john_ohio Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Hi! For about 2 years I’m in “off and on” relationship. It started with me flirting with her on facebook and soon enough she fell deeply in love with me. It was mainly via facebook becouse we live in different cities. Anyway, that time I wasn’t ready to commit, becouse I was still very hurt after my breakup. But we were in contact, and I enjoyed very much all the attention and “love” she was giving me, so after some time I fell in love with her too… But soon after it became mutual, she started pulling back. So since 1,5 year we are in “off and on” relationship. It goes like this: I give her a lot of affection and love, but when she senses that I’m getting to close emotionally, she withdraws. That’s when I’m in greatest pain, so I try to distance emotionally from her just to get her off my mind. But when she realizes that she’s losing me, she starts to send me all these affectionate signals, telling me how much she misses me, etc.. Then we reconnect for a brief period o time on a very high emotional level, have passionate sex and then she emotionally withdraws herself again… This cycle is wreaking havoc with me. It’s even hard for someone from outside to comprehend how deep feelings of loneliness and emptiness, this person evokes in me while she gives me her silent treatment. I don’t know how to break free… The longest period of absolute no-contact with her was for about 4 months. I did EVERYTHING all these self-help books recommended: I assigned myself on workshops from painting, I tried indoor climbing for the first time in my life, I was going to gym, doing roller-skating, I was going out with my friends, eating healthy, having a lot of sleep and I was not drinking… But each day was felt like a death. Despite all these efforts I suffered a very ,very deep depression.. 4 months and even slightest mark of getting better. Eventually I gave up and contacted her again.. It was about 8 month ago and since that time we have gone through our “cycles” for about 3-4 times. It was about one month ago she broke up with me again.. I don’t know what to do. Seriously. Time doesn’t seem to be a healer in my case. Neither healthy activities, nor socializing or taking up new hobbies. Hell… I even tried psychotherapy… This time I have no motivation doing ANY of these things I tried during my 4-months of no contact period. I already know it ain’t gonna help me any way… I fear facing another long period of depression, which sometimes is paralyzing and totally overwhelming. A bit ashamed to admit, but this time I turned to drinking. I already feel I’m losing it. Almost everyday I come back after work I drink until the image of her face in my mind is pleasantly blurred and distanced. I feel that all tension accumulated in my mody wanes. It’s the only state I can fall asleep. I even stopped talking about my problems with my friends, becouse I feel they have already enough of my never-ending story with that girl. It's slowly killing me
Downtown Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 For about 2 years I’m in “off and on” relationship.... This cycle is wreaking havoc with me.John, welcome to LoveShack. The push/pull cycle you describe may indicate that your GF is a manipulative woman who has just been using you when it's convenient to do so -- and ignoring you when it is not. Another possibility, however, is that she is sincere but emotionally unstable. If that is the case, the instability likely arises from her having two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Significantly, those two fears lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situations -- no matter what you do -- because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you necessarily will be drawing closer to triggering the other fear. For example, when you have a very intimate evening or great weekend together, you would find her -- the next morning -- creating an argument out of thin air to push you away. For her, the intimacy is experienced as suffocating and engulfing, making her feel as though she is losing her identity by merging into your strong personality. It is a frightening experience in which she feels she is vanishing into thin air. She therefore will feel that you are somehow "controlling" and dominating her (never mind that she is the controlling one). On the other hand, as you back way to give her breathing room, you will eventually trigger her great fear of abandonment. It may take days or weeks for that to occur but it likely will occur. At that point, she will return behaving extra caring and sweet to pull you back into the relationship. Yet, if your GF really does exhibit this type of emotional instability, you should be seeing many more warning signs than the push/pull cycle you describe. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for emotional instability may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her -- and may help you decide whether to spend money seeking a professional opinion. Take care, John. 1
bluefeather Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 2 years too long is what it sounds like... welcome to the forum. It is my opinion that this person might have a mental issue, but it is also my opinion that you might have one of your own. This person seems to subject you to a roller-coaster of extreme highs and lows, but it is you who have allowed yourself to be taken through it. I believe that time does heal, but that you have not taken enough of it yet. It sounds as though this person loves only when certain conditions are met, and that is not true love, in my opinion. There are people with the ability to love without condition. If you wish to have that kind of love, treat yourself with the same kind of care that you would to others. Start by loving yourself so much that you would not allow yourself to be put through the abuse of others. That means letting this person go, as you most likely do not possess the ability to change the way that she acts... When you go back and take more abuse, you show the person that their actions are acceptable, and thus they will continue. Love and protect yourself by saying no to this. You would most likely be doing her a service as well, by no longer enabling her to be a hurtful person towards you. And stop feeding alcohol to your body. It is no good for you, especially in this condition. That is my advice. Good luck to you.
Author john_ohio Posted January 13, 2016 Author Posted January 13, 2016 Downtown, bluefather, thank you for your replies! I think Downtown you're right about this one - she has two different fears, which lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum - fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy/commitment I already have experience with manipulative girls and she's definately not the one. In fact she has some deep rooted issues, which she doesn't want to talk about (she quickly becomes silent, when our conversation becomes deeper) She has her periods of depression and as I notice she rather has quite a low self-esteem. It hurts me, becouse I feel that she's genuine in her feelings for me, but her fear of commitment is pulling her back. And you're right bluefather, too... I have my emotional issues as well. In fact on emotional level I feel very , very similar to her (maybe that's why I feel so attracted to her?). I've grown up in a house, where both my parents were very unavailable emotionally and most of my childhood I felt very lonely. I'm frequently depressed (and I was depressed before I met her) Gosh.. I'm not suprised I feel so connected with her!
DrMario Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 This thread resonates with me a great deal and helps to no end in finding some understanding, thanks.
smudge21 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 I truly hope you find a way out of this situation as I can't see anything healthy for either of you. It's clear she has issues but if she won't deal with them, then they shouldn't become your issues. I know how hard it is to walk away from someone we truly want to be with, but you clearly know this isn't right. Love shouldn't hurt this much, if at all. As for how you move on, well hang around here. I tried a lot to move on many years ago and it was only when I found this place and started opening up to strangers that I found the strength to do so. Maybe it's what you need to. I also found offering advice to others helped me too, and for what it's worth, I'm seeing my current situation heading the way yours is and hearing what you're going through has cleared my head a bit, so thanks for sharing that. It's really hard to feel for someone that can be so hot and cold as when they're with you everything can feel so perfect, but when they're distant, it hurts so much. All the best.
bluefeather Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Have you actually met in person? Then we reconnect for a brief period o time on a very high emotional level, have passionate sex and then she emotionally withdraws herself again… Read the thread, yo.
stillafool Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 OP, why do you put up with her instead of finding another girl?
VeveCakes Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Read the thread, yo. Could be cybersex. Lol thanks 1
Author john_ohio Posted January 14, 2016 Author Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) Have you actually met in person? Sure we do. During our "highs" we were seeing each other every two weeks or so.. OP, why do you put up with her instead of finding another girl? It's not that easy, my friend In fact it is very hard to walk away from something that feels so intense, pure and exciting. Especially when it lures you back all over again... @Smudge21 Thank you for your kind words. I also find it very empowering, when I see that other people go through similar experiences. It make me feel connected... to someone. Edited January 14, 2016 by john_ohio
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