truth_seeker Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 This is about after going out on date. Date goes OK, not so great. I feel rude if I don't make an effort to reach out and tell the woman: "Hey, great meeting you, but I don't think there was a mutual spark." I say mutual so it doesn't come off like a flat out rejection. Yet, when I call, the woman either won't pick up the phone or will send a text beating me to the punch with a message that is borderline "its you, not me" which makes me feel like an idiot reaching out to be nice in the first place. So, it OK if after a date I just blow them off?
Jejangles Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 It depends what you mean by blow off. I think it's fine to just stay quiet, unless she reaches out to you. I have had many (many many) first dates and most often if neither of us contact the other, it's clear there's no interest. However, if she does contact you, then I think you should reply and be clear that you don't have interest. I actually think a "I'm not interested" text would kind of rub me the wrong way if I also wasn't interested! I have never had anyone send me one though, so who knows (as I say, silence is most common).
carhill Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 You know, when younger I had a strong preference for treating people well regardless. 20 years of dating kinda changed that, along with life. All it did was use me up and they didn't really care. I find that instructive. I won't die any better for caring about strangers so, heh, the heck with them. You're still young and I believe want to grow something with a like-minded person so I'd say stick to your guns (being nice) and see how it goes. 1
hippychick3 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Unless you were communicating for a long time, after just one date I think it's perfectly fine to just say nothing and let it go. I've had a few first dates in which I didn't hear from the guy again. We had barely communicated before the date so there was zero investment in these dates. I would not have preferred they send me a "not interested" text. 1
Toodaloo Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 If you have been in contact for ages no you need to be honest even if it does hurt them and is embarrassing for you. If you haven't communicated much then no just go silent - thats fine and sometimes the only way.
BrocasHelm Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 For having been through both, I personally have way more respect for a girl who tells me she thinks it's not gonna work rather than a girl who just goes silent. If you've been talking, been on a date, spent some time together, keep in mind that the other person may think things are going great and will be left hanging, wondering why you've disappeared on them. I find this extremely cowardly at best, bitchy at worst. 2
losangelena Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Are you asking because you'd rather not go to the trouble of following-up if you're not feeling it? I personally don't find it rude if a man doesn't follow-up after a first date, especially if there was not a lot of mutual attraction. The ones I do find rude are the guys who say, "yes, let's go out again," or "I'll call you," and then never do. But if the first date ends on a more, "well, good to meet you," note, I wouldn't necessarily expect to hear from him again, no harm/no foul. But I don't think you should feel foolish for reaching out. Do as you're comfortable in this situation. I mean, you'll never lose out in life by being an upfront and kind person. 2
Redhead14 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 This is about after going out on date. Date goes OK, not so great. I feel rude if I don't make an effort to reach out and tell the woman: "Hey, great meeting you, but I don't think there was a mutual spark." I say mutual so it doesn't come off like a flat out rejection. Yet, when I call, the woman either won't pick up the phone or will send a text beating me to the punch with a message that is borderline "its you, not me" which makes me feel like an idiot reaching out to be nice in the first place. So, it OK if after a date I just blow them off? Well, a savvy woman will sit back and let the man initiate another date or . . . not. So, if he doesn't call to schedule another date, she just lets it go. After only one or two dates, you don't "owe" her anything and she shouldn't be expecting anything. So, I'd just let it drop. If you had been out on a few more dates, then, yeah, I'd let her know probably at the end of the last date, that it's not working for you or call her at least. If she has a fit, or is snarky or whatever, you probably dodged a bullet anyway She should be gracious, thank you for the time spent and wish you all the best -- even if you'd slept with each other. 1
Author truth_seeker Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 I was set up with a woman through mutual friends/acquaintances. Going in I felt there was a red flag with her as I was told how she was complaining that all the men she was meeting were not good. After some prodding, I decided to meet her for a drink. Hey, you never know. We meet and right away the whole thing was awkward. I realized she was one of those it's not the men she's meeting, it's her. After the date ended (I walked her to her car, I even texted her to see she made it home okay). I was worried about the friends and acquaintances who set us up. One friend wanted to know how it went. I was just too damn polite and didn't have the heart to say that the girl has some serious issues. This girl was a run away, and told me she wanted to meet a man now and wanted 3 kids. Not like "I want to get married and have a family someday" It was "I want all of this right now! I'm sick of waiting!" I decided to call her and tell her "hey, it was great meeting you, but I felt both of us weren't really into each other." She didn't pick up the phone. Next day I get a text message pretty much telling me I didn't do it for her. After that I notice some people in the group not talking to me much. I feel like she threw me under the bus to protect her insecurities. This is why is it worth it to be nice? When you're nice people can take advantage of you.
losangelena Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 This is why is it worth it to be nice? When you're nice people can take advantage of you. Well, this particular situation sounds unfortunate. But does this seem to be typical of your experience or more of an anomaly? I mean, yeah, we're going to get treated poorly sometimes, but I wouldn't change up my entire M.O. because of one bad experience.
mrldii Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 "Apparently not." ~Monica Lewinsky All *kidding* aside, I've never found it necessary to make an after-meet/after-date phone call/text; I say it, in-person and face-to-face, at the end of the encounter. I also say it while getting up and leaving; it lessens the other person's need to let me know how wrong I am, how there is/can be a connection, and/or how I should give it another chance to see what might blossom between us.
smackie9 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Now there are threads out there started to put it out there that they want honesty instead of the old "no chemistry" excuse. IMO if you are getting a negative reaction from the surrounding friends, I would tell them how the date REALLY went and tell them what she needs to do to improve her chances....like dropping the negative attitude. hopefully one of them will give her a healthy does of reality that it's her not the men she's been going out with....that she is scaring them away. Why should YOU look like that bad guy. **I don't know how many times I have told a poster that is like her that they need to stop complaining about the lack of success, blaming others and take a good look at themselves. Anywho, it's always a hit or miss, because everyone is different. I agree it's always better to tell them right to their face but not everyone is that brave lol. 1
Author truth_seeker Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 Well, this particular situation sounds unfortunate. But does this seem to be typical of your experience or more of an anomaly? I mean, yeah, we're going to get treated poorly sometimes, but I wouldn't change up my entire M.O. because of one bad experience. Not really typical. I just notice if I go on a bad date, it gets spun into "it's you, not me".
Author truth_seeker Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 IMO if you are getting a negative reaction from the surrounding friends, I would tell them how the date REALLY went and tell them what she needs to do to improve her chances....like dropping the negative attitude. hopefully one of them will give her a healthy does of reality that it's her not the men she's been going out with....that she is scaring them away. Why should YOU look like that bad guy. Any future dates I'm set up on, if the girl is a nut, I'm speaking up.
losangelena Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Not really typical. I just notice if I go on a bad date, it gets spun into "it's you, not me". Then that probably speaks more to the character of the woman than anything else. Besides, I think "it's not you, it's me" and "I didn't feel a spark (mutual spark)" are basically different ways of saying the same thing. It's first-date speak for, "I don't want to see you again." I'm not sure the "whys" matter so much at the beginning. Both are more polite ways of saying "it really WAS you!" Since it's an anomaly, shake it off. Hopefully your friendships/acquaintanceships don't suffer too much because of it.
Miss Peach Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 (edited) You know the phrase don't burn bridges? It applies here I think. You're in a little different situation as the guy because as a woman if a guy isn't setting up another date with me I just assume he's not interested. The handful who have let me know it's not a match, as long as done well and respectfully, actually looked better in my eyes. I have also been thanked by a lot of men when they contact me for another date and I give them 'Thank you for taking the time to meet me but it's not a match' line rather than just ignore them. I am in a large city but even then I have run into a lot of exes over the years. I like to be able to hold my head high when I run into them. There was a guy who ghosted me after 2 dates. I wasn't really devastated and actually forgot about him. I ran into him 4 years later. The first thing he did after he told me who he was (I forgot we went out) was to apologize for ghosting me. He's been contacting me and running into me ever since wanting to see me. Even if I do become available to date, some of these little things have me questioning his ability to be reliable, considerate, and not flaky which are things I need in a relationship. It really lowered his chances in my eyes when he decided I might be worth having later. Even if that wasn't the case, it's possible to meet people you've dated again through friends, activities, work, etc. Edited January 12, 2016 by Miss Peach 1
Recommended Posts