Compatibility VS Chemistry

[MissBee]

Obviously, you need both.

 

Compatibility is most important for the really big things, the things you'd break up or divorce over. Incompatibilities wrt to marriage, kids, money, etc will cause a lot of misery and destroy relationships.

 

Beyond that basic compatibility, more isn't necessarily going to make the relationship better--for me, anyway. I appreciate some differences and find that they add flavor and excitement to the relationship.

 

Which leads to chemistry. Chemistry satisfies and gives pleasure. Chemistry makes us want to be with this person. IMO, the more, the better. It hasn't disappeared or become irrelevant with years of marriage, ime.

 

Maybe I just tolerate our superficial incompatibilities well because we have so much chemistry. Whatever! It works for me, and I'd much rather have the passion of chemistry than a partner who reads the same books.

 

 

Compatibility for me isn't about sameness, but also about complement i.e. in our differences, it still works. Like complementary colors. They are by definition opposites on the color wheel and are contrasts but together neutralize each other. That's how I see it. I think, like you said, in terms of the big things like our values, what we want out of life, our beliefs about raising kids etc we should have compatible views, then we also need to complement each other in our differences (and not just clash with them).

 

Chemistry is also important and I can't even begin to find out about our complementary aspects and compatibility without the natural chemistry that just makes me click with and get on with the person and want them. But what I've learned is that you can't substitute chemistry for compatibility and doing so causes a lot of problems or makes you put the cart before the horse. I realize chemistry is easier to have than compatibility because the factors that go into it are so many (and also chemical and hormonal) whereas compatibility is more steady and doesn't fluctuate as much. '

 

One great advice a dating coach gave me is that you should have a list somewhere, an actual concrete list when you're dating, of your absolute NEEDS (things you cannot be satisfied without and need to feel loved and content in a r'ship), your absolute NOs (deal breakers) and then you wants (which are flexible). She said as you're dating and you start to feel like you want to get serious, check back on the list you made when you were sane lol and match this person against it. It's a good way to check if they actually share your values and the needs and legit things you have thought about and for you to check yourself against the headiness of chemistry and infatuation and the highs of that. That's been invaluable for me. As you grow you can alter your list, but for the most part, my list has rarely fluctuated, just gotten more refined and it's been useful in terms of anchoring myself when the chemistry is electric, but diddlysquat much else is there to sustain us.

Edited January 14, 2016 by MissBee

[Hopeful30]

girls demand chemistry above all else

 

Its too bad our high demand cant spark it to life

[WaitingForBardot]

...

But what I've learned is that you can't substitute chemistry for compatibility and doing so causes a lot of problems or makes you put the cart before the horse. I realize chemistry is easier to have than compatibility because the factors that go into it are so many (and also chemical and hormonal) whereas compatibility is more steady and doesn't fluctuate as much. '

...

My experience has been the opposite here. I click (have chemistry) with far more women than I turn out to be compatible with. However, given my absolute need for chemistry, it is still my first filter. I see compatibility as largely subjective whereas chemistry (for me at least) is absolutely objective; it's either there or its not.

[Amelie1980]

The boyfriend I had the most intense and amazing chemistry with, never felt anything like it, loved so intensely kind of thing, was the one who broke my heart the worst ever.

 

Intense chemistry IME doesnt mean you're right for each other.

 

I think the slow burn with good compatibility id better than intense chemsitry.

[soph-walker]

My experience has been the opposite here. I click (have chemistry) with far more women than I turn out to be compatible with. However, given my absolute need for chemistry, it is still my first filter. I see compatibility as largely subjective whereas chemistry (for me at least) is absolutely objective; it's either there or its not.

 

And how many dates would you consider going on if you *thought* there was chemistry but wasn't sure...would you be willing to try it or is one date enough?

[FadedSign52]

Compatibility for me isn't about sameness, but also about complement i.e. in our differences, it still works. Like complementary colors. They are by definition opposites on the color wheel and are contrasts but together neutralize each other. That's how I see it. I think, like you said, in terms of the big things like our values, what we want out of life, our beliefs about raising kids etc we should have compatible views, then we also need to complement each other in our differences (and not just clash with them).

 

Chemistry is also important and I can't even begin to find out about our complementary aspects and compatibility without the natural chemistry that just makes me click with and get on with the person and want them. But what I've learned is that you can't substitute chemistry for compatibility and doing so causes a lot of problems or makes you put the cart before the horse. I realize chemistry is easier to have than compatibility because the factors that go into it are so many (and also chemical and hormonal) whereas compatibility is more steady and doesn't fluctuate as much. '

 

One great advice a dating coach gave me is that you should have a list somewhere, an actual concrete list when you're dating, of your absolute NEEDS (things you cannot be satisfied without and need to feel loved and content in a r'ship), your absolute NOs (deal breakers) and then you wants (which are flexible). She said as you're dating and you start to feel like you want to get serious, check back on the list you made when you were sane lol and match this person against it. It's a good way to check if they actually share your values and the needs and legit things you have thought about and for you to check yourself against the headiness of chemistry and infatuation and the highs of that. That's been invaluable for me. As you grow you can alter your list, but for the most part, my list has rarely fluctuated, just gotten more refined and it's been useful in terms of anchoring myself when the chemistry is electric, but diddlysquat much else is there to sustain us.

 

Thats great advice! What is your list if I may ask?

[MissBee]

My experience has been the opposite here. I click (have chemistry) with far more women than I turn out to be compatible with. However, given my absolute need for chemistry, it is still my first filter. I see compatibility as largely subjective whereas chemistry (for me at least) is absolutely objective; it's either there or its not.

 

 

Ahhh....I said the exact same thing you quoted and not the opposite.

 

I said chemistry is easier to have than compatibility and you said you have chemistry with far more women than you're compatible with...same thing.

 

 

 

Originally Posted by MissBee View Post

...

But what I've learned is that you can't substitute chemistry for compatibility and doing so causes a lot of problems or makes you put the cart before the horse. I realize chemistry is easier to have than compatibility because the factors that go into it are so many (and also chemical and hormonal) whereas compatibility is more steady and doesn't fluctuate as much. '

...

[WaitingForBardot]

And how many dates would you consider going on if you *thought* there was chemistry but wasn't sure...would you be willing to try it or is one date enough?

I have never been not sure and if there is/was no chemistry there would not be a single date beyond the first meeting. I am willing to overlook potential compatibility issues for a few dates when there is chemistry, but never vice versa. If compatibility issues come up and they are dealbreakers, I still feel the chemistry, but my reasoning takes over and I move on.

[WaitingForBardot]

Ahhh....I said the exact same thing you quoted and not the opposite.

 

I said chemistry is easier to have than compatibility and you said you have chemistry with far more women than you're compatible with...same thing.

Yes you did, and the only excuse I can fabricate is I must have quoted the wrong reply?

 

However, I will of course deny it under oath... ..lol..