Mikeyfreedom Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 HI - just a quick word. I got back with my ex of 9 years recently, everything is going great. We had quite a bad break up, and were apart for about 3 months. We really have sorted out all our differences, and everything is going great. We have opened up to each other like we haven't in years. During our break up, my partner went on a few dates with another guy. Nothing serious...She had every right too especially after the way I had treated her in the past(even though infidelity wasn't involved) . We have discussed this to a point openly, but I can't get over the fact she may have and probably did have sex with this guy. It really plays on my mind, and it shouldn't, and I know that. A friend of mine said to me, in situations like this always expect the worst. So I have. I really want now to leave the past in the past, and just move forward again. But do you think discussing this further is a good or a bad idea. At the end of the day it doesn't change anything anyway.. I just wondered what your thoughts were?... I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt me.. But in a way I know it shouldn't.
Emilia Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 I think you need to suck it up and give it time. You were only apart for 3 months, in my experience that doesn't tend to be long enough to resolve things. You have a long way to go yet.
bunk Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Presently, if you want this to work, you need to ignore your previous relationship with her, the 3 months you two were apart, and treat this for what it really is, a new relationship. Far easier said than done, I know, but you're gonna have to try.
Author Mikeyfreedom Posted January 13, 2016 Author Posted January 13, 2016 Presently, if you want this to work, you need to ignore your previous relationship with her, the 3 months you two were apart, and treat this for what it really is, a new relationship. Far easier said than done, I know, but you're gonna have to try. Yes you are utterly correct. IT is a NEW relationship from this point onwards. I have to let go of a lot of the rubbish, I suppose its just hurt from the past coming to the forefront as well. BUT I couldn't be happier we are back together as I know this time its going to work.
autumnjess Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) I know it is very uncomfortable accepting that the person you loved had moved on and had sex with someone else when you broke up. I've been there and reacted very fiercely when I found out my ex boyfriend had. And I had only broken up with my him for less than a month. I think you should ask yourself; does it matter if she had sex with someone else? Will it change anything? For example for me it did because I viewed it as if my partner didn't love me which isn't true because he did what he needed to do to move on. if you talked about it and she told you yes, will you let it affect your relationship? It affected my relationship with him because I started to doubt and have trust issues and then became sensitive about sex. Knowing the truth doesn't change the situation, however it does implicate you if you're insecure about your relationship in other areas. Knowing that your girlfriend had sex with someone else during the breakup will validate any other issues you had with her. Personally, I wish I let it go and didn't find out. I took it personally and let it affect our relationship. You are with her now, that is all that matters. Focus on the present. Edited January 14, 2016 by autumnjess
Author Mikeyfreedom Posted January 15, 2016 Author Posted January 15, 2016 I know it is very uncomfortable accepting that the person you loved had moved on and had sex with someone else when you broke up. I've been there and reacted very fiercely when I found out my ex boyfriend had. And I had only broken up with my him for less than a month. I think you should ask yourself; does it matter if she had sex with someone else? Will it change anything? For example for me it did because I viewed it as if my partner didn't love me which isn't true because he did what he needed to do to move on. if you talked about it and she told you yes, will you let it affect your relationship? It affected my relationship with him because I started to doubt and have trust issues and then became sensitive about sex. Knowing the truth doesn't change the situation, however it does implicate you if you're insecure about your relationship in other areas. Knowing that your girlfriend had sex with someone else during the breakup will validate any other issues you had with her. Personally, I wish I let it go and didn't find out. I took it personally and let it affect our relationship. You are with her now, that is all that matters. Focus on the present.thankyou for those words and it's interesting to see it like that.mi will be honest I treated her pretty badly towards the end of our 1st relationship for the want of a better phrase. I'm not blaming myself for everything but I really got what I deserved in someways. I have learned valuable lessons for On this and I won't repeat that cycle. And you are right it is all about the present now. I suppose I have just been dwelling on it too much... Think now and the future. It's about rebuilding trust also, and that goes for her to trust me again also.
Chi townD Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 Okay, I'm going to play devils advocate here and say that you have a right to know if she slept with this dude. Because you need to know if she had protected or unprotected sex. You don't want to put your health or your life at risk.
ExtraSpice Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 I think Chi townD's point regarding protected or unprotected sex is very valid. Always safety first. However, sometimes it is better if you don't know certain things. If you feel you can let this go on your own and won't become paranoid and start snooping to find out then let it go. You can confirm your suspicion by asking her but if in your mind the answer is already yes and she says no. Then that may not convince you. Because you are not looking for the truth, you are looking to validate your own suspicions. Whether you should ask or not depends purely on how you may handle the different possibilities. I know that if I knew my ex had sex with someone else I would be very hurt. I would eventually let it go but it would hurt and cause some friction in the relationship.
Chi townD Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 I think Chi townD's point regarding protected or unprotected sex is very valid. Always safety first. However, sometimes it is better if you don't know certain things. If you feel you can let this go on your own and won't become paranoid and start snooping to find out then let it go. You can confirm your suspicion by asking her but if in your mind the answer is already yes and she says no. Then that may not convince you. Because you are not looking for the truth, you are looking to validate your own suspicions. Whether you should ask or not depends purely on how you may handle the different possibilities. I know that if I knew my ex had sex with someone else I would be very hurt. I would eventually let it go but it would hurt and cause some friction in the relationship. Well, there's ways to bring it up without being too intrusive. You can say something like, "Look, I want to be intimate with you again. But do we need to get tested and cleared first? Or, do we need to be using condoms for the time being or what?" That way, you're not asking for details and you're still expressing a desire to be with her. But, you're asking those question purely from a health standpoint. Now, if she says that you two need to use condoms. Yeah, it will hurt, but can you handle it maturely? 1
ExtraSpice Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 Well, there's ways to bring it up without being too intrusive. You can say something like, "Look, I want to be intimate with you again. But do we need to get tested and cleared first? Or, do we need to be using condoms for the time being or what?" That way, you're not asking for details and you're still expressing a desire to be with her. But, you're asking those question purely from a health standpoint. Now, if she says that you two need to use condoms. Yeah, it will hurt, but can you handle it maturely? I like the way you put it. That doesn't sound too intrusive or asks for details but gets the safety concern out of the way. And yes it will def hurt if she says that condoms need to be used. Just prepare yourself for that possibility and try to understand how you would react to it.
Author Mikeyfreedom Posted January 15, 2016 Author Posted January 15, 2016 I like the way you put it. That doesn't sound too intrusive or asks for details but gets the safety concern out of the way. And yes it will def hurt if she says that condoms need to be used. Just prepare yourself for that possibility and try to understand how you would react to it. It's strange you guys should say that because that was the way I was going to approach it. If I decided to go ahead and go down that route. And to be honest that genuinely concerns me. I don't want to ask but I don't want my health to suffer for it either.
Thistooshallpass21 Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 It's strange you guys should say that because that was the way I was going to approach it. If I decided to go ahead and go down that route. And to be honest that genuinely concerns me. I don't want to ask but I don't want my health to suffer for it either. I agree with what they said, but if you truly love this girl and want to be with her, you have to be able to look past it. The past is the past and there's nothing that can be done to change it, but you can start with a clean slate.
Author Mikeyfreedom Posted January 15, 2016 Author Posted January 15, 2016 I agree with what they said, but if you truly love this girl and want to be with her, you have to be able to look past it. The past is the past and there's nothing that can be done to change it, but you can start with a clean slate. I truely do. And I can get past it. As I said I can't blame her. This snake was in the back ground, being the friend role, and I had hurt her badly with my behaviour and so forth. She said she saw no future and this snake obviously made his move. But all that has radically changed now, we are very much in love again which I am over the moon about. Truely. Even with this, I know I am incredibly lucky to even have a second chance at things. That is what I have to really remember and focus on.
Thistooshallpass21 Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 I truely do. And I can get past it. As I said I can't blame her. This snake was in the back ground, being the friend role, and I had hurt her badly with my behaviour and so forth. She said she saw no future and this snake obviously made his move. But all that has radically changed now, we are very much in love again which I am over the moon about. Truely. Even with this, I know I am incredibly lucky to even have a second chance at things. That is what I have to really remember and focus on. Last thing I'm going to say is...BE CAREFUL! I've been down this road and am currently feeling the pain worse than before! Remember that she did this before and that it can happen again, but just be glad you are where you are, because anything can happen!
Chi townD Posted January 15, 2016 Posted January 15, 2016 It's strange you guys should say that because that was the way I was going to approach it. If I decided to go ahead and go down that route. And to be honest that genuinely concerns me. I don't want to ask but I don't want my health to suffer for it either. I agree. Some will say that it's none of your business and some will say that its her past (and I've been guilty of saying that too). But, her past is currently your present. You don't want to end up with the clap or herpes or warts or even HIV. You need to ask the hard questions. And who knows! She may confess to making out with him, but never slept with him which is a little easier to handle. But, you need to communicate with her. 1
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