Can you regain attraction to someone if they change personality?

[spriggan2]

I think Im grasping at straws here, but my GF broke up with me because she lost attraction to my personality.

 

Apparently I'm a good looking dude, people say that a lot. I'm also tall and fit. However I have severe social anxiety, and definitely realize that I have a lot of growing up to do. I'm a good person and relatively smart with a successful and welcoming family, but I just personally dont have my sh*t together in my late 20's.

 

When we first started dating my GF was super attracted to me, largely from a physical basis. Also I can be pretty witty via text, and I'm quite thoughtful.

 

However, as time passed my social anxiety prevented me from taking the lead in the relationship, prevented me from opening up and expressing myself totally. I was not assertive at all. My lack of professional development compared to my GF made her almost take on the role of mentor, and on top of that, she was my first GF and I was so crazy about her that I let her walk all over me. So ultimately she went cold on me and we broke up.

 

My question is this. I'm in therapy now...I'm on the verge of getting my first full time corporate job. I'm seriously trying to grow up and make friends and be social and learn how to be assertive. I plan on dating other people to get more experience with relationships. So from experience, would her attraction to me change after a long period of separation, if she comes back and finds im a different person? Or does that low impression just stick, and no matter how much I grow, it won't affect how she feels?

[preraph]

You know, I have a friend with a husband a lot like you. And it has just eroded the marriage constantly. He won't fix it, though to keep her from leaving, he has at least tried to pretend to take part in things more lately.

 

I'm very glad to hear you're trying to work on it. People with social anxiety are normally some of the very last people who will go seek therapy, so I know you are really trying. It's not going to happen overnight.

 

You have a lot of insight. You do realize how her having to take the lead has changed your roles. If she's had to coddle and mother you, that's the least sexy thing there is. People don't want to have sex with someone they're having to parent. And yes, most women have certain expectations that the man will be able to step up when necessary without fear or hesitation. And like with my friend, she is just really social and likes a lot of companion-type interaction, maybe more than most, so he is just not fulfilling that at all for her most of the time. Once it gets to the point she's not getting what she wants out of having a man, the interest is gone.

 

I can't tell you if she can ever be retrieved, but I can tell you your changes to rid yourself of this handicap are going to take time and therapy. You can't expect her to come back just because you've been doing it awhile. You may learn why you are the way you are and STILL not be comfortable stepping up when it's called for. Because it can take years of trying to think in a different way and act in a different way for this to become natural to you.

 

I applaud you for seeking help. I think you need to stop fretting about her for the next couple of years at least and just concentrate on working on yourself. If she chooses to pass by occasionally and check on you, great. That may or may not be the right thing for her. She may need a clean break. So let her know you're in therapy but that you know these things take time. Tell her if she needs to be no contact, you understand, but she's welcome to keep in touch if she wants to. I wish you a speedy recovery. There are some types of fears that can be set aside pretty quickly, but others may be harder to address.

 

Truth is if you get yourself together, this might not even still be the right woman for you anymore. Best of luck. Stick with it. And remember. 80 percent of people prescribed psychiatric meds don't take it as they should. Don't be in that 80 percent if you want to really succeed here. It's always fine to call the psychiatrist about every side effect or if it's making no difference, but it's never okay to NOT do that. There are thousands of possible combinations of drugs and therapy that could help you and usually you do have to try a few before you find the one that does. This may involve more behavioral therapy, but my guess, it will be a combination of anxiety meds and behavioral therapy. It may be an exciting process for you.

[carhill]

It varies but, generally, once attraction goes, especially at the altar of respect, kiss it buh bye. The variance exists in your universal attractiveness and social power with, generally, the more of both you wield, the more likely a new and different attraction may spring or you'll easily be able to replace the person, which also ties into a re-springing of attraction. Hence, work on yourself and get through whatever psych issues you're facing and put your best foot forward as the new you and whatever happens, happens.

[BC1980]

I think it would be extremely difficult to regain attraction once it is lost. She formed her opinion of you, over time, during the relationship, and that opinion is a difficult thing to change. Likely, her opinion came on gradually. Even if you change, the two biggest problems you will face are: 1. you are no longer around her enough for her to see the change. 2. Since she has detached from you, she no longer cares if you change.

 

I'm sorry, but there it is. I think the best thing to do would be to chalk this up to a learning experience and move on to better things. That's all any of us can do. It's not beneficial to play the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" game.

[spriggan2]

Thanks for the replies. To start with i think she definitely cares if I change. She thinks I'm this potentially great person who's holding myself back and she said she was afraid of leaving me, because if I do grow up and turn into some suave bachelor, she'll have missed the boat. (I find that amusing.)

 

She's serious about settling down in a few years and she loves my family (they are pretty awesome, I'm the black sheep). She told me later on that when we first started dating I was the person she thought she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, and she has dated quite a bit.

 

I know I should just let it go though. I think this is my ego having difficulty coping with rejection. I hope that feeling fades in time.

[todreaminblue]

i feel anything is possible....i do feel however though that you should just concentrate on you for now sounds like you are changing and growing...and thats all good......

 

but to truly change you might have to let go of the desire you have to reinvent the relationship you had before to make way for a relationship that would be good for you and for whoever you are with with the person you are growing into..maybe it might be with her ...maybe it wont be...i think assertiveness would be needed for her to consider giving it another go..that would have to be proven over time....and depends really on if she believes people can change.........i wish you well...deb

[BC1980]

Thanks for the replies. To start with i think she definitely cares if I change. She thinks I'm this potentially great person who's holding myself back and she said she was afraid of leaving me, because if I do grow up and turn into some suave bachelor, she'll have missed the boat. (I find that amusing.)

 

She's serious about settling down in a few years and she loves my family (they are pretty awesome, I'm the black sheep). She told me later on that when we first started dating I was the person she thought she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, and she has dated quite a bit.

 

I know I should just let it go though. I think this is my ego having difficulty coping with rejection. I hope that feeling fades in time.

 

She probably cares about you from a distance. I doubt she cares about your capacity to change as a potential partner. That's something a lot of people don't get after a breakup. Myself included. The dumper has checked out of caring if you change for them or the sake of the relationship. Your case strikes me as expecially difficult because a huge turnoff is feeling that you have to mentor or carry your BF. You have the capacity to change that dynamic but probably not with her.

[Maggie4]

It will change how YOU feel. When you change enough for the other person to be interested in you again, the new you won't retain the same interest you have in her now. It happens all the time.