chris58 Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Hi all, Typical clueless no-experience 23-year-old male here! I was just reading the thread "Sweet ways to ask a girl to be your girlfriend?" (in the Dating forum) and it looks from that like I've got my thinking all wrong when it comes to girls I like. (Well, I already knew that actually, but that thread gave me a specific question to ask rather than just thrashing about feeling completely lost ...) On that thread there are heaps of suggestions about good ways and bad ways to ask that question, but honestly, does it really matter? This isn't a criticism of those suggestions, it's just me trying to understand. I know that, for me, I'm only ever in one of two mindsets: Mindset #1: There is absolutely no girl I'm interested in at the moment. Mindset #2: There is one particular girl I can't get out of my mind every minute of every day. I guess there's a short "transition phase" from mindset #1 to #2, but that usually only takes a couple of weeks. I usually stay in mindset #1 or #2 for at least six months once I'm there, often a year or two. So the thing is, at any particular time, the "way" a girl asked me to be her boyfriend would never have any effect at all on what I'd say to her (putting aside the question of who should ask who ... let's just imagine the asking goes both ways just as often). If I'm in mindset #1, then I'm going to say no to absolutely *anyone*, no matter how the question was asked (not that that's ever happened), because I'm just not interested at all. If I'm in mindset #2, then I'm going to say no to absolutely *anyone* too, except for the one *particular* girl I'm crazy about, who I'm going to say yes to no matter how the question was asked. Does that make sense? Basically, whether or not I'm interested in someone at some particular moment is pretty much set in concrete, doesn't change often, and certainly won't change when I hear a question asked a particular way. Is this unusual? I'm starting to suspect it probably is. Anyone felt like this before? Any comments greatly appreciated.
alphamale Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by chris58 Does that make sense? No
Marshbear Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale No Makes no sense to me...
sarah12 Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 I agree. It doesn't matter how it's asked - if I really like the person, I'll say yes. If not, I'll say no. That's what it all really comes down to.
seahorse Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 It's the "asking you to be their boyfriend" bit I don't get. I have never asked anyone, or had anyone ask me (to be their girlfriend) in so direct a way. Either you are dating and it gets serious, or it isn't. I think you need to learn to be a bit more open to possibilities lol.
Female Guest Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 as a 23 yo guy i want to know if there is someone you are even dating? if you are not dating anyone, but you would like to ask someone out on a date...it is bad form to ask her to be your girfriend on the first date i do, by the way, think the right phraseology is to say "Will you be my girlfriend?" and wait for a response. quietly. do not say 'i want to be your boyfriend' or 'can i be your boyfriend?'...those are both weak and disallow her from making a choice....a choice is what you want her to have. but i will say this....do not even bring it up until you have been dating regularly for at least 4-6 months... by regularly, i mean at least once a week the thing is you have to become a STEADY dating partner before you can even EXPECT to be given that kind of privilege. ie being her boyfriend... at least this is how one woman feels about how she would like to be asked someday....I would like to be asked after he has already established a steady dating relationship with me of maybe 3 months of regular dating....i don't go for this business of being exclusive after only 3 dates interspersed over a period of 3 months. This is how i define being chased and this is how i define being courted and this is how I expect a man to show that he is interested in me....asking me out often and being his steady dating partner....i don't want to be asked before that time....i would feel trapped.
Author chris58 Posted June 22, 2005 Author Posted June 22, 2005 Interesting ... thanks for those responses everyone. Originally posted by alphamale No Originally posted by Marshbear Makes no sense to me... Do you guys mean you don't understand what I'd written, or you understand the "mindsets" I go through but it's different from the way most people feel? Originally posted by Female Guest as a 23 yo guy i want to know if there is someone you are even dating? Nope! Never dated anyone at all. Originally posted by Female Guest if you are not dating anyone, but you would like to ask someone out on a date...it is bad form to ask her to be your girfriend on the first date Hmmm ... I didn't really realise there was a difference but alright, I'm learning! Originally posted by Female Guest but i will say this....do not even bring it up until you have been dating regularly for at least 4-6 months... by regularly, i mean at least once a week the thing is you have to become a STEADY dating partner before you can even EXPECT to be given that kind of privilege. ie being her boyfriend... OK, so there are a few pieces of information I'm trying to tie together but can't. I'll try to make this really simple. Fact #1 (from above): There's this period (say 4-6 months) people call "dating", and then a period after that where you're called "girlfriend"/"boyfriend". Fact #2 (from my own experience): Every now and then two of my friends will start (quite suddenly) acting differently, for example: - they hug and/or kiss each other when they say hello/goodbye - they hold hands - it's "assumed" that they sit next to each other if a group of us is going to dinner/to a movie/etc. So my question is, does that change in behaviour happen when they begin the "dating" period, or when they move from the "dating" period to the "girlfriend"/"boyfriend" period? I'm guessing (from reading elsewhere on LS) that one answer might be that this change in behaviour actually happens gradually, during the "dating" period. If that's the case, then I'm seriously lost, because I swear it always seems to happen basically overnight! Another answer might be (I suspect this might be it actually) that the change in behaviour which I notice is the switch from "dating" to "girlfriend"/"boyfriend". If that's the case, then I'm pretty lost too, because I have no idea what the "dating" stage is then. I know I'm simplifying things hugely here but I'm just trying to get even the most basic idea of how these things tend to work out so that I can make a bit more sense of what I read on LS (because most of what I read doesn't seem to fit with what I see around me). No matter how clueless I seem, I promise, I'm completely serious about this! Thanks for any comments!
Author chris58 Posted June 30, 2005 Author Posted June 30, 2005 Umm, anyone? I'm hoping someone can help me at least a bit. If you've ever even *used* the terms "dating", "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" in a sentence of your own surely you must be able to shed a bit of light on those last questions of mine ... please ... Thanks in advance.
seranade_u_silly Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Romantic relationships move in phases. Phase 1 - the 'noticing' phase Phase 2 - the 'obligatory smalltalk' phase Phase 3A (optional) - you ask for her number and call her later to ask for a date Phase 3B - you ask her for a date Phase 4 - the 'dating' phase. this is the decisive phase, you are so close yet so far. it is in this phase where you will determine whether or not you like the girl enough to have a relationship and where she will determine the same thing about you. The whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing only kicks in once both partners are completely comfortable with each other's company. Only once both of you feel that you know how to bring each other's strengths out and are able to compensate for each other's inconcistencies, are you truly ready to have a relationship and a partner. There is no question. It just clicks and you both wake up and realise it when you find that you can't stop holding each other, calling each other and staring into each other's eyes blah blah blah. My ex for example, would only stand within 3 feet of me when we were alone. If her family and friends were around she would wouldn't even touch me (I mean touch like if I tapped her on the shoulder in front of her mom she'd freak out.) I never expected her to kiss me in front of her dad but surely she could hold my hand or something, right?? Witnessing this, I realised that she hadn't committed to our relationship and that 'Girlfriend' was just a title for her. It was partially my fault, I was so eager to not be single anymore that I rushed things without getting to know the girl properly. I had a theory or maybe an epiphany that successful relationships are based more upon what you and your partner did together before you were 'officially together' then it does afterward. In other words, make your dating phase a memorable time for you and your potential partner - make it count. You may want to build up a friendship with your target and prolong the way to your objective. If she says something like "I value our friendship too much blah blah blah" move on. Anyway its more likely that she may start dropping clues and soon you and your target will be flirting and hinting all the way to bed. Getting to know a girl is vital. There are some really beautiful girls out there and they may look the perfect girlfriend while they're an utter nightmare to maintain and to keep happy. I don't care how pretty - YOU MUST FIRST BE FRIENDS BEFORE YOU MAKE A PROPOSITION. Being pretty is a nice way for girls to get guys to start to act all doormat like in order to make life easy. If you act like this and they start to abuse the fact that you act like thise, then you will never be the object of their desire so get to know the girl inside and out and don't be her b*tch when she expects you to be ("can you carry my books? i'm speaking on the phone. you're so sweet. luv u buh bye." for example). They're not playing "hard to get." They're playing "you're too easy to get so i'll keep you around to carry my ****." If you go about your business this way, you'll have more friends that are girls then you ever thought was possible. One of them will definately end up being you girlfriend.
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