Compatibility VS Chemistry

[Alamo657]

You don't think chemistry can develop over a short period of time?

 

Romantical Relationship Chemistry is, for me, a 3-step program :

 

1) attraction ("i'm drawn to this person because of looks/stare/social behaviour/professional success or aim")

2) sexual bliss ("wow the sex is so good")

3) emotional ("it seems so natural to share intimate and personal thoughts with one another")

 

3 and 2 can be inverted depending on your degree of hornyness.

 

So from my point of view, you can say that chemistry can only be pin pointed after you had good sex and realized you had a lot to share and relate to with the other person, so it's more than just the initial attraction.

 

Before that, it's just lust and superficial attraction.

 

Chemistry is born of circumstances, it's not pheromones or destiny, it's just a moment in time where 2 people find themselves drawn to each other because they are on the same emotional page at that moment in life. Pure chaos in motion.

 

Then if you can link compatibility and chemistry, you win at love.

If not, you'll be back on the single table at some point in time, or be miserable because you don't want to be alone/have children/are compatible, or be miserable because, well, you'll be alone.

Edited January 13, 2016 by Alamo657

[Toodaloo]

A Pick Up Artist. They can make you feel like the only woman in the world and then poof...suddenly there's an excuse as to why they no longer even want to speak to you.

 

They're generally emotionally unavailable.

 

and they generally read really rubbish books on how to treat women badly under the premise of "treat 'em mean - keep 'em keen"

[soph-walker]

and they generally read really rubbish books on how to treat women badly under the premise of "treat 'em mean - keep 'em keen"

 

Gosh yes. The PUA's manifesto

[xxoo]

I agree with this and relate to it myself. Its this whole dynamic that gets me going personally. If I feel a mental connection, this can trigger my chemistry with a person too.

 

Yes, there is overlap between compatibility and chemistry for me, too. The fact that my husband is such a family man, and the way that he puts our kids first (like I do) really makes me want to climb him like a tree. It's a turn on and just makes me want him more.

 

But if the chemistry isn't there, and if there isn't a strong desire to be with this person, all the compatibility in the world isn't going to satisfy--esp if and when chemistry is noted with someone else

[GoodOnPaper]

Yes, there is overlap between compatibility and chemistry for me, too.

 

I agree that there is a lot of overlap potential in "chemistry" and "compatibility" definition -- I think individual perceptions of this will vary widely. The OP seems to interpret "chemistry" as purely physical attraction, but does that really apply to how every woman is attracted to a man she enters a relationship with? If so, then every man who is married would have been considered viable ONS material at some point in his life, but I don't think that's even remotely true.

 

I've never had a "purely physical" relationship. I consider this a bad thing, and I think if you asked my wife about her attraction to me, there would be no "purely physical" part. The idea of separating the physical from the emotional aspect would be like dissolving salt in water then trying to separate the two. She would consider this a very good thing.

 

I guess I think of this in three parts. The emotional connection -- how well you "get" each other -- can overlap both the "chemistry" and compatibility in a relationship to a great extent. It helps you LIKE your partner in the long run -- to me, this is the best and easiest part of my relationship. Compared to most of what I read on LS, I often feel like I live in opposite-world.

[soph-walker]

I agree that there is a lot of overlap potential in "chemistry" and "compatibility" definition -- I think individual perceptions of this will vary widely. The OP seems to interpret "chemistry" as purely physical attraction, but does that really apply to how every woman is attracted to a man she enters a relationship with?

 

I'm interpreting other people's idea of chemistry, which seems to be a physical thing. For me, chemistry has some amount of a physical aspect indeed, but not all.

I think it's tricky to describe isn't it, we all seem to have our own ideas of just what it is.

[xxoo]

Chemistry is physical for me in that it affects me physically, but it usually isn't in response to physical appearance. Behaviors create that response in me, but also I do believe in chemical compatibility ie. pheromones and the impacts of dissimilar immune systems attracting people to each other.

[soph-walker]

Chemistry is physical for me in that it affects me physically, but it usually isn't in response to physical appearance. Behaviors create that response in me, but also I do believe in chemical compatibility ie. pheromones and the impacts of dissimilar immune systems attracting people to each other.

 

I think this is a great point, it's just that some people think that chemically if they feel physically attracted to someone, that this implies they should have a relationship with this person. It sends people down the rabbit hole and I don't know why this is my experience of men at the moment in dating.

[utman]

girls demand chemistry above all else

[soph-walker]

girls demand chemistry above all else

 

I could say the same of men...

[utman]

I could say the same of men...

 

there's no such thing as chemistry. it's entirely a female construct

[soph-walker]

there's no such thing as chemistry. it's entirely a female construct

 

Haha..your proof being?

 

I have had guys tell me that they didn't feel chemistry with me.

[thecrucible]

Chemistry is physical for me in that it affects me physically, but it usually isn't in response to physical appearance. Behaviors create that response in me, but also I do believe in chemical compatibility ie. pheromones and the impacts of dissimilar immune systems attracting people to each other.

 

I agree. I think there is something ingrained about it and what you find attractive over time based on experience in addition to being biological. I know this because I have been attracted to men who are by no means conventionally attractive. I have also found men nice to look at but not felt any chemistry. I'm not sure how to explain it. The chemistry doesn't have to be through the roof but there has to be something there. I have tested this out for myself and have dated people I didn't feel much chemistry for. Imo when I have dated guys I didn't feel enough chemistry with, it's felt like I've been forcing myself into self-denial. It makes me picky about chemistry because I really do not want to feel like I am being dishonest with a guy. I want to feel like at least I find him attractive enough that no other men interest me in a meaningful way.

 

To me chemistry is also a meeting of minds - well a guy really can attract me with a lot with intelligent conversation. I could not be with someone that I couldn't have a bit of interesting conversation with.

 

Oh and I agree with looking for compatibility for long term. I used to make the mistake of feeling chemistry first and just jumping in. However recently I turned down guys I felt strong chemistry with (at least from my side) because the compatibility wasn't there for me. It sucked but finally I was mature enough to stop the pattern I was getting into.

 

Also until I experienced being in a relationship with very little chemistry from the get go, I never understood being rejected on that basis. But I'm more likely to take it on the chin now because I think a relationship with little chemistry is just never going to work and whatever reasons the guy has don't have to make sense to me. Relationships should start on a good footing and with enough chemistry to sustain it.

[thecrucible]

Another thing to add...

 

I think part of it is understanding what real chemistry is. I used to look for chemistry more in superficial things like where the took me for dates and the kind of gestures he made. I've since realised that's all nonsense because going out and doing things together even if you enjoy it is no substitute for feeling a genuine connection with someone. Chivalrous gestures mean very little to me now but it would impress me a lot if the guy was asking me lots of questions about myself and making a real effort to get to know me. I'm beginning to learn the difference between fake interest and what's genuine. I just have to mentally gather my thoughts and think "Is this guy really interested in getting to know me?".

[sweet honeydew]

I don't think these 2 elements are so black and white. And they don't stay the same over time.

 

 

For example, chemistry is like I am 20% attract to this guy, maybe 90% attract to that guy. Then maybe 2 years later I feel different.

So is compatibility. No one is 100% compatible but no one is 0% compatible either.

 

 

I think you need to have both. That means, for me, I need both to be more than 70%. Then I may end up with a guy of 90% chemistry+70% compatibility or with a guy 70% in chemistry + 90 compatibility.

[soph-walker]

I don't think these 2 elements are so black and white. And they don't stay the same over time.

 

 

For example, chemistry is like I am 20% attract to this guy, maybe 90% attract to that guy. Then maybe 2 years later I feel different.

So is compatibility. No one is 100% compatible but no one is 0% compatible either.

 

 

I think you need to have both. That means, for me, I need both to be more than 70%. Then I may end up with a guy of 90% chemistry+70% compatibility or with a guy 70% in chemistry + 90 compatibility.

 

You sound like a woman who knows what she wants.

I find it so hard to quantify the chemistry or compatibility in terms of percentage.

 

I'm definitely starting to think that relationship compatibility is more of a priority than chemistry...granted you need to find someone appealing mentally and physically or whatnot.

 

I learnt so much from my last relationship, I was devastated it ended but it made me see just how much I based our future on 'chemistry' and the feeling I had. I completely overlooked the lack of compatibility we had.

 

If this thread can help other people decide what is important to them or open their minds up to more possibility, then that's great. I feel I've learnt a bit just reading all of the different answers, truly fascinating

[Tribble]

It's an interesting concept and I agree with the posters that they aren't mutually exclusive and they also aren't the only things needed for a successful relationship.

 

 

I've never come across a guy and thought yep, I want to sleep with you. But that's what a lot of people are saying is chemistry. For the guys I've felt crazy, I want to snog your face off, it's come with a lot of time getting to know them. I need to feel some kind of familiarity and easiness of being in their company to feel the physical attraction. It makes OLD and meeting guys on the fly very difficult but also opens doors to those people you might reject straight off due to their looks.

 

 

But that's not enough. I've slept with guys I've been friends with and got to know, both of us full well knowing we don't want a relationship together. To have an actual relationship, I need some kind of compatibility. And that takes time to manifest itself. To me, that is sexual compatibility but also having similar values and goals. As in, you want to be exclusive, you see a future for us, eventually looking at marriage and kids if everything works out. Otherwise, for me, there's not much point in carrying on. You also can't know if you are compatible straight away. How does the person handle conflict in your relationship? How do they deal with the challenges relationships inevitably come across?

 

 

It's incredibly difficult to find a combination of both to have a successful, long term relationship but both are important. For me at least, chemistry can develop if the right ingredients are given enough time to cook. The problem for me is, that takes a lot of time and might not develop anywhere. Which would suck if everything was great on paper (compatibility) because you want that rip your clothes off feeling. That's the difference between relationships and friendships.

[katiegrl]

Chemistry is physical for me in that it affects me physically, but it usually isn't in response to physical appearance. Behaviors create that response in me, but also I do believe in chemical compatibility ie. pheromones and the impacts of dissimilar immune systems attracting people to each other.

 

Not sure about the "dissimilar immune systems" theory ....not sure what that even means, but I DO believe in the attraction of our respective *energy* (which all living things generate)..and when we meet someone with whom we feel immense chemistry, it basically means our two energies connecting in a positive way.

 

I can sense good positive energy really quickly, don't even need to speak to a person necessarily...I can just feel it.

 

Does not mean I will feel romantic and sexual chemistry with everyone who possesses positive energy.... I am only saying this to point out that we all carry within us a certain energy, which has the power to attract or compel certain people to us or away from us.

 

Since energy is not a tangible thing, neither is chemistry, which explains why it's so difficult to understand, and why we feel it with certain people and not others.

 

I know this may sound totally hokey to some people, but I have studied energy and how it affects our relationships and interactions.

Edited January 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[soph-walker]

It's an interesting concept and I agree with the posters that they aren't mutually exclusive and they also aren't the only things needed for a successful relationship.

 

 

I've never come across a guy and thought yep, I want to sleep with you. But that's what a lot of people are saying is chemistry. For the guys I've felt crazy, I want to snog your face off, it's come with a lot of time getting to know them. I need to feel some kind of familiarity and easiness of being in their company to feel the physical attraction. It makes OLD and meeting guys on the fly very difficult but also opens doors to those people you might reject straight off due to their looks.

 

 

But that's not enough. I've slept with guys I've been friends with and got to know, both of us full well knowing we don't want a relationship together. To have an actual relationship, I need some kind of compatibility. And that takes time to manifest itself. To me, that is sexual compatibility but also having similar values and goals. As in, you want to be exclusive, you see a future for us, eventually looking at marriage and kids if everything works out. Otherwise, for me, there's not much point in carrying on. You also can't know if you are compatible straight away. How does the person handle conflict in your relationship? How do they deal with the challenges relationships inevitably come across?

 

 

It's incredibly difficult to find a combination of both to have a successful, long term relationship but both are important. For me at least, chemistry can develop if the right ingredients are given enough time to cook. The problem for me is, that takes a lot of time and might not develop anywhere. Which would suck if everything was great on paper (compatibility) because you want that rip your clothes off feeling. That's the difference between relationships and friendships.

 

Again, what you've said here really resonates. I'm not sure if you're male or female, but I would be so interested to see how many men would value a physical type of chemistry to start a relationship VS finding someone attractive and interesting and being compatible.

 

My experience of OLD has consisted of me not feeling mentally attracted to someone which hasn't triggered anything for me at all, or the one or two guys I've like and felt we had mental and physical chemistry and some general compatibility to then tell me they didn't think there was a spark.

[Tribble]

Again, what you've said here really resonates. I'm not sure if you're male or female, but I would be so interested to see how many men would value a physical type of chemistry to start a relationship VS finding someone attractive and interesting and being compatible.

 

My experience of OLD has consisted of me not feeling mentally attracted to someone which hasn't triggered anything for me at all, or the one or two guys I've like and felt we had mental and physical chemistry and some general compatibility to then tell me they didn't think there was a spark.

 

I'm female so can't help you on what the guys think on it really. But to be fair, I'm not certain it is a gender issue. People are different. And how I see chemistry/ physical attraction/ whatever you want to call it is quite unusual I think. Most people don't feel this way.

[carhill]

Since the vast majority of my relationships and my marriage sprung from other than chance in-person meetings, I'd opine compatibility got the interview and the chemistry went from there, or later. Unfortunately, being one of 'those guys' is a marked handicap in a dating pool where instant chemistry rules the day for both men and women. I've only experienced 'instant' maybe two or three times in tens of thousands of women and over four decades of being a sexual male and, heh, those ladies turned out to be married. In any event, no way of knowing for sure if any of that stuff was mutual and it's done and over so that is that.

[WaitingForBardot]

Chemistry is a necessary but insufficient condition for long-term relationships to flourish.

 

As I mentioned a little earlier in the thread, chemistry for me is the autonomic response I feel towards someone, completely outside conscious control. I feel it or I don't, and it happens no later than a few minutes after meeting someone, often even sooner. I can not change it, I can not influence it, I just feel it or I don't.

 

So what does this actually mean in the real world? It means when I meet someone, I know very quickly that I want or can envision a relationship with them, right here and right now. It doesn't mean it will go anywhere, doesn't mean we will ultimately be compatible, doesn't mean that I will feel the same way tomorrow, just that right here, right now, I can see that possibility. I act accordingly...

[GravityMan]

Alamo657 expressed it beautifully. Although your follow up Q was directed to Alamo, some people say chemistry can develop. I have never had that experience. I either was instantly attracted to somebody from the moment I laid eyes on him or I never was.

 

I think that even in most cases where chemistry develops over time...there's still SOMETHING subtly intriguing there at the beginning that compels the person to at least want to spend time with the guy or woman and get to know each other better.

[carhill]

Good example from recent memory. Had an 'instant chemistry' experience in real life where subsequent interaction proved it out. However, due to long experience, I hesitated in acting on that because, well, experience has taught that those tend to end up being married and, yup, correct. Switch off. Later, a couple years later, divorce final. Unfortunately, once I turned the switch off, it's off. The emotional process which resulted from respecting their marital status terminated any potential interest, something I call 'timing'. The good news is compatibility is there and we enjoy each other in other ways. That's the latest of many examples. I didn't really understand this kind of stuff until my exW explained the timing thing to me and how important it apparently is to women. Made sense because, so often, when young I'd think, well she liked me then and not now? Heh, then was then and now is now, dope.

[soph-walker]

I think that even in most cases where chemistry develops over time...there's still SOMETHING subtly intriguing there at the beginning that compels the person to at least want to spend time with the guy or woman and get to know each other better.

 

^^This!

 

I have felt this and felt it in return, yet men these days IME seem to be emotionally unavailable or looking for an impossibly perfect, all singing all dancing woman.

 

starts to make you feel like a performing monkey on a date, when all I'd rather be doing is having a few drinks and a chinwag and taking it from there.