Tips for moving in together?

January 12, 2016

I’m moving in with my boyfriend in March and I haven’t lived with anyone for almost 5 years (not even a roommate) so I’m just looking for some tips based on your experience. Any and all advice is welcome!

A little about us specifically:

We're 28 and 29 and we already spend every night together and eat together almost every night – unless we have some kind of separate social situation with our friends. He’s moving in to my apartment and fortunately doesn’t have a lot of stuff. However I have a lot of stuff... one of the things I need to do before we move in is clear out things that I don’t need.

Probably my biggest concern is that we have somewhat different levels of cleanliness. I’m not MESSY per se, but my apartment tends toward organized chaos whereas he is something of a neat freak. We are both understanding and accommodating of each other though and have talked about this already. He likes my vintagey decorating style as well.

We make around the same amount of money (I make slightly more) so bills will be split down the middle. I’m not really sure how people sort that out with groceries and other house hold things though? He does most (almost all) of the cooking as well because he’s a trained chef and I’m utterly hopeless in the kitchen. I try to make up for that in other ways, like giving him back rubs a lot, doing the shopping sometimes and that sort of thing...

thanks in advance

January 12, 2016

1. Talk about your expectations in advance.

2. Hire a house keeper because you have different levels of cleanliness. The costs of this even once per month will prevent soooo many fights. Talk about division of labor otherwise. N.B. DH is not allowed to do my laundry because he ruined too many things. He does do towels & linens because they can tolerate his rough handling.

3. Discuss how bills will be paid / split in advance. My EX & I use to have a running tally. We'd just pay the bill in full & then figure out who owed who what at the end of the month. Sometimes we'd forget & go two months. But if he paid the electric & the phone bills for $300 & I bought groceries for $100, I'd owe him $100.

4. Do not make joint purchases on big items like furniture & do have a joint bank account. Keep the money separate.

January 12, 2016

4. Do not make joint purchases on big items like furniture & do have a joint bank account. Keep the money separate.

That should read do NOT have a joint bank account.

January 12, 2016

1. Talk about your expectations in advance.

2. Hire a house keeper because you have different levels of cleanliness. The costs of this even once per month will prevent soooo many fights. Talk about division of labor otherwise. N.B. DH is not allowed to do my laundry because he ruined too many things. He does do towels & linens because they can tolerate his rough handling.

3. Discuss how bills will be paid / split in advance. My EX & I use to have a running tally. We'd just pay the bill in full & then figure out who owed who what at the end of the month. Sometimes we'd forget & go two months. But if he paid the electric & the phone bills for $300 & I bought groceries for $100, I'd owe him $100.

4. Do not make joint purchases on big items like furniture & do have a joint bank account. Keep the money separate.

This is fantastic advice. If you're going to cohabitate, this is the way to go. Although I think d0nnivain meant do not have a joint bank account. I would definitely agree with keeping your incomes and assets separate.

January 12, 2016

That should read do NOT have a joint bank account.

I'm curious as to why? Is this considered best for marriage as well?

January 12, 2016

Nothing wrong with a joint account IMO, as long as it's not your only bank account. Personally I'd do it like this:

- Each have an individual account which receives your salary and you pay your individual expenses out of

- Each pay a pre-arranged amount into the joint back account every month (eg. if you both earn the same, both transfer $300; if one earns more than one transfers $350, the other $250, whatever)

- From this joint account pay bills, groceries, household expenses etc

- If the joint account has too much money in it, both skip a month paying in. If it has too little, re-evaluate how much you pay in each month.

- Remember having a joint account will give you a financial link which may affect your credit rating.

January 12, 2016

I'm curious as to why? Is this considered best for marriage as well?

It's not as big of problem in marriage if both are responsible and communicate. However there are married persons that are awful with money. Money fights between married people lead the top reasons for divorce.

If one is bad with money it's better they sink their own credit than take both down.

January 12, 2016

1. Talk about your expectations in advance.

2. Hire a house keeper because you have different levels of cleanliness. The costs of this even once per month will prevent soooo many fights. Talk about division of labor otherwise. N.B. DH is not allowed to do my laundry because he ruined too many things. He does do towels & linens because they can tolerate his rough handling.

3. Discuss how bills will be paid / split in advance. My EX & I use to have a running tally. We'd just pay the bill in full & then figure out who owed who what at the end of the month. Sometimes we'd forget & go two months. But if he paid the electric & the phone bills for $300 & I bought groceries for $100, I'd owe him $100.

4. Do not make joint purchases on big items like furniture & do have a joint bank account. Keep the money separate.

Fortunately we're both extremely good at discussing our expectations and how we feel about certain things. Unfortunately a cleaner is definitely out of our budget. We are planning on travelling in the fall and are already on a very tight budget. We will have to come up with some sort of compromise around the cleaning I guess.

Also agree about the financial independence from each other. Fortunately we don't need to make any major purchases as we both have things already from living on our own for a long time.

Nothing wrong with a joint account IMO, as long as it's not your only bank account. Personally I'd do it like this:

- Each have an individual account which receives your salary and you pay your individual expenses out of

- Each pay a pre-arranged amount into the joint back account every month (eg. if you both earn the same, both transfer $300; if one earns more than one transfers $350, the other $250, whatever)

- From this joint account pay bills, groceries, household expenses etc

I really like this idea! We definitely weren't planning on having a joint account. I don't think I would ever ONLY have a joint account, even after being married for many years. I like my financial independence and do not like traditional gender roles/ever plan on not working. However, this bill paying joint account sounds really smart. For things like groceries and household/cleaning things. Those things can definitely add up.

January 12, 2016

I lived with my last girlfriend for a year and a half. It was miserable. Lots of stuff going on unrelated to co-habitation, but we made a lot of mistakes, even though we had lived with partners previously.

1) Assume nothing. Better to be overly detailed rather than unpleasantly surprised later.

2) Clearly state your expectations. Will it be someone's job to cook and the other's to do the dishes? What about household chores? Staying on top of the finances? Nothing has to be set in stone, but save yourself a headache and have a good idea of what's expected of you and what's expected of your partner.

3) Accept that if you haven't seen them already, you'll be seeing a new, maybe less amazing side of your partner once you're living together. When you're shacking up, there's no place to go and hide some of those quirks we're able to mask early in the dating process. You may hate the way he loads the dishwasher. He may hate how you seem to always have clothes on the floor. Whatever it is, understand that there will be things about each other that you're not crazy about. What's important to keep in mind is that these are ultimately minor details that shouldn't detract from the wonderful people you probably are otherwise.

4) Don't cut off friends or family. A lot of people do this early in the relationship; spend all their free time with their new partner. Well, it gets harder when you live together. It's tempting to take the path of least resistance and just rely on each other for all your social needs, especially when it takes such little effort to make plans. Don't give into this temptation. You'll end up hating each other and you'll have let your other relationships atrophy in the meantime.

5) Don't give up your hobbies. I've got so many friends who told me how they lost their freedom to pursue their hobbies once they moved in or got married. If they were home with their partner, they were basically expected to be spending all of their time with them. This is a recipe for disaster. Your guy needs space to do his own thing, even if it's watch ESPN for an hour. Likewise, you need your space to engage in your own hobbies, too.

6) Communicate. This goes for any relationship, but even more so when neither of you have a place to run. The stakes are a lot higher, so it's doubly important to keep the lines of communication open and not let things fester, otherwise you two will be having a huge argument over toothpaste caps before you know it.

January 12, 2016

^^ Thank you that is really helpful all of that! I am actually a bit more independent than him generally, he would spend all of his time with me if he could, but I encourage him to see his friends and keep playing soccer with them. I have weekly things with just my friends and am adamant about keeping hobbies/activities. He knows that my running and climbing are top priorities for me.

I wonder if scheduling time apart more specifically would help though.. He usually doesn't make plans with his friends unless i've already made plans with mine.

January 12, 2016

^^ Thank you that is really helpful all of that! I am actually a bit more independent than him generally, he would spend all of his time with me if he could, but I encourage him to see his friends and keep playing soccer with them. I have weekly things with just my friends and am adamant about keeping hobbies/activities. He knows that my running and climbing are top priorities for me.

I wonder if scheduling time apart more specifically would help though.. He usually doesn't make plans with his friends unless i've already made plans with mine.

You're already ahead of a lot of other people. With few exceptions, all of my friends have been in at least one live-in relationship where they were expected to be doing something or even close by to their girlfriend if they were both home.

My ex and I usually wound up staying in together most of the time, in part because it was just easier than making plans with other people, but also because there were kids involved, meaning both of us couldn't usually go out with our respective friends at the same time.

I don't think scheduling some time apart is a bad thing. Even if it's just once every other week, you two will appreciate each other more if you get a chance to miss each other.

January 12, 2016

How long have you been together, and why did you decide to move in? I ask because - as others have said - it's important to understand each other's expectations.

I have lived with two boyfriends, and aside from the practical advice about logistics, I'll add this:

It's very easy to get complacent when living together, so it's important to still have "dates" and break the normal routine up a bit. Some couples get into a rut after moving in because you're around each other so much, so the initial thrill wears off. Sometimes people end up taking each other for granted,which I believe happened with both of my live-in exes. This is not abnormal but it's very important to still plan special activities and nights out together to keep the romantic connection alive.

Also, as someone else mentioned, maintaining your own hobbies and interests is critical. If you lean towards being more independent, as do I, it can get a bit irritating if you're always together. Even if your boyfriend is not so outgoing, you can and should still keep doing your thing too.

January 12, 2016

Make sure to give each other "alone time." If you are not at work or not socializing, it is not important that you guys be attached at the hip for everything. Still maintaining quiet, personal time is important.

Regarding the cleanliness thing, I dealt with that with my new husband. I was the organized, neat freak and he and his kids were clutterers. You should have an area where you keep whatever you want however you want, but agree that common areas - kitchens/living room - are kept clutter free, to dissuade arguments.

Also agree with Date Nights. My husband and I were together two years before marrying - two years ago - and still have Date Night. I am also not upset by evenings that he wants to just sit and read or tune out and he isn't upset when I go to our room to watch a movie by myself.

January 12, 2016

My suggestion is simple - don't do it. The best harmony's preserved by always having an out option. For big or small.

January 12, 2016

My suggestion is simple - don't do it. The best harmony's preserved by always having an out option. For big or small.

I wouldn't dream of marrying someone unless I lived with them first. Living together strips away any of the idyllic delusions you may have about the relationship and leaves you with the raw, unsexy reality that generally comes with sharing a living space with another person. If you can handle that, you can probably handle marriage!

I'd much rather find out I really don't work with someone by living together first than by getting married and then realizing that playing house isn't quite what either of us envisioned.

January 12, 2016

I wouldn't dream of marrying someone unless I lived with them first. Living together strips away any of the idyllic delusions you may have about the relationship and leaves you with the raw, unsexy reality that generally comes with sharing a living space with another person. If you can handle that, you can probably handle marriage!

I'd much rather find out I really don't work with someone by living together first than by getting married and then realizing that playing house isn't quite what either of us envisioned.

Or just don't get married.

January 12, 2016

My suggestion is simple - don't do it. The best harmony's preserved by always having an out option. For big or small.

There is still an out option if you live together, there is always an out option really - divorce and all haha. But we're very committed and have talked about marriage and kids and all that. I'm not ready to do that right now at all, but if things continue even close to as well as they have been then all of those things are in the plan.

January 12, 2016

I'm curious as to why? Is this considered best for marriage as well?

Actually that's a half yes for marriage. Marriage counselors today recommend having separate bank accounts BUT have one joint account for paying bills, rent, mortgage, and household expenses. Why? so you don't fight about money, and to keep some independence.

Been with my partner for 26 years and we don't share any accounts, and the bills are split 50/50. I handle all expenses because everything is in my name. He pays me a flat rate every month.

January 12, 2016

There is still an out option if you live together, there is always an out option really - divorce and all haha. But we're very committed and have talked about marriage and kids and all that. I'm not ready to do that right now at all, but if things continue even close to as well as they have been then all of those things are in the plan.

If you are planning a future, I recommend marriage counseling before stepping into that arena. Expectations and being on the same page is key, like if and when to have kids, how many, who stays home, does mom come to stay, how much money needs to be saved, etc. Prenup just in case things don't work out....it's not a selfish act, it's insurance that the separation goes smoothly without all the money going to the lawyers.

January 12, 2016

How long have you been together, and why did you decide to move in? I ask because - as others have said - it's important to understand each other's expectations.

I have lived with two boyfriends, and aside from the practical advice about logistics, I'll add this:

It's very easy to get complacent when living together, so it's important to still have "dates" and break the normal routine up a bit. Some couples get into a rut after moving in because you're around each other so much, so the initial thrill wears off. Sometimes people end up taking each other for granted,which I believe happened with both of my live-in exes. This is not abnormal but it's very important to still plan special activities and nights out together to keep the romantic connection alive.

Also, as someone else mentioned, maintaining your own hobbies and interests is critical. If you lean towards being more independent, as do I, it can get a bit irritating if you're always together. Even if your boyfriend is not so outgoing, you can and should still keep doing your thing too.

We've only been together for less than a year so I know it's a bit soon.. I'm normally not one to rush things at ALL, but this relationship is basically the easiest thing i've ever done in my life. I've talked with my therapist that i've had for a number of years and he thought it made sense and encouraged it - actually he's suggested that i no longer need therapy because i've been so happy and well rounded since i met him (has to do with other things as well, not just the relationship, but it has helped).

We're doing it because we want to spend our lives together, we already spend every night together and he basically lives with me already.. just his things aren't there. So basically we are both paying extremely high rent for two apartments that are 5 mins apart, when we really only use one of them. We live in one of the least affordable cities in north america so I won't pretend that the financial situation wasn't an encouraging factor haha.

But we've talked about where we want to eventually live, eventual marriage and babies, travel plans, career goals.. all of our future and current plans are in line.

This line of posts has definitely encouraged me to discuss expectations a bit further, which isn't difficult to do with him. We're going on a trip for my birthday this weekend so we'll have lots of time to chat!

January 12, 2016

There is still an out option if you live together, there is always an out option really - divorce and all haha. But we're very committed and have talked about marriage and kids and all that. I'm not ready to do that right now at all, but if things continue even close to as well as they have been then all of those things are in the plan.

That's a lot riding on that "if."

I'm not a doom and gloom person and everybody's certainly entitled to decide this stuff for themselves, but for me I just never understood the why of it all. And the why-not advantages are tangible - I'd rather have a breakup and a quick goodbye than a divorce and asset division for the next 16 months etc. Likewise little stuff - we have a fight and I turn around and go home to cool off, rather than the heavy drama of 'leaving the home' to go to a hotel or doing the ice challenge thing of sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Again maybe this is just my thing but it works flawlessly for me. Like you said in your OP, I almost live w/my GF right now anyway in terms of time spent, except we don't, and that gives us the out we need to keep the mutual respect and independence primary and not start taking each other for granted and treating each other like furniture.

January 12, 2016

So basically we are both paying extremely high rent for two apartments that are 5 mins apart, when we really only use one of them. We live in one of the least affordable cities in north america so I won't pretend that the financial situation wasn't an encouraging factor haha.

Hopefully things continue to go well. It's only been a year, and the small things that don't seem important in the first year or two sometimes crystallize into significant issues. If or when there is a breakup, one person has to scrape together the finances and scramble to find another affordable place, but in the meantime both ex-partners are stuck in a less than ideal living situation.

Just my take, but the best option, especially since you reside in an area where good and affordable rentals are difficult to come by, would be for your SO to continue to keep his rental or sublet it out. In that way, you can effectively live together, without having a potential break-up exacerbated by an unhappy living situation (or worse, have a relationship drag on simply because neither of you can afford to move out.) Once you have concrete plans to marry in a few years, you can mutually make the decision to stay in your current residence of jointly invest in a new home.

Edited January 12, 2016 by O'Malley

January 12, 2016

That's a lot riding on that "if."

I'm not a doom and gloom person and everybody's certainly entitled to decide this stuff for themselves, but for me I just never understood the why of it all. And the why-not advantages are tangible - I'd rather have a breakup and a quick goodbye than a divorce and asset division for the next 16 months etc. Likewise little stuff - we have a fight and I turn around and go home to cool off, rather than the heavy drama of 'leaving the home' to go to a hotel or doing the ice challenge thing of sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Again maybe this is just my thing but it works flawlessly for me. Like you said in your OP, I almost live w/my GF right now anyway in terms of time spent, except we don't, and that gives us the out we need to keep the mutual respect and independence primary and not start taking each other for granted and treating each other like furniture.

Fair enough and to each their own! However I've found that holding back out of fear of pain or discomfort in my life has never really helped me in the long run. Only prevented me from experiencing things, or experiencing them as deeply and intensely as one could.

Also we're not combining any assets or making any legal commitments in this situation anyway, there isn't even a lease. The worst that could come of it is that he'd have to find another place and we'd go back to paying the amount we are currently.

January 12, 2016

Hopefully things continue to go well. It's only been a year, and the small things that don't seem important in the first year or two sometimes crystallize into significant issues. If or when there is a breakup, one person has to scrape together the finances and scramble to find another affordable place, but in the meantime both ex-partners are stuck in a less than ideal living situation.

Just my take, but the best option, especially since you reside in an area where good and affordable rentals are difficult to come by, would be for your SO to continue to keep his rental or sublet it out. In that way, you can effectively live together, without having a potential break-up exacerbated by an unhappy living situation (or worse, have a relationship drag on simply because neither of you can afford to move out.) Once you have concrete plans to marry in a few years, you can mutually make the decision to stay in your current residence of jointly invest in a new home.

Unfortunately you can't really sublet in our neighbourhood! Very few apartments allow it. Also he doesn't even really like his place, so that wouldn't really be the issue. For sure breaking up when you live together is more complicated than when you don't. I've lived with boyfriends before, just it was in my early 20s when I was young and dumb and wasn't thinking it through as much haha.

Like I said above, it's *relatively* low commitment for a move-in, in that I could still afford my place if he had to move out, we don't have to sign a lease together, we don't have to find a new place, and he'll still have essentially as much stuff as he has right now. I think he's just going to store his bed at his dad's until we can afford a two bedroom

January 12, 2016

On a more practical note, stake a claim to one bathroom and don't give it up without a bloodbath.

My exW and I had a lot of fun with that, even though there were two others in the house. She got her teeth into one of them and wouldn't let go.

IMO, if you all really do get along, moving in will be a peace of cake. My spouse and I never lived together before we got married and, heck I had never lived with anyone since decades prior with my parents, and it was easy peasy. People work stuff out. Heck I don't even remembering having to work stuff out. It just happened. I handled construction; she handled decorating. I had purposely left the house a blank canvas during my single decades because I knew a spouse would want her touch on it. That's still fine by me, even though we're divorced. No complaints.

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