LAGirl65 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I think I am asking for support and practical advice and maybe some cheerleading... One year after permanent separation from my exH of 20 years, met MM. He was slick. I was not looking to date and made it very clear (I really was not ready to date anyone). He worked me slow and steady, like playing a fish. We became platonic friends. We had fun times with my friends and the kids....weirdly i never met most of his friends or his kids. After 4 months he really came on to me, I was attracted to him, it progressed to PA. All the while, believing he was divorced for over 5 years, joint custody, etc. He spent Christmas at my house....Valentines Day, Mother's Day, etc. Went away for the weekend together. Saw him nearly every day for 3 months.... After 4 months of PA it was pretty evident something was not right. I won't bore you with details .... I confronted him, he lied. I started digging online and found they were still married. He said, yes but living apart in the same house....you have all heard it before. I tried doing NC but he came to my house, my work, etc. etc. Crying, miserable, remorseful. I said OK I know the truth, we're done. I was NOT smart. He said he could not live without me even if we were just friends. I was foolish, I tried to be friends with him. Immediately went back to talking and texting all day long, seeing him several times a week, but friendly....when he would say anything sexual I pushed back.... Then started telling me he had moved to the guest house, he told her it was over, he wanted me, blah blah. Then it seemed that things were more normal and public. I let it go back to PA. Foolish, I know. I thought I loved him. I definitely liked him as a person, except for the whole lying, cheating thing (LOL). At this point, things were looking pretty normal a few months, then he started acting weird. Looking back I think maybe she suspected. I did not like how he was acting so I stopped the PA, but I think it was then an EA. I tried to break it off with him. He resisted. Anyway, to make a long story shorter, I told him I was very unhappy and thought we should "take a break" and see what we wanted to do. He called & texted me a few times (previously talked or texted 20+ times a day) and acted as if nothing had changed. I told him I needed more time. Today, for the first time in weeks, I woke up feeling really good, not sad, not wistful, not missing him. I had a nice morning at work, went to a lovely lunch with my BFF....was dressed super cute by accident.... and he called me out of the blue and said he "had to see me" and he was despondent, could not survive without talking to me. So I agreed to see him, at my office, put a really tight time limit on it.....he showed up looking really terrible, tearful, beaten down. BUT....still with his wife. I said OK, no matter what happens, we have to be done, I won't do this anymore. He said OK. Said the guilt was killing him. Apologized. Whatever. Felt the need to flatter me; whatever. Says he wants to be friends. Says he misses talking to me etc etc. Tells me how awesome I look, how gorgeous I am, etc. I told him if he was going to stay married he should take all the energy he had been spending on me and spend it on HER and their marriage would be better....he said he had no hopes for their marriage but won't leave...because of "responsibilities" kids, vows, etc. I don't want him to leave her for me anyway.....I wouldn't take him and told him as much when this topic was broached previously.... I was super cold and calm; no drama but refused to give him a goodbye hug. I said something like "don't call me" and then he agreed, but texted me immediately after leaving about a practical matter. So, dear readers: he's full of it right? he wants to have EA, call it friends, and keep me in reserve for later? I am being played again? How do I know when its an EA and its friends? Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Your MM sounds like mine. All the speak about missing me, missing talking to me, wants to be friends and do stuff together as friends, etc. He wants the best of both worlds - you as a back up option, and his wife as his stable life option. I love my MM without a shadow of a doubt. But I cannot cope with his wishy washy ways of dealing with his issues. I believe they all lie to both their wives and their affair partners, in order to keep the status quo on both sides of the coin. Personally, I find it impossible to remain as only friends because it keeps the hope alive in me which will only lead to more pain. However, I am not NC right now. I was NC but we keep on finding out way back to one another again and again and again. It is exhausting, soul destroying, and debilitating. Think twice before you sign up for this hell. I have been there. Still there in fact. It is hard to just chuck it all in. It is a process that happens slowly for me, too freaking slowly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 OP, sorry that this sucks for you but you deserve a big hug for ending this once and for all. There is nothing more that he can now do for you once you've opened your eyes to what kind of person he is. (hint: lying, cheating cake eater) With an xMM, you have to accept that it will NEVER be "just friends" anymore. Real friends do not need to hide their friendship. Real friends gets introduced to each other's spouses and families. If he cannot do that, then do not insult the meaning of a genuine platonic friendship between a man and woman. Also, you will do much better with a single, available man sans drama. NC will hurt, you will miss him even if he is an A hole, but as time pass and you heal and perhaps find happiness- you will thank yourself for cutting your losses. Good luck! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 (edited) I think he is clinging to you and acting so desperate and hopelessly in love because he KNOWS he is not getting a divorce. Something about knowing you're trapped and can't have something makes it (you) more desirable and makes you want them even more and he will go all out to express how much he wants you, because, what does he have to lose? Of course, "going all out" falls just short of introducing to you as his new girlfriend to his wife (wife who is supposed to be his ex-wife soon, according to him). Anyways, just tell him to contact you once he's 1. officially divorced AND 2. living some place else other than on the same property as his wife. In the meantime, strict NC and you can move on with your life as if it's over for good. Edited January 13, 2016 by Popsicle 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 And yes, he wants to have an EA under the guise of "friendship". 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 (edited) Also, are you officially divorced? Because if you're not, then it makes sense that he thinks it's fair game for him to get involved with someone else who is also not officially divorced. Separation, as people call it. And with lots of qualifiers as to why they are not officially divorced. "Divorce is just a technicality". Edited January 13, 2016 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 He started out deceiving you..... makes it hard to know his truth from his lies at the end of the day. However .... one truth is that he's not leaving her.. though she could always leave him if she finds out. You're better off without him. No friendship and no contact with him. He played you from the get go. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 He has made it clear that he is not leaving his wife yet expects you to continue being his hidden romance/friendship. He is only thinking of himself. He should want more for you than this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LAGirl65 Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 Also, are you officially divorced? Because if you're not, then it makes sense that he thinks it's fair game for him to get involved with someone else who is also not officially divorced. Separation, as people call it. And with lots of qualifiers as to why they are not officially divorced. "Divorce is just a technicality". We are formally separated almost 3 years, papers for divorce filed, in waiting period per local law, minor skirmish over the property settlement. ExH is living with his new gf for over one year, everybody on my side is totally open about what's what. My exH and all his family know about MM and have met him as he came to family functions and holidays etc. Totally not the same thing as he's doing. The "Im not formally divorced" was part of my reasoning for not dating "yet" then found out ex had moved in with his gf....I was always careful to protect the kids from having the new man in their face, no sleepovers, no overt PDA around them. He was very respectful of the kids and their dad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LAGirl65 Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 OP, sorry that this sucks for you but you deserve a big hug for ending this once and for all. There is nothing more that he can now do for you once you've opened your eyes to what kind of person he is. (hint: lying, cheating cake eater) With an xMM, you have to accept that it will NEVER be "just friends" anymore. Real friends do not need to hide their friendship. Real friends gets introduced to each other's spouses and families. If he cannot do that, then do not insult the meaning of a genuine platonic friendship between a man and woman. Also, you will do much better with a single, available man sans drama. NC will hurt, you will miss him even if he is an A hole, but as time pass and you heal and perhaps find happiness- you will thank yourself for cutting your losses. Good luck! Thank you. I really appreciate it, this helps. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LAGirl65 Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 Thank you. I really appreciate it, this helps. :-) Thank you, I respect your position, thinking about it this way helps me. Real friends don't need to hide, exactly. He has been entirely self centered and selfish. I feel so bad for his poor wife. Even when he complained about her she's not like she's awful, there's probably no reason they cannot salvage this. I did try to extract a promise from him that he'll seek help. for HIS problem (being a cheater). No illusions though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LAGirl65 Posted January 16, 2016 Author Share Posted January 16, 2016 Well guess he has trouble with the whole NC idea. He has called and texted me, now claiming he is "destroyed" and severely depressed, thinking of killing himself because he is feeling guilty for hurting wife and can't stand thought of losing me...etc. etc. I referred him to a psychiatrist. I doubt he would follow through on this, but if he did, I would feel terrible. BUT Since he won't respect the NC should I block his number? He demanded to see me and I refused. Previously when he did this I did not respond and he came to my house....Any advise other than NC? I don't even want to consider seeing him later if he leaves his wife. I have such a clearer view of his manipulative selfish behaviors now....all the fun, love and affection are really not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Well guess he has trouble with the whole NC idea. He has called and texted me, now claiming he is "destroyed" and severely depressed, thinking of killing himself because he is feeling guilty for hurting wife and can't stand thought of losing me...etc. etc. I referred him to a psychiatrist. I doubt he would follow through on this, but if he did, I would feel terrible. BUT Since he won't respect the NC should I block his number? He demanded to see me and I refused. Previously when he did this I did not respond and he came to my house....Any advise other than NC? I don't even want to consider seeing him later if he leaves his wife. I have such a clearer view of his manipulative selfish behaviors now....all the fun, love and affection are really not worth it. Cut him loose right away. Seriously. My Dad played the "suicide" card after cheating on my Mom. I had to call the police twice. And then he made himself the victim of "me calling the police." Effing losers, the lot of them. Untwist yourself from his BS drama. That's all it is. I was genuinely suicidal in my early 20s. It isn't like that. As soon as someone doesn't give him attention for that, he'll move onto something else, or his next victim. Most adults know that if they deceive someone about their marital status, that the person they deceived probably won't want to talk to them again (duh!). That's pretty par for the course. As for freaking out because you want NC and he "hurt his wife" the two don't line up at all. Most of these freaks are really disordered when you get right down to it. If he cared about hurting his wife: at the very least he'd rush to NC and be done with it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 "EA and friends", besides being an illogical self-contradiction, is just a prolongation of the wasted time and emotional pain for you. Clean-cut NC is the only way to go. I don't usually advise telling the wife, but in the case where ex-MM keeps breaking NC and annoying you, I'd do a 1-time announcement that the next speck of contact gets a data dump of emails, photos, and chat logs, with cover letter to set context, courier delivered to the betrayed wife's hand. That will greatly simplify your life and your recovery. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 "EA and friends", besides being an illogical self-contradiction, is just a prolongation of the wasted time and emotional pain for you. Clean-cut NC is the only way to go. I don't usually advise telling the wife, but in the case where ex-MM keeps breaking NC and annoying you, I'd do a 1-time announcement that the next speck of contact gets a data dump of emails, photos, and chat logs, with cover letter to set context, courier delivered to the betrayed wife's hand. That will greatly simplify your life and your recovery. Good luck! I'd tell the wife. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Block him. If he shows at your house, do not open the door. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LAGirl65 Posted June 25, 2021 Author Share Posted June 25, 2021 Hi all you wonderful people. I want to update this. I got away, went back, got away again. your advice was so helpful. I have read and reread these stories. Went to therapy for 2 years. Got myself healthy (still in therapy but less often). One year ago met a wonderful guy. We have since moved in together, have a great life. I want all you to know that it is possible to heal from this. You all were an enormous help. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 25, 2021 Share Posted June 25, 2021 Oh that's so wonderful to hear. We knew you could do it! I'm so happy for you and your new guy. Link to post Share on other sites
mimic2021 Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 That is amazing! I am so happy to read you’ve found the strength and courage to work on yourself and move on. I hope you have a great time with your new boyfriend and that things will continue to work out for the best. Lots of love! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 On 6/25/2021 at 6:06 PM, LAGirl65 said: One year ago met a wonderful guy. We have since moved in together, have a great life. Excellent. As soon as you got rid of a cheater a decent man came by. Link to post Share on other sites
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