SpiritDancer Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Hi, So I've been dating this guy for almost two weeks. We oringally met in July last year but lost touch cause of busy lives and he texted me in December to ask how I was and if I wanted to meet up. I took a while to agree because he wasn't my type but then I thought to myself "your type clearly isn't working, try something else" We've been on 3 dates and I made him wait for the 3rd before I kissed him but then problem is I feel like I'm using him because he's not my type? Just for his company? And I don't want to because he's a really nice guy and it's bothering me because at the same time he makes me laugh and i enjoy his company. Our last date consisted of lunch which I knew he was planning on paying for but I bet him to it and I don't think that pleased him all that much. I really hate guys paying for me on dates like I'm some little woman that can't fend for herself and I can also see this being a problem cause he's made reference to how much money I have too. What do you think I should do?
smackie9 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Stop going out with him because obviously the heart fluttering chemistry isn't there. If you were crazy about him you would be feeling flattered that this guy wants to pay for your dates.
Author SpiritDancer Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 Stop going out with him because obviously the heart fluttering chemistry isn't there. If you were crazy about him you would be feeling flattered that this guy wants to pay for your dates. The problem I have and I can't seem to get over it is... I don't find it flattering when men want to pay. I find it annoying. Like they're saying they should pay cause your 'just a woman' I've been so independent for years, never letting anyone but me pay for stuff that I don't know how to let go.
angel.eyes Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Tell him that you really enjoy his company and conversation, but you aren't a match and don't see things progressing romantically. Kudos on being open-minded and gave him a solid chance. But he didn't "grow"on you with time. It happens. Occasionally we meet guys who aren't our "type" and it works out. Many times it won't. It's worth taking a risk and giving it a shot. Now that it's clear it isn't working, let him go. 2
angel.eyes Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 The problem I have and I can't seem to get over it is... I don't find it flattering when men want to pay. I find it annoying. Like they're saying they should pay cause your 'just a woman' I've been so independent for years, never letting anyone but me pay for stuff that I don't know how to let go. This is your personal preference. We're all entitled to our preferences. The real issue here is that you don't like him romantically. So end it.
Gaeta Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 If you don't feel him after 3 dates then do not pursue and let him know. As for not liking me paying dates that is simple. Before going out simply inform the man you are very set in your ways and wish to go dutch. If you forget to tell a man do not wrestle him for the bill, that's inconsiderate and rude. Let him pay then talk to him about next time.
hasaquestion Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 If you don't feel him after 3 dates then do not pursue and let him know. As for not liking me paying dates that is simple. Before going out simply inform the man you are very set in your ways and wish to go dutch. If you forget to tell a man do not wrestle him for the bill, that's inconsiderate and rude. Let him pay then talk to him about next time. I might be wrong (read: probably). But what I get out of this is that if she was really into him she wouldn't find him paying a big deal. But she's not really into him. And there's nothing "on paper" that is offensive or bad about him, so she's trumping up this particular offense to fill the void. OP, you don't need to justify what you want. Now is the gentlest time to let him down so hurry up and do it. That's my .02.
Shining One Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Our last date consisted of lunch which I knew he was planning on paying for but I bet him to it and I don't think that pleased him all that much. I really hate guys paying for me on dates like I'm some little woman that can't fend for herself and I can also see this being a problem cause he's made reference to how much money I have too.A few women have used this approach with me: Offer to contribute on the previous date. When he declines your offer, just say "the next one is on me". Thus, you won't have any wrestling for the bill on the following date.
katiegrl Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Question to OP -- do you feel angry at guys or turned off when they offer to pay? Do you feel insulted?
angel.eyes Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Problem is she doesn't want to continue dating him.
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 There's a difference between him not being "your type" and you not being attracted to him. Like you said, your type wasn't working so you initially agreed to branch out. What type are you attracted to? Now separate that into physical vs. personality. On which level does this guy fail to rev your engine. If it's both don't even bother; just end it because you are using him. If it's personality, take a long hard look at what was wrong with prior relationships. Like many women I had a bad boy phase. I great out of it because I learned to differentiate between cocky jerk & confident alpha male. If you met my husband you may think he's a beta male because he's reasonably passive; he doesn't make waves, he goes with the flow etc. But he's one of the most confident alpha males I know because he's comfortable in his own skin but doesn't have to be a show off / the center of attention to be happy. It took me a while to realize that but i kept up with the relationship even though he wasn't my "type." I previously dated verbal, flashy guys like lawyers, actors, salesmen . . . you know the type, they can talk to anybody & charm the pants off most people. If he's not your "type" based on a physical feature -- too tall, too short, "wrong" hair color etc., try picturing him the way you want him & look more with your heart & less with your eyes.
Author SpiritDancer Posted January 13, 2016 Author Posted January 13, 2016 Question to OP -- do you feel angry at guys or turned off when they offer to pay? Do you feel insulted? I feel insulted and a little angry, like they're figuring cause I'm a woman and they're a man that they should do it cause the make more money or some rubbish? I make more money than most and I just hate people paying for things for me. I've been that way my whole life. The only person in my life I will let pay for things for me is my Father. There's a difference between him not being "your type" and you not being attracted to him. Like you said, your type wasn't working so you initially agreed to branch out. What type are you attracted to? Now separate that into physical vs. personality. On which level does this guy fail to rev your engine. If it's both don't even bother; just end it because you are using him. If it's personality, take a long hard look at what was wrong with prior relationships. Like many women I had a bad boy phase. I great out of it because I learned to differentiate between cocky jerk & confident alpha male. If you met my husband you may think he's a beta male because he's reasonably passive; he doesn't make waves, he goes with the flow etc. But he's one of the most confident alpha males I know because he's comfortable in his own skin but doesn't have to be a show off / the center of attention to be happy. It took me a while to realize that but i kept up with the relationship even though he wasn't my "type." I previously dated verbal, flashy guys like lawyers, actors, salesmen . . . you know the type, they can talk to anybody & charm the pants off most people. If he's not your "type" based on a physical feature -- too tall, too short, "wrong" hair color etc., try picturing him the way you want him & look more with your heart & less with your eyes. He's got the personality that I'm attracted too which is why I enjoy his company so much. It's more the physical side, he's almost identical to my brother and that does not work for me which is a shame cause he's a really nice guy.
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 He's got the personality that I'm attracted too which is why I enjoy his company so much. It's more the physical side, he's almost identical to my brother and that does not work for me which is a shame cause he's a really nice guy. I could see where that would be . . . icky. In that case, end this because the idea of kissing your brother isn't going to go away.
Author SpiritDancer Posted January 13, 2016 Author Posted January 13, 2016 I could see where that would be . . . icky. In that case, end this because the idea of kissing your brother isn't going to go away. Yeah, it's weird and then there's the fact he's asked me twice to meet all of his friends at once and we've been on 3 dates. He wanted me to go watch a game with him and all of them and he keeps buying me presents.
thecrucible Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 What type are you attracted to? Now separate that into physical vs. personality. On which level does this guy fail to rev your engine. If it's both don't even bother; just end it because you are using him. If it's personality, take a long hard look at what was wrong with prior relationships. Like many women I had a bad boy phase. I great out of it because I learned to differentiate between cocky jerk & confident alpha male. If you met my husband you may think he's a beta male because he's reasonably passive; he doesn't make waves, he goes with the flow etc. But he's one of the most confident alpha males I know because he's comfortable in his own skin but doesn't have to be a show off / the center of attention to be happy. It took me a while to realize that but i kept up with the relationship even though he wasn't my "type." I previously dated verbal, flashy guys like lawyers, actors, salesmen . . . you know the type, they can talk to anybody & charm the pants off most people. If he's not your "type" based on a physical feature -- too tall, too short, "wrong" hair color etc., try picturing him the way you want him & look more with your heart & less with your eyes. That's great advice. I love it. I didn't realise this myself until I had more experience. I would just be attracted to the wrong guys. But I am beginning to find them less appealing so some kind of change must be happening. To me, it's the case that on balance it's more about the guy's relationship qualities and having enough inner confidence but not needing to be brash about it. It's realising that confidence isn't about being suave and a social butterfly. I have come across that type that can handle social situations and showing himself off but there is a constant need to be the centre of attention and you can't always rely on that kind of guy to actually be there for you when something difficult happens. @SpiritDancer - I think you should make your mind up soon as he's clearly getting attached if he's getting you gifts and you are obviously feel uneasy because you are not feeling into him enough for that. I would honestly be less harsh about him regarding paying for you though. People have different points of view on that and paying for you doesn't mean he doesn't respect you or is treating you like a child. Judging by his actions including the gift-giving, it's just his way of showing his affection for you. It obviously comes from a heartfelt emotion.
Buddhist Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Usually when I resent a guy paying for me it's because of an implied obligation by someone I don't want to be obligated to. If he was my thing I wouldn't mind him paying because I'd probably be intending to sex him up by way of reciprocation and wouldn't feel obligated in that case.
Author SpiritDancer Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 I'm still seeing this guy, the dates have jumped up to 7. I realised I really quite liked him when I logged onto a dating app I hadn't been on in about 6 months and he was there. Not only was he there but he was 'online' it kinda annoyed me and he was texting me at the time. He noted the change in my tone of text and asked me about it the next time I saw him. I told him what it was and his answer was 'I'm technically single'
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