boom782 Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Need some help/advice please. Im 23 years old and crazy about a co-worker. We both work at a gym and spend a fair amount of time together at work, usually working out. We get along very well and usually have a great time together. Problem is she is absolutely perfect(funny, sweet, and absolutely gorgeous, guys flock to her at the gym) and I am pretty out of shape, but getting better by the day(lost over 60 lbs in 15 months but still heavy). I am almost positive she knows that I like her as I believe some co-workers have told her that, and I think I probably make it pretty obvious. Last Thursday I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie this weekend and she quickly replied yes. Come Friday as we are closing up shop at work, another co-worker shows up(one who is fit and never has trouble getting ladies) and they end up going out somewhere. Now I am at a loss. I've known this guy much longer than her and know that he is not the right guy for her. He is a womenizer(?sp) and is only interested in women for 1 thing. We have even talked about how he is like that and other co-workers have even confirmed that for her. So obviously Im pretty crushed when I see the two of them go out. Saturday comes and we had plans to work out in the afternoon. She sees me and asks if we are still on and I say yes, but I have to do a warmup first. I do my warmup, finish up, take a break, then try to find her and notice that she already started, so not knowing what to do I just leave. I come back 2 hours later before close to finish my workout and she is there with him and they obviously have plans again that night. What do I do??? I don't know whether to be mad, angry, upset or what. I am deffinitely hurt though. Thursday night things were excellent and plans were in the works, then Friday and Saturday, very few words passed between us. Mainly because I don't know what to do. Should I bring up the movie again? Come out and tell her how I feel? Continue to keep things breif with her until she comes to me? Please help.
Tony Posted June 5, 2005 Senior Moderators Posted June 5, 2005 One mistake you made was not joining her in the workout she was already underway with. That aside, she sounds very immature, rude and inconsiderate. Frankly, I don't think you should waste your time. She may be all the things you say but if she's selfish, self centered, rude and inconsiderate in addition to being "funny, sweet and gorgeous" your life with her could be total hell. My vote is to write her off and, other than saying hello and moving on when you see her, just go about your life like she doesn't even exist. Unfortunately, that will make her gravitate to you. You'll probably give in and then you'll see just what I mean by total hell. I've been there and I know just how bad it can get. You have absolutely NOTHING to lose and EVERYTHING to gain by confronting her briefly and letting her know you were disappointed that she didn't keep her word by making plans with you. Don't get into a big exchange. Just tell her that and walk away. You may be the first guy in the world who's ever told her butt off and she'll respect you for it. Oh, forgot to mention, she works with you and asking somebody out you work with puts them in a VERY uncomfortable position. She may feel obligated to say something nice like "yes" hoping you'll just forget about it. (People who work at the gym are trained to be nice and courteous to everybody.) You never made definite plans with her and she went out of her way to see that you didn't get the opportunity to do so. In my book, that's a BIG message!
Marshbear Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by Tony One mistake you made was not joining her in the workout she was already underway with. That aside, she sounds very immature, rude and inconsiderate. Frankly, I don't think you should waste your time. She may be all the things you say but if she's selfish, self centered, rude and inconsiderate in addition to being "funny, sweet and gorgeous" your life with her could be total hell. My vote is to write her off and, other than saying hello and moving on when you see her, just go about your life like she doesn't even exist. Unfortunately, that will make her gravitate to you. You'll probably give in and then you'll see just what I mean by total hell. I've been there and I know just how bad it can get. You have absolutely NOTHING to lose and EVERYTHING to gain by confronting her briefly and letting her know you were disappointed that she didn't keep her word by making plans with you. Don't get into a big exchange. Just tell her that and walk away. You may be the first guy in the world who's ever told her butt off and she'll respect you for it. Oh, forgot to mention, she works with you and asking somebody out you work with puts them in a VERY uncomfortable position. She may feel obligated to say something nice like "yes" hoping you'll just forget about it. (People who work at the gym are trained to be nice and courteous to everybody.) You never made definite plans with her and she went out of her way to see that you didn't get the opportunity to do so. In my book, that's a BIG message! I agree with Tony. Forget her. You think she is a nice, funny gal and is to good for the other guy. She obviously doesn't agree. Take her off the pedestal. You are to nice for her. Find someone who appreciates your qualities. Just go about your business. I wouldn't even bring up the ,movie thing. If she does just blow it off as no big deal. If she really wants to go with you make her take the effort to get with you. I would be nice and polite to her but you are to good for her. Find someone else... Peace...
boom782 Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Thanks for the quick reply. I knew as soon as I walked out I probably should have just joined her, but I was upset and figured if she cared enough she would come find me before starting. Also, she is probably one of the most unselfish and self-centered people I have ever met. We talk a lot and one thing that bugs us both on a huge scale is fake people(people who portray a different image around certaint people to atract them) and self-centered people. Both of us can't stand one co-worker who talks about themself non-stop. We work different shifts too, so if it wasn't for making plans to work out together we might never cross paths. You may be right about her but I seriously hope not. Everyone who knows her considers her one of the nicest and sweetest people you'll meet and she wouldn't hurt a fly. Plus she is very innocent, many say extremely nieve.
boom782 Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 I also forgot to mention she is a friend and I really enjoy her company. Workouts without her will deffinitely be boring and less interesting. Thats why blowing her off and moving on is tough.
Tony Posted June 5, 2005 Senior Moderators Posted June 5, 2005 "...she is probably one of the most unselfish and self-centered people I have ever met. We talk a lot and one thing that bugs us both on a huge scale is fake people(people who portray a different image around certaint people to atract them) and self-centered people. Both of us can't stand one co-worker who talks about themself non-stop." So she opts to go out with another guy rather than honor her promise to get together with you (two days in a row) and you still think she's such a wonderful person. You have some serious pain to experience before you learn, no insult intended...done it myself. To selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate and rude, I add that she is a hyprocrite as well. She talks to you about the evils of fake people and she's about as fake as you can get. She's dumped all over you and you eat it up. I am so sorry you've got a ways to go before you learn but try to pay attention and take this in. There are so many women out there who would LOVE to be with you and who would treat you a LOT nicer than this lady. Sure, she may be all those wonderful things at work but it seems she's not wanting to give you the opportunity of finding out exactly what she's like away from there.....well, actually, she has given you a preview but you haven't paid much attention.
Tony Posted June 5, 2005 Senior Moderators Posted June 5, 2005 "Workouts without her will deffinitely be boring and less interesting." Try to understand that working out with somebody and living life with them are entirely two different things. She'd probably be just as friendly to a chimpanzee on a bike next to her. It's simply a situational thing. Once the situation is gone, the motivation is gone. Stop working out with her. If she's actually interested in you as a person, she'll go out of her way to do things wtih you away from the exercycle.
alphamale Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by Tony "Workouts without her will deffinitely be boring and less interesting." so what? She'd probably be just as friendly to a chimpanzee on a bike next to her. Stop working out with her. I concur.
Marshbear Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by boom782 I also forgot to mention she is a friend and I really enjoy her company. Workouts without her will deffinitely be boring and less interesting. Thats why blowing her off and moving on is tough. I see the problem. She has put you in the friends catagory. I bet she doesn't talk about all this to the guy she goes out with. You need to realize that what a women says is immaterial to what she does. Watch her actions. Women want you to think their this or that but look at the guys they go out with. This will give yuo a clue to what they really want in a b/f. If you want to get out of the friends thing you have to distance yourself from her. Say hi but don't sit down and have long conversations about things. Make her wonder what is going on with you. You might miss her but if you want her to see you as something more than a friend you have to do it. It might be to late but I would give it a try. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Peace...
boom782 Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Well thanks for all the replies. Its not exactly the response I had hoped for but none-the-less you answered my questions. I've got something thinking to do. Thanks again.
moimeme Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Holy moly! You ask her out to one movie and you didn't even confirm a date or time. It's not like you two are an item, are dating seriously, or are dating at all. Your mistakes were, as Tony said, not working out with her and then, when she specifically came over and said 'are we still on' you should have said 'yes, how about tonight?'. Instead, you fled and hid! Everybody's acting as though the act of you asking her out means she's not allowed to speak to or see any other man ever again!!!! You are too much a shrinking violet and THAT's the problem. I disagree that she's horrid and all those other things. YOU are not showing any confidence or real will to go for her. Instead, you ran like a scared kid. then try to find her and notice that she already started, so not knowing what to do I just leave. What you should have done was walked over to her in the warmup and said 'so, shall I pick you up at 7 tonight or would you rather see the matinee tomorrow' and get a firm commitment. I come back 2 hours later before close to finish my workout and she is there with him and they obviously have plans again that night Well why not? You were there, she ASKED you about whether you were on, and you did NOTHING about making firm plans with her. So she must have figured you'd given up on the idea and made other plans. Again, they may 'obviously' have made plans for that night, but then you should have gotten in there and made plans for today. Unless you two had agreed to date exclusively forever, all this venom and anger is unwarranted. You dropped the ball, buddy. Grab your cojones and get in the fight. If she doesn't go out with you, she'll not find out whether or not you're a great date. Behave like him. Go talk to her rather than running away. When you ask her out, ask her out, don't just make some vague plans and then run away. Unless you make yourself interesting and seem like you're really interested (by doing what the other guy does - NOT running away), she'll assume you either don't really give a hoot or are timid - and women don't often list 'timid' in their lists of desirable qualities in men.
boom782 Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Well I just got back from working out and Im lost again. She was working when I got their. I kept it short while dropping off my stuff and getting ready. She then asks me if I still want to go see a movie or even go mini golfing if its nice either Monday or Wednesday since she has the day off. Not really knowing what to say I just reply "sure." She then tells me in a playful way thats shes mad I left her alone to workout yesterday. I don't know what to do. She is the kind of person who just enjoys going out and will go out with 3-4 different people in a given week(she gets asked out probably 2-3 times more than that though.) She is not a slut or whore by any means though. They are all friendly dates/outings to my knowledge. So do I go out with her if she trys to confirm a time later this week? Do I tell her I can't? Should I bring everything out in the open if we go out so shes knows Im interested in more than being friends? The only thing I have decided with help from your posts is that im going to let her come to me. If Thursday comes and the movie was never mentioned again, oh well. Thanks again for the replies.
boom782 Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Any advice? We are supposed to work out again tomorrow right after I get off work. Also, I know some of you have suggested that I just forget about her and move on, and I will to some degree if it comes to that, but I still enjoy her company immensly and if things don't work out for us on a personal level I still wish to keep a good working relationship as well as keep a fun workout partner. Thanks again for the replies.
Tony Posted June 6, 2005 Senior Moderators Posted June 6, 2005 I think you ought to take moimeme's advice and grow some bigger cojones, that's testicles in Spanish. Be a man here, assert yourself, go after her like a man, nail her down to days and times. Don't come here to ask us how to do it, just do it like a man. Get in there and go after what you want. Nevermind the competition, let them worry about themselves. You worry about getting the lady you want. NO WOMAN WILL EVER FALL FOR A WIMP!!! Mutually confirm a day and time and when you will pick her up or meet her for the movie. If she cancels, don't let her off the hook without setting an alternate right them and there. If she says "let's wait until I feel better" or "after my grandma's funeral", let her know you will check on her in a few days. Just keep checking. She couldn't be sick forever and her grandma could only die so many times. I hope you get the point here! As far as her doing things with a lot of people, that's her perfect right if she is not committed to any of them. And it's your duty to yourself to make sure you get as much of her time as possible if not more than anybody else she may be out with. Also, make sure she has more fun with you than anybody else.
boom782 Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 I do get the point. Thanks. I have just never had much confidence due to my appearance(which is growing daily as I get better in shape) Ill go for it. Guess I have nothing to lose. Thanks again.
boom782 Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Sorry for all the questions, but now that im going to go all out, Im wondering exactly how far to go. Im trying to find some fun date ideas since a movie can be pretty blah at times and, well, she has seen just about every decent movie since that is what she does on all of her outings. Would it be a bad idea to give her a flower/flowers when we go out? Doing so obviously makes it clear that im hoping its an actual date and not just two friends having a fun night out. So flowers? Yes/no? What about any unusual or fun date ideas. I'd love to here some.
boom782 Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 I called her today around 6pm and left her a message asking when we planned on working out. She called me back around 8:30, but our conversation quickly got cut off after only about 10 seconds. She then called again only to have the same thing happen. This happened once more before she sent me this text message: Hey, sorry my phone sucks. Im going to the gym a little before 4 & then i will do cardio around 5. Hope 2 c u there. P.S. We still need to catch a movie. I think thats a good sign, at least I hope.
boom782 Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Any advice on the flower idea? Would that scare someone away if they only had friendly intentions or would they just think its cute or sweet?
nicki Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 congratulations, she is interested! She mentioned the movie, and that she was mad you didn't come back and work out with her the other day. She wants you, buddy... IMO, don't bring her flowers the first date. Make her work a bit for that. You are enough prize for the first date. I'd wait until the second or even third date and bring her ONE of her favorite flowers. Ask her casually sometime what kind of flower is her favorite. Don't make it seem obvious, though. Something like tell her you are thinking of planting some flowers in pot and what does she think you should plant, what is her favorite flower? Be totally clueless about how to do it, the way we women can be about fixing locks and stuff.... Anyway, you are in. Please have more confidence in yourself. She sees something in you. You have a yes from her. Go have fun.
boom782 Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Well thanks for the help all, but I don't think its going to happen. Its seems the more I try the further she seems to get and I don't want to push her away completely. I just can't read her signals, mainly because she is too nice to everyone and is the kind of person to accept a date just to be nice, which im starting to think is the case here. But the last two times I brought up a movie or going out it seemed as if the topic changed fairly quickly or she didn't know her schedule. Plus it didn't help when instead of calling and telling me she wasn't going to work out today, she just sent me a text message. Oh well, my friends all told me I shoot too high.
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