sunshine2 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 I've been dating my BF for 10 months now. Our relationship has always been mellow. There is no extreme passion nor is there arguments for the most part. We get along really well and he makes me laugh a lot, which is good. He had a really bad divorce 5 years ago and has dealt with a lot of hurt through that, beside losing his family, he talks about how he believed marriage was forever and to lose that is a bad thing. Divorce is bad, and it hurts families. I understand that, I miss my family too and have been divorced for almost 5 years now, but when a marriage is as bad as his was, it was a blessing that it ended. He doesn't see it that way. I think he would of stayed forever even if it meant no love, cheating and bad fights. He has a 12 yo daughter who is very spoiled by him. She sometimes doesn't want to see him on his days with her, and that hurts him terribly and he goes into a spin, which I always listen to and help him calm down. He goes over the top to do things for his daughter because he wants her to be happy and see him when she is supposed to. He has taken his X back to court about these custody issues and it seems things are back to normal with visitation, but things change constantly. He knows he spoils her and admits to it to me. I just support him and never tell him what to do or how I feel about it unless he asks me for advice. I have 2 kids at home, one is 18 and going to college my youngest is 16 - they go see dad every other week and we have never had a issue with visitation thank goodness! The 18 yo can do what he wants, but still goes back and forth. I would like to get remarried some day, I am in my mid 50's and feel like I would like to have someone in my life that is a companion, lover and friend. I am not sure he ever will remarry, as marriage is forever to him and he already lost out with his first wife. But I really don't know for sure as we don't talk about emotions or feelings or our future. He is pretty closed emotionally and I am starting to get a bit frustrated with it all. I think I have been upset 2 times total with him about something and I noticed that if he thinks Im upset, he shuts down. He is not a very affectionate person, but is happy most of the time unless he is dealing with visitation issues or his employee. He treats me good - I just had surgery and he took me to the hospital, made sure I was okay and helped me get groceries for a month after, set up my home for the recovery, etc. He is a gentleman, always opens doors for me etc. I feel he shows his affection by doing things for me and his love language is Acts of service, my love language is time spent. I have talked to him about the lack of affection, he gets better for awhile, but then goes back to his ways. I think he is just that way, but for awhile I thought it was me. He told me once that in therapy his X complained about him not hugging her and not being affectionate, and I see why she did now. BUT, he hugs his daughter all the time and tells her he loves her constantly. SO, I know he is capable of it. He is set in his ways, likes his alone time and even though I do spend the night at his home most weekends, one night seems to be his limit most times. NYE I was with him, we made a really nice dinner, and had a really nice night together. The next day, we spent it together and it was nice but that night around 9:30PM he asked me if I was ready to pack up to go home. (he is driving me since I cannot drive cause of surgery) I was like really? UGGH I was pretty upset and talk to him about it, but he felt he wasn't being rude and I was upset over nothing. Now I feel like I don't want to spend more then one night with him, and will be sure to leave asap the next day. Just really hurt me. I could see if I was with him 24/7 but we don't spend that much time together. We do talk everyday, but its not the same as being with him. Last weekend I didn't see him at all as he had his daughter for the weekend and had made plans with her. And yes, I have met her and have spent time with her. We get along fine, but she is pre-teen and pretty much keeps to herself. This is the first weekend in months that I haven't spent time with him. I have to admit it bothered me, but I didn't say anything as its the first time in a long time that we didn't spend together. So Im conflicted. I am thinking about what I want and what our relationship is. I am not happy with the time spent together, weekends only, and the lack of affection and intimate conversation. But I also know that he is a good guy, and treats me well in all other areas. I think he is happy with the way it is and is just looking for a friend, confidant. He does call me his girlfriend and I have met his whole family, including his X, and he has met my kids and X husband too. So should I just take this relationship as casual - we are just having fun and not putting any real pressure on it for the future and start dating other men or should I end it and move on? I hate this feeling. Some days I can handle it and just take it for what it is, casual and just for now, and other days, Im just really unhappy because I may just be wasting my time with him. I guess if I was still in my 30's I wouldn't be worried about this at all. I think I feel like time is short now and I want to eventually get married again before I die.
CarrieT Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 I am not happy with the time spent together, weekends only, and the lack of affection and intimate conversation. This is the bottom line. You are not getting what you want or need from this guy. You probably never will and because of your age (my age as well, actually), you are settling. I say don't. There are enough guys our age who WILL be able to fulfill your desires, but you have to keep looking.
Author sunshine2 Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 (edited) This is the bottom line. You are not getting what you want or need from this guy. You probably never will and because of your age (my age as well, actually), you are settling. I say don't. There are enough guys our age who WILL be able to fulfill your desires, but you have to keep looking. You live close to me! You are probably right. I just wish he would turn to me and say, I love you or anything to make me feel I mean something to him. I don't feel like there are that many men our age looking for a real commitment, it seems they are reliving there youth and looking and dating women who are younger or will just be a FWB or FB. You think they would want to find a good women. Edited January 12, 2016 by sunshine2
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