so isn't established, the whole visa thing, that he handles stress by disappearing. I don't trust him and I don't think you should either.

[tuxedo cat]

I don't know if this is the case with him but for some men it is extremely difficult for a man to show weakness in front of a woman. They tend to close up whenever they don't feel at their best.

 

Right but a decent guy would at least send her a response like, "Hey Gaeta, I'm sorry for not getting back earlier. I'm going through a lot of stress right now. I need some time to recoup and will be in touch soon." Bare minimum. It takes two seconds. The way he's acting is really selfish and doesn't bode well for his character or his ability to communicate.

Edited January 15, 2016 by tuxedo cat

[katiegrl]

Gaeta, did you talk to the microbiologist last night?

 

Inquiring mind.........

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, did you talk to the microbiologist last night?

 

Inquiring mind.........

 

Yes he called. He's a bit full of himself but maybe I would be if I were this very smart researcher regularly writing medical journals.

 

He's a real romantic too. Offered me to join him in his lab and analyze my DNA as a first date.

 

After 2 hours listening to him talk about the wonderful world of bacteria I managed to squeeze in that I needed to go to bed.

 

He said: Can I go tuck you in?

I said: No

He said: I can't tuck you in ?

I said: No

 

Silence.....

 

I said: Thanks for the chat I wish you a good night.

[Redhead14]

Yes he called. He's a bit full of himself but maybe I would be if I were this very smart researcher regularly writing medical journals.

 

He's a real romantic too. Offered me to join him in his lab and analyze my DNA as a first date.

 

After 2 hours listening to him talk about the wonderful world of bacteria I managed to squeeze in that I needed to go to bed.

 

He said: Can I go tuck you in?

I said: No

He said: I can't tuck you in ?

I said: No

 

Silence.....

 

I said: Thanks for the chat I wish you a good night.

 

Geez, Gaeta. Oh, well, keep moving. The microbiologist is operating with his "micro" head . . .

[losangelena]

Yes he called. He's a bit full of himself but maybe I would be if I were this very smart researcher regularly writing medical journals.

 

He's a real romantic too. Offered me to join him in his lab and analyze my DNA as a first date.

 

After 2 hours listening to him talk about the wonderful world of bacteria I managed to squeeze in that I needed to go to bed.

 

He said: Can I go tuck you in?

I said: No

He said: I can't tuck you in ?

I said: No

 

Silence.....

 

I said: Thanks for the chat I wish you a good night.

 

Oh, god. Why do grown men say things like that? "Can I tuck you in?" Are you supposed to swoon at that or something? That doesn't even make sense! He's not even there to tuck you in, and besides it's a first phone call. Gah!

 

Gross.

[dobielover]

Petulant? really.

 

All he got is:

 

* A call from me Tuesday pm saying I was thinking of him and hoped to talk later.

 

* A text today saying I knew he got things to solve but to not leave me in the dark.

 

There is nothing petulant about this. That is a total of 2 contacts from me in 1 week. Short, neutral and respectful contacts.

 

Your reaction of writing him off because you hadn't heard from him in 2 days is what's petulant.

[carhill]

Heh, the guy didn't get to be a microbiologist by fixing drains like a plumber. Guys at that level are smart and focused and it's often hard for them to turn that brain off and get back to being the plumber who can fix the drain but admire the legs he's gazing upon while under the sink.