Am I braindead? Probably, but thanks for reading.

[Lydora]

Hello, just signed up and never posted on a site like this before.

 

I am exceptionally confused at the moment even though, in all probability, if anyone reads this they will opine that there is little to be confused about.

 

I'll try my best to give some relevant context. Me and my now (lamentably) ex met online around 3 and a half years ago and our relationship has been maintained at long distance throughout. Although we have met several times we have not been constantly together for any extended period of time (longer than around 2 weeks). We are both inexperienced in terms of relationships and both have personal issues centered around predispositions towards depressive mind-states, various anxieties and insecurities or similar (I realise this is likely true of many people to varying degrees, but more so in our case).

 

At the time we started becoming friends and talking endlessly, neither of us had really considered the possibility of entering into a homosexual relationship (we are both guys) so naturally this initial period was one of self-discovery. We were, as I'm sure so many couples are, intoxicated with each other initially and spent as much time as possible in each other's company (though only online).

 

As I mentioned previously, we have met only a handful of times throughout the length of our relationship. It has been made more difficult by the fact that I am studying (and have been living) a good 5-6 hours away from where he lives for the vast majority of the time. To that end, we have not actually seen each other in a little under a year for a combination of factors. Though I would have to attribute a large portion of that to me having been wrapped up in my own insecurities and struggling mightily with an extended melancholic period.

 

Over that time our schedules became less and less aligned as he started sleeping all day and only waking up a few hours before I needed to go to bed so I was able to attend university and this eventually led to him spending more and more time on Facebook and our interactions becoming less and less "meaningful". It became clear about a month ago that he had been seeking refuge in other people and confiding in them about our relationship, to exactly what end I can't be sure because he never fully explained this (preferring to use vague terminology like "i have opened my heart and mind to others" when professing guilt about it). At the time, he tried to encourage me to discuss the future with him, to make arrangements to come and see him. Foolishly I didn't listen to exactly what he was telling me and seemed blinded to this willful invitation to re-connect with him, I felt hurt, victimised and certain that this was all a precursor to telling me had found someone else (as there was one person in particular who seemed to be cropping up as a point of interest for him).

 

I buried my head in the sand and to an extent, so did he. We continued under the same pretense as always for about a month until he eventually stopped contacting me for around 5 days (Christmas/New Year's time). Rather than contact him to ask what was wrong I lashed out and sent him some self-pitying tripe about how he "clearly wasn't interested in talking to me" and that i'd spare him the trouble from now on. Since then we had a somewhat tumultuous week in which he admitted to having feelings for this girl he was now in contact with on Facebook (who has a boyfriend, is from Slovakia and explicitly told me that she was not interested in pursuing a relationship with my ex, though whether that was the truth is impossible to say) and that he just felt there was little way forward for us now.

 

He asked me whether I could come and see him as just a friend and i explained that this would be extremely difficult for me as I still cling to the hope that he will give us another chance. That more or less brings us to where we are now, I have apologised for acting the way I did and I genuinely realise now that had I woken up and "smelt the coffee" a month ago, I would have at least had the opportunity to reconnect with him. I think initially when we broke up I probably came off as pretty needy and maybe the truth of the matter is that I am needy, I'm not sure.

 

Regardless, as it stands he seems to be blanking me despite telling me that he "doesn't want to lose me" (yes, that old chestnut ) and that I should contact him whenever I want, he'll always be there for me and a plethora of similar platitudes.

 

 

I'd like to ask a couple of questions rather than just ask for comments (though i will be infinitely grateful for anyone that chooses/is willing to do that, too).

 

Do you think I'm deluding myself by clinging to the notion that this can work? I know there are those who might read this and think the very notion that we have even been in a relationship (given the circumstances) is somewhat preposterous. I will be finishing university soon and then will have a more realistic prospect of carving out a "proper" relationship with him (though the point may sadly be moot, by now).

 

How do you think I should proceed at this point? I have read much about no contact and honestly the posts I read about this being some sort of key to success seem ridiculous to me. I genuinely love this person and have no interest in playing games, that said I don't want to push them even further away from me. I'm not so naive as to think I can change someones behaviour and I know that ultimately it will be his decision and his alone, but I at least want to put my best foot forward.

 

Finally, Am I being flat out unfair? Maybe someone who has acted the way I have and has the problems I have is just being point-blank unfair by pursuing someone who has similar difficulties, I honestly am not sure. I don't feel that is true, I believe I can make this person happy (although clearly of late I have been doing a piss-poor job of that ) but again, perhaps I am kidding myself and am just prone to cognitive dissonance.

 

Any other comments or opinions are hugely welcomed. Also, if there's anything that's unclear or needs expanding on just say the word. It's extremely difficult to give you a microcosm of exactly what's happened and how I/they feel since it's an incomplete picture.

 

Warm thanks if any of you made it this far,

 

Lydora x

Edited January 12, 2016 by Lydora

[mrldii]

OP, I apologize upfront for being so frank and candid, but you appear to be welcoming that in your OP.

 

Personally, I'm not a big fan of LDRs and I think those people who prefer them - most often - have a fear of/inability to participate in a *real* committed relationship. You two seem to be an excellent example of this dynamic at play.

 

YOU like being in this LDR, as (by your own admission) you are preoccupied with your studies.

 

HE likes being in this LDR, as (reading between the lines of what you've written) he is unable to sustain a real-world, real-time, face-to-face relationship...as is evidenced by his interest in an unavailable girl on FB, which has replaced his previous interest in you, a woman 6 hours away and preoccupied with her studies.

 

 

Is there hope for the two of you? Together? Sure...as long as 'being-in-a-relationship-without-really-being-in-a-relationship' works for the both of you.

 

 

From what I read, it appears that once your studies are over, you may find that this - or any - LDR no longer works for you. He, on the other hand, may prefer LDRs for the rest of his life. Ironically, this fact is what would make me respond in the negative to your query, "Can this work?" Nahhhh...once you are more geographically and mindfully more available, he'll most likely no longer be interested.

 

My advice? Continue to *enjoy* this 'relationship' [for now] if it's providing you what you need at this time, but do not delude yourself into believing that this is The Real Deal in the long-run...unless, of course, your ideal relationship 'til the end of time IS to be 5-6 hours away from your significant other.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[Lydora]

Thanks for responding, perhaps you're right and I definitely do appreciate candid replies. There's little point in beating around the bush

 

FWIW i won't be continuing to enjoy the relationship since as it stands we've broken up and are not in contact, perhaps I didn't make that clear enough from my post.

[mrldii]

...FWIW i won't be continuing to enjoy the relationship since as it stands we've broken up and are not in contact, perhaps I didn't make that clear enough from my post.

 

Oh, hon...go back and read your three ending questions in your opening post, again...

 

You are far from being "broken up"; every single one of your questions is wondering about the continuation of this relationship...from 'can it work' to 'am I being unfair' to 'is there something besides NC that will get him to change his behavior'.

 

You are faaaaar from being done with him. Jus' sayin'.

[Lydora]

You're right of course. What I mean to say that as it stands (from his perspective at least) it is over. Also, as an aside (not that it particularly matters) I am not a woman. I did state that in OP!

Edited January 12, 2016 by Lydora