Compatibility VS Chemistry

[soph-walker]

Hello all

 

In what seems to be a pretty relevant topic for me - and others too...what are your thoughts on the above two elements?

 

Most of my relationships or romantic experiences have been borne out of a sexual attraction for a guy, however, as I've aged, I've found that these feelings can be pretty misleading in terms of how a relationship may pan out once the chemistry has worn off or lost its shine.

 

I think chemistry and compatibility are equally as important, because I don't think it's possible to have a relationship without one or both elements.

 

It's funny cause I can completely differentiate the two. I was seeing a guy a few months ago on a purely physical basis; we both agreed we didn't want a relationship and decided on spending time together in the 'biblical' sense. We weren't sleeping with other people though, but it was definitely not a romantic or emotional entanglement. We just found each other mutually sexy and I was happy with this as I knew that we weren't compatible enough to have a relationship. I might add, I stopped the whole thing because I realised how much I wanted a relationship and not just a casual dalliance.

 

Anyone have any interesting thoughts to share or experiences with this?

Edited January 13, 2016 by soph-walker
Added to post!

[Alamo657]

Without chemistry a RS cannot begin. Without compatibility it cannot last. If you just want to settle down you'll look for compatibility. My 2 cents.

[soph-walker]

Without chemistry a RS cannot begin. Without compatibility it cannot last. If you just want to settle down you'll look for compatibility. My 2 cents.

 

You don't think chemistry can develop over a short period of time?

[d0nnivain]

Alamo657 expressed it beautifully. Although your follow up Q was directed to Alamo, some people say chemistry can develop. I have never had that experience. I either was instantly attracted to somebody from the moment I laid eyes on him or I never was.

[xxoo]

Obviously, you need both.

 

Compatibility is most important for the really big things, the things you'd break up or divorce over. Incompatibilities wrt to marriage, kids, money, etc will cause a lot of misery and destroy relationships.

 

Beyond that basic compatibility, more isn't necessarily going to make the relationship better--for me, anyway. I appreciate some differences and find that they add flavor and excitement to the relationship.

 

Which leads to chemistry. Chemistry satisfies and gives pleasure. Chemistry makes us want to be with this person. IMO, the more, the better. It hasn't disappeared or become irrelevant with years of marriage, ime.

 

Maybe I just tolerate our superficial incompatibilities well because we have so much chemistry. Whatever! It works for me, and I'd much rather have the passion of chemistry than a partner who reads the same books.

[soph-walker]

Alamo657 expressed it beautifully. Although your follow up Q was directed to Alamo, some people say chemistry can develop. I have never had that experience. I either was instantly attracted to somebody from the moment I laid eyes on him or I never was.

 

I do agree with Alamo, very well put.

 

I'm probably asking something that's essentially unanswerable as the human condition is so wide, varied and subject to change.

 

Still curious to hear other's experiences of chemistry and compatibility over a long term relationship.

 

I am curious to know whether once chemistry has faded slightly (the intensity of the feelings, not the chemistry disappearing completely) - has your true compatibility with one another kicked in and saved the day...is it this that drives things forward...wanting the same end result?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Interesting, I was thinking about this. I have never been in a relationship with someone with whom I had a high degree both.

 

Last few months I have been having a "thing" with a guy for who I feel high degree of natural chemistry/attraction for. This is probably the most passion I have felt in years. I felt it the first time I saw him, and just being around him gives me such a "high". But...things would never work relationship wise because we are not compatible in important things; like honesty and monogamy. If I were to have a proper relationship with him (not that he offered), it would implode in weeks, months at most. Yet I am not able to give it up for now because the pleasure of these moments (and I am not just talking about sex) is the happiest I have felt in a while. So they are worth it for their own sake, without any goal in mind.

 

For a LTR, I would give compatibility a priority with a little bit of chemistry being enough. We don't need to like the same movies or books but we need to share same values and he needs to be capable of deep conversations. He also needs to be stable, grounded and commitment/relationship oriented.

 

I have also never had chemistry "grow" in time.

 

Chemistry=casual sex

Compatibility=LTR

[Toodaloo]

Compatibility and Chemistry are the ying and yang of any relationship.

 

You can't have one with out the other. Too much of one and too little of the other and the relationship is doomed.

 

Chemistry is the zing that starts it all. Compatibility is what keeps the zing going.

 

Its like asking the difference between an engine and fuel. The fuel creates the spark and the motor keeps it running but required the fuel to do so... The fuel can not create the spark with out the starter motor in the engine...

 

One is useless with out the other.

[Hopeful30]

I've had relationships that have started from both from sexual chemistry and from compatibility.

 

In my experiences, the compatibility ones lasted longer, but the sexual chemistry ones were the more difficult to end.

 

Leaving my sexual chemistry relationships was incredibly difficult, because it's hard enough as it is finding someone you're attracted to. The compatible relationships weren't as hard, because I've learned my lessons and was ready to move onto the next thing. There wasn't anything to really "miss" from this person. I've learned all I could learn from them.

 

When it comes to sex though, for me it's much more difficult to find a partner with whom I have chemistry, so for me those are the ones that are harder to leave. I'm pretty easy going so finding compatible partners isn't the problem.

 

People say sex isn't that important but to me it is. If the sex isn't good, what's the point of being with this person? The point of ROMANCE is to be able to get intimate, how can you do that without giving your deepest most private self sexually? That's what I think

[kendahke]

You don't think chemistry can develop over a short period of time?

 

No. If it isn't there, it isn't there. It's very, very, very rare that this pans out. Yes, it may have happened for a few, but for the most part, it's the driving narrative to women who married nice guys they were never deeply in love with and have found themselves 20 years hence with 3 kids and "trapped" in a loveless marriage and all they want is passion with the guy who's been winking at them from across the office.

[soph-walker]

In that case, I don't hold up much hope for me meeting a guy who I feel I have chemistry with and compatibility

 

I either seem to have one or the other and never the twain shall meet!

 

Right, I'm off to the pet store to buy 50 cats.

[smackie9]

In that case, I don't hold up much hope for me meeting a guy who I feel I have chemistry with and compatibility

 

I either seem to have one or the other and never the twain shall meet!

 

Right, I'm off to the pet store to buy 50 cats.

If it were that easy no one would be single.....

[WaitingForBardot]

For me, chemistry is the autonomic response I feel towards someone, completely outside conscious control. I feel it or I don't, and it happens no later than a few minutes after meeting someone, often even sooner. Compatibility is a conscious decision to accept the good and the bad in the other person because the spark, the chemistry you feel, is worth keeping.

[Amelie1980]

Alamo657 expressed it beautifully. Although your follow up Q was directed to Alamo, some people say chemistry can develop. I have never had that experience. I either was instantly attracted to somebody from the moment I laid eyes on him or I never was.

 

Ive had it creep up on me.

 

Ive started being attracted to someone I never was to begin with,

[soph-walker]

If it were that easy no one would be single.....

 

I jest, was being melodramatic

 

And Amelie1980, would you say the attraction you felt was pure chemistry or compatibility?

 

I think it's a fascinating subject myself.

[kodakgirl]

For me, compatibility fuels chemistry, as long as there was some chemistry there to start. If I meet a man and there's a bit of chemistry and I find him at least somewhat attractive, the more compatibility that appears as we get to know each other, the stronger that chemistry gets for me. The "I've known him forever" feeling after just a few hours does more for me, ultimately, than the initial butterfly feeling. If all goes well, I then end up with high compatibility AND high chemistry before too long, as opposed to high chemistry and moderate to low compatibility (and compatibility is the less likely to improve). I have no idea if it works this way for others, but for me it sure does.

[soph-walker]

For me, compatibility fuels chemistry, as long as there was some chemistry there to start. If I meet a man and there's a bit of chemistry and I find him at least somewhat attractive, the more compatibility that appears as we get to know each other, the stronger that chemistry gets for me. The "I've known him forever" feeling after just a few hours does more for me, ultimately, than the initial butterfly feeling. If all goes well, I then end up with high compatibility AND high chemistry before too long, as opposed to high chemistry and moderate to low compatibility (and compatibility is the less likely to improve). I have no idea if it works this way for others, but for me it sure does.

 

I agree with this and relate to it myself. Its this whole dynamic that gets me going personally. If I feel a mental connection, this can trigger my chemistry with a person too.

[Amelie1980]

I jest, was being melodramatic

 

And Amelie1980, would you say the attraction you felt was pure chemistry or compatibility?

 

I think it's a fascinating subject myself.

 

When I met him I was like ....hmmmm. Geek, dork, awkward. Meh. He put me off. He said he wanted a second date. He didnt text me. So a friend said you know he is shy....contact him. So i did. And he texted within seconds saying he was thinking of me and wants to take me for dinner.

 

Ok second chance. I got the same feelings when I saw him again. Awkward, dork geek, annoying.

 

We went for drinks and I barely knew what to say to him. Then he sighed, put his drink down lifted my chin up and gave me a big kiss. I was surprised and thought ok. I like this. Then he took me for dinner and held my hand all the way and then we talked over dinner and I felt us really connecting and thought he was so nice. I really felt atracted whereas before I hadnt been.

 

Then we dated for 2 months and he ditches me because although we have great chemistry he doesnt see long term. I was seeing both by this point. I dont get why he didnt see compatibility. We didnt see that muhc of each other all things considered and seemed to have some shared goals and looked good on paper.

Edited January 13, 2016 by Amelie1980

[soph-walker]

When I met him I was like ....hmmmm. Geek, dork, awkward. Meh. He put me off. He said he wanted a second date. He didnt text me. So a friend said you know he is shy....contact him. So i did. And he texted within seconds saying he was thinking of me and wants to take me for dinner.

 

Ok second chance. I got the same feelings when I saw him again. Awkward, dork geek, annoying.

 

We went for drinks and I barely knew what to say to him. Then he sighed, put his drink down lifted my chin up and gave me a big kiss. I was surprised and thought ok. I like this. Then he took me for dinner and held my hand all the way and then we talked over dinner and I felt us really connecting and thought he was so nice. I really felt atracted whereas before I hadnt been.

 

Then we dated for 2 months and he ditches me because although we have great chemistry he doesnt see long term. I was seeing both by this point. I dont get why he didnt see compatibility. We didnt see that muhc of each other

 

Did he say to you he didn't see compatibility or did he just say he didn't see long term?

 

If it was the latter, he may be a flake or just not really looking for a relationship?

[Amelie1980]

Did he say to you he didn't see compatibility or did he just say he didn't see long term?

 

If it was the latter, he may be a flake or just not really looking for a relationship?

 

He didnt see us having a long term relationship.

 

I later found out that he dumped me for someone else and had cheated on all of his long term gfs. The someone else broke up a few months later.

 

Total love rat.

 

Beofre I knew that though: By date three, he was utterly gorgeous to me whereas before I had been repelled by him almost on date one. So it can happen

[d0nnivain]

I am curious to know whether once chemistry has faded slightly (the intensity of the feelings, not the chemistry disappearing completely) - has your true compatibility with one another kicked in and saved the day...is it this that drives things forward...wanting the same end result?

 

I never had the chemistry fade, even in my longest relationship, 12 years, when I looked at him my heart still fluttered. Then again, the physical attraction was the best thing about our relationship.

 

 

Anyway, to some extent as people change -- grey hair, a few extra pounds, some wrinkles, you look at them with your heart not so much your eyes. So yes, to some extent the compatibility, the long term connection, the steadfastness of the relationship become the filters through which you continue to see your long term partner.

 

 

I have had men who initially made my heart race but then I was brought to a screeching halt when he opened his mouth & out came . . . nonsense. Look a Tom Cruise for example. Gorgeous man. That scientology business & the jumping on the couch on Oprah. . . yeah, no amount of cute or chemistry is going to overcome that level of . . . whatever it is he's doing. To someone who shares his beliefs (compatibility) it's all good.

[soph-walker]

Amelie..Sounds like he was a PUA..maybe he was good at bringing out feelings of chemistry in you? I don't know, just a thought.

 

There was a guy into me from a friendship group I had, I just wasn't interested in him at all and told him so. He pursued me for about 5 months and I developed huge feelings for him, chemistry wise. Compatibility wise he was a no go (I didn't see this at the time). Funny that.

[Amelie1980]

Amelie..Sounds like he was a PUA..maybe he was good at bringing out feelings of chemistry in you? I don't know, just a thought.

 

There was a guy into me from a friendship group I had, I just wasn't interested in him at all and told him so. He pursued me for about 5 months and I developed huge feelings for him, chemistry wise. Compatibility wise he was a no go (I didn't see this at the time). Funny that.

 

What is a PUA?

[soph-walker]

What is a PUA?

 

A Pick Up Artist. They can make you feel like the only woman in the world and then poof...suddenly there's an excuse as to why they no longer even want to speak to you.

 

They're generally emotionally unavailable.

[fitnessfan365]

It's funny because my GF and me were just talking about this last night.

 

I told her how rare it is to have that rip your clothes off passion with someone you get along so well and have so much in common with. Both our experiences have been you've either got great sexual chemistry and the rest is superficial, or there is a really good connection but there's no passion. With each other, we have both. I suppose that's why we're in love.