d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 We're doing it because we want to spend our lives together, we already spend every night together and he basically lives with me already.. just his things aren't there. So basically we are both paying extremely high rent for two apartments that are 5 mins apart, when we really only use one of them. We live in one of the least affordable cities in north america so I won't pretend that the financial situation wasn't an encouraging factor haha. But we've talked about where we want to eventually live, eventual marriage and babies, travel plans, career goals.. all of our future and current plans are in line. At this point your reasons are more economic then anything. So I'm going to recommend you wait. When economics tops the reasons to live together, the love & wanting forever get pushed off 'til later & don't happen. If you would accept right now with no hesitation were he to propose, then live together to make sure you are compatible. But when it's more logic then love, I think it won't work long term. If you don't believe in marriage that is another ballgame but since that is not what I'm reading. Tread carefully. DH moved in with me 3 months before our wedding because his lease was up & it was stupid for him to get an apartment for 90 days. But it was still a cold realization to wake up & realize we were married. Just the idea that we could no longer just break up but would have to get lawyers & get a divorce was sobering. Having gotten through that initial shock -- & it wasn't a bad thing, it was just the reality -- everything is fine but my experience flew in the face of everybody who ever told me marriage was "just a piece of paper" or "living together prepares you for being married", no it doesn't. It did ease the transition in that when we got home from the HM we were both home & we weren't trying to move him in the last days before the wedding but it was a very different reality. 1
Author kismetkismet Posted January 13, 2016 Author Posted January 13, 2016 It's not just logic, it's love and wanting to spend the rest of our lives together.. As it says right there in the comment that you quoted.. If we break up because we are not compatible enough to live together (which I definitely do not think is the case seeing as we already more or less do live together) then I'd rather KNOW that rather than date for acouple of years and then try to move in and realize it then. I would never marry someone i hadn't lived with for a while first either.. Can i just remind people that i didn't ask whether or not we should move in, but tips for smoothing out the process? 1
jen1447 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Fair enough and to each their own! However I've found that holding back out of fear of pain or discomfort in my life has never really helped me in the long run. Only prevented me from experiencing things, or experiencing them as deeply and intensely as one could. Can't argue that.
Els Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 We make around the same amount of money (I make slightly more) so bills will be split down the middle. I’m not really sure how people sort that out with groceries and other house hold things though? Honestly, I think that most people have to give and take in both aspects - it's extremely unlikely that you would be able to work out a 50.000000000% split of bills, incidentals, and housework. In fact, IMO being able to give and take is one of the most important things in an established R - people who are very calculative (in general, not saying that you are that way) are extremely tedious to live with and practically impossible to have a LTR with. Some months you might buy more groceries than he does, and some months he might have more time on hand so he does more of the cleaning, etc. Perhaps you could do the dishes after he cooks. Lots of things can be worked out with communication and compromise. I also agree with the suggestions to have 'date night' sometimes, and to give each other some personal space. All the best, OP! 2
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Can i just remind people that i didn't ask whether or not we should move in, but tips for smoothing out the process? The process goes more smoothly when you move in for the right reasons. If the goal is to see if you are ready for more, taking this step too early can hurt that analysis. I understand you are in love but your relationship is not that long / old yet. I understand you are talking about the future & forever, but the sense I got from your posts is that economics is a key factor. I could be reading it wrong & you simply emphasized those points because you live in a HCOL area but the best way to smooth this process is to be on the same page. Seriously, if rents weren't so high would you be considering this move at this stage?
smackie9 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Moving in together can kill a relationship real fast if you don't have your head on straight. 1
Blanco Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Re: splitting bills and household responsibilities. I don't think it's unrealistic to expect an even division of the mainstay bills such as rent, cable, utilities, and the like. But I agree with the poster who said that living with someone who expects a genuine 50-50 split on everything is a tedious experience. The woman I lived with was like this. It was assumed the costs would be split 50-50, which I had no problem with. It became evident early on, though, that she had a mental ledger of who was doing what around the home and when and would, if necessary, use it to her advantage if needed. She wouldn't make note of it in the moment, but if there was a disagreement or argument about something, she would find a way to use it against me. There will be times in a relationship where one person is simply not able to meet the 50-50 standard. Maybe it's a hectic time at work or perhaps they've been sick for a few days. Whatever the case, there will be times when one person needs to shoulder the load of the household chores. That shouldn't be used as leverage against the other person later on. Not saying you'd do that, OP, but I was in such a relationship and know others who have been, too. It's such a no-win experience that keeps you from ever feeling too at ease in your own home.
WhirlwindGuy Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Nothing wrong with a joint account IMO, as long as it's not your only bank account. Personally I'd do it like this: - Each have an individual account which receives your salary and you pay your individual expenses out of - Each pay a pre-arranged amount into the joint back account every month (eg. if you both earn the same, both transfer $300; if one earns more than one transfers $350, the other $250, whatever) - From this joint account pay bills, groceries, household expenses etc - If the joint account has too much money in it, both skip a month paying in. If it has too little, re-evaluate how much you pay in each month. - Remember having a joint account will give you a financial link which may affect your credit rating. This is exactly what I did when I was married and it worked great. Although I am divorced now, this was one of the few things we did right in the marriage.
Els Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) Moving in together can kill a relationship real fast if you don't have your head on straight. The OP says 'less than a year' - it's unclear whether she means 10 months or 2. Obviously in the latter case it isn't a good idea at all, but moving in together at 10 months isn't terrible IMO. Anyway, I don't think the main risk is to her relationship, but rather to herself. Honestly, if a R crashes and burns just because they moved in together, chances are they weren't compatible for a LTR anyway and it's a good thing they found this out now rather than several years down the road. The only real risk, as far as I can see, is that she would find it more difficult to extricate herself in the event of a breakup. But as long as she has a backup plan, they aren't on a long-term lease, and she keeps her own finances, I think she'll be mostly fine. If she's in the US, there isn't even a risk of being on the hook for a common law R, and in countries where that is the case, she'd have 2-3 years to decide whether or not she wants to stay anyway. Also.... I get that some people just don't believe in cohabitation before/without marriage, but it's pretty clear that the OP DOES and was asking for suggestions on how to move in smoothly, not for opinions on whether or not she should move in. I think we should respect her beliefs in that regard. Edited January 14, 2016 by Elswyth
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