Guitaristangel Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 So I came across a post that made me think today. When the dumper gives you a reason such as "the feelings went cold" or "loss of feelings for you" toward the dumpee, it usually means that the dumper is going through a GIGS moment which they will later regret. If you read through my previous grammatically incorrect posts, you will understand my breakup situation. During these past 7 months I have set aspiring goals to earn my DPT and to focus on myself. From time to time, I hear things on what she is doing and find out that she is using Tinder to meet other guys. She stated before that she is more "outgoing, social and more positive" when in fact it is quite opposite. She is using online sites such as Meetup, Tinder and Facebook events to meet other people. While I meet other people easily without using them. I have deleted most of my social media and in fact living a very rich life. I am in a church community that values my time, friends who drop anything for me to make sure I'm okay, a great job and have a fulfilling career ahead of me. I hear from one of my friends who still talks to her (via text and phone call), she is living quite the opposite. She previously stated that she is going to find a better job(which she did but absolutely HATES), travel and have better friends than me. In hindsight, this sounds like a competition and I see that her excuses for breaking up with me are "I've loss feelings for you", "You're so negative and antisocial", "You're the most selfish person", "I hate that you expect other things from other people and I completely HATE that about you...". And the list goes on. Currently, she still talks to my mother(which I still find very disturbing) and my friends. To raise more eyebrows: I see her going to my church! She actually moved to another town that is a 40 minute drive from where I live. Even though most of "her friends" live in her town, she still makes time for my friends. They tell me they see her from time to time but it makes me feel like regret. Then a few weeks later, I hear that she "regrets it"(from family and friends). Just a disclaimer, not all people who have GIGS are like this but I have found that most have and just reporting it generally. Now with that out of the way, here is what I found: In general, GIGS syndrome is often very high in people "who do not live life" . They often come from a sheltered lifestyle. My ex states that she will never hit that partying stage but she is now hitting it hard the last few months. She is in her mid 20's as well and she is NOW hitting the partying stage. So, this is not a means of stating that every case of GIGS syndrome will ultimately result into this but if not some do. I personally think that my ex will come crawling back to me soon and this time I am going to say "No" but I am also considering talking to her to figure things out. I've never been happier than I have ever been these last 5 years. I'm very happy that I did NC. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 It's great that you're feeling happy again. Keep doing your own thing. I'm one of the posters here who does not buy into "GIGS" whatsoever. I think a lot of dumpees want to believe it really is some syndrome that can be caught, treated and cured because that's easier to accept than realizing the dumper fell out of love or doesn't feel the same way anymore. It sounds like she had a lot of reasons for ending this relationship. Those may or may not be entirely and objectively true, but they were true for her. So I have to get that out of the way first. Also, you need to stop receiving updates about her from your friends and family. That isn't NC. You still know too much about her life. You're still comparing yourself to her too much. You're still analyzing her behaviour too much. And unless and until you hear the words "I regret this" out of her mouth, don't pay any attention to it. It's not helping you move on. That's not to say she won't someday get in touch again, but for now, put that thought of your mind. Focus on moving forward without her. Take that mental energy and see this is an experience to learn from, which will better prepare you when the right woman does come along. You will be much happier for it in the long run. 1
dave_1966 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 You need to ask your mother to tell her to not call her again, out of respect for you.
Author Guitaristangel Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 You need to ask your mother to tell her to not call her again, out of respect for you. actually....the ex calls my family sadly. I asked her, but the ex just keeps asking.
Author Guitaristangel Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 It's great that you're feeling happy again. Keep doing your own thing. I'm one of the posters here who does not buy into "GIGS" whatsoever. I think a lot of dumpees want to believe it really is some syndrome that can be caught, treated and cured because that's easier to accept than realizing the dumper fell out of love or doesn't feel the same way anymore. It sounds like she had a lot of reasons for ending this relationship. Those may or may not be entirely and objectively true, but they were true for her. So I have to get that out of the way first. Also, you need to stop receiving updates about her from your friends and family. That isn't NC. You still know too much about her life. You're still comparing yourself to her too much. You're still analyzing her behavior too much. And unless and until you hear the words "I regret this" out of her mouth, don't pay any attention to it. It's not helping you move on. That's not to say she won't someday get in touch again, but for now, put that thought of your mind. Focus on moving forward without her. Take that mental energy and see this is an experience to learn from, which will better prepare you when the right woman does come along. You will be much happier for it in the long run. I have asked them not to alert me of what she is doing. I am analyzing it cause it is fun but you are right. That kind of focus seems to be borderline to becoming obsessive. I am taking this as a new experience being it from "First love pains". I will not think nor hope to hear her say "I regret this", because I would be expecting/hoping again. Turning this into a learning experience is something I really need to do and the emotional pain has gone down dramatically since then which makes me see the relationship from an objective point of view. I mean, I do still have my biases but I am trying to see it as objectively as I can. As I go through my previous posts, what stood out to me was the fact I still had the "rose colored glasses on"(Hendrick & Hendrick 1988). Normally, I would just shrug it off until now but I have to come to terms with this. Maybe GIGS is just another name for a different kind of psychological issue but I digress, the fact is that she is gone based on her own terms, then I must go on my own terms. Hopefully with time I can be happier in my next relationship that may turn into a marriage which all of us are hoping for(if not most). References Hendrick C., Hendrick, S. (1988). Lovers Wear Rose Colored Glasses. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. May 1988 vol. 5 no. 2 161-183
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 actually....the ex calls my family sadly. I asked her, but the ex just keeps asking. Why do they keep accepting her calls? That's not right.
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