This notion of "losing feelings"

[Zapbasket]

I so often read on this site about someone "losing feelings" for their long-term partner. We all understand intellectually that this can happen. When I look back at my three long-term relationships, I can say that probably all three guys lost feelings for me and that's why they were able to slam the door to our relationship and never look back. It is a hard thing to admit; I have tried to cling to the idea that each boyfriend ran because he couldn't deal with his own fears, etc., but the more distance I gain from this chapter of relationships the more it seems to come down to, They just got to a point where they'd rather not have me in their lives at all than deal with the problems of the relationship.

 

But I'll tell you: it makes me fearful of getting into another relationship. To go along for a while, and then problems creep up (in my experience they all related to the guy pulling away / not being respectful in one way or other / not wanting to talk about the future of the relationship and arguing with me when I brought it up), and then, poof!, they're done and never want to talk to me again. I don't want to start out with a new person and feel like I'm waiting for the guillotine to drop where they just don't want to be with me anymore and don't even want to break up with me to my face.

 

I've never been married and so obviously all my relationships died before marriage ever could enter the picture. But what's the difference between losing feelings prior to being married, and being married and gradually losing feelings? Relationship wisdom suggests that even with our life partners our feelings ebb and flow over the years in unpredictable and un-synchronized cycles, and so what's the difference that says one instance of losing feelings is just part of the "cycle," and another is a complete severance of any tie to the other person, forever?

[Buddhist]

Theres a lot of pressure on longterm relationships these days because people have unrealistic expectations of each other. This thing people call feelings is often just hormones and they can't be maintained forever no matter what you do. Actual feelings develop over time but they change from excitement to comfort and security. I think what these men are telling you is that the hormonal high is gone. Well, sure that's supposed to happen.

 

But if you;ve got a guy who goes chasing that again then he's not very mature and hasn't really learnt that all relationships rely on friendship over the longterm. That's not to say that sex and love go away, but hormones die down after a time and then you need to basically like each other after that.

 

Rest assured, you're not the only one. It could just be the age group you'e in at the moment.

[RySant]

But I'll tell you: it makes me fearful of getting into another relationship. To go along for a while, and then problems creep up (in my experience they all related to the guy pulling away / not being respectful in one way or other / not wanting to talk about the future of the relationship and arguing with me when I brought it up), and then, poof!, they're done and never want to talk to me again. I don't want to start out with a new person and feel like I'm waiting for the guillotine to drop where they just don't want to be with me anymore and don't even want to break up with me to my face.

 

THIS! Exactly the reason why I am yet in a relationship and is very afraid to commit. Feelings are fickle. Promises are easily made when the infatuation is still there. But once it dies out. Goodbye.

 

They say that pain is all worth it, that enjoy the run while it lasts, But I can't help but be in that notion where, why would I make myself immerse on something that will eventually go away? I don't think the pain is worth it to feel "a period of bliss"

 

Better to have a boring life than a painful one.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have experienced the same thing. My last major ex went from spending 24/7 with me to never seeing me again. There was no gradual loss. We had problems but he seemed very invested up until the last day. Once it was done, he went to a complete stranger in a split second. This was so traumatic for me that I don't think I can do it again.

 

I almost wish I lived 100 years ago where people took commitments more seriously. I think that the difference between ebb and flow and severing a tie is in the concious decision. If people are not married and have no children together, it seems easier to just end it.

 

Ever since then, I have dated but always protected myself from getting attached. In retrospect, all the opportunities I had to invest were not right ones as there were issues that told me that those men would end up hurting me in the end. I was able to walk away pain free each time. I like to think that when I meet a good man, I will instictively know that it's safe to get close.

[basil67]

Given that all these guys had similar issues, I'm ondering what your contribution to this was. Could it be that you were holding on to a relationship which was past it's use-by date?

 

Do you think that there were signs that the relationships had run their course but you weren't ready to recognise it?

 

I'm not criticising you - I'm just wondering if perhaps you have a habit of not wanting to end a failing relationship.

[Toodaloo]

Relationships are hard work.

 

Its hard work to keep that spark alive and the fires burning.

 

Its not a case of saying this is me I am wonderful. You have to work out how your partner receives and gives love, how best you can demonstrate that and keep it going in thoughtful and imaginative ways.

 

Then its not just you. They have to do the same too or it leaves you with the empty, falling out of love feelings.

 

That is why its always important to look for the stead fast qualities in a potential mate rather than just the initial flickers and excitement.

[Popsicle]

Everyone is scared that someone will not love them or will fall out of love with them. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try though.

[Toodaloo]

Everyone is scared that someone will not love them or will fall out of love with them. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try though.

 

Pops is right. You only fail if you don't try.

[Maxtor]

Monogamous relationships dont make sense.

[Toodaloo]

Monogamous relationships dont make sense.

 

To you.

 

To me they make fantastic sense. I can't understand the other side of it at all. I accept that some are like that but I also accept that it is not for me.

[Maxtor]

To you.

 

To me they make fantastic sense. I can't understand the other side of it at all. I accept that some are like that but I also accept that it is not for me.

Not to me, to most population. Divorce rates are increasing each year, its so easy to hook up with someone else these days. The grass is always greener. People get tired. Etc etc etc.

 

Hollywood brainwashed you.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think the ebb and flow is natural - to an extent. I think its a product of familiarity and boredom. People with higher levels of emotional maturity realize the need to invest in communication and intimacy to keep the spark alive, whether or not thwy are married or dating.

 

I dont think there is a difference in what happens psychologically between couples who are married vs. dating. The difference in level of commitment is what drives the different responses/ expectations/ results.

 

The act of marriage for many means a commitment to stay by someones side for better or for worse. Most people with some level of maturity recognize that the "for worse" part includes the possibility that you may not always be "feeling it" for your spouse. Being married means its your job as a couple to fix that.

 

For couples who are dating, there is no expectation to make it work despite the issues. Even if they can recognize that its "normal" for feelings to ebb and flow, most people will not choose to get married when theyre not feeling it for someone. The incentive just isnt there on an emotional level, and why take the risk of embarking on an uphill climb right off the bat? They may try to work on the relationship for a while if they have the emotional skills to do so, but ultimately call it quits much sooner. Regarding the "no contact" you have experienced thereafter, I know how painful that can be, but I dont think you should take it as a reflection on you or the relationship. No contact is a coping strategy many use to move on. Even though it can feel cruel, there is usually little to be gained for either party from hanging on once a relationship is over.

 

Its possible that your issue is that you have dated men who are generally not eager to commit. People for whom marriage is a priority may have a different style of dating, where martiage is the goal. This may decrease the dating window enough to postpone the potential "lost feeling" issues till after marriage, when there is an expectation to make it work.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I have experienced the same thing. My last major ex went from spending 24/7 with me to never seeing me again. There was no gradual loss. We had problems but he seemed very invested up until the last day. Once it was done, he went to a complete stranger in a split second. This was so traumatic for me that I don't think I can do it again.

 

I almost wish I lived 100 years ago where people took commitments more seriously. I think that the difference between ebb and flow and severing a tie is in the concious decision. If people are not married and have no children together, it seems easier to just end it.

 

Ever since then, I have dated but always protected myself from getting attached. In retrospect, all the opportunities I had to invest were not right ones as there were issues that told me that those men would end up hurting me in the end. I was able to walk away pain free each time. I like to think that when I meet a good man, I will instictively know that it's safe to get close.

 

I think the difference between now and 100 years ago is that marriage was much more of an expectation as the end goal of dating, rather than an option. People did not tend to date and live together for years before tying the knot. The lack of birth control eliminated long-term dating as a possibility for people who wanted to have sex but did not desire to have kids out of wedlock. That is why the level of commitment seems higher. Having more options is a double edged sword.

Edited January 13, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[soph-walker]

Not to me, to most population. Divorce rates are increasing each year, its so easy to hook up with someone else these days. The grass is always greener. People get tired. Etc etc etc.

 

Hollywood brainwashed you.

 

Disagree with this to quite a degree.

 

Divorce rates may be by the by, but the majority of people want to meet one person they can be with happily for their days on earth.

 

It's nowt to do with being brainwashed...we've sought out partners and monogamy since the dawn of time.

 

If polygamy's what you're into, heck..whatever gets you through the day!

[Toodaloo]

Not to me, to most population. Divorce rates are increasing each year, its so easy to hook up with someone else these days. The grass is always greener. People get tired. Etc etc etc.

 

Hollywood brainwashed you.

 

Its not easy to hook up with people unless you have very low standards regarding the people you hook up with...

 

Yes I could get sex if I wanted it with whichever gender I desire but that is not what I want.

 

I want a quality man who has morals and standards.

 

It has nothing to do with Walt and his crew and everything to do with my personal needs.

 

Divorce rates are up because of unrealistic expectations and a total lack of staying power. Its also so easy to get divorced now even if it does hurt.

 

But then its also easy to catch STD's and get pregnant using guys as a sperm donor or bank roll.

 

Its a choice we make.

 

I have chosen the harder route because I want a quality man that is worth working for.

 

The grass is only greener on the other side because your neighbours regularly mow and water it. Pull out the lawn mower, get up and water your grass, then fertilise it, scarify it regularly and remove the weeds then your lawn can be brighter than theirs too!

 

That is the difference.

 

I don't want my neighbours lawn. I want my own to tend and nurture.

[Zapbasket]

Theres a lot of pressure on longterm relationships these days because people have unrealistic expectations of each other. This thing people call feelings is often just hormones and they can't be maintained forever no matter what you do. Actual feelings develop over time but they change from excitement to comfort and security. I think what these men are telling you is that the hormonal high is gone. Well, sure that's supposed to happen.

 

But if you;ve got a guy who goes chasing that again then he's not very mature and hasn't really learnt that all relationships rely on friendship over the longterm. That's not to say that sex and love go away, but hormones die down after a time and then you need to basically like each other after that.

 

Rest assured, you're not the only one. It could just be the age group you'e in at the moment.

 

I wish. I'm 39. And the guy I dated when I was 31-32 was 49 at the time. The only one I "understand" is the guy I dated from ages 25-30 (we were the same age). We were, sadly, each other's "starter relationship."

[Zapbasket]

THIS! Exactly the reason why I am yet in a relationship and is very afraid to commit. Feelings are fickle. Promises are easily made when the infatuation is still there. But once it dies out. Goodbye.

 

They say that pain is all worth it, that enjoy the run while it lasts, But I can't help but be in that notion where, why would I make myself immerse on something that will eventually go away? I don't think the pain is worth it to feel "a period of bliss"

 

Better to have a boring life than a painful one.

 

I hear you. The truth is, even with the most positive mindset I still feel I'd have been better off without any of these guys I dated long-term. They just didn't add that much to my life, when I look back; if anything, each one of them held me back with their negativity and closed-off-ness. It was constant work to get them to be at least a little more positive and awake to their experiences and our relationship. It was exhausting, and, eventually, downright enraging. These were all grown men, after all. And none of them were unintelligent.

 

Where my trust problems lie is, let's say you're as alert to red flags in the early months of dating as anyone can be. How does that help you foresee a loss of feeling because of a loss of infatuation?

[Zapbasket]

I have experienced the same thing. My last major ex went from spending 24/7 with me to never seeing me again. There was no gradual loss. We had problems but he seemed very invested up until the last day. Once it was done, he went to a complete stranger in a split second. This was so traumatic for me that I don't think I can do it again.

 

I almost wish I lived 100 years ago where people took commitments more seriously. I think that the difference between ebb and flow and severing a tie is in the concious decision. If people are not married and have no children together, it seems easier to just end it.

 

Ever since then, I have dated but always protected myself from getting attached. In retrospect, all the opportunities I had to invest were not right ones as there were issues that told me that those men would end up hurting me in the end. I was able to walk away pain free each time. I like to think that when I meet a good man, I will instictively know that it's safe to get close.

 

To the bolded especially: I'm right there with you. The ease with which all three of my "serious" relationship partners were able to discard our relationship and me, and the utter finality, and the blaming me for everything and taking next to no responsibility for anything (except the last one, who was even worse in that he offered a drive-by apology for his "behavior that hurt me through the years" but that was only after years of never taking responsibility and always trying to turn the tables on me), was like a tripartite trauma. Each time I picked myself up but then with this last one, his breakup email (because he couldn't do it to my face) was almost IDENTICAL to my 2007 ex's breakup email (because he also couldn't do it to my face) and I just lost it. I feel emotionally threadbare and certain that I don't have space in my life for one more such instance of heartache. At the same time, I'd love to find someone great to spend my life with. And like you, I do hope I will recognize a good man when I see one. So far I just see a guys around me who are decent but who clearly lack depth and I know from minimal interaction that they could never "handle" a woman like me. Which is an insulting concept in itself.

[Zapbasket]

Given that all these guys had similar issues, I'm ondering what your contribution to this was. Could it be that you were holding on to a relationship which was past it's use-by date?

 

Do you think that there were signs that the relationships had run their course but you weren't ready to recognise it?

 

I'm not criticising you - I'm just wondering if perhaps you have a habit of not wanting to end a failing relationship.

 

That's exactly what it was. I should have ended each one of these relationships much sooner. For example:

 

Guy #1, dated from ages 25-30: After over a year of dating, he told me, "I'm not sure how I feel about you." It hurt me terribly but I didn't know then that I should have just walked away right then. I felt very insulted, but didn't say anything because we were about to go on a 3-week Peru / Machu Picchu tour with his parents and brother. And then that trip was incredible, so I quickly forgot what he said because his actions seemed to suggest he was very sure he felt very into me. Go figure.

 

Guy #2, dated from ages 31-almost 33: He openly flirted with other women in front of me while telling me I was "not his usual taste" because of my "size" (Size 2 or 4 depending on the brand, and very athletic). I didn't leave him even though this repeatedly hurt me because I very stupidly had moved across the country to be with him and had no friends, no job in place, and at the time, no car to get around, either. Really, really stupid and I spent YEARS recovering from this one (not so much emotionally as situationally).

 

Guy #3, dated from ages 33-almost 37: He constantly tried to get a rise out of me, and told me he enjoyed it even while I repeatedly told him it hurt me as his teasing felt more putting me down than being playful, and he'd tell me to "quit it" and that I was "oversensitive." I almost ended this one after a year, but I was new to the area and his family was amazing and I just couldn't bring myself to end something that had such good aspects to it even while my instincts screamed that something was wrong.

 

So, yes. I didn't want to "fail" and so I didn't end the relationships when it first became obvious that perhaps it wasn't going to go anywhere. The thing was, I didn't interpret the signs that way at the time. I kept thinking things would change and kept making excuses for them at my own expense. I thought they were just all grumpy and closed off; I never had any idea how little feeling they actually had for me, especially in the end.

 

And I fear I still don't know how to really see the signs that someone a) doesn't have much feeling for me in the first place, and/or b) has lost his feelings for me. It's not like any of these guys tried to talk with me about it.

[Zapbasket]

Relationships are hard work.

 

Its hard work to keep that spark alive and the fires burning.

 

Its not a case of saying this is me I am wonderful. You have to work out how your partner receives and gives love, how best you can demonstrate that and keep it going in thoughtful and imaginative ways.

 

Then its not just you. They have to do the same too or it leaves you with the empty, falling out of love feelings.

 

That is why its always important to look for the stead fast qualities in a potential mate rather than just the initial flickers and excitement.

 

What are the steadfast qualities to look for?

[HereNorThere]

Real, mature relationships for through ups and downs and lose their spark from time to time. The difference is that they work to get it back. I know of no married couples who have not struggled with that at one point or another. Attachment love is different than the crazy, intense, obsessive but fickle love. It doesn't have the "rush" but that rush is replaced by stability and commitment. Truly committed people work to put the the spark back into love when it wanes.

 

The real issue is that people are unwilling to admit that the infatuation wears off. They feel entitled to that new love feeling and constantly chase it. You're supposed to trade in your new love feeling card when you make a commitment to someone, but some people just can't do it. They start blaming their partner for their own unhappiness (forgetting they've always been unhappy with something, somewhere throughout their life) and go looking for excitement again.

 

One day you'll find someone who knows how bad your breathe smells in morning, how bad your poop stinks, and all of the other things that makes you human. There will be times when they lose attraction or feelings for you, but the difference is that they actively work to gain those feeling back because they love you. That's attachment love and it does exist. Most people simply do not want it it enough to put in the work it takes. However, I have no doubt you will one day find it.

[Zapbasket]

I think the ebb and flow is natural - to an extent. I think its a product of familiarity and boredom. People with higher levels of emotional maturity realize the need to invest in communication and intimacy to keep the spark alive, whether or not thwy are married or dating.

 

I dont think there is a difference in what happens psychologically between couples who are married vs. dating. The difference in level of commitment is what drives the different responses/ expectations/ results.

 

The act of marriage for many means a commitment to stay by someones side for better or for worse. Most people with some level of maturity recognize that the "for worse" part includes the possibility that you may not always be "feeling it" for your spouse. Being married means its your job as a couple to fix that.

 

For couples who are dating, there is no expectation to make it work despite the issues. Even if they can recognize that its "normal" for feelings to ebb and flow, most people will not choose to get married when theyre not feeling it for someone. The incentive just isnt there on an emotional level, and why take the risk of embarking on an uphill climb right off the bat? They may try to work on the relationship for a while if they have the emotional skills to do so, but ultimately call it quits much sooner. Regarding the "no contact" you have experienced thereafter, I know how painful that can be, but I dont think you should take it as a reflection on you or the relationship. No contact is a coping strategy many use to move on. Even though it can feel cruel, there is usually little to be gained for either party from hanging on once a relationship is over.

 

Its possible that your issue is that you have dated men who are generally not eager to commit. People for whom marriage is a priority may have a different style of dating, where martiage is the goal. This may decrease the dating window enough to postpone the potential "lost feeling" issues till after marriage, when there is an expectation to make it work.

 

Great response; thank you. What you say makes a lot of sense. And, yes, I think it was the case that the guys I dated were very emotionally reticent though they could be affectionate at times but all of them generally had a very negative outlook and seemed to be enamored by my joie de vivre. But I don't think they really had that inner urge to commit--perhaps not to anyone. The first guy I dated seriously is married now, but I can't imagine he has become any more emotionally open; perhaps his wife tolerates it better than I did because she is emotionally reticent, as well.

[Buddhist]

Not to me, to most population. Divorce rates are increasing each year, its so easy to hook up with someone else these days. The grass is always greener. People get tired. Etc etc etc.

 

Hollywood brainwashed you.

 

And it sounds like Tinder is brainwashing you.

[Buddhist]

So, yes. I didn't want to "fail" and so I didn't end the relationships when it first became obvious that perhaps it wasn't going to go anywhere. The thing was, I didn't interpret the signs that way at the time. I kept thinking things would change and kept making excuses for them at my own expense. I thought they were just all grumpy and closed off; I never had any idea how little feeling they actually had for me, especially in the end.

 

And I fear I still don't know how to really see the signs that someone a) doesn't have much feeling for me in the first place, and/or b) has lost his feelings for me. It's not like any of these guys tried to talk with me about it.

 

I know this mindset well. Spent many years in it. It's self blame for the behaviour of someone else. You didn't end it right away probably because you don't see yourself as a quitter and it's very common advice to hear that in relationships no-ones perfect, you have to compromise and think positive and work at it. That's why you didn't just want to walk away at the first sign of trouble. Even though in retrospect you see it was a giant waste of your time. Lets face it, if you wander off at the first bump in the road you'll never get the relationship you want.

 

But I can assure you of one thing. All of this was not in vain and you really wouldn't have been better off without them. Each one taught you something about yourself. Not to take put downs lightly, but to see them for what they are, gouges at your self esteem because the guy you are with has none.

[Zapbasket]

I know this mindset well. Spent many years in it. It's self blame for the behaviour of someone else. You didn't end it right away probably because you don't see yourself as a quitter and it's very common advice to hear that in relationships no-ones perfect, you have to compromise and think positive and work at it. That's why you didn't just want to walk away at the first sign of trouble. Even though in retrospect you see it was a giant waste of your time. Lets face it, if you wander off at the first bump in the road you'll never get the relationship you want.

 

But I can assure you of one thing. All of this was not in vain and you really wouldn't have been better off without them. Each one taught you something about yourself. Not to take put downs lightly, but to see them for what they are, gouges at your self esteem because the guy you are with has none.

 

It's SO HARD for me to sever relationships--especially when I deeply care about a person. I really loved my most recent ex, very much, and the end of our relationship has hurt more than anything else I've experienced. I knew there were real troubles in our relationship, but I just couldn't bring myself to end it. And not just because I loved him so much, not just because I loved his family so much. It was also because I had no way of knowing whether the problems I experienced with him would truly be greater than problems I might experience with anyone else. What good is ending a relationship if getting into another relationship is just exchanging one set and kind of problems for another kind? That's why I have such difficulty understanding how easy it is for some people to just "lose feelings" and then walk away. If they can lose feelings for one person, borrowing abuse or cheating or other serious relationship infractions, then how can they trust they won't lose feelings for someone else, down the line?

 

I guess I just don't see relationships as expendable. Intellectually I get it--nothing lasts, yada yada--but each relationship is unique while at the same time, relationship problems by and large are the same across the board. So I generally feel I'd rather just work on the one that I have. The problem was always that the guys I was with didn't see it the same way, and bailed. It hurts like death to feel so expendable, especially when you felt--and trusted--that the love was very much there on both sides. Maybe the trust issues I struggle with now, being single and thinking apprehensively of ever being in a relationship again, is that I fear I can't trust MYSELF, to recognize that someone doesn't love me ENOUGH to hold our relationship dear and work on it rather than let it go. Plus, it's not like any of these guys even tried to be friends with me after we broke up. They were just...done. They never wanted anything more to do with me in any aspect. My most recent ex lives right down the road from me--literally about 0.5 miles--and, nothing.

 

It's terrifying, the prospect of ever going through this hurt again.